To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

Its more complicated than this when the benefits to the whole family are involved, but speaking very generally, I think teens can sense whether you are fulfilled and happy as a sahm or whether you being an astronaut in training floats your boat. It's how you feel about your role that they respond to generally I think.

Well if dc are at school your not a SAHM your just unemployed.

The term you’re looking for is “economically inactive”.....

Mine thankfully seem to have a mind of their own, along with a hive mind.

And yet you think you can teach them to believe what you want them to believe.

Funnily enough, their peers seem rather envious of their home set up - getting home to a hot meal, a hot or cold drink, and someone to talk to.

So you think that only children of SAHP some home to a hot meal. The great majority of working parents manage that too believe it or not. I can't believe that any teenager is jealous of someone who's mummy makes them a drink when they get home either. Most can do that themselves. You sound like a servant.

Teenagers are heavily influenced by their peers though. You can tell them that your contribution is worthy of respect but if their peers mothers are doing what you do and earning they probably won't respect your contribution as much as you would like to think.

No, DC are more impressed by my voluntary work, than anything I did professionally (and DS has qualified in our profession, so he knows how hard it is). We live in an affluent area, where wearing an Armani belt or Abercrombie and Fitch, the latest smart phone and where you have been on holiday were what was important at school. DS was in the same class as the son of an England footballer, so his new Nike trainers every fortnight from his father's sponsors were more of a talking point than what mothers were doing! DD was more impressed by best friend's mother's Mulberry handbag than the fact, we are both graduates in the same profession!

I thought life would be easy once DC 1 got 15 hrs. Problem is once I've dropped her at nursery, DC2 at Childminder other side of town (No spaces closer) done a decent food shop and child unfriendly cleaning/DIY (painting, attacking timescale etc) the 6 hour day is gone! On the short days, when DC 2 isn't in childcare one errand wipes out the entire 3 hour session. Nursery is really close as well!

I'm looking hard at from home freelancing (proofreading good synergy for ex city lawyer) but need something "social" in an office or similar for my own sanity as well - could be voluntary though...

As others have said, being a SAHP makes you financial vulnerable. Not just in case you split up, but you do not know what the future may hold.
In my case, my DH lost his job and spent the next ten years in and out of work, some temp jobs, even some intern jobs (unpaid). There is also long term sickness or other unforseen circumstances.
Until I tried, I thought it would be easy to find work again, but it turned out to be harder than I expected, to get back into work. However, I persevered, starting off with part-time work, and eventually full time work, which will give me a pension as well.
Of course, part time is easier for young children, but I wont pretend it is easy finding wrap around care, school holiday care, etc
I certainly did not return to work because of boredom. I was never bored at home.

You sound like a servant

As are most workers.

When my youngest started school people asked me if I was going to return to work. I thought well if you could get me a job 10-3, with about three months off scattered throughout the year then I probably would. I had no family nearby and the reason I stopped working in the first place was childcare cost more than what I was earning. There were no wraparound clubs at the school and that still left all the holidays.
As it happens my husband died when the kids were 4 and 6. We downsized. We eventually moved to a much cheaper area. I took the money from the life insurance to invest in flipping houses. We’ve managed and I’ve kept my hours very part time. But it only worked because I was self employed.
I also volunteer at school, when the were in juniors I organised the discos and helped with the summer fairs etc. Now they are teens and without a dad it’s just as important that I’m there.
Also I had my family in my 40s. I was very independent and I’m happy in my own company. I put myself out there and made a good circle of friends. I’m never bored.
I’d embrace it if I were you but don’t just obsess about your house and domestic stuff, explore your interests, take some courses, do volunteer work, become a productive member of society.

I was for several years and it was definitely the most rewarding and fulfilling time of my life.

I was never bored - as opposed to being bored at work all the time - hence being on mumsnet.

I have to say taking that time off never really seemed to affect my job prospects and I was semi retired and working part time in my mid 40's

But I guess it depends on what you value on life and how interested you are in the world around you and enjoy life. Not a judgement - just a reality.

And yet you think you can teach them to believe what you want them to believe.

No, I hope I can influence what they come to believe - and their attitude and words that are indicative of appreciation and respect leads me to believe that this has come to pass.

So you think that only children of SAHP some home to a hot meal.hmm The great majority of working parents manage that too believe it or not. I can't believe that any teenager is jealous of someone who's mummy makes them a drink when they get home either. Most can do that themselves. You sound like a servant.

