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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
fairweathercyclist · 29/05/2019 10:49

I would feel incredibly self-indulgent sitting at home while my husband earns all the money. But it depends what you can find to do and school hours are very short - while jobs exist that fit school hours they are few and far between so you'd probably need after-school care as a minimum.

In my view, the happy medium is to work part-time whether that's freelance or in an employed role.

I guess it depends how comfortable you are being completely reliant on a man for money and I’d be worried about my children growing up thinking this set up was normal

Also agree with this.

Daphnesmate · 29/05/2019 10:51

I won't reach this point for another few years but I probably wont return to work having been a sahm for many years. I have a hobby that I enjoy and also there is volunteer work that I want to do, I really think that I could avoid becoming bored without having to work plus after running around after 3 dcs, I kind of want some time to myself for a while. Even p/t work would make holiday cover difficult (no extended family), doable but difficult.

G5000 · 29/05/2019 10:54

OP hasn't been back I see?

I have to say that people here have super nice DPs. I mean, DH was a SAHD and that worked nicely for us. But if he now, when kids are in school, declared that he would like to not work and spend his day relaxing, doing crafts and flower arrangements, I would not be all that thrilled about it..

Aprillygirl · 29/05/2019 10:54

God yes.I don't understand people saying they'd get bored.There are so many things you could do to while away the hours. Being a lady of leisure would suit me down to the ground and being able to be home for the kids coming home from school would be great too.

BangingOn · 29/05/2019 10:56

The only thing that matters here is your circumstances. Do you have the means to support yourself if you needed to? Do you have a pension plan and are you making voluntary NI contributions? Is your DH happy to be the sole earner?

I work full time and always have, but I’m fortunate to have reached a level of seniority with the right employer which gives me huge amounts of flexibility and home working. DS is at an amazing school that’s totally geared up for working families and he adores their wrap around and holiday provision. DH and I don’t have family locally but can both be flexible when needed so he always has a parent there for him. In the meantime, I’m happy as I love my job and I have financial independence.

user1497787065 · 29/05/2019 10:56

I job share so work Monday and Tuesday of one week and Monday to Wednesday the following week. I could certainly fill all my time if I didn't work at all and we could afford for me not to do so. The problem that I would have is I always achieve less the more time I have. I achieve more in my Thursday/Friday off than in my Wednesday/Thursday/Friday off.

BethMaddison · 29/05/2019 10:57

I prefer to stay at home. We aren’t that well off and dh works full time but I feel it’s more valuable I’m at home to do school runs clean, admin, and rest as nights are hard. When youngest at school I’ll do the same it works for us

SilentSister · 29/05/2019 10:57

I would feel incredibly self-indulgent sitting at home while my husband earns all the money Yes, it's fab.

I’d be worried about my children growing up thinking this set up was normal

This is just BS. The SHAM was the usual set up, and it didn't/doesn't stop anyone feeling they can't do what they want to do. The world has moved on.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/05/2019 10:57

Hmmmm, in my experience, if they are taught that there are more ways to contribute than solely by earning, and that this kind of contribution is equally worthy of respect, that can only be a good thing. And it's not that hard to manage to teach them that - if you genuinely believe it. As does your partner.

Teenagers are heavily influenced by their peers though. You can tell them that your contribution is worthy of respect but if their peers mothers are doing what you do and earning they probably won't respect your contribution as much as you would like to think.

Shadycorner · 29/05/2019 10:58

I'd Iike to nominate this thread for Classics. It addresses this thorny issue from so many different perspectives and without (in the main) too much snippiness.

Hope you find an answer that suits your family and yourself op!

Seeline · 29/05/2019 10:58

People do realise that SAHP can and do actually leave the house?

Being a SAHP does not mean you have to spend all your time doing housework?

When mine were younger, I spent a lot of time volunteering at the school - many working parents often thanked me for going to listen to reading, help with sewing, cooking, going on the half-day walks to the local woods/church etc. They were willing to sacrifice a day's leave to help on the big trips, but just couldn't fit in the sort of things I was doing.
I also went to fitness classes, cooked more exciting food, read, met friends etc.

ChampooPapi · 29/05/2019 10:58

@mbosnz I really agree with this, everyone's circumstances are different and children definitely can throw a spanner in the works of one career as well as having to take many years off if you have a few children in succession often.

