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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting DH to choose drama rehearsal over fathers day?

161 replies

djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 13:23

DS 8 and DD 14 attend a weekly Drama academy and put on a show every June at a local theatre. They have an all day tech rehearsal which falls on fathers day. DH does not want them to attend (he did give them the option, both said they wanted to skip the rehearsal and spend the day with us) as he thinks days like this are special, especially whilst the children are young and wants us to spend the day as a family.
I think that we can celebrate on another day and the children attend the tech rehearsal. The academy also want them to attend. DH points out that there will be further rehearsals at the theatre in the lead to the show and that family should take priority.
Just looking for opinions on this. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 13:59

PS concert is for DD not DH

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 31/05/2019 13:59

If your daughter wants to be an actress she needs to get very used to her personal and family life taking a back seat or she will get nowhere. 14 is definitely not too young to learn the level of commitment required.

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2019 14:00

The staff at the academy are all female without partners or husbands

Not sure of the relevance of this, but they all have/have had fathers.

He thinks quality time is important

Absolutely - surely it can be done any day though?

and as there are other tech rehearsals doesn't see the importance of missing one day as they are at all the others

Because his children made a commitment? How would he feel if they were told they could not longer be in the show?

manicinsomniac · 31/05/2019 14:01

It kind of sounds like you agree with your husband and don't want the children to go to the rehearsal either.

Witchend · 31/05/2019 14:02

I'm involved in am dram.

I think there's perhaps more background needed. Does this happen every year? Is the tech rehearsal regarded as totally necessary or will there be people missing? When's the performance?

If the tech rehearsal is on fathers' day every year, then maybe he has a point. If he's saying "this once I would like to so it on the day..." is very different to "I expect this every year".

It depends on the am dram as to whether they are really needed for the tech. I've been involved in all from the "everyone must attend unless they're on their death bed" through to the tech team running it through without actors at all. If there are always a fair number missing from the tech rehearsal, it's very different from them being the only ones.

And then when's the performance? Next weekend-definitely attend; they may miss important information. Next month-not so important.

We don't really do mothers'/fathers' day at all, so it doesn't seem a big thing to me to do something special a different weekend (unless they're now rehearsing every weekend).In fact if you're going out for a meal, much better to do a different weekend-it'll be quieter.
But if you always want a big thing made about mothers' day, then it does reflect in a different light. Look at in from the prospective of the posts we get round mothers' day saying "I made such an effort for fathers' day and he only organised beans on toast and that was only after I made a fuss..."

BlingLoving · 31/05/2019 14:02

What I am trying to say is that as a DH and father he is excellent, always puts us first, doesn't take time for himself really. That's why I feel bad. The staff at the academy are all female without partners or husbands. He thinks quality time is important and as there are other tech rehearsals doesn't see the importance of missing one day as they are at all the others.

Honestly, what I'm getting from this and every other one of your posts is that you think he's being a bit silly but you're not going to challenge him or change things because his view of "quality" time is set in stone in your family and you don't get a say.

The rehearsal is important. Family time is important. One is movable. The other is not. He sounds inflexible. And you sound intimidated.

Aebj · 31/05/2019 14:05

I would do something on the Saturday and make the children go to rehearsal on the Sunday. Is his dad still around? He can then spend the day with his dad?
We don’t do anything purely because we are a defence family and dh is away ( again!) . I don’t spend time with my dad as we are in a different country and dh dad died 20 years ago.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2019 14:05

This will probably be the only straight tech rehearsal. Your children have to attend imo. Very very rude not to.

myrtleWilson · 31/05/2019 14:05

His argument about made up days etc is that he knows but modern life is so involved that it gives the opportunity to check out for a few days a year and involve being a family. Have had the commitment issue but his argument is that part of the ills of society is people not taking family time

If he needs the push of a "made up day" to ensure family togetherness happens he doesn't sound like a great dad to me. Does the "togetherness" on Father's Day have super magical powers that the togetherness on any given Saturday has?

Original poster
djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 14:07

The show is at the end of the month. There are tech rehearsals at the theatre for the week until the lead up. The tech is in a local school. I do agree with him but I also agree with the drama school. He is really not an asshole, he is very open and considerate and encourages their drama at all times, he just feels that this should be a time when drama comes secondary. Every year (we have been together 16 years) he has done special things on special days and also throughout the year spontaneously, he doesn't normally ask for anything but I think he is seeing them grow so fast and he wants to have these one off days with them. I see his point but also the drama schools.

OP posts:
Original poster
djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 14:09

He sounds inflexible. And you sound intimidated.

