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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting DH to choose drama rehearsal over fathers day?

161 replies

djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 13:23

DS 8 and DD 14 attend a weekly Drama academy and put on a show every June at a local theatre. They have an all day tech rehearsal which falls on fathers day. DH does not want them to attend (he did give them the option, both said they wanted to skip the rehearsal and spend the day with us) as he thinks days like this are special, especially whilst the children are young and wants us to spend the day as a family.
I think that we can celebrate on another day and the children attend the tech rehearsal. The academy also want them to attend. DH points out that there will be further rehearsals at the theatre in the lead to the show and that family should take priority.
Just looking for opinions on this. Thanks

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 31/05/2019 13:46

Do the children actually want to do the show at all?

PizzaForPusheen · 31/05/2019 13:46

I think he’s being a bit U in the circumstances. But I also think the Drama Academy is being U picking that day for the tech rehearsal.

So much “takes priority” over family life these days, that attitude isn’t for the best in the long run for us I think.

Singletomingle · 31/05/2019 13:46

Its unfortunate timing, does your DH have any specific plans for that day? Will it be the case your DH has to spend all day at the rehearsal too? What happens in the past for him on fathers day?
If it is always a big event or he has to spend the whole day at rehearsal then I can understand his point. If he plans to spend all day sat on the sofa then he is in the wrong. Maybe plan a full day on the Saturday and see what he thinks maybe he'll come round. I know I'd be upset because in general putting a special date aside till a more convenient time generally involves it being forgotten about totally.

manicinsomniac · 31/05/2019 13:47

Also children have both said they don't want to go (he didn't pressure them just gave them the option) hence my dilemma

So?? Technical rehearsals can be boring - lots of standing around in spotlights singing twinkle twinkle little star down a microphone. But it's not on to say you want to be in a show but not be part of the hard work that goes into it.

Having said that, most children are really enthusiastic and over excited about the 'big' rehearsals in my experience. It's the first time they get to see the set and try their microphones on, plus they get to spend all day with their friends in home clothes and have a lot of freedom (because the staff are all too stressed about mover 3 getting stuck and the constant feedback from the left foldback!) If they're that easily dissuaded from one of their key rehearsals then, after the show, I'd question whether they want to continue in the group at all. They don't sound that keen.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 31/05/2019 13:48

he is bu. Tech rehearsal is not just a normal rehearsal it’s where lights are sets, mics set at the height of the person using it, H&S tours, any changes that need to be made are usually made during that rehearsal, and so much more it would take ages to list. When I am putting on a show I have the tech rehearsal date set so when your signing up to be part of it you know the date if you don't show up I will have no problem recasting you if I need to and I make that clear from the beginning where I teach.

Ijustdontcare · 31/05/2019 13:49

Its funny how I seem to remember on mothers day there were so many similar posts. About partners and children attending events instead of making the day special for the mum, and pretty much all of the comments were the exact opposite of ones on this thread.

BlingLoving · 31/05/2019 13:49

So much “takes priority” over family life these days, that attitude isn’t for the best in the long run for us I think

Quite frankly, if you're relying on ridiculous made up holidays to spend time together as a family, you have a much bigger problem than the fact that the drama school chose this date for its rehearsal.

Original poster

djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 13:49

We are taking DD to a concert as a belated bday present the night before so doubt we will be home before midnight, the tech rehearsal is from 9-6. DH is always so attentive to us on days he sees as special so I feel a bit bad for not responding in kind. His argument about made up days etc is that he knows but modern life is so involved that it gives the opportunity to check out for a few days a year and involve being a family. Have had the commitment issue but his argument is that part of the ills of society is people not taking family time and this contributes to stress etc. Children were not promised anything which makes it harder as it was a straight question. DD in particular is very committed to drama, attended since 5, wants to be an actress but has also expressed a desire to spend the day with us! There wouldn't really be time to do anything after rehearsal. I feel a bit torn, know it's not rocket science but it's a bit annoying for me as I know they should prob go but also feel DH as a point to a degree...

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 31/05/2019 13:50

I disagree with those saying that the theatre school should have avoided that day.

If you want a show in June, the run up to it contains two bank holiday weekends and half term! And the weekend before SATs, I’d you want to consider everything! You can’t avoid everything, nothing would happen!

And even for people who do like Father’s Day - it’s hardly imperative that it happens on the day.

HelloYouTwo · 31/05/2019 13:52

What about the adults giving up their time for the rehearsal? I imagine some of them may be Dads? What if they didn’t go?

Or the women involved in the rehearsal whose husbands are fathers, should they not attend either because they are required to officiate over the giving of some stereotypical cards depicting beer / golf / sheds / cars and then have to take their family out for a crappy crowded pub lunch?

Just spend the day before together! Your DH is selfish and mad.

