If a 7 year old child disclosed this to you...

[redredbrine]

AIBU for quick traffic

what would your immediate actions be?

• they are scared of their dad
• they don't want to go to their dads because he shouts
• their dad is aggressive and angry and breaks things when they do something wrong
• that they're sad that daddy broke up with his girlfriend because that means they have to be on their own with him
• that their dad pinned them down with his foot and wouldn't let them move even though they were upset
• that they are scared to talk to mummy about it because they don't want daddy to shout at mummy (they're not together)
• daddy breaks their toys when he's angry
• daddy uses swear works
• daddy says nasty things about mummy
• I wish I didn't have to go there

Mum first. I'd be horrified if this was happening to my child and I didn't know.

Mum first. I'd be horrified if this was happening to my child and I didn't know. But OP can't know if mum is in the dark, compliant, involved or just too scared to act.

That's why each individual is aksked to report, not to judge, make and decisions, think it through, second guess themselves or seek anyone elses advice. Just report it... let the professionals deal with it.

Ad yes, I know... but the child's safety has to come first with every individual that comes into contact with them.

Do not just speak to the mother and leave it there. You have to report it to the council so SS can get involved, this child needs protecting. She has trusted you and, as an adult, you need to do what you can to ensure her safety.

SukiQ10
What she says but I can tell you that most probably things might not change

Call NSPCC for advice or call SS. Don't expect mother to do it. You are an independent witness and I think it's important you speak up to the authorities yourself.

I am a social worker and i agree that you should not say anything to her DM. She may try to minimise things and brush them off.

I would call either the NSPCC or social services directly and pass on what you were told. In some areas you can do this by e mail too.

You can remain anonymous if you want but it is better to leave your details is they can contact you to clarify things and to be assured you are not being malicious.

Please report it. You don't know if the mum will do anything or can do anything.

I meant to add that it is the pinning down by his foot thing that is the most concerning of these points. He is using force to intimidate her which is abusive.

If she tells you further things ask her open questions to see if she tells you more detail 'tell me more about that' or 'what happened next' is a good way to go.

Report it!

Also erring on the worse side, if you do tell mum first and she is already knowing and uncaring she may well punish her daughter or coach her in lies.

Lots of options.
Local safeguarding team through the Clinical Commissioning Group.
There is usually a helpline something like "First Response" to report concerns.
NSPCC for anonymous concerns
Call her school nursing team and report or her school safeguarding lead

You were right to be concerned and now don't ignore it.

Well I have a child safety cert for all my volunteering and I can say first call is to SS - not the parent.

Every adult is now legally obliged to report these items to SS - here in Ireland at least not sure what your law is.

When I heard similar, I spoke to the school.

Talk to her Mother first and go forward based on her reaction. If she is defensive and refuses to let you babysit again as a result then I would be inclined to contact SS. It may be that the Mother has absolutely no idea the Father is like this, her DD maybe afraid to tell her so you need to give the Mother a chance first.

I really wouldn't tell her mother first at all.

I really don’t think you should tell the mother first.

Straight to social services.

I wouldn't tell the mum either. Well, I would probably say something like "she seems to feel quite strongly about not wanting to see her dad anymore" and take it from there.

I would report it to SS asap.

I would take this seriously. He/she has confided in you and they need help now. I would make an immediate referral to SS.

Pinkvoid that's not great advice. OP, you can refer this on yourself to the local authority. In my area, there is a one-stop-shop called MASH which others have referred to. It stands for Multi-Agency-Safeguarding Hub. Write down as soon as you are able what the child told you. Date it. As soon as you are able, phone or email the local children's services/safeguarding team and pass it on. Ask for their advice on telling the mother.

I am safeguarding lead in an organisation, and I also teach in 2 schools. The main things to do are to listen without judging or asking leading questions, to make contemporaneous notes, to refer it on ASAP and to reassure the child that they have done the right thing by telling you. When I have had to call MASH for advice, they have been really helpful.

I know this won't make you feel better but you are obviously a special person if this child felt she could confide in you. Hope all goes well

Why is the automatic assumption that Mum doesn't care or won't do anything? In effect punishing and judging mum for her ex husbands actions. Not even giving her the chance to do right by her child when the child has told you herself that she hides it from her Mum to protect her.

Because the dynamics/psychology of abusive relationships tend to reduce the ability to respond in a way that's best for the child.

By the sounds of it, if the mother did try to do something, she'd be at risk of aggression at the least, violence being very likely. This way can also protect her as well as the child.

I agree but still think Mum needs to be told what's going on with her own child alongside outside agencies being informed.

Because it's safer for the child in case she does know. It's not the assumption she knows, it's what is safer for the child. If she doesn't worse case she's devestated at hearing the abuse and hurt but should be able to see her child's safety was put first.

If she does know, worse case she is warned and complicit and the child is abused more or coached.

If it was my child, i would rather they reported right away and their sole concern was for my child's protection not on my feelings. Additionally if mum isn't aware of report, dad can't accuse the mum of coaching her dc and try to make out she's a vindictive ex.

@CarolDanvers - it is the law and the way we are told to do it here. There is no option to talk to the parents and TBH in these cases it is better for SS to be involved as they know how to move forward, the OP and all of us do not. The mother will be told but that is not the OP's role.

Child safeguarding is all about what is best for the child. In most cases children are abused by family.

I'd let the mum know. However carcass and children's court would still allow visitations even when all thus has been said and worse. It's the way the system seems to work at present.

People thought it had swung too much in the mother's favour so now it's contact for the father no matter what.

It very hard to get supervised contact.