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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if my ex will be allowed access to the baby

147 replies

Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 22:49

I posted a few weeks ago “Is DP BU” as my then partner was refusing to do night feeds for our then 5 week old baby. We ended up splitting up due the issues I spoke about when I first posted.

Fast forward a week and I posted again (Is DP BU Part 2) about him becoming very abusive in emails and text messages - calling me a worthless cunt, an unfit mother, a sad desperate troll...etc. He also took my WhatsApp picture and photoshopped a horses head on to it. His mother also called my doctor claiming she was my MIL and told them she thought I had post natal depression.

I received a lot of good advice on here, telling me to stop contact and lodge a report with the police regarding the malicious phone call made by the mother and the abuse I was receiving from my ex. I did this, but as I hadn’t heard anything else from him, I didn’t seek legal advice.

He emailed me again tonight asking for access 2-3 nights a week (we’ve been split up 3 weeks now) I emailed back saying no - my baby is 8 weeks old ffs! He’s not even paid a penny in maintenance since the split so I’ve had to go to the CSA. Now, I’ve just had an email from him saying he’s been in touch with a lawyer who is building a court case against me. He also called me psychotic and twisted.

Can anyone offer any advice on what the likelihood is of him getting access to my son? If access is awarded, will it be contact centre? Overnight stays?

He didn’t turn up to the baby’s birth registration, therefore his name isn’t on the birth certificate, so at the moment he has no parental responsibility. I’m worried sick that the court will award him parental responsibility then if he gets access he won’t have to return my son.

OP posts:

faith45 · 31/05/2019 10:48

I would do what is best for you and your baby.
If you feel comfortable with a few hours a week then do that and build it up slowly when you comfortable doing that.
I'm having similar issues regarding ex but he has equal rights over our children, ours is meant to be child led but it really isn't as I get abuse of children don't want to see him and speak to him.
He will need mediation before court and at the end of mediation if nothing has been decided then he can take you to court.
Please keep everything he has sent you incase you ever need it.
Just go with your gut and you will do just fine.
Your more than welcome to message me if you need someone to rant to.
Good luck.

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 10:55

@faith45

Thank you. I am happy for him to have a few hours a week contact with the baby, but I am worried that he wouldn’t return him, as at this stage there has been nothing put in place legally. I’m absolutely not up for overnights, I feel the baby is far too young for that. I did say to him the other week that I would allow a few hours contact a few times a week, but under no circumstances was his mother to be left alone with the baby (by this I mean while he went out, not while he went to the loo or poured himself a drink) and the response I got back was 2 laughing emoji’s.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 10:55

He refused to do night feeds
And? My father never did a night feed, that didn't stop him from becoming the most amazing father. Maybe he didn't do them because of his demanding job rather 5han not being capable of it. It makes him an ass to you maybe, but not an incapable father.

It sounds like both are stressed and very very angry with each other. Again, that doesn't make either of you not capable of being good parents. You need to put aside your own feelings and agree on a compromise. You shouldn't be dictating when he is 'allowed' to see his baby, nor should be be insisting on having the baby overnight right away to spite you.

Mediation and the courts will expect both of you to stop thinking what is best for you as individuals and start to 4hink of what is best for 4g3 child and that is to have the right to bond with both parents in a safe environment.

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 10:57

See you are making demands as if you ha e sole rights to your baby. You do not. If you are concerned about the safety of the baby with his mum, you need to approach things differently. Don't dictate things to him, just expressed your concerns and why and try to make him understand that the more you can trust him, the more you will let go and make things easier for him.

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 10:59

And just to add, a few hours à week is really not much for the bond to be formed. Did he never spend any time at all with the baby in the 5 weeks you were together?

faith45 · 31/05/2019 11:01

I would just send him a message stating times and dates that suit you and the baby for visits at your house if that makes you feel more comfortable and state in the message that it is just him that is to have contact at the moment,he will send lots of things to get a reaction out of you but just don't respond, easier said than done I know.
could you maybe meet with his mother once a fortnight in a cafe or something?
Just send him the message that suits you and ignore everything else that he sends you until he asks how the baby is and you reply to that and only that.
You are best off finding out what legal rights he has over the baby.
Maybe citizens advice or family lives can answer some questions for you.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 11:03

He may have a legal right to see the baby. The grandmother, as things stand, doesn’t. However, if you allow him overnight contact and he, in effect, uses his mother as childcare, that could change. Just ignore his mum. Either offer visitation in a contact centre or in your home, or make him take you to court. No overnights for an 8 week old baby - it’s not in the interests of the baby.

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 11:06

@swingofthings

His demanding job?? What working from home 3 days a week. And when I say working I mean sitting on his laptop looking at the BBC sport page all day

OP posts:

prh47bridge · 31/05/2019 11:06

Grandparents have no legal rights to see their grandchildren. Right or wrong, that is currently the law so you are within your legal right to prevent her seeing your baby

No-one has an automatic right to contact. Grandparents can get contact through the courts, although they have an additional hurdle to get over compared to parents. And, as per my previous post, if the OP makes contact with the father conditional on her son not seeing his grandparents the courts will not support her.

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 11:10

His demanding job??
Fair enough was going by his job title, which would assume that he could also be working nights due to trading in different time zone, but ultimately it is irrelevant. You can't judge his capacity to be a decent father just because he refused to do nightfeeds alone, whatever his reasons.

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 11:14

What you need to ask yourself is whether you would be happy, for your baby, that he has never any contact with his father. Because the hardef and longer you prevent contact, hlthe harder it will be for both of them to bond with each other making it much harder to establish good happy contact.

If you indeed you would happy for your child to never have any cotnwct with his dad, do you truly, deep in your heart l, believe that is best for your child?

