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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if my ex will be allowed access to the baby

147 replies

Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 22:49

I posted a few weeks ago “Is DP BU” as my then partner was refusing to do night feeds for our then 5 week old baby. We ended up splitting up due the issues I spoke about when I first posted.

Fast forward a week and I posted again (Is DP BU Part 2) about him becoming very abusive in emails and text messages - calling me a worthless cunt, an unfit mother, a sad desperate troll...etc. He also took my WhatsApp picture and photoshopped a horses head on to it. His mother also called my doctor claiming she was my MIL and told them she thought I had post natal depression.

I received a lot of good advice on here, telling me to stop contact and lodge a report with the police regarding the malicious phone call made by the mother and the abuse I was receiving from my ex. I did this, but as I hadn’t heard anything else from him, I didn’t seek legal advice.

He emailed me again tonight asking for access 2-3 nights a week (we’ve been split up 3 weeks now) I emailed back saying no - my baby is 8 weeks old ffs! He’s not even paid a penny in maintenance since the split so I’ve had to go to the CSA. Now, I’ve just had an email from him saying he’s been in touch with a lawyer who is building a court case against me. He also called me psychotic and twisted.

Can anyone offer any advice on what the likelihood is of him getting access to my son? If access is awarded, will it be contact centre? Overnight stays?

He didn’t turn up to the baby’s birth registration, therefore his name isn’t on the birth certificate, so at the moment he has no parental responsibility. I’m worried sick that the court will award him parental responsibility then if he gets access he won’t have to return my son.

OP posts:

Cath2907 · 31/05/2019 14:37

Look, his being a shitty partner is rather immaterial as to whether he gets access to his child.
If he is likely to be a danger to the child (and you can demonstrate that) the court will not grant him access. If he is not likely to be a danger and he takes you to court he will get access.

As baby is small it is likely to be short and frequent contact sessions and not overnights. Unless you can prove he or his family or his environment are a risk to the baby you can't stop him having his contact at his mum's or wherever he likes really.

What you can do is not see him yourself and have handovers done via a 3rd party if he is unable to be civil to you (or the other way around).

On that basis it would be sensible for you to offer him short duration frequent access yourself. If you are worried he won't come back tell him the two of you need to go to court to agree access and that you will offer "X" as part of a court order access plan.

Ignore silly threats and bluster. Don't behave like a dick. If he is going to see your child then the 2 of you need to learn to be decent towards one another for the sake of that baby, toddler, infant, child, teenager. This is a LONG road and the sooner you both stop being twatish to one another the better!

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 14:44

You now want to prevent contact with the grandmother, but when you'd just split up you were going grandma's house to give baby to her because you had an appointment

Where in my previous threads does it say this? I said he was refusing to take the baby, as arranged so I stupidly text him and said I was bringing the baby round to his mothers. That’s where he lives. I didn’t say I was bringing the baby around to leave him with his mother. He looked after the baby while I went to the appointment - there was never any mention of his mother looking after the baby.

I’m also confused as to where I said I don’t want him to take the baby out of the house?

Can you also point out where it says I “told him” I didn’t give the baby his surname because he didn’t turn up at the appointment. I didn’t tell him anything. Yes, I gave the baby my surname and I know it doesn’t matter if he was at the appointment but I never said anywhere that I told him this.

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 14:48

I know this is inappropriate and unorthodox but can you tell him the kid isnt his? It sounds like your baby could do without this man and his awful mother in its life

Fk no, that would make op look very bad.

And what if he can get a paternity test done etc.

Skyejuly · 31/05/2019 15:35

When the child is in his care you wont be able t0 say who is around the baby etc

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 15:45

When the child is in his care you wont be able t0 say who is around the baby etc

Perhaps op should lodge a little complaint about the drinking/drunk adults in the house in which the baby is visiting/being kept to SS or an appropriate body; since they're rather fond of that approach themselves.

Though in ops case,but would be genuine concern, in theirs it was malice.

(And even if op had had PND; what an utterly shitty move. Trying to use PND against a new mum, and one who wasn't getting enough help, and who was sleep deprived because partner wouldn't help her get some solid sleep. Sleep deprivation is thought to be a factor). My partner is far from perfect but even after he went back to work from paternity leave (to a v demanding full-time job) he stayed up to 12/1am with baby to try to let me get some sleep between 9/10pm and then.

