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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my ex will be allowed access to the baby

147 replies

Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 22:49

I posted a few weeks ago “Is DP BU” as my then partner was refusing to do night feeds for our then 5 week old baby. We ended up splitting up due the issues I spoke about when I first posted.

Fast forward a week and I posted again (Is DP BU Part 2) about him becoming very abusive in emails and text messages - calling me a worthless cunt, an unfit mother, a sad desperate troll...etc. He also took my WhatsApp picture and photoshopped a horses head on to it. His mother also called my doctor claiming she was my MIL and told them she thought I had post natal depression.

I received a lot of good advice on here, telling me to stop contact and lodge a report with the police regarding the malicious phone call made by the mother and the abuse I was receiving from my ex. I did this, but as I hadn’t heard anything else from him, I didn’t seek legal advice.

He emailed me again tonight asking for access 2-3 nights a week (we’ve been split up 3 weeks now) I emailed back saying no - my baby is 8 weeks old ffs! He’s not even paid a penny in maintenance since the split so I’ve had to go to the CSA. Now, I’ve just had an email from him saying he’s been in touch with a lawyer who is building a court case against me. He also called me psychotic and twisted.

Can anyone offer any advice on what the likelihood is of him getting access to my son? If access is awarded, will it be contact centre? Overnight stays?

He didn’t turn up to the baby’s birth registration, therefore his name isn’t on the birth certificate, so at the moment he has no parental responsibility. I’m worried sick that the court will award him parental responsibility then if he gets access he won’t have to return my son.

OP posts:
Wasywasydoodah · 30/05/2019 22:53

Don’t panic. Keep all the messages etc as evidence. Get a solicitor. He’ll probably get some contact if he goes to court but unlikely to be overnights for some time. Every time he abuses you is just more evidence against him. Good luck!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/05/2019 22:55

Sorry - don’t know the answer but not being on the birth certificate is a good sign.

But important question - are you breastfeeding? If not then any chance you can investigate seeing if you can start breastfeeding again? Even if just a tiny bit? It adds another barrier to him having overnights when the baby is tiny.

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 22:55

The likelihood of him getting contact is high.

He is the father and so the baby has a right to get to know his father.

Contact and maintenance are separate issues so don’t mix them together.

The baby is still young so any contact is probably going to be little and often and not overnight.

When ur baby is older and stops breastfeeding (assuming so) he will pretty much definitely be able to get overnight if he wishes too. How often can range from 50/50 to EOW etc.

He can apply for parental responsibility and as before will most likely be granted it.

If he gets PR and you don’t have a contact agreement then yes he could technically take ur baby and not return it but if you have a contact agreement then he can’t do that.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/05/2019 22:56

Very unlikely. Firstly you will have to have a mediation session before court (but you can refuse to do it face to face due to abuse) and if you offer a reasonable contact plan at mediation it shouldn't even get to court.
If it does, you need to be reasonable with contact. Offer regular, short contact sessions, ideally with a family member present so you can leave them to it. Otherwise you can go upstairs or out for a bit while he is with the baby.
He is extremely unlikely to be given overnight contact at this stage.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/05/2019 22:57

not being on the birth certificate is a good sign.

It really isn't. If a man is claiming to be the father then unless the mother proves that he isn't he will be treated as the father.

Mooey89 · 30/05/2019 22:58

If he goes to court he will get parental responsibility.
He will be granted some access and it is unlikely to be in a contact centre unless there’s some kind of risk to the child.
He will absolutely not get overnights at this age. It is more likely to be little and often.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear OP.
I’ve been there - my ex was physically abusive - the court did give me some boundaries but my ex has every other weekend, Wednesday tea until 6.30 and half of holidays.
I do have an order that he lives with me though. The biggest thing is that you need to keep yourself safe. So block him, have neutral handovers etc.

Good luck x

Original poster
Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 22:59

I’m not breastfeeding 😥 I had a very bad labour and birth and was unable to breastfeed straight away. I did try when he was a couple of days old but it just didn’t work. Could I try again at this stage?

I do believe my ex is incapable of looking after DS, he’s like a giant man child himself. I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think of him having the baby overnight, without me being there

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 30/05/2019 22:59

Have you got evidence he refused to do night feeds because that would surely help avoid overnights. I suspect he would get some access but you need to see a solicitor as in my non.professional opinion you have a case for no overnights at least for now but you need a professional opinion!

Original poster
Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 23:13

@Mooey89

Thank you. I’m willing to give him some contact but I really don’t want him having the baby overnight. At what age do the courts allow overnight stays?

