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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my ex will be allowed access to the baby

147 replies

Ninteeneightyone · 30/05/2019 22:49

I posted a few weeks ago “Is DP BU” as my then partner was refusing to do night feeds for our then 5 week old baby. We ended up splitting up due the issues I spoke about when I first posted.

Fast forward a week and I posted again (Is DP BU Part 2) about him becoming very abusive in emails and text messages - calling me a worthless cunt, an unfit mother, a sad desperate troll...etc. He also took my WhatsApp picture and photoshopped a horses head on to it. His mother also called my doctor claiming she was my MIL and told them she thought I had post natal depression.

I received a lot of good advice on here, telling me to stop contact and lodge a report with the police regarding the malicious phone call made by the mother and the abuse I was receiving from my ex. I did this, but as I hadn’t heard anything else from him, I didn’t seek legal advice.

He emailed me again tonight asking for access 2-3 nights a week (we’ve been split up 3 weeks now) I emailed back saying no - my baby is 8 weeks old ffs! He’s not even paid a penny in maintenance since the split so I’ve had to go to the CSA. Now, I’ve just had an email from him saying he’s been in touch with a lawyer who is building a court case against me. He also called me psychotic and twisted.

Can anyone offer any advice on what the likelihood is of him getting access to my son? If access is awarded, will it be contact centre? Overnight stays?

He didn’t turn up to the baby’s birth registration, therefore his name isn’t on the birth certificate, so at the moment he has no parental responsibility. I’m worried sick that the court will award him parental responsibility then if he gets access he won’t have to return my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 00:03

Btw - he’s not even seen a lawyer!!

Apparently he was giving the details to his cousin over text messages, who’s friend is a family lawyer (apparently) and she is putting him together a family court action suit against me. So he says.

I think you all may be right that this is BS and an attempt to bully me into giving him the baby.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 31/05/2019 00:08

Don't back down. He is bullshitting you. He doesn't even have a solicitor, despite what he might say. I suspect a lot of this is being pushed by his mother.
And press ahead with our CMS claim, if he isn't giving you any money.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 31/05/2019 00:15

Do not let him in your home! Do not let him visit alone with the baby in your home! While there he can snoop and photograph personal documents. He can plant illegal drugs and report you to the authorities.
Request all visitation be supervised by a court officer in a mediation center. Do not allow any visitation until it is settled through legal mediation or the court.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 31/05/2019 03:31

If he goes to court, he will be allowed access to the baby as he is the father. Unless there is a reason he shouldnt be allowed. Probably not overnight as the baby is so small. Is there a reason you do y want him to see the baby? Is it because he's been abusive towards you? Do you feel that the baby would be at risk?

Original poster
Ninteeneightyone · 31/05/2019 04:46

It’s not that I don’t want him to see the baby, but I’m scared if I gave him the baby, he wouldn’t give him back. He wants him 3 nights a week at 8 weeks old and his mother is supporting this - she should know better and that a baby so little shouldn’t be away from its mother for any length of time. I don’t trust his mother and I think she would go to to any lengths to take my baby hence the phone call she made to my doctors. I’m surprised I’ve not had a visit from social services yet.

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 31/05/2019 05:00

stop panicking... thats your first step
call all the places you have been told to, womens aid, lawyer, police if need be
keep every single text/email/screenshot as evidence
only speak to him via text or email, never in person or voice
if he turns up start your video on your phone and call the police, make sure you record him the entire time and then save it
he wont be able to go to court without first having a dna test to prove hes the dad and then applying to be put on the birth certificate
then he will apply to the court for access and they will then send you a letter, so you will be notified
and all this will be because you dared say no to him and you must now be punished ( and his mum most likely wants a new toy) so stop reacting and giving him any attention, thats what he wants...

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 05:41

He sounds utterly vile, OP. My advice would be that of GeorgiaGirl ^^

Separate CMS and visitation in your mind. They aren’t related. Either claim maintenance or don’t.

With regards to visitation, you don’t think he can care for your TINY baby and you can’t be around him yourself during visits because he is abusive. Therefore it’s a no until he takes you to court. Keep all evidence of abusive behaviour and request a visitation centre if you have to.