I don't believe that I said that only children of SAHP come home to a hot meal. And certainly don't think that working parents don't manage it - I have a great deal of respect for working parents, and know just how well they manage to squeeze it all in. Yes, my kids are appreciative if they get home, tired and sopping wet, and someone's been thoughtful enough to get them a hot chocolate - even though they're more than capable of getting it themselves. Just a little sign of care and thought, that they appreciate. Maybe I just got lucky on the whole appreciative kids thing .

I sound like a servant? Well, yes, traditionally, domestic work, such as cleaning, cooking, looking after people has been perceived and devalued as being drudgery and servitude, without skill and unworthy of respect. It's a shame, really, that such sad old perceptions still persist.

Particularly when women who would be the first to burst into flames at a man speaking so slightingly of what was traditionally perceived as 'womens work' seem to espouse such views.

No, DC are more impressed by my voluntary work, than anything I did professionally (and DS has qualified in our profession, so he knows how hard it is).

You misunderstand. I didn't mean that you have to earn money. I meant that they will probably not be impressed if you do nothing more than their peers mums and don't work (whether or not paid).

I was in a similar situation when my youngest went to school (I had worked between DCs 1&2, but then became a SAHM so not out of work for so long). DH earned enough for us to have a very comfortable standard of living.

For DC2's first year in school, I did volunteering, partly at the school and partly at a charity shop. This gave me flexiblity for that first year of DC2 catching every bug going, and put something to talk about on my CV. (If you are volunteering, it's easier to cover school holidays and sick kids!)

Then went back to work part time in another school. My volunteering in my DCs school did help me get that. So it's admin, but term time only (slightly different holidays but not significantly so).

After childcare costs, I bring very little into the family pot each month compared to being a SAHM, but I have my own pension again, and feel like it's at least getting me back into work so that when the DCs are older, or if something happened to DH, I wouldn't be trying to start looking for a well paying job having done nothing CV worthy for a decade.

What you can say OP, is you are afforded an opportunity very few adults get, you are able to start again without a requirement to earn a certain level to support a standard of living. You can do a few years of study or volunteering or low paid jobs that might lead towards something you are more interested in doing.

So many people are stuck on a career path they picked when they were little more than kids and didn't have much life experience, and didn't really know themselves. But once they've got to a certain level, and have a mortgage to pay and responsibilities, the idea of starting again isn't really an option. For you OP, it's an option. Embrace it!

Maybe I'm morbid but I worry a lot about what would happen if DH suddenly passed away

I'd be LOADED. Mortgage would be paid off. His death in service is something like 3 times his annual salary, plus his pension... it's a lot of money.

These debates always end up the same way, passive aggressive little swipes about "I don't know what you DO all day". I've not had a "proper job" since 2003. Perfectly happy. Work for myself, at home, part time. (And not selling aloe vera or similar). Very happy.

I think making a decision about work based on what you think your children will be grateful for in the future is folly, and also quite unfair on them. Some of the adults I know resent their working mothers, some of them despise their SAHM, some of them are massively admiring of their WOHMs, some of them are massively admiring of their SAHMs. It seems to be quite a complex mix of the different personalities involved - I know cases where two siblings feel differently.

DS is only a baby at the moment, but I work and always intend to. I enjoy my work a lot, and believe there's no reason that you can't work and be a good and present mother. Who knows what will happen in life, though? I could lose my career (it's not in the healthiest of industries, especially depending on Brexit), I could get ill, he could have special needs that make working difficult. Whatever happens, I don't think it's fair to expect him to validate or be grateful for the decisions I make - I'm the one making them, not him.

No, I hope I can influence what they come to believe

So they are not that old yet and you don't really know what they will believe. If they really do have minds of their own they will make up their own minds.

Just a little sign of care and thought, that they appreciate. Maybe I just got lucky on the whole appreciative kids thing

I don't think the fact that your kid appreciate mummy making them a hot chocolate means that other kids are unappreciative. I just think that most older teenagers would not really see it a reason not to work.

@Notabedofroses I think the study that @newjobnerves was referring to is the one where daughters of working mothers tend to go on to earn more money themselves than their peers whose mother was at home. It's not really a barometer of anything other than income.

The reality is that mothers who stay at home are likely to be less focussed on financial or material 'success' and perhaps that is passed on to their daughters, and vice versa. It's not really a barometer of happiness.