I would say he is more intimidated of me tbh :) He is not some rigid monster, in fact usually very flexible so this is the problem. If he was a jerk or running some attempt at control I wouldn't allow it. It's because he is so good that I am divided.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 31/05/2019 14:09

Wait so this rehearsal isn't at the performance venue? How can it be a technical rehearsal then?

My view doesn't change if it's 'just' an important, whole cast rehearsal but it might change the likelihood of their being thrown out of the show for not attending and it might mean that there are other children absent.

Iwouldlikesomecake · 31/05/2019 14:09

I have a December birthday as do my parents and we have spent many, many of our birthdays in all day rehearsals for carol services etc. Mothering Sundays and Father's Days at rehearsals, dress rehearsals, choreography rehearsals, etc. We do the rehearsal adn then go home for a nice roast dinner.

Venues and attractions are always full of people doing forced togetherness on these days so they are always rammed. The bit of the day where we give the parent presents and stuff takes approximately 5 minutes in our house; tbh I'd rather be at a rehearsal and do something on another day in lieu when everywhere isn't so busy!

Parker231 · 31/05/2019 14:10

If your DC’s have joined the theatre club, they have made a commitment and therefore should attend the rehearsals. Fathers Day is lovely but it’s a made up day, not a national bank holiday. Being a father is an all year round event and can be celebrated on any day.

Your DH shouldn’t have asked your DC’s what they wanted to do. If Father’s Day had fallen on the day of the performance world he have expected them to miss it?

Isatis · 31/05/2019 14:11

Your husband is being a bit ridiculous. I would regard birthdays as being much more special than Father's Day, but wouldn't therefore expect that my children must be off school for theirs or my birthdays just because "it's better to build memories as a family. " And why does he have to build memories on that particular day rather than the next one? It's a purely arbitrary date, there is no special significance to it like Christmas.

It's not good enough to say there are other rehearsals, they are not the same as tech rehearsals. The drama academy will have gone to a lot of effort to arrange this rehearsal, and those doing the lighting, sounds etc will have given up their day for it - it seems incredibly rude just to decide to waste their time by not turning up. Even if there are more tech rehearsals, if your children don't know what to do because they missed the main rehearsal they will get in everyone's way and be a nuisance.

Butterymuffin · 31/05/2019 14:11

DH and I would both accept the rehearsal coming first. I've taken DC to sports events a number of times on Mother's Day and foregone all the lie in, treat type stuff you're 'supposed' to get because they have a commitment to their team. You can reschedule something like Mother's or Father's Day celebrations. It's when you never prioritise family time that it becomes a problem.

manicinsomniac · 31/05/2019 14:12

The children must get a lunch break - could you negotiate for them to be missing for an hour or so in the middle and take your DH out for lunch with the children? Most of the time they are missing could be their lunchbreak anyway.

I still don't think it's ideal but I suspect you're going to give in on this so it's better than not turning up at all.

Original poster
djcrabb69 · 31/05/2019 14:12

If he needs the push of a "made up day" to ensure family togetherness happens he doesn't sound like a great dad to me.

That's the point he IS a great dad, that's why I feel bad about my point of view!!!

OP posts:
Isatis · 31/05/2019 14:12

I think he is seeing them grow so fast and he wants to have these one off days with them

Again, fine, but why not another day?

Notonthestairs · 31/05/2019 14:13

Being a father is an all year round event and can be celebrated on any day.
^^ this.

Surely if it really is just about making sure you spend time together then you find another day. He can stick it to the man (Hallmark) that way. Grin

Butterymuffin · 31/05/2019 14:13

Also, what specifically are you going to be doing to 'build memories' that day? It could be that you build the memory of all going to the rehearsal together and then out for a quick meal or ice cream or whatever. It can be as memorable as anything else.

PizzaForPusheen · 31/05/2019 14:14

God you’re getting a hard time for trying to be considerate OP.

LovelyJubblee · 31/05/2019 14:14

My DH would think it's an amazing Father's Day present to be child free and chill all day ha ha

manicinsomniac · 31/05/2019 14:16

God you’re getting a hard time for trying to be considerate OP

Considerate to who? Certainly not the directors, backstage and technical managers, crew and other children and parents who will all be working flat out and giving up their Sunday. Not even to her own children really who will end up being told off, getting behind and may even lose their parts.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 31/05/2019 14:16

It really is down to how your dh wants to spend the day. You can suggest doing something Saturday so that they can attend the rehearsal but if that's going to leave him feeling incredibly disappointed that's that.
Sometimes my shifts fall on Mothers Day, I still go in because it honestly doesn't bother me.