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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if my ex will be allowed access to the baby

147 replies

Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 22:49

I posted a few weeks ago “Is DP BU” as my then partner was refusing to do night feeds for our then 5 week old baby. We ended up splitting up due the issues I spoke about when I first posted.

Fast forward a week and I posted again (Is DP BU Part 2) about him becoming very abusive in emails and text messages - calling me a worthless cunt, an unfit mother, a sad desperate troll...etc. He also took my WhatsApp picture and photoshopped a horses head on to it. His mother also called my doctor claiming she was my MIL and told them she thought I had post natal depression.

I received a lot of good advice on here, telling me to stop contact and lodge a report with the police regarding the malicious phone call made by the mother and the abuse I was receiving from my ex. I did this, but as I hadn’t heard anything else from him, I didn’t seek legal advice.

He emailed me again tonight asking for access 2-3 nights a week (we’ve been split up 3 weeks now) I emailed back saying no - my baby is 8 weeks old ffs! He’s not even paid a penny in maintenance since the split so I’ve had to go to the CSA. Now, I’ve just had an email from him saying he’s been in touch with a lawyer who is building a court case against me. He also called me psychotic and twisted.

Can anyone offer any advice on what the likelihood is of him getting access to my son? If access is awarded, will it be contact centre? Overnight stays?

He didn’t turn up to the baby’s birth registration, therefore his name isn’t on the birth certificate, so at the moment he has no parental responsibility. I’m worried sick that the court will award him parental responsibility then if he gets access he won’t have to return my son.

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 07:18

HappyHedgehog247

I’m not sure this advice is always helpful. A solicitor may well give you an initial session but it’s just to get an understanding of whether they can help you. It’s not free legal advice and certainly not enough to make a difference...

Isatis · 31/05/2019 07:23

You can just say that you're breastfeeding even if you aren't

For goodness sake, don't do this. There are so many ways you would be found out, and it would count against you.

PinaColadaPlease · 31/05/2019 07:25

Don't panic.

He is trying to intimidate and bully you. I would be inclined to ignore all communication from him and wait for a letter from his solicitor (although he may well not bother). If you do reply, keep it simple "I am waiting to hear from your solicitor and will respond to them" and engage no further. In the meantime, see a solicitor yourself.

No lawyer in their right mind will give anything other than very generic advise (if that) on the basis of text messages that have come via a cousin. It kind of shows how serious he is/isn't.

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 07:26

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Now I’ve thought about it, I definitely think he’s bluffing about having been in contact with a lawyer. He wrote in the email that he was going back and forward with texts to his cousin as her friend is a family lawyer and she’s putting him together a family law suit against me. First of all, why would this be done by text with his cousin being the middle man would he not have to speak to the lawyer direct? And secondly, as PP’s have said - would he not have to attempt mediation first?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 07:26

@Isatis

I’m not going to and wouldn’t have even considered doing that.

OP posts:

Isatis · 31/05/2019 07:27

Apparently he was giving the details to his cousin over text messages, who’s friend is a family lawyer (apparently) and she is putting him together a family court action suit against me. So he says.

No solicitor will accept instructions on this ridiculous basis. If he's seen a solicitor at all, he's been told that his chances of getting 3 nights a week are zero.

Mix56 · 31/05/2019 07:52

How old is he ? Is he living with his mother ? Does he have an income ?
It is very likely that his Mother is driving this, she would be changing nappies, & buying the sterilization kit for the bottles, the nappies.

I agree though, do not speak to him, make sure its all in writing.

Stressedout10 · 31/05/2019 08:01

Hi op haven't rtt yet but just a little gleam of light, the family courts have been given new advice on abusive parents. Before it was deemed in the best interests of the child to see both parents unless there was a criminal abuse case that had been successfully prosecuted. This is now no longer the advice instead if you can prove he is emotionally abusive then he should only get ss supervised visitation if he gets anything. I truly don't know how it will work in practice as it was just announced last week. So you should see a lawyer keep records of everything only communicate in text ,email DO NOT answer the phone to him or call him. Keep all text, email and voicemail from him . If possible avoid face to face meetings with him if you can't record them for your own safety.
Good luck and stay strong you're doing the right thing for you and your child

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 08:02

He’s 37. Yes he’s living at his mothers. He had moved in with me a month before the baby was born but because of him not helping out with the baby/household chores we split up 3 weeks ago. He has a decent income - he’s an investment manager.

OP posts:

Karmin · 31/05/2019 08:16

Stop and take a step back.

Yes this manshape is a vile twat. However, you liked him enough to mix your DNA and produced your baby. You both are the parents of this innocent child.

Regardless of your current personal opinion of each other, you will now always be connected due to this child.

Even though babies can't speak they are still impacted by what is going on around them. Please remember this for your interactions with him especially around the baby.

You need to cultivate a business relationship with him, keep things formal, keep everything written down and be professional like you would with a despised colleague.

He is angry and maybe scared, he will be telling his mother whatever it takes to put you in a bad light. That is his choice and its something you need to keep replying to his mother, calmly, that X and I are Y's parents and we need to discuss this together.

The maintenance is a CMS issue, let them deal with it. It is not linked to contact, he does not need to pay to see his child.

The courts if it gets there, do not care about your wishes and feelings, they will not care about his either, they put a plan in place for you two to stick to that is supported by the evidence available with a starting point of 50/50 which is then adjusted based on age and other factors. Because you are both incapable of working things out as parents together.

None of this excuses his behaviour. But you cannot choose that, you can only choose your own reaction. I would send a letter, asking to meet with him in a neutral location, I would set out clearly that overnights are something you want to work towards but I am concerned with how you were with the nightfeeds. Use lots of I statements and keep them bland and professional.