I work from home. It's not a full wage at all, but it's something. No it's not mlm.

For a totally different perspective as an adult now I wish my mother had worked when we were in school. She was a very good teacher before we were born but became a SAHM permanently. She was PTA, parent governor, always there to help with home work, dinner on the table every night, supportive of multiple hobbies and interests but her level of help and engagement with my schooling was overwhelming and often made me uncomfortable.
Also she was a very strong minded feminist and I didn't see her walking the walk - I think seeing her working would have been a good role model for me.

Yes we had quite a dysfunctional relationship anyway but I honestly think if she had been channeling her brain and energy into work and getting endorsement of her skills elsewhere my childhood would have been easier!

Well, they're 13 and 15, and have to say, one thing they've never been accused of, is not having a mind of their own. You are quite right, they will make up their own minds! And I'm certainly not telling them (by words or deeds) that the one true path to being a good and worthwhile person is by being a SAHM. (Of course, neither am I telling them that the one true path to being a good and worthwhile person is to get a job - although they're going to have to find a way to support themselves because they sure as hell aren't staying here forever!).

Um, is it just me, or is using 'mummy' in that way a really rather sneery sort of thing? If it isn't meant that way, it's kind of coming across that way, so would you mind not doing it? I'm talking to you politely, and I hope, respectfully, and I'd really appreciate it if you returned the courtesy.

Again, I'm not saying that my kids being appreciative of a very minute gesture of kindness (aroha as we'd say in Maori), means that other teenagers are not so appreciative. Certainly not intending to imply it. Nor, I would agree, is it a reason not to work, and I'd take issue if anyone thought that it were! In my case, it's a happy by-product of me currently not working. Not the reason for it.

The reality is that mothers who stay at home are likely to be less focussed on financial or material 'success' and perhaps that is passed on to their daughters, and vice versa.

I don't think you can claim that, as a group, SAHMs are more or less materialistic than WOHMs. They are less likely to be committed to making money themselves, but there are plenty of posts on this thread from women who care quite a lot about their material comfort and financial success, it's just that they see that as something that their DP has responsibility for.

Also she was a very strong minded feminist and I didn't see her walking the walk

Feminism doesn't preach both parents working. There is nothing un-feminist about choosing to be a SAHP.

Dungeon - the bitterness in your posts shines through.

What DC appreciate is happy parents. Happy and content in their choices - whatever that means to the parent. This may mean being SAHP. It may mean doing a routine office job. It may mean being PM - whatever!

My DS is 16 and told me recently that he thinks I’m one of the most successful people he knows because I’ve been able to follow my heart and live a life where I can prioritise the things that are most important to me (ie my family). And achieve a lovely lifestyle to boot! He totally gets it. His dad is a high-earning workaholic and his experience has shown him that happiness and “worth” should never be equated to a job title. He respects both roles and anything in between!

I’m here with him today and he appreciates he’s not in his own in study leave. If he fancies a break we just nip out for a smoothie or something.

He says, “I know I give you a hard time sometimes, but it’s you who keeps me sane.”

He has made his own mind up. If he can grasp that there’s more to life than a job spec (as can his father), it’s a shame you can’t.

My DS is 16 and told me recently that he thinks I’m one of the most successful people he knows because I’ve been able to follow my heart and live a life where I can prioritise the things that are most important to me (ie my family). And achieve a lovely lifestyle to boot! He totally gets it. His dad is a high-earning workaholic and his experience has shown him that happiness and “worth” should never be equated to a job title.

Sorry, maybe I've misunderstood your set up, but surely you've only 'achieved a lovely lifestyle' through your DH's workaholism? It seems astonishingly unfair that you're taking the credit both for having the money and for not being so close-minded and conventional as to, you know, actually earn it.

I think it also de3on the partners income and the lifestyle you can have with one salary. A dh supporting a whole family on £50k is going to be providing a very different lifestyle to one on £150k

I meant that they will probably not be impressed if you do nothing more than their peers mums and don't work (whether or not paid).

In my experience most teens are at times annoyed and unimpressed by their own parents/guardians regardless of their situation.
Between my children's friends there are full time working couples, SAHP, couples where one works full time and one part time, working single parents, non-working single parents, retired couples, kids who live with grandparents or grown up siblings, a child who's a carer for a parent, step parents...
Family circumstances are so diverse and my teens seem really switched on to that. and they understand why DH and I have made the choices we have.