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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 09:38

Again you are simplifying it! Love is very much involved but I didn't say it was the sole reason.Weare here because it's where the one who earns the most (DH) can practice his job in a specialist area. Most people, including ourselves, have little choice but to go where they can earn surely, unless they are very wealthy indeed? Once you have a child together, I assume most families operate as a team in that way?

Of course people have choices about where they go to earn. You dh choose to do that job. It's clearly not a minimum wage job that he had to take through no other choice. He chose that career.

You chose to be with him, have kids and trail. Because it was the best for you and your family. I am not knocking your choices. I am pointing out they are serious of choices.

Yes you are a team. Which may involve him making career sacrifices so you could have a career.....if that's what you wanted. If it's not, theres no issue.

But its still choices.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/05/2019 09:40

If you find the idea of a SAHM so provocative - ask yourself why that is

I don't have any issues with the idea as such. I might have a teeny issue with some SAHMs who claim I can't be a loving parent and have thrown my kids to some random wolves to raise.

Pa1oma · 30/05/2019 09:46

“I might have a teeny issue with some SAHMs who claim I can't be a loving parent and have thrown my kids to some random wolves to raise.”

Who has said that though Katharina? Nobody has said that on this thread (as far as I’m aware)? So again, why the need to get defensive? What is provoking you?

Shadycorner · 30/05/2019 09:52

Icandothisallday I have already explained in triplicate the reasons why "we" as a team have made the decisions we have (mainly financial) and I am not going to continue justifying them to you. Please just read back!

Believe me when I say there are certain places in the world you have to go to, in order to practice your particular specialist area of work. Yes, you could be a marine biologist in Derbyshire but it might not work out very well for you!

And yes that has involved choices on my part not to leave my husband because I love him. That doesn't mean that it has all been ideal or rosy from my pov. Surely you can understand the word " compromise"? Thousands of spouses do it all the time. Husbands as well as wives. Very few choices in life are black and white. Decisions are made with a long list of pros and cons in mind.

Shadycorner · 30/05/2019 09:56

[Meant to add, I genuinely - not being snippy - have to go and do something else now! Not flouncing off the thread! ]

Good debating with you Icandothisallday Smile

omione · 30/05/2019 10:01

Stay at home, why work outside of the home if you dont have too ? Bored ! not a chance, need a career to define who you are ? No, really you dont who wants to listen to other people drone on about a jo or work colleagues you dont know or care about ?

Happymum4ever · 30/05/2019 10:07

I'm a stay at home Mum with all my little ones in school and love it! I get time to keep the house spotless, look after myself (gym every day) and help with homework and kids projects.

If I worked we would only lose our tax credits, which are the same amount as I would earn working full time anyway, so I would need to be crazy to work!

I would need to pay for after school care, and pay someone to do and ride my horse and DDS pony. So it totally wouldn't be worth it for us.

Plus I socialise a lot in the day with other SAHMs as it's the only time we get to ourselves! If I couldn't do gym and socialize with the girl's my mental health would probably not be as good.

With me at home can still afford to live a great life, kids go to loads of activities, Disney most years etc.

Kids need a calm, happy Mama bear at home! What is the point if having kids then never seeing them because if working all the time?

LuYu · 30/05/2019 10:08

I think it can be very pleasant and constructive to have one parent at home, even during the school years. I don't think the absence of that is a nightmare or a crying shame or any other dramatically negative thing. I just think it can be good, if it suits that particular household, and I wish being a SAHP was more equally distributed between mothers and fathers.

But when you see threads like this, you realise it's never going to happen, partly because of the huge wave of contempt towards parents who stay at home. If it's contemptible (and somehow simultaneously trivial and frivolous yet also hugely damaging to society), we know it must be women's work.

MyOtherProfile · 30/05/2019 10:11

Did the OP ever come back? Read the first 10 pages and didn't see her.

LuYu · 30/05/2019 10:12

Kids need a calm, happy Mama bear at home! What is the point if having kids then never seeing them because if working all the time?

... and this is the kind of sloppy sentimental guilt-trip bullshit I hate! Either this is a bullshit parody post, or you're deliberately being goady.

stayathomer · 30/05/2019 10:13

I think as a country we need to be adaptable to job shares, part time work encouraged for mother’s and fathers and not equating to the end of a career.

I agree with this but I've never seen job sharing that worked seamlessly and so it is a disadvantage for the company. I've been in jobs where there's a lot of ' Oh I'm not sure if x did that,' Or 'I won't get to that,' then the other person says 'oh the other person started it so I'll leave it to them.' I'd say this happens a lot and if I were an employer I'd rather 1 full time person.

