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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
LynseyLou1982 · 30/05/2019 19:14

@mboznz thank you!! I am so fed up of people implying that myself and my partner don't love or parent our child because we work full time and he goes to nursery.

Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 19:14

Northernsoulgirl45 how is it outsourcing when it's to your dh or dw?

Besides which, as I have stated. For me it's not really about who pays for what. It's about financial independence.

IrisAnon · 30/05/2019 19:14

School age children are home for much of the academic year on holiday, so between the school and childcare facility they are mainly raising the children, not you. You can not consider a bath and a story ‘raising a child’ but I certainly don’t!

My school-age DCs can be at home during the holidays while I work but would love nothing more that being out at camps and with their friends! As long as they know they're at home for supper and breakfast and can chill out at weekends, they're happy. I know not everyone's DC are the same, but I think a lot are. Having them at camp is not 'outsourcing' parenting, it's a fun daytime activity that teaches useful skills.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 30/05/2019 19:15

@Pinkbutton85
My kids are 19,17 and 15.
Oldest is in college.
I'll always be a sahm and wouldn't trade it for anything.I've never missed a field trip,chaperoning just about anything,I've always been able to volunteer(within reason,I can say no),been able to grab a kid during lunch hour if we want or need to.
Personally
My kids still need me,it's in a different capacity.❤
To each her own:What works for your own family is all that matters!

Northernsoulgirl45 · 30/05/2019 19:15

Well when my dh gets hone from work he gets maybe 4 hours relaxation an rcen whilst I dm still ferrying kids to activities, cooking dinner etc so if I spend an hour or two during the day doing leisure stuff it is fair.

mbosnz · 30/05/2019 19:17

@mboznz thank you!! I am so fed up of people implying that myself and my partner don't love or parent our child because we work full time and he goes to nursery.

No worries! It's a hard old juggling act, and a parents place is in the wrong - we've always got someone to firmly direct us in that direction regardless of what choices we make!

Northernsoulgirl45 · 30/05/2019 19:17

I Agree Ican but I was quoting others who referred to it as that.

RomanyQueen1 · 30/05/2019 19:22

mbosnz

I totally agree, so beautifully put. Try having a boarder, we are really vilified and don't raise them at all. Irrespective of the fact they are on holiday/ at home more than they are away.
I must admit, I'd miss meeting dd for lunch or tea if i had to work. All the concerts to attend, far more than a normal school, even private schools.

Notabedofroses · 30/05/2019 19:24

You seem to have performed the impossible of being in two places at once! How convenient.
I would love to see how you are cooking, potty training, sharpening dinner manners, doing the weekly shop all the while simultaneously working. Your post is utter fabrication unless you are working fifteen hours or less a week!! mbosnz

MrsBadcrumble123 · 30/05/2019 19:24

I’d loved to have been a SAHM whilst my children were at primary school. Why don’t you see if the school needs help on the PTA or help with listening to children read. Join some fitness groups in your free time and enjoy the fact you get to do all the school runs, not worry about child care in the holidays and get to see all the book-looks, plays and events the school does in the day that most working parents generally can’t get to. Honestly it’s not something you’ll ever regret Smile

Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 19:25

Notabedofroses I am a single parent. I do all that and work 37.5 hours a week.

Who else would do it?

Notabedofroses · 30/05/2019 19:26

Thank you - yes we saved to have our children, planned well in advance, so I took the first five years off, and then worked from home during term time. I don’t need to work but have made money doing something I enjoy. clann

Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 19:27

Honestly it’s not something you’ll ever regret

You cant promise that. Wether you choose be be a sahm or wohm. You could always regret it.

mbosnz · 30/05/2019 19:27

You seem to have performed the impossible of being in two places at once! How convenient.
I would love to see how you are cooking, potty training, sharpening dinner manners, doing the weekly shop all the while simultaneously working. Your post is utter fabrication unless you are working fifteen hours or less a week!! mbosnz

Well, when my children were younger, I was doing a full time law degree - with part-time hours at university - more than fifteen though. Please don't call me a liar. Just because you can't figure out how to do it, or haven't done it, doesn't mean it can't be done.

Notabedofroses · 30/05/2019 19:28

We are talking about parents that choose to work when they don’t have to financially speaking. Not parents that have no choice but to work and provide. Read op’s post. It is about optional working. ican

Notabedofroses · 30/05/2019 19:30

So you were not working full time. Nothing even close. Thought not. I rest my case. mbosnz

JacquesHammer · 30/05/2019 19:30

We are talking about parents that choose to work when they don’t have to financially speaking. Not parents that have no choice but to work and provide. Read op’s post. It is about optional working

You know there’s no difference in the end result Confused you can’t say “oh you don’t parent if you outsource your childcare, but it’s ok if you need to work.

I mean, define “need” for a start. There are countless reasons why a woman would decide to work. All of which are valid.

mbosnz · 30/05/2019 19:31

And clearly, many single parents do the exact same thing. Including one I know who had two tamariki (children), had three professional degrees, and also (I felt so inadequate) baked her own bread. Oh, and works full time. We're all built different.

Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 19:32

We are talking about parents that choose to work when they don’t have to financially speaking. Not parents that have no choice but to work and provide. Read op’s post. It is about optional working.

What's the difference when it comes to doing everything for the kids, house and working?

You claim other posters must be lying. If i can do it, so can others. Especially if they are in a couple. Not saying they must. Just it possible.

And I did choose it. I chose to hot back fulltime after both mat leaves.

mbosnz · 30/05/2019 19:32

Well, yes, notabed, I was doing fulltime. I was doing more than full-time - just not with hours at the university. The hours I did at university, were not full time, no. Still more than your fifteen hours cut off though, lol.

mbosnz · 30/05/2019 19:35

But again - why not be respectful and supportive of parents, in their diverse situations, doing their best for their families and their children? Whether they be WOHP or SAHP? Neither of us, by virtue of our choice, denigrates or diminishes the other. One is not invalidated by the other. One does not threaten the other.

Parenting is all about creativity and sometimes compromise, finding the solution that works for us and our children.

cake778 · 30/05/2019 19:36

Absolutely noone has ever told me in real life that they can 'do it all' the way I'm reading here. Of course children with working parents eat a meal at night. I feel like my child needs me outside school hours, actually with them. If you don't, that's fine.

I remember the two hours in after school care as a child to be excruciating. It was 2 hours extra I had to hold onto my worried about being bullied or a problem I had in class. Even the nicest nanny want my Mum. I know my Mum had no choice but to work, but she's never belittled mine to stay at home. I've never told her the truth as I don't want her to feel guilty. I know what I'm doing is very valuable to myself and my child. Maybe it wouldn't be for others and that's also ok!

ssd · 30/05/2019 19:51

Something that's always appeared confusing to me is when full time working parents say they do as much as a sahm. It's physically impossible as you are at work, you aren't with your child. Yes you're still a parent but you're not doing the parenting. Just be honest. I work part time but I don't say I'm always working as I'm clearly not. I think a but if honesty is needed here. Sag mums or dad's do much much more with their kids than someone working 9-6. And someone with kids at school has 6 hours free a day, they aren't parenting then or working, so no need to pretend it's anything else but a cushy life. Cushy but boring all the same.

ssd · 30/05/2019 19:52

SAHMs not sag

SuperSara · 30/05/2019 19:53

No way would I SAH, as a choice, risking a future of financial insecurity and dependency.