To ask if my ex will be allowed access to the baby

[Ninteeneightyone]

I posted a few weeks ago “Is DP BU” as my then partner was refusing to do night feeds for our then 5 week old baby. We ended up splitting up due the issues I spoke about when I first posted.

Fast forward a week and I posted again (Is DP BU Part 2) about him becoming very abusive in emails and text messages - calling me a worthless cunt, an unfit mother, a sad desperate troll...etc. He also took my WhatsApp picture and photoshopped a horses head on to it. His mother also called my doctor claiming she was my MIL and told them she thought I had post natal depression.

I received a lot of good advice on here, telling me to stop contact and lodge a report with the police regarding the malicious phone call made by the mother and the abuse I was receiving from my ex. I did this, but as I hadn’t heard anything else from him, I didn’t seek legal advice.

He emailed me again tonight asking for access 2-3 nights a week (we’ve been split up 3 weeks now) I emailed back saying no - my baby is 8 weeks old ffs! He’s not even paid a penny in maintenance since the split so I’ve had to go to the CSA. Now, I’ve just had an email from him saying he’s been in touch with a lawyer who is building a court case against me. He also called me psychotic and twisted.

Can anyone offer any advice on what the likelihood is of him getting access to my son? If access is awarded, will it be contact centre? Overnight stays?

He didn’t turn up to the baby’s birth registration, therefore his name isn’t on the birth certificate, so at the moment he has no parental responsibility. I’m worried sick that the court will award him parental responsibility then if he gets access he won’t have to return my son.

Also swingofthings is talking crap.

His subsequent behaviour Inc calling his partner a cunt, disparaging her excellent parenting, malicious phone calls lying about her mental health ..it's very obvious what sort of person he is (and what sort of family he comes from that his mother is involved in it).

@Moralitym1n1

Thank you for the advice. I do have a breast pump as I was planning on breastfeeding. I didn’t think I’d have been able to relactate at this stage, but I’ll give it a go.

Considering he’s not on the birth certificate he actually has no legal parental responsibility at this point so has no rights as such.

He will be able to be added to the bc should he choose, but I presume it was his choice not to be in it in the first place.

Do not allow an abusive man into your home. If you did allow him to see the child he couldn’t keep him I don’t believe as he is not legally recognised as the father so the Police could help you.

Should add I’m not legally qualified! I wouldn’t advise you do anything without speaking to a solicitor.

Keep everything as evidence.
Report every threat to the police. This will get it on record.

No court will award overnight stays for a baby that young!

Of course he will be allowed access to your son. He's HIS son too.

And maintenance money has no relation to contact. You cannot withhold your son from him on the premise that he isn't paying you money.

I'd suggest you carry on with a CSA claim and in the meantime try to come up with some civil contact agreement to suit you all.

And yes definitely try breastfeeding again, there's loads of support.

Op there's advice on relactation on the Kelly mom site and it actually seems to be aimed at women a lot further on (with older babies) than you.

They seem to say roughly what I was saying; very regular nursing, pumping and maybe supplements like fenugreek.

There are quite a few netmums and Mumsnet posts on the subject too, may be worth looking at.

There are also lots of good pumping and 'increasing supply' videos on YouTube. The Americans are really into it because they return to work so soon.

What a delightful human your ex is. If he is applying for court, don't worry about it. It saves you applying.

On a more serious note, I would contact social services and report him for emotional and physiological abuse, I would query if you could log this under section 42 of the care act, as he sounds disgusting and I wouldn't want him anywhere near my baby.

Yes he will get contact and it will eventually build up to overnight, I don't think not helping with no night feeds will hold much weight. I frequently read on he re useless partners who don't help with no feeds, it's not enough to block contact though.

Last bit of advice on pumping - apparently seeing/holding/hearing you baby while doing so makes it much more effective.

Also skin to skin contact while breastfeeding is supposed to make it more effective.

Also swingofthings is talking crap
I might not be saying what OP wants to hear but sadly what I say is in accordance with what a judge would say. Whether he really cares to be part of his baby's life or not, who knows and who knows whether he is rightly advised by his mum to push for contact or not, but if he is determined to do so, he will get his way because it is what is best for the child.