OP if it won't bother you being a sahm then definitely do. I became a sahm 5 years ago and I remember my sister telling me within a few years I might find it hard and I did. There's nothing like the socialising you get during the day in a workplace, or the sense of self worth you feel, and I never got over the 'it's his money' thing, no matter how much it was called 'our money.' I don't mean to but always end up trying to talk people out of becoming a sahm. That being said if people are one already and are happy with it and it isn't affecting their mh, definitely go for it!

piekebab · 30/05/2019 10:19

Nice bit of goady bollocks there Happymum - gym, horses, Disney, and all funded by tax credits. Mama bear bullshit.Hmm

mbosnz · 30/05/2019 10:23

If there's a certain 'type' of woman that becomes a sahm, I have to say there's a certain 'type' of feminist that just oozes dislike and disdain for any woman who they feel is letting down the sisterhood by not conforming to what they feel all good little feminists should do and be.

They can give any good misogynist a run for their money in their contempt for other women any old day of the week. Smile

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 30/05/2019 10:23

Stay at home, why work outside of the home if you dont have too ?

-A sense of achievement
-Intellectual stimulation
-Financial independence

  • Security (paying into pension etc)
-Adult conversation and social interaction (some of my best friends are people I've met through work)
  • Setting an example to my DD
  • I enjoy my job, it's rewarding and allows me to make a difference

There are so many reasons to work. Some jobs give you the opportunity to travel and have new experiences, some jobs are socially useful and allow you to help people, some jobs allow you to be creative. Of course there are also reasons why people don't want to work and that's their choice. I'm sure there are plenty of SAHM who feel fulfilled by what they're doing and wouldn't change it, but for me personally the reasons to work outweigh the reasons not to.

username1724 · 30/05/2019 10:23

My mum stayed at home since I was 2, she had 4 of us. From a childs perspective it was lovely. She was always there. She did school runs all the way through secondary school (no buses where we lived) and did housework/shopping/admin while we were at school. She had friends and she gave us all the time we needed. I'm very grateful she did that for us.. if you can then why not? You dont stop being a parent when they go to school. Equally though I know some ladies at work who dont need to work, but do so for a holiday fund or just extra. Its whatever works for you but dont feel bad about it

formerbabe · 30/05/2019 10:24

If I worked we would only lose our tax credits, which are the same amount as I would earn working full time anyway, so I would need to be crazy to work!

I would need to pay for after school care, and pay someone to do and ride my horse and DDS pony

Is this a joke? You are on such a low household income, you qualify for tax credits yet can afford a horse and a pony? Confused

Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 10:25

And yes that has involved choices on my part not to leave my husband because I love him. That doesn't mean that it has all been ideal or rosy from my pov. Surely you can understand the word " compromise"? Thousands of spouses do it all the time. Husbands as well as wives. Very few choices in life are black and white. Decisions are made with a long list of pros and cons in mind

I havent said it's all rosy. I have said said that they are choices. Not judging the choices, judging you at all. I am disagreeing with you, when you say it's not a choice.

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/05/2019 10:27

If I worked we would only lose our tax credits, which are the same amount as I would earn working full time anyway, so I would need to be crazy to work!

I guess welfare reforms haven't been quite as austere as MN would like us to believe.

yoursworried · 30/05/2019 10:27

What the fuck's a mama bear?! Are you just talking about a human mother?

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/05/2019 10:28

What the fuck's a mama bear?! Are you just talking about a human mother?

I think she is. Confused

Figgygal · 30/05/2019 10:30

**If I worked we would only lose our tax credits, which are the same amount as I would earn working full time anyway, so I would need to be crazy to work!

Ffs i'll continue to work then and pay my taxes so that you can sit at home on your arse Or swan off to Disneyland. No wonder people complain about the benefit system when it's taken advantage of to this extent you can clearly work and yet choose not to I also suspect that you don't need any of those tax credit if they can pay for houses horses holidays

Well done on being the most goady fucker of the day

piekebab · 30/05/2019 10:35

Happy Mum's post is wind up nonsense

KatharinaRosalie · 30/05/2019 10:35

Nobody has said that on this thread (as far as I’m aware)?

Are we not reading the same thread? Where people claim that they need to be SAHMs to offer warm meals and loving homes - clearly implying you can't do the same when working. They can take care of their own children, not, and I quote, 'outsourcing it to some randomers'.

Of course the classic 'What is the point if having kids then never seeing them because if working all the time?' was also trotted out - wonder if that particular poster also asks her DH the same?

IvanaPee · 30/05/2019 10:36

OP started a thread pitting posters against each other then fucked off.

Keep your eyes and ears peeled for whatever “journalist” or “show researcher” picks this up.

IvanaPee · 30/05/2019 10:37

My curiosity is piqued, however.

All of the SAHMs who are making small amounts of cash, or setting up businesses, or working “very part-time hours”, can I ask what it is you’re doing?!