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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
Happyspud · 29/05/2019 11:55

I think it’s wrong to be financially dependent on someone else unless it is absolutely the best thing for your family but otherwise it’s just outsourcing the adult responsibility of finances to someone else. Not fair and not good for anyone.

ReturnofSaturn · 29/05/2019 11:55

Well what is it to you NewAccount?
If she's happy with that life and her husband is happy for her to be home then all is good.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 11:58

In my experience most teens are at times annoyed and unimpressed by their own parents/guardians regardless of their situation.
Between my children's friends there are full time working couples, SAHP, couples where one works full time and one part time, working single parents, non-working single parents, retired couples, kids who live with grandparents or grown up siblings, a child who's a carer for a parent, step parents...
Family circumstances are so diverse and my teens seem really switched on to that. and they understand why DH and I have made the choices we have.

So True! In particular your first and last sentences!

Dungeondragon15 · 29/05/2019 12:03

Dungeon - the bitterness in your posts shines through.

That is laughable. You don't know anything about me. What do you think I am bitter about?!!!

My DS is 16 and told me recently that he thinks I’m one of the most successful people he knows because I’ve been able to follow my heart and live a life where I can prioritise the things that are most important to me (ie my family). And achieve a lovely lifestyle to boot! He totally gets it. His dad is a high-earning workaholic and his experience has shown him that happiness and “worth” should never be equated to a job title. He respects both roles and anything in between!

So your DS's idea of success is getting someone else to earn the money so he can do nothing?

NewAccount270219 · 29/05/2019 12:03

I don't have any problem at all with how they run their lives. I do think it's disingenuous and smug to go on about how amazing a person you are for 'following your heart' and being above the petty concerns of work, and 'achieving' an amazing lifestyle, and how that's the true measure of success - all while seemingly looking down on the sadly misaligned priorities of the person who actually makes your entire lifestyle possible. Deriding workaholism while reaping its financial benefits is a bit galling.

Daydreamer34 · 29/05/2019 12:03

I'm a sahm to school age kids. Im not going to back to work. I didn't have a career before my kids, I worked in a call centre that I absolutely hated. My husband earns enough to cover everything so I look after the house, shopping, all the kids school stuff etc. If I went back to work it would be a job I hated. We also have no child care cover. It's just easier this way.
But if i had a career I'd think differently

Myl0w · 29/05/2019 12:05

If you don’t need the money volunteer for something. You can work it round childcare and most things, like being a governor or running a toddler group, can look good on a CV if and when you do look for work.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 12:06

“Sorry, maybe I've misunderstood your set up, but surely you've only 'achieved a lovely lifestyle' through your DH's workaholism? “

Er no, it’s called a marriage. I support DH, he supports me. Just in different ways. And everything we do obviously, puts our 4 DC in the forefront.

So I focus on the day to day - emotional support; homework / getting them into the senior schools; friends; the home; good food; all their activities etc etc. I do this because, for me, anything else would be a distraction from what I feel is most important. We would not have had 4 DC otherwise. We rely on nobody else. DH can travel and focus 100% on his work - this pays for our homes; school fees and will be a legacy that changes the futures of our DC and hopefully their DC and so on. This is why we do it. Why compromise ourselves if we don’t want to?

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 12:09

Dungeon - you may choose to do things a different way. Picking apart other people’s lifestyles is fairly foolish no? And does seem to suggest a certain amount of resentment.

Rideforthehills · 29/05/2019 12:10

@Crispsandwiches - I agree there is nothing unfeminist about being a SAHP but I am talking about my personal experience. From a very young age earning my own income as a woman was impressed on me as being crucial but I didn't have that demonstrated at home. She was very big on being independent in every sense but behaved otherwise.

I'm not suggesting that either working or being a SAHP is more or less of feminist activity. Context is everything.

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 12:10

@Daydreamer34

Sounds very similar to me. I never had a career...just a bog standard office job that I couldn't care less about. I also have no childcare cover. If my dc were ill or there was a teacher's strike or inset day, I don't have a single person who could take them...nor do I have a single person I could ask to pick up from school or have them in the holidays.

ReturnofSaturn · 29/05/2019 12:11

I'm currently a SAHM to a one year old.

