Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
Notabedofroses · 29/05/2019 10:15

Mbosnz

This with bells on.

mindutopia · 29/05/2019 10:17

No, it sounds really boring and I would go mad. My youngest is 15 months though and I love my work. If you feel you need to be at home around the school run, I'd at least pursue something part-time, have your own money, build your pension, develop something your passionate about, etc.

Notabedofroses · 29/05/2019 10:20

new Most of us further down the track have realised there is a price tp pay, most experienced older mothers know this. If you feel you can have it all, then by all means continue with that narrative.

Balance is key. Both parents being available to there children is the starting point, and then move on from there.

It is not all an all or nothing situation, most families find a middle ground. Most parents will find solutions so that their parenting is not compromised.
Anyone working 40 hours a week will be tired, you might be the exception, but perhaps it is worthwhile noting that you may not be feeling the same way in ten or fifteen years time!

Billydessert · 29/05/2019 10:21

This is me at the moment after being made redundant in January and my DC being in the first year of school.
I had previously been working part time and I have to say that I absolutely don't spend anymore time doing house work! I can't tell you how busy I have been actually, I've been able to indulge in my hobbies which I'm hoping will lead to flexible self employed work. I've also been focusing on my health and fitness, reading, meeting friends, decorating, DIY, gardening, enjoying time with the DC, cooking, baking, walking and educational courses too. It's been fab and I have not once been bored or watching the clock!
I don't see being out of work as a long term thing but I want to take this opportunity to try a few different options and find a job that feeds into my hobbies and interests a bit more. I would also like a bit more spending money!
I'm not going to get a job because I live in fear of my DH leaving me. Shit happens and will happen in some capacity whatever we try to do to prevent or prepare for it. I would rather be happy and healthy and nurture my relationships rather than live with the anticipation of everything going wrong.

Pinkblanket · 29/05/2019 10:24

It's such a personal thing, everyone's circumstances are different.

I work full time, 40+ hours a week, but have a minimal commute, so can do school drop offs, I'm only out of the house at work just over 10 hours a week more than the children. I still have plenty of time to spend with them.

Do what works for you, not some randomer on the internet.

MrsBobDylan · 29/05/2019 10:24

I have worked since having kids and my eldest is 11.

I had to resign from my job because of workplace bullying and it is extremely hard to find another because one child has type 1 diabetes and the other has autism and goes to a special school. Both of these mean I need flexible working. I find many people are hostile to the concept of flexible working and I have lost out on roles to candidates who can offer full time hours despite being better qualified.

I am now a SAHM and can say that there is plenty to be getting on with. When I worked I did everything I do now just at the expense of my own sanity.

I do have a deep-rooted fear of not being financially independent but it is the hand that life has dealt me.

TheNavigator · 29/05/2019 10:26

I think you may want to consider a very part time job, just to keep your hand in the work place as the children get older. I think being a SAHM to teens can be hard - in my experience they often don't respect their mum at home and women hitting the menopause can feel sidelined and useless. A job can be a lifeline back into more fulfilling work later on in life, which is much harder if you haven't worked at all for years and also provide a self esteem boost if you have good colleagues that value you in a way unrelated to you being a wife and mother.

That it just my view though, you know yourself best and it is your life to live.

G5000 · 29/05/2019 10:26

You're saying kids need you more when they're older - I say kids also get more expensive when older! I'm certainly very glad to have a decent income to be able to provide them with all they need. With or without DH.

FlipFloppyFlop · 29/05/2019 10:27

Something PT school hours would surely be better for the whole family?

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 29/05/2019 10:28

I think I would feel bored and unfulfilled to be honest. Maybe part time would suit you? Balance between time at home and work (as long as you found a job you enjoyed)

Billydessert · 29/05/2019 10:28

Also, I think it's weird that all some people can think of to do with their time is extra house work. I hit the ground running when I got the opportunity to have time for my own interests and development.
Is there really NOTHING you guys could think of to do???

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 10:29

Does it not bother you that everything you buy is funded by someone else?

It didn’t apply here so no, it was never a consideration when making the choice to not return to work. Obviously for others it might be.

Madmarchpear · 29/05/2019 10:30

My brain started to rot after 5 years at home with kids. I loved it and think they benefitted greatly but if you've half a brain I really think it's a waste of life to have your life revolve around their school day. I'd consider part time or voluntary work if I was you. When I think back on the things I used to talk about and stress on I swear that was turning senile.

PlinkPlink · 29/05/2019 10:32

I'll be getting a part time job when DS gets his free nursery hours. He's 2 now.