It will be awful, it will be upsetting, but you have to be strong enough for the child you created together. Explain to him that as he didn't attend the registration and you are not married that he is not on the birth certificate. Let him explode, keep yourself safe, and if he starts shouting simply respond, I can't hear what you are saying when you shout, it scares me and its just noise and teeth. If he won't calm down then say, I know how hard this is but we need to calm down for our baby, let me know when you are ready to talk, and then leave. Keep yourself and your baby safe. Follow up any conversation in writing like you would take minutes at a meeting.

Good Luck

prh47bridge · 31/05/2019 08:55

would he not have to attempt mediation first

No, he doesn't have to attempt mediation. He has to attend a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM). If he goes to that meeting and says he doesn't want mediation he can go to court without attempting mediation.

He will almost certainly get some level of contact with your baby if he goes to court but it is unlikely to be 2-3 nights a week. There are no fixed rules but for a newborn it may be just a few hours a week. Over time it is likely to build up to overnights and weekends. You may be able to insist on supervised contact initially but the court will want this to progress to unsupervised contact unless there are good reasons why this cannot be allowed.

If he is stupid enough to keep your baby beyond the allotted time you will have no problem getting a court order forcing him to return your child and you will be able to use his behaviour to argue for reduced contact and/or supervised contact.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 31/05/2019 08:57

This fact he is threatening to demand a tiny baby will go against him. It's the rights of your baby that's count. And really all it needs is you. Denying his baby you 3 nights a week isn't the best plan. He is all talk ime.
Even when my ex got access he didn't bother!! Managed twice then dumped dd.
No friend of a friend shite would be happening. Solicitors work for cold cash only. Not bloody heresay.
Do not let him into your home. You have the right to feel safe at all times. His behaviour has shown he is a stranger to you. Keep him other side of the door.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 31/05/2019 09:04

Contact the NCDV. It's the National DV helpline. Your 'MIL' was utterly wrong to do that via the GP. It's a sign of things to come. I would allow no contact personally and contact the above for advice on either a restraining order or a Non molestation order. It won't cost you anything. But it will give you breathing room to sort your emotions out. Any contact you put in place now, even supervised by you will only be seen by the court as regular contact and the next move would be to facilitate non supervised contact, don't do it.

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 09:34

What is the likelihood of his mother getting contact with my son. If I agree to him having contact but object to her seeing him, will this be taken into consideration? I honestly think this woman is dangerous and I don’t want her near my son.

OP posts:

Justanyrh1 · 31/05/2019 09:41

You could get free legal aid due to the domestic abuse (harassment counts as DA) there’s a link on the gov website, you need to get a letter from your GP or midwife to support it and meet the low income criteria. Call a solicitor if you need guidance on this, most offer half hour free advice

I did this due to a similar situation, PM me if you need to

Justanyrh1 · 31/05/2019 09:43

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

This is the link

prh47bridge · 31/05/2019 10:00

If I agree to him having contact but object to her seeing him, will this be taken into consideration?

In general the rule is that you can't control who your child sees when he is with your ex and he can't control who your child sees when he is with you. You won't be able to stop your ex taking your son to see his mother unless you can show genuine safeguarding concerns.

I'm afraid I don't see anything in your posts on here that would justify the courts preventing her seeing your son.

Skyejuly · 31/05/2019 10:04

Yes he would get access x

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 10:09

I'm afraid I don't see anything in your posts on here that would justify the courts preventing her seeing your son

She called my doctor and said she thought I was suffering from PND and that she didn’t think the baby was safe! When she did this, she hadn’t seen or spoke to me for weeks. She literally lives a 2 minute walk from my home, if she thought I was unwell and the baby wasn’t safe, why didn’t she come visit or pick up the phone

OP posts:

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 10:25

This fact he is threatening to demand a tiny baby will go against him. It's the rights of your baby that's count. And really all it needs is you
What a sad sexist and selfish view. A baby is entitled to bond with both parents. In essence, a baby needs either. It needs someone to feed him, shelter him, comfort him and give him love. That can be anyone but is normally the people who want to do it most, ie. The baby's parents.

He is t threatening, he is pointing out his rights and tsht is to be given the chance to bond with his babies and vice versa. He is clearly voicing it badly, but it doesn't take his rights away from him. A court will support the rights of the baby and that is to be given a chance to bond with his father.

prh47bridge · 31/05/2019 10:33

She called my doctor and said she thought I was suffering from PND and that she didn’t think the baby was safe

I saw that. I'm afraid that would not justify the courts preventing her seeing your son. I understand it was upsetting but it is not evidence that she would abuse your son.

wonderinwhy · 31/05/2019 10:34

Grandparents have no legal rights to see their grandchildren. Right or wrong, that is currently the law so you are within your legal right to prevent her seeing your baby.

prh47bridge · 31/05/2019 10:35

This fact he is threatening to demand a tiny baby will go against him. It's the rights of your baby that's count. And really all it needs is you

Agree with swingofthings. The baby has a right to a relationship with both parents. The fact that he is asking to see his son and suggesting he will go to court if the OP doesn't allow him to do so will most definitely not go against him.

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 10:37

@swingofthings

He was given the chance to do all of those things when we were together but didn’t. He refused to do night feeds. My son was 5 weeks old when he moved out and at that stage he hadn’t done a single night feed or changed a nappy.

OP posts:

Skyejuly · 31/05/2019 10:41

The grandparents thing is not set in stone. They can prove they have a right to a relationship x

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