I too do think my brain will start to melt a bit in a few years (been a stay at home for the last 2 years now, i have a toddler and a 9 ear old). But i'm really enjoying it at the moment and am going for third baby so will be off for another 3 years I imagine.

When I return it will be part time because of those school pick ups though and the job itself...who knows! But I will be ready by then to get out there and focus on the non domestic.

We do have life insurance of course, and honestly found it easy through Zurich even with partners past depression so worth a try for anyone not being insured in their 30s. We are both 32

Sunshineandshowers81 · 29/05/2019 10:58

I am. I love it. My husband can just focus on working and doesn't have to do any housework or cooking etc. I'm always there for the children and feel refreshed and less stressed than if I was working. I have hobbies and that combined with keeping a nice house mean I'm never bored.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 10:59

My DH has a supernice DW who was prepared to sacrifice her career prospects to further his own because that was ultimately to the benefit of the family unit as a whole, and as such enabled the relocation of the entire family and has been the one that has kept the family ticking over nicely, in fact, with the children thriving, through the whole stressful process. Thankfully he rather appreciates that.

Along with not having to do any housework, gardening, lawnmowing, gift planning and shopping (except for me, lol), meal planning, only cooking when he wants to, that sort of thing.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 11:00

“Teenagers are heavily influenced by their peers though. You can tell them that your contribution is worthy of respect but if their peers mothers are doing what you do and earning they probably won't respect your contribution as much as you would like to think.“

Utter spiteful drivel. The only people who think like this are certain posters in MN. Don’t project your own agenda onto teens now, fgs!

BethMaddison · 29/05/2019 11:00

It would be pointless for us as well as if I worked it would all plus some of dh wages go on childcare

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 11:01

I don't get bored ..there's always lots to do but it can make you feel down, especially when I realise I haven't spoken to anyone all day!

I'd rather work but I have no idea what I'd do about childcare.

DonkeyHohtay · 29/05/2019 11:01

Up to your family, there are no rights and wrongs here.

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 11:01

especially when I realise I haven't spoken to anyone all day!

That was always the big draw for me Grin

GreenTulips · 29/05/2019 11:02

Since I went back to work DH has had to step up and look after the children on sick days and do some of the bedtimes bathtimes etc as well as take a turn cooking and cleaning etc

He has become more than ‘just’ the earner and is closer to the children because of it.

Shouldn’t be all one way!!

Look at it from DH perspective - what would happen if you died first? He’d be clueless and that would really unsettle the kids

ChampooPapi · 29/05/2019 11:02

Maybe its also easier as I really disliked my job so being of, even doing the same ish thing day in day out still has this delicious comparison to 'if i was at work right now...'

Hated that job so the rewarding nature of being at home and there for my girls is indescribable . I love it, but as I said, I know myself and a few more years down the line I know I will not only crave my own income but also my own sanity, socially and intellectually , by working again

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 11:02

Teenagers are heavily influenced by their peers though. You can tell them that your contribution is worthy of respect but if their peers mothers are doing what you do and earning they probably won't respect your contribution as much as you would like to think.

Mine thankfully seem to have a mind of their own, along with a hive mind. They also identify as feminists - who believe in choice and equity. Funnily enough, their peers seem rather envious of their home set up - getting home to a hot meal, a hot or cold drink, and someone to talk to. They certainly are appreciative of it, when they come home and share the experience, lol.

Maybe the next generation will be more genuinely respectful and appreciative of the unpaid contributions people (both men and women) make to the household - who knows.

nancyclancy123 · 29/05/2019 11:04

I was a sahm for a couple of years when my youngest started school and at first it was great. But I became really bored and it wasn’t until I got a job I realised just how low I’d been feeling.
I’m fortunate that my job is in a school (TA) so I work term time only, but I love it and have the best of both worlds.

Ultimately it’s what works well for you and your family.

ChampooPapi · 29/05/2019 11:05

Must also add my partner was a stay at home dad (though worked very part time) while I was at University the first 2 years so I think that helps with the balance and his understanding of what I do at home ect.

clutterqu33n · 29/05/2019 11:07

no way I would make myself financially dependant on another adult long term. I have seen too many relationships with this set up break and as the women, you pick the short straw. with 6 years of not working you have probably shot yourself in the foot already.
I also think (and I know this is probably not. Popular view) that it is a lazy thing to do at least unless you don't have e.g. caring responsibilities for a disabled child, cannot access childcare and such but with typical kids? no way.