Hugtheduggee · 31/05/2019 16:03

Not wanting him to take baby out of the house

This post - 23:34
"I was actually thinking of contacting him and saying I would allow contact in my home a few nights a week. He would come to mine and I would go out for a couple of hours, allowing him time to spend with DS on his own but not to take baby out of the house. Does that sound reasonable?"

Re names

I've looked back. You say (correctly) that you couldn't out his name on the BC because he didn't attend, but your right in that you don't specifically mention surname. I don't get why you went behind your agreement with him for him to have both your surnames though. I mean, he doesn't deserve it, but you agreed but then didn't? Did you change your mind because of his awful behaviour?

His mum

opening post part 2. You asked your partner to give his mum the heads up if he wasn't there as you were coming round with the baby. If you were going to give the baby to her, then I can't see how you now have a problem with thief contact.

I've also seen that you have asked your partner to do an overnight (at his mums). He was a blatant dick in refusing, but it's going to be hard for you to now say that you don't want over nights when you first suggested it.

jgjgjgjgjg · 31/05/2019 16:19

If you seriously want to investigate relactating (restarting breastfeeding) give the NCT feeding helpline a call on 0300 330 0700 Option 3

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 18:33

He was a blatant dick in refusing, but it's going to be hard for you to now say that you don't want over nights when you first suggested it.

Not if she's now breastfeeding/trying to establish breast feeding (!)

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 18:36

If you were going to give the baby to her, then I can't see how you now have a problem with thief contact.

Could it be because the woman has since proven herself to be a vindictive, malicious liar who took a false allegation disparaging ops mental health/state (which even if true, would've been a deeply unfair thing to do) to a formal body?

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 18:37

(In cahoots with her lazy son of course).

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 18:59

Op if you're still reading, I keep thinking of extra things about trying to establish bf'ing & pumping.

The nct, la leche league etc are apparently not pro pumping so don't expect much encouragement in the pumping front from them. Online resources Inc YouTube may be better. It's only for a while to help establish supply (and maybe get around sore nipples) anyway.

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 19:05

Also someone suggested on a thread I read to give the baby a small amount of formula first when trying to bf (at the beginning) so they don't get angry/stressed/crazy at not getting much or anything at first, and so they are more likely to persevere at sucking. Remember even the sucking (but not getting much or anything) still stimulates supply.

Also multi mam nipple balm was much better than lansinoh one.

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 19:06

*IME

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 20:44

@Moralitym1n1

Thank you so much for all the advice. I really appreciate it. I’m going to take some time out when I’ve put the baby down to bed and have a read online about relactating and take it from there. I’d love to BF and definitely wouldn’t do it to spite my ex (as some pp’s have suggested)

I’ve had another email from him saying he’s not taking any legal action now and “he’s out” whatever that means.

OP posts:

BigRedLondonBus · 31/05/2019 20:48

Looks like you got your wish.

Karmin · 31/05/2019 21:32

Let the dust settle, the emotions calm down and see what happens, good luck

Mummyshark2019 · 31/05/2019 22:05

Great news OP re the email. Don't respond.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 31/05/2019 22:45

I'd just ignore his latest email, but that sounds like he's not really in it for the long haul.

I would also make a note of all the useful advice on here so if he changes his mind in the future, you have a starting point of where to go next.

Isatis · 31/05/2019 22:52

Maybe he expected you to roll over in terror at his nonsense about his cousin's friend's solicitor's mate, and realises that if he tries to push that particular line it's going to come out as the piece of fiction that it is.

Coyoacan · 01/06/2019 05:22

Result, though it may only be temporary.

I really doubt that he is the type who would go through all the expense and trouble of getting PR, let alone all the expense and trouble of actually being a father.

Mix56 · 01/06/2019 07:38

The theoretical legal person probably told him he would never get the baby for his mother) overnight at this stage.
However he is entitled to contact, you know this. He will probably at some point want to contact with his child, so how do you think would be the best & gentlest way for them to get to know each other?
What will you do when the child or adult wants to find his father ?
At the moment you are naturally in mama bear protective mode, & angry with this man and yourself for his failure in support & being a decent partner & father ( although why he only moved in a month before the birth seems a massive mistake. You had never actually lived with him even before the baby. )
So you need to propose a plan

Moralitym1n1 · 01/06/2019 20:00

I’ve had another email from him saying he’s not taking any legal action now and “he’s out” whatever that means.

I wish there was a eye roll emoji on here.

What a dickhead he sounds, he really loves bouncing between extremes, doesn't he.

You're very welcome re. the Bfing op. I think the single most important thing is to get that bub on the boob asap .

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