Spanglyprincess1 · 31/05/2019 05:44

Op breathe. Go see a solicitor.
A nice easy offer given threats in three days a week at a contact centre. But discuss with a solicitor first before offering.
If you offer this the contact will be supervised and away from your home.
Good luck and congrats on your baby.
I get the fear, but honestly go seek some advise and be very very reasonable. No overnights but regular supervised contact.

ivykaty44 · 31/05/2019 05:51

Just reply with

If you feel building a case against me is in the interest of our child go right ahead. It would be far better if your lawyer steered you in the direction of mediation which would be better to forge a way forward parenting together and is what I would be happy to take part in.

Look firward to hearing from you on this matter and hopefully we can move forward to a place where parenting together is the norm

He’s all bluff and hasn’t contacted a lawyer and even if he has mediation would be very relevant as a judge will look unfavourable on someone not trying to sort out parenting before taking it to court

ScreamScreamIceCream · 31/05/2019 06:19

OP all parents have to learn to care for their children so that doesn't work as a argument.

As PP suggested offer to go to mediation.

I would also only offer him 2 contact sessions a week for 2 hours to start with at a time that suits you. So make sure it finishes before 6pm and only one is on the weekend.

This is so in future he cannot argue to have your child later when the child goes to nursery and school.

If there is no contact centre nearby then he will have to use the local McDonald's, coffee shop or very child friendly pub instead. He cannot use your home as when you eventually progress to over nights your child needs to be comfortable not being at your place. Plus your home is your sanctuary.

As he's not on the birth certificate if he runs of then the police will have to find him.

bloatedbird · 31/05/2019 06:32

Not on the birth certificate he has ZERO rights

He will even have to pay to prove he is the father

bloatedbird · 31/05/2019 06:33

In fact a lawyer won't touch him unless he can prove he's the father to start with

Babynut1 · 31/05/2019 06:36

I would not allow him access in my home.
I would text him and tell him due to his awful behaviour towards you, you are unwilling to facilitate contact. However you feel it’s important for the baby to have contact with him so you recommend he organise contact in a contact centre at his own expense.

stucknoue · 31/05/2019 06:44

He's asking for 3 nights a week as an opening gambit to avoid paying child support. He's also just annoyed with you so is fighting back trying to upset you. Young babies rarely overnight with absent parents, but you need to try to sit down with him and work out how you can ensure your baby has a relationship with their father - this can be expensively and messily through the courts or by putting aside your differences and putting the child first. The accusations etc are partly on the back of him loosing what he now realises he wants, people do extreme things when angry. He's being unreasonable but the way to solve it is to calm the situation down and put the child first - is there a family member who can help as intermediary to explain all this? Best of luck

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 31/05/2019 06:46

He Will almost certainly get contact. Guideline at this age is little and often

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 31/05/2019 06:46

And he will have no probllem getting court to add him to the birth certificate so that isn't an issue either

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 06:49

At the moment, yoir hormones will still be all over the place and make you 7jderstandably overly protective of your baby, ut the reality is that you had that baby together and he is as much his as your yours. Your baby has a right to build a relationship with him as much as you. You can't decide he doesn't deserve to be a father for the rest of your child's life because of how you judge him as a dad for 8 weeks.

This will be the view of any judge so you need to accept it. Restarting lactation for the sole purpose of stopping overnight stay, and of course it will be shown as such by your ex, will no go in your favour.

The best thing to do is agree to meet with him and agree on compromises. It is not a out waht you allow, it's about whet is reasonable for your baby. Agree on two or three evenings at your house and the build on this gradually. The better you try to get along, stop the insults and accusations, the better for your baby.

What you need more than anything is to build some trust that he can look after yuor joint child because if he really wants to and go to court, he will gain access and it will be in circumstances that he won't have to tell you anything about what he does with your baby when he is with him and that will much worse for you.

Everything is still raw, 8 weeks is nothing, you're probably exhausted mentally and physically and despite what you might think, he is likely to be raw a put your breakup and missing his child too. Many poor actions can be taken under these circumstances, ut again, next week is nothing compare to a life.

Aebj · 31/05/2019 06:49

I take it you are still in contact with a child health nurse , especially in the first couple of months of a child’s life. The CHN will be able to provide medical records of how you are both doing. This is a good thing for you

TheOrigFV45 · 31/05/2019 06:50

It will take weeks to get to court.
You can certainly try to BF, as PP said, the BF board will have advice, or call a local support group (your HV can help there).