To be honest I think I would be LESS bored if I was a SAHM to school age as I could get out and about doing stuff that I purely enjoyed for me, not just having to do toddler appropriate stuff Grin

lavenderhidcote · 29/05/2019 12:13

I was unemployed (by choice, but not calling it SAHM as that term is inaccurate) for a few years whilst children started school, my self-esteem sunk very low over those years and it was very hard to sell myself to get back into work. Thankfully I did get work again and now I feel I'm a useful member of society again. I would not underestimate how hard it can be to get back into employment particularly if ageism starts to become a factor as well.

AllHopeAndNoResults · 29/05/2019 12:17

I’ve just gone from full time to part time to working from home. I thought I would love it because I’ve always been full time and wanted to do more with my son and be more ‘active’ in his schooling etc, be able to stay on top of the house and everything else. I always thought me doing full time I was missing out on the younger years of my son but now I work from home I absolutely loathe it. It’s boring, lonely and I don’t feel fulfilled or satisfied at all. I think it’s a preference thing tbh now I’m looking to go back full time. SAHM is really mind numbing for me personally.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/05/2019 12:18

Dungeon - you may choose to do things a different way. Picking apart other people’s lifestyles is fairly foolish no? And does seem to suggest a certain amount of resentment.

There is no resentment at all. People can do what they want and I actually think there is nothing wrong with putting your feet up most of the time if that's all you want to do and can afford it. I just think they should own it rather than insisting that they are so busy looking after teenagers even though they are at school etc. Do you not realise how ridiculous it sounds to people who have teenagers and jobs?

Hollowvictory · 29/05/2019 12:19

Dungeon makes good points imo.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 12:20

LOL, not so busy, but can definitely keep myself busy. And definitely not saying that working parents with teens aren't busier - obviously they are. And all respect to them.

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 12:22

I just think they should own it rather than insisting that they are so busy looking after teenagers even though they are at school etc

I think children - as they get older - certainly need more support around school. I don’t imagine there’s a glut of jobs that are school hours only.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 29/05/2019 12:24

I think it’s ok to sah if you aren’t financially dependent on another person. I’d worry no end otherwise about pensions, DH dropping dead etc.

Very few people have independent sources of income that don’t come from working. We would take a drop in lifestyle if anything happened to DH, as he earns way more than me, even though I earn very well.

No insurance would protect us if he ran off with another woman.

It’s definitely a massive risk depending financially on another person, I couldn’t do it.

anyoldvic · 29/05/2019 12:24

It is vital for any functioning adult to at least be able to support themselves, whether they choose to or not.

Nothing wrong with being a SAHP, but for our own protection everyone should have some way of earning enough to live on. You never know when you might need to.

RomanyQueen1 · 29/05/2019 12:27

es, work is for those without imagination Grin or of course if you need the money.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 12:27

I never do just sit around in the dsy though, Dungeon because firstly, that’s not my personality and secondly, things just don’t pan out that way. There is always something. Right now, I’m in an Uber and off to the fracture clinic with another DC. It’s half-term. But even when it’s not school holidays, I’m always doing something - for one of the Dzc, for DH or for me. I’ve just renovated a house - that took a year. You fill your time, however much time that is. There are still not enough hours in the day!

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2019 12:31

I think children - as they get older - certainly need more support around school

I don't believe you need to be unemployed to do that jacques if I'm honest, nor do I believe it needs to be done in the working day. Myself and my husband managed it just fine whilst both working, and we aren't some super beings. Just normal parents. In fact as over eighty percent of mothers work now, I'd say the stats show us the over whelming majority of people are fully able to support their child through school and hold down a full time job.

If course I am not referring to kids where there is additional needs, but where none are present then it's proven as wholly feasible to hold down a full time job and support your kids through school.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 12:31

There is a vulnerability to being a SAHP, pointless to say otherwise. If you aren't very secure in your relationship with your partner, it really isn't a step you should take, certainly long term.

And as you say, anyoldvic, it's important to have the skills to support yourself if need arises.

Every choice we makes, has its benefits, and its drawbacks.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 12:33

And yes, I do agree with Jacques that teens need a lot of emotional support around school. It can help to get other stuff out the way when they’re not around. Plus, I still have DC at primary level so am still tied into the 3pm school run. It doesn’t feel like endless swathes of time at all!