Deciding to deprive a child of bonding with his father because for 5 weeks he didn't clean the house or give a bottle at night is very sad. Opting to try to breastfeed again to make contact more difficult is spiteful.

He asked for visits 2 or 3 times a week and you said no. How was that unreasonable?

You sound like an excellent mother OP. You know what’s best your baby. Do not take anybody’s word on here. Strangers with no legal training. Go see a solicitor. I can’t see anybody in their right mind allowing somebody who isn’t on the birth certificate overnight access when he hasn’t once fed the baby or changed the baby. Speak to your solicitor so that they can organise and offer a contact centre. When he’s there he can prove he can look after the baby. The onus is on him to prove things not you. Get your solicitor to draw up a residency order for the baby. Do it now while his name isn’t on the birth cert. tell them he refused to attend, refused to feed the baby, refused to change the baby and is now demanding overnights! You are worried for the baby’s safety. His mother has made malicious calls so you need a residency order so that if either of them take the baby the police will return to you. There’s a lot you can do OP but you need the help of a solicitor

He asked for visits 2 or 3 times a week and you said no. How was that unreasonable?

No he didn’t. He wants the baby overnight 2 to 3 nights a week.

Deciding to deprive a child of bonding with his father because for 5 weeks he didn't clean the house or give a bottle at night is very sad.

He’d still be refusing to do these things if we were still living together.

Imagine I refused to feed the baby. You would be shouting that the baby should be removed from my care if that were the case.

And FYI - these aren’t the reasons I’m not giving him overnight contact. I’m not allowing overnight contact because the baby is far too young to be away from its mother overnight.

I’m offering him contact, provided his mother is not left alone with my son - I said she can be there while my ex is with the baby, but he’s not to leave the baby alone with her while he’s out or whatever. He laughed when I said this.

I have several reasons why I don’t want that woman left alone with my son. 1. Because of the malicious call she made to my doctor. 2. Her partner is an alcoholic and she sits and gets pissed with him most nights too. 3. My ex told me a lot of stories about how she parented him, I won’t go into detail, but by what he told me she was a pretty unfit mother herself.

She also tried to feed my baby water when he was a few weeks old because he was being fussy and wouldn’t take his bottle. She said he was showing signs of wanting a drink of water! I wasn’t there at the time but luckily my ex stopped her and consulted me first!!

So I have every reason to not want my baby left alone in her care and if I can’t trust him not to leave the baby with her, then my only option is to offer contact while she’s not there. If he doesn’t accept that then that’s his problem.

swingofthings

If you were to read, the OP had already made two attempts at breastfeeding before she split from her ex, so breastfeeding is obviously important to her.

And you know perfectly well that having a relationship with their father is not always in a child's best interests.

I think swingifthings may be my ex 🙄

Strangers with no legal training

There are people on here with legal training but there are also a lot of posts from people who really don't know the law.

I can’t see anybody in their right mind allowing somebody who isn’t on the birth certificate overnight access when he hasn’t once fed the baby or changed the baby

The fact he hasn't fed or changed the baby is irrelevant. Whether or not he is on the birth certificate is also irrelevant. He is unlikely to get overnight contact but not for the reasons you state.

When he’s there he can prove he can look after the baby. The onus is on him to prove things not you

It really isn't. He doesn't have to prove his parenting skills to her any more than she has to prove hers to him. The courts would not regard this as a valid reason for insisting on a contact centre.

Get your solicitor to draw up a residency order for the baby. Do it now while his name isn’t on the birth cert

It is called a Child Arrangements Order. Residence Orders were stopped 5 years ago. Whether or not his name is on the birth certificate is irrelevant. He must be informed if the OP applies for a CAO and is entitled to oppose the application.

tell them he refused to attend, refused to feed the baby, refused to change the baby and is now demanding overnights

None of that is relevant to an application for a CAO stating that the child lives with the OP.

You are worried for the baby’s safety

The OP does appear to be worried but she has not said anything on here that the courts would accept as evidence of a genuine threat to the baby's safety.