OP posts:
AnneTwackie · 30/05/2019 23:17

I haven’t read your previous posts OP so I’m sorry if there’s a background of abuse towards you or the baby that I don’t know about.
My ex did drugs, stole from me, was physically abusive and was generally an awful father, he still got contact, so I do get where you’re coming from.
If you think he’ll eventually get bored and drop it all then carry on deflecting. If you think he will go through with pushing for contact then the sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it will be for you and your baby. Start thinking about what contact you think you could deal with and start from there. Think if there is someone who could be with him during contact who you trust- much better than a contact centre for your little one and you. The thing is, if it goes to court, you have to look like you understand your baby has a right to know his father and that you are trying to be reasonable. Otherwise they take the decision out of your hands.
Do keep logging everything, but make sure that he has nothing on you in return.
Try and reduce conversation with him. You seem really stressed and it’s important you try and enjoy this time with your baby.

AnneTwackie · 30/05/2019 23:18

Sorry that was an essay!

AnneTwackie · 30/05/2019 23:19

My ex eventually got overnight contact when he was 18 months but only at his mothers house.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/05/2019 23:22

Op try to not panic

Keep a diary and screen shots of the abuse
Call women’s aid and ask for legal advice
But your own family law book (Amazon have loads second hand ) and read up on your rights

Yes he has parental rights and if he behaves legally and properly he will get them , but very unlikely if he behaves this way

Arm yourself with legal advice and reduce communications and when you do speak be firm and legal and distant

Bullies like him are nasty but they can’t get around the law and family law is child centred not parental rights centered

Doyoumind · 30/05/2019 23:24

His solicitor can't 'build a court case against' you. That's just him bullshitting. Going to court is about organising contact with the child and what is in the best interests of the child. It's not about you or your parenting. He's trying to scare and bully you.

Yes, he will get some contact, as others have suggested. The best thing might be to make a very reasonable proposal around how he can see the baby for a couple of hours a couple of times a week, suggesting yourself when this could increase to overnight (e.g. at 18 months). Offer later than you are comfortable with so that you can compromise in the middle.

If he doesn't go for it, the court will see he's not putting the child first and isn't open to compromise.

Does he even really want a baby overnight? I'm guessing he wouldn't be that keen to take on the responsibility anyway and it's more about pushing your buttons.

Don't panic and give into his demands.

terfsandwich · 30/05/2019 23:28

Yes you can try relactating. There should be people on the breastfeeding boards who can advise you how to go about it.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 30/05/2019 23:28

What case is there to build? You have single handedly raised your baby for 8 weeks - without any physical or financial help from him.
I know who has a case op.

Ring cms. He doesn't want need to be on bc for this to happen.
Keep a meticulous diary and see a solicitor.
Do not be bullied.

Original poster
Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 23:34

@Doyoumind

I was actually thinking of contacting him and saying I would allow contact in my home a few nights a week. He would come to mine and I would go out for a couple of hours, allowing him time to spend with DS on his own but not to take baby out of the house. Does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 30/05/2019 23:34

Do nothing until you get a letter from the court (not his solicitor)

Stop speaking to him and block him. Call police if he turns up or anyone else does.

Do not talk to him, don't text or email

LaurieFairyCake · 30/05/2019 23:35

Why would you offer an abusive man a few hours twice a week in YOUR home? Shock

He's ABUSIVE, do nothing !

Original poster
Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 23:43

@LaurieFairyCake

I’m worried that if it goes to court, a judge will award him access without me being there. Surely him having the baby a couple of hours in my home is better than that

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 30/05/2019 23:47

Don't have him in your home. That would be wrong. You need him as far out of your life as possible.

He will get contact via the court and they will decide exactly what form that contact takes. If there has been no discussion prior to court you will have no control. If you make a reasonable offer before it goes to court the court may well just agree with it and base the order on it. Usually they expect some kind of negotiation and compromise between the parties.

Original poster
Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 23:49

Sorry, I don’t think I came across well in my last post. I’m just freaking out as I’m worried sick about this!

I’m worried that, should he take me to court, the judge will allow him access to the baby, where he can take the baby away on his own. If I offer access in my home then I at least know where my baby is.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 30/05/2019 23:49

I think he's talking pure 100% bullshit about building a legal case against you as a psychotic mother most likely he's being told all kinds of fantasy by his mommy dearest. Your infant is tiny and you owe him nothing until a court rules on it. I would be very wary of him in your residence especially with how he and his butch mother is behaving. Get a lawyer yourself and stay strong

EKGEMS · 30/05/2019 23:49

Bitch not butch

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/05/2019 23:55

You can just say that you're breastfeeding even if you aren't