Casander · 31/05/2019 06:56

Hi OP,
As previous people have said, try not to panic. The court process is long winded and he can’t just rock up and get a letter from the judge with his demands. It doesn’t work like that.

Firstly he will have to pay, a lot. It’s expensive. Court fees alone for a child arrangements order are around £220. That’s just to hand the first form to the judge, not for legal advice. He will have to do mediation first which costs £30 initially and then £80 a session, and it takes around 4 sessions. This is with his name on the birth certificate, without it he’ll have to apply to force you to get a DNA test so he can then pay again to get parental responsibility. Honestly if he’s not paying maintenance, once he realises how much it costs he’ll probably shut up and go away.

If it does go to court, the judges aren’t daft, they will have seen people like him before and will spot him a mile away. He will get some contact but he won’t get overnight until baby is older. However this will work in your favour as it means he HAS to bring him back and can’t just disappear with him or he will breach the order.

Most people think judge and court and imagine standing at the dock in a big room, in reality it’s just a nice bloke/lady sat in an office type room around a table, certainly to start with. I know it’s easy to say don’t worry but just let him get on with it, block him on everything and let him “take you to court” I have a suspicion he’ll get bored pretty quickly when he’s not getting a reaction.

wonderinwhy · 31/05/2019 06:58

Do not offer him anything before you have taken legal advice. Most offer a free half hour so ring all of your local solicitors (google family solicitor and your area) book one and go see them. Do not jump into rash decisions or actions. Do not respond to any more of his messages. Save and print all communications from him, his mother in a file. Do you know how much a solicitor costs? Mine is £250 per hour. Does he have that sort of money? When my friend tried to fight for custody of his child (who had lived with him for years and he was a great dad) it cost him several thousand pounds and he lost. Does your ex have that sort of money to spend on a court case against you? Plus my friends court case took well over a year to happen. Take a breath and stop panicking. You aren’t going to be dragged into court next week. There would also need to be evidence of attempts at mediation first so he’d have to pay for that. Anything legal is a long process OP so relax. Spend the next few days booking up a solicitor appointment. Do not respond to him or offer him anything until you’ve spoken to a professional.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 31/05/2019 07:04

A man who won’t do night feeds wants the baby 3 nights a week??? 😂😂😂

You need to hold your nerve and play your hand cleverly, this man sounds manipulative and abusive.

I would go back to the police and follow up.
I would do nothing and agree nothing until you hear from his “lawyer”.
If you are concerned about contact I urge you to start collating evidence of his abuse (text, emails etc and build a harassment case)
I would send one email telling him to stop contacting you and point out it would be insane/wildly irresponsible of you to hand over a baby to a man that refuses to feed it!!!

if he actually bothers taking you to court you can then reasonably insist on a contact centre (ie supervised but not in the home)

You know this guy is full of crap (legal advice from his friends cousin by text 🙄 pfffft!) stop letting him control you.

And Do not agree to allow this man back into your home!!!!!

ElephantsEatEggs · 31/05/2019 07:09

It is a power thing, he wants to control you with fear. Do you really think he wants the responsibility of a newborn? He couldn't even be arsed to do night feeds.

Get legal advice. Do not offer contact at this stage. Let him take it to court. He will have to put his hand in his pocket for this. He will need to do a DNA test to prove he is the father, then go for access.

Don't panic about the fact that he is trying to paint you as mentally unstable. Contact your HV and let them know what is happening.

All contact with him has to be in writing so you have it. Do not speak to him.

Try to enjoy spending time with your baby. You may want to move this thread over to legal, rather than AIBU which can be a blood bath. You are not the first person to go through this with a dick head for your baby's father.

Report your own post and ask for it to be moved over to legal.

HappyHedgehog247 · 31/05/2019 07:14

Hi. Lots of solicitors will give you a free initial session. Keep a dated diary of all texts and incidents. Do not allow access in the meantime. Court will see this as evidence you do believe he is fit to parent. Let him take you to court if needed. It’s a slow process with mediation first. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. X

Natsku · 31/05/2019 07:17

Do not allow an abusive man into your home!! Don't offer any contact at this stage, if he's bluffing he'll give up when you don't give in to his demands, and if he's not then he has to go through the process and then at mediation you can offer reasonable contact at a contact centre (again, not in your house - make that very clear that he will never be coming in your house again because of his abuse)