His mother has made malicious calls

Again, not relevant.

you need a residency order so that if either of them take the baby the police will return to you

Contrary to what has been said on this thread, if the ex gets PR (which he will have no trouble getting if he wants it) the police generally won't get involved even if the OP has an order saying that the child lives with her. This is a civil matter, not a criminal matter. The police will check the child is safe but they will not remove the child from a parent with PR. If the ex refuses to return the child the OP will have to go to a court to get an emergency order. That may result in the police getting involved.

you need the help of a solicitor

On this point I agree.

Opting to try to breastfeed again to make contact more difficult is spiteful.

She doesn't have any faith in him or his mother and it's blatently obvious why; I think it's sad she should be forced to consider ways of minimising access.

Besides it's not the only reason she'd like to try again with bfing. She missed the opportunity early on because of a very difficult delivery and recovery, which her partner did nothing to alleviate. In fact it sounds like he made it harder for her to recover.

But you've assumed her only reason to try again is negative - which sort of sums up your general battering and undermining of op. What is it with people like you on aibu?

she has not said anything on here that the courts would accept as evidence of a genuine threat to the baby's safety.

She believes with good reason he will involve his mother in the care of the baby. His mother and partner drink to excess - sounds worth a go to me.

If he doesn’t accept that then that’s his problem.

Please get proper legal advice. You may have reasons for saying that his mother must not be left alone with the baby that would be accepted by the court. I haven't seen anything in your posts so far, however, that would justify the courts making such an order.

Since you directed us to your other threads, I had a read. It sounds like you've dodged a bullet in splitting up with him, and he has behaved badly and childishly since your split.

But I am confused at a couple of things. Your attitude towards his mother for example, and your view on him having your child unsupervised.

You now want to prevent contact with the grandmother, but when you'd just split up you were going grandma's house to give baby to her because you had an appointment. Your concerns thst you raise above about parenting, and water and alcoholic partner were all present then, but she was seemingly good enough. Your desire for her not to see her gc therefore seems mostly motivated by the call she made IMO, rather than concerns about your baby in her welfare.

Secondly, you were fine with contact when you first split, and it's only after he couldn't do a particular day, and the arguments you had over his name that you've changed your view. You don't want him to take baby outside the house, but we're fine with this a couple of weeks ago? The Tuesday he couldn't have your baby, had it been agreed with both of you in advance? If not, after juggling work to look after your son on the Monday (or work cancelled, whatever) then he's unlikely to get last minute time off on the following day too.

Thirdly, and it may well be an oversight on your part, but telling him you didn't give him his surname because he want at the appointment is wrong. Your child can have whatever surname you choose, irrespective of who attends the appointment. My child doesn't share the surname of me or her father. It may be you didn't realise this, but maybe you did, and we aren't hearing quite everything.

Irrespective, he's treated you badly and it sounds like you are better off apart. If he wants to be a good dad now though, please let him, and having decent quality time with your son to bond is important.

With drinking they wont see it as a problem really. I know that's so bad but that's my experience.

My friend split with his DD's mum when she was pregnant, then met his now wife when their dd was 6 months old. When his ex found out he was seeing someone new, she refused to let him see his daughter. He tried and tried and she just ghosted him. He took her to court time and time again and she just never showed up. Moved without telling him etc.
Eventually he won and was awarded regular access. By this point she was 6 years old. He fought all those years.
He was never abusive, he's a nice guy.
If he can be kept from his daughter for 6 years, I reckon you can keep your absolute shit of an ex away from your baby until you are comfortable.
Good luck xx

A lawyer will cost him and it wont cost you anything if you have your case logged with Women's aid and can prove this. DO NOTHING! Let him take it to court. The most he will get with a small baby is a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon at this stage. Overnights usually wont happen until much later. Hopefully he will lose interest/run out of money, as you really don't want an abusive man in your child's life anyway. I know this is inappropriate and unorthodox but can you tell him the kid isnt his? It sounds like your baby could do without this man and his awful mother in its life.