BlingLoving · 31/05/2019 13:52

@ijustdontcare - I can categorically assure you that I wouldn't have been one of those people. For me, if my children bring me a cup of tea in bed, make me a card and give me a cuddle I consider that a winner of a Mothers Day. This huge song and dance every year makes no sense to me.

even "real" holidays like Christmas I find weird how worked up people get. I LOVE christmas. Love spending time with family at Christmas. But on more than one occasion, we've landed up celebrating on 24th or 26th because there are other family commitments on 25th, or other family traditions. I don't get the rigidity of these events. Family time is what's important, not whether they're done on day x or day y.

Ellisandra · 31/05/2019 13:52

“A belated birthday present the night before”

So - despite the importance of combatting stress in modern life by having family time, you chose to do a birthday activity on another day for practical reasons.

Surely that answers your question?! He’s definitely being a dick.

justasking111 · 31/05/2019 13:54

Friends DCs involved in drama, you have to do every bloody rehearsal it is a given. Birthdays, anniversaries, whatever pale into insignificance, a lot of folk work hard to make it happen. There will be lots of kids there whose dads are sanguine about this.

BlingLoving · 31/05/2019 13:54

just have fathers day on the saturday before - doing something fun and together - then finishing up with the concert. Honestly, this is ridiculous. And even your husband's "attentiveness" on these days is starting to sound a bit weird.

Original poster

djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 13:54

We are celebrating DD actual bday but the concert is on another day as it's the only time we can go (one night only) he is making a huge effort for her actual bday...

OP posts:

Chouetted · 31/05/2019 13:55

Why on earth would he consider missing the tech rehearsal? As everyone else has said, it's not just another rehearsal. Would he say the same thing about a performance?

manicinsomniac · 31/05/2019 13:56

Is the tech actually optional? Every show my DD has been involved in it has been a condition of being involved that you attend both the tech and dress rehearsals

I would be fairly sure it was advertised in this way.

Whether or not you actually end up following through on kicking children out does depend on the reasons for non attendance (and how easily you can manage without the child!) I have taken parts away for children who didn't turn up due to mother's day and I've phoned and told parents who'd a) forgotten, b) gone to church and c) decided to take their child to visit grandparents for the day instead that they needed to get to the school by lunchtime or the children wouldn't be able to take part. All those children arrived thankfully so my actual chuck out rate in 13 years is only 1.

I've given permission for children to miss parts of the day due to other important commitments like dance exams, riding competitions, county hockey matches and scholarship exams the next day. But not the whole day.

The only times I can think that a child has not taken part in the technical at all but still did the show was 1) a family bereavement and 2) a vomiting and diarrhoea bug.

showmethegin · 31/05/2019 13:56

You HAVE to go to the tech and the dress! It's absolutely essential. If your DH doesn't understand that I'd respectfully suggest that he obviously isn't taking much of an interest. Tell him you can do it on the Saturday and to grow the hell up.

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2019 13:56

I feel a bit torn, know it's not rocket science but it's a bit annoying for me as I know they should prob go but also feel DH as a point to a degree

When was the date announced? Shouldn't he have made these points then?

Is there a reason he's having a "belated birthday present" and can't, therefore, have a belated father's day?

Ellisandra · 31/05/2019 13:57

Yes - the concert is on another day. So he didn’t say “no, dates are carved in stone, we will not do the concert for your birthday, we will do something else”. He is quite capable about being flexible on dates when he wants to be! Let him be this time.

Original poster

djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 13:58

What I am trying to say is that as a DH and father he is excellent, always puts us first, doesn't take time for himself really. That's why I feel bad. The staff at the academy are all female without partners or husbands. He thinks quality time is important and as there are other tech rehearsals doesn't see the importance of missing one day as they are at all the others.

OP posts:

showmethegin · 31/05/2019 13:58

Also if your daughter is very committed to it, this would be a good time for a lesson about sticking to your commitments and not letting the rest of the cast down.

NellysKnickers · 31/05/2019 13:58

Tech rehearsal......its really important. Fathers Day is not! I could maybe understand if it was his birthday but even then he would still be a twat to expect his kids to miss such a vital rehearsal

MoreSlidingDoors · 31/05/2019 13:59

My DD is in a show this week. The tech rehearsal was on Bank Holiday Monday. I had to sell tickets I had had to a concert for months - at a loss - for her to attend the tech run. We left a wedding early in order to make the final dance rehearsal on the Sunday. And I took the day off work for the dress rehearsal on Tuesday. That’s what it’s about - commitment.

Grumpiestcat · 31/05/2019 13:59

My kids will be here not at their dads on Fathers Day, they were at his for Mother's Day so they're just celebrating with him a week early like I did. It's such an arbitrary date. I think the rehearsal should come first. It won't even take all day so there's plenty of time for a meal or something.

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