When he goes to school, I'll be increasing my hours to full time hopefully. I would really struggle with him not being home if I was. I dont think I'd know what to do with myself. The house be spotless for longer than 30 minutes which would be nice.

I find that work really gives me a sense of self. I love working, I love socialising with colleagues, I love keeping my mind busy. Whilst I love being a SAHM at the moment, I'm not quite getting the same brain or body stimulation I prefer. And it's very easy to lose your identity in being a mother, I think.

I've bloody loved watching the little one grow up though. I consider myself very fortunate to be in this position.

NotVeryChattySchoolMum · 29/05/2019 10:33

Up to you, you're the one who knows your family, full risks and benefits. You could work part-time, go on a course and still enjoy picking up your kids from school and ferry them to after school activities, enforce homework - it's quite tiring, even if it's only one child. Kids getting older doesn't mean they need you less.

Volunteer to build up strong community support. Or gig economy. Whatever makes your days fulfilling. Even if just coffee mornings with fellow mums/non-mums - you're making their day too by providing company.

I do work part-time, but I love my super-flexible office job. Kids sick? No problem, I can stay and wfh. Kids havin a school play? No problem, go home and watch. My work also sponsors my training, so I have skills ready for more competitive higher-paid jobs should I ever start to depend on myself for survival. Life insurance won't cover all. I also have two different disabilities so I'm pretty serious about getting all my risks covered as there's so much discrimination and I don't think I'd cope well with managing tight budget/benefits if the worst happens.

madcatladyforever · 29/05/2019 10:34

I wouldn't trust any man to support me. But then I've been divorced twice.

BarbedBloom · 29/05/2019 10:34

I would. I am part time and don't even have children (but do have health issues). I would maybe consider doing some voluntary work though just to have a reference and some experience just in case

goodwinter · 29/05/2019 10:34

How would your DP feel about it?

CanILeavenowplease · 29/05/2019 10:34

You need to do some ‘what if the world were to end’ thinking and weigh up whether the long term possibilities are worth it. What happens if your husband runs off? Dies? Becomes unable to work due to illness or disability? How would your lifestyle be maintained or would the drop in lifestyle be in any way problematic to you?

I would consider your job prospects - if you are a professional that could do a top up course and get back to work on 6 weeks on a good salary, you probably don’t have too much to worry about. If your mortgage depends on a salary of £100k, what insurances are in place to pay it off in a worst case scenario, remembering you can’t insure against husband wanting a younger model.

As a bare minimum, you need to be making contributions to a personal pension scheme and if professional, buying industry publications to keep up to date with developments.

Shallowhals · 29/05/2019 10:36

It’s not “lazy” at all as some pps suggested. It depends on how you fill your days, by the time drop offs and pick ups are taken into consideration you might only have 4.5-5 hours to fill.

If I had that time (and I intend on having it when my DC reach school age) I would easily fill it with cleaning, cooking, exercise, reading, writing, volunteering/community work, classes, crafting.

I would have a beautifully clean house, tasty nutritious meals, a healthy body and relaxed mind and can then give my full attention to the children when they get home - can’t wait!

If it will make you happy OP and you are financially secure then go for it Smile

Schnitzelvonkrumb · 29/05/2019 10:36

My DD is in secondary school and i know at least 10 friends with same age (and older) DC who are SAHM. None of them are bored. Three are studying for qualifications and others volunteer or do a lot of sport. We are in a commuter town and so they go to galleries, shopping and resturants in London. Most have cleaners so their role is not just cleaning and looking after the house.

InDubiousBattle · 29/05/2019 10:37

I want them to see it's possible to have it all

I just don't believe it is though. Something always has to give. In my experience any way, obviously on mn people have secure, well paid jobs with great pensions which are so completely flexible that they can also do all drop offs and pick ups and never miss an assembly. I've found it to be different irl.

TickleMyFanny · 29/05/2019 10:39

Too boring and no structure

Yabbers · 29/05/2019 10:43

I’d do it and get involved with volunteering at the school or somewhere else.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 10:48

I think being a SAHM to teens can be hard - in my experience they often don't respect their mum at home

Hmmmm, in my experience, if they are taught that there are more ways to contribute than solely by earning, and that this kind of contribution is equally worthy of respect, that can only be a good thing. And it's not that hard to manage to teach them that - if you genuinely believe it. As does your partner.

And I'm pleased that my kids have learned that - because there are a lot of people that don't have the luxury of choice when it comes to being a SAHP rather than a wage earner - due to health issues of their own or their partners, or their children's health issues or special needs, or other personal circumstances (like being a trailing spouse). And those people deserve to be respected for their contributions (and often, their sacrifices).