Raindrops81 · 31/05/2019 11:24

He refused to do night feeds

And? My father never did a night feed, that didn't stop him from becoming the most amazing father.

Oh wow. So it's ok for a dad to refuse to feed his baby? Presumably it's not ok for a mum to not feed her baby?
Why does the dad get a free pass?

If a couple choose together that only one parent doing the feeds works for them then that is different. But when one parent asks and the other refuses, you're saying that's ok?

sincethereis · 31/05/2019 11:32

@raindrops81

Not the poster but from what I gathered she was saying that not doing night feeds or changing nappies doesn’t make someone an incompetent father or a father that shouldn’t have contact with their child!

pikapikachu · 31/05/2019 11:33

You can't judge his capacity to be a decent father just because he refused to do nightfeeds alone, whatever his reasons.

Of course you can judge a parent for not doing nightfeeds for a baby so young. Not feeding a baby at night is abusive and life threatening ffs.

IndieTara · 31/05/2019 11:37

Op solicitors, mediation and court is messy and very expensive ( I spk from experience )
Whatever the outcome is re contact, if it's all set out in a court order but he doesn't stick to it you at least have recourse.
Plus you can then involve the police. If for instance he refused to give the baby back and it sets out contact in a court order the police can get the baby back for you. If there's no legal contact order the most the police can do is a welfare check of the baby, but they won't remove the baby from parental care without court ordered contact being provable

redwoodmazza · 31/05/2019 11:37

Not sure whether this link may help?

www.mylawyer.co.uk/parental-responsibilities-a-A76051D35033/

IABUQueen · 31/05/2019 11:38

I’m not breastfeeding 😥 I had a very bad labour and birth and was unable to breastfeed straight away. I did try when he was a couple of days old but it just didn’t work. Could I try again at this stage?

I think you can still try. There are many websites online showing how you can get back your milk supply.

I haven’t read the full thread. But your story hits a nerve and for me breastfeeding empowered me in limiting other (toxic) people’s access to my child.

Good luck

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 11:41

It wasn’t only night feeds he didn’t do. He wouldn’t get up with the baby at all during the night. He wouldn’t change a nappy. I had a very bad labour and birth and was in hospital for a few days because of it. When I came home, he hadn’t washed a single stitch of clothes or done any housework. He’s extremely messy but did nothing to help out when it came to chores. I could barely sit down after the birth and had to clean all the house for his family coming to visit (my family stayed away because they knew how unwell I was) he didn’t cook a single meal for the whole time he lived here. If I didn’t cook, we didn’t eat. I could go on, but I won’t. Then when he left, he became extremely abusive on emails and text messages.

Now he wants overnights?! He’s not interested in the baby and I think his mother is driving this whole thing. That’s why I got laughed at when I offered contact but said she wasn’t to be left alone with the baby while the baby was in his care.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 11:43

Oh, and swingofthings - did you also see the part where I wrote that he didn’t bother his arse to turn up to the baby’s registration?

OP posts:

Darkstar4855 · 31/05/2019 11:48

OP I would strongly advise talking to your health visitor and, if you have a weekly drop in/weighing clinic, go regularly. If your ex is trying to paint you as an unfit mother then having a good relationship with your health visitor and regularly taking the baby to be weighed shows that you are engaging with services and doing everything right for your baby.

If the court asks your health visitor for a report and they have seen you regularly with a happy healthy baby then you have nothing to worry about.

Original poster

Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 12:00

Hi, @Darkstar4855

I see my HV regularly. She’s never had a single concern and is always very happy with the baby and me. He has had a good, steady weight gain since birth. The doctor was also very happy with both of us at my 6 week check. I discussed the situation with her and she laughed at the claim made by my ex’s mother that I was suffering from PND. She told me they would note the call as being malicious and there would never be any follow up if they received such a call again.

I have 3 kids, am a very experienced and fit mother and the fact he is trying to paint me as an unfit mother does not scare me in the slightest. My other 2 kids are put out to school each day with clean clothes and a full belly. My house is spotless. I take pride in my appearance. I am coping amazingly on my own and he knows it. I have an amazing relationship and bond with my kids and they are all very well looked after. I work full time too (on mat leave atm) so can more than provide for my kids financially. He can try and paint me as whatever he likes but he will get nowhere

OP posts:

Darkstar4855 · 31/05/2019 12:14

@Nineteeneightyone sounds like you are doing all the right things then. Hopefully he is just making threats and will give up and leave you in peace, otherwise ask for supervised contact only.

prh47bridge · 31/05/2019 12:22

He is unlikely to get overnights at this stage but, if he goes through the courts, he will get overnights eventually. And, on the information you have given, the courts will not stop his mother being left alone with the baby while the baby is in his care.

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 12:23

Could I try again at this stage?

It's worth trying.

Put the baby to your breast at every feed, before giving formula.

Get an electric pump and try pumping as regularly as you can as well. Your midwife/HV may be able to get you one or to rent one. Ask them and contact local breast feeding group/la leche league etc.

Drinks lots, eat lots of oats (porridge, flapjacks etc.).

Moralitym1n1 · 31/05/2019 12:30

I tried a tommee tippee or similar single electric pump, then got a 'hospital grade' double electric pump (spectra S1) - in my case I just bought it second hand on eBay and bought the tubing etc new on Anawiz UK - the difference was significant. So I'd recommend trying to get a good one - I think you can rent them.

But I think the most important thing is to just keep putting that baby on every chance you get. Bfing supply is response to demand, the demand has to be there regularly and consistently.

Remember you can combine feed - breast first then formula. I did that for 6 months and my sil for 9 months.

I did both within same feed but ideally I think it should be one feed bf, next feed formula and so on.

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