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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
milkshak3 · 29/05/2019 20:13

the point is that suggesting people who do well for themselves is down to luck is total patronising nonsense.

you suggest that people who have it tough have no one to blame but themselves (or how they respond). that is patronising.

you would make an excellent Tory government minister. blame the poor!

Mabellavender · 29/05/2019 20:16

Also yes to independance. In my first marriage I didn’t have any of my own money ( we had a joint account but seeing as I didn’t work it never felt like mine really and I’d have to explain why I felt like spending money on certain things) this time I’m completely independent ( ironically thanks to the first husband Grin ). It makes such a difference. If I fancy spending 500 pound on hair extensions than no ones telling me I’m not allowed Smile

canyoubeserious · 29/05/2019 20:17

I haven't seen anyone suggesting that everything in life is down to luck.

It's a mixture of luck and choices for sure.

Surely you can think of many examples of bad luck that are more than 'bumps in the road' particularly for people who have no support from family and no financial safety net.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2019 20:17

We aren't responsible for other peoples actions but we are responsible for out own

We are and I agree that ensuring a good choice of partner is paramount.

Likewise I agree it's not about luck whatsoever but mainly choices. Our paths aren't predetermined by our past and most people do hit bumps and overcome them.

RussianSpamBot · 29/05/2019 20:19

It's a mixture of luck and behaviour. People who try to deny either of these just sound foolish.

AlaskanOilBaron · 29/05/2019 20:21

Is this 'luck' in choosing a partner who considers it his obligation to discharge half the households duties, or doing well in life?

worriedaboutmygirl · 29/05/2019 20:28

I feel really lucky that when we were hit with serious medical conditions that prohibited my working for some time that we weren't dependent on my income (already a SAHM). If we had been financially committed to two incomes things would have been more difficult.

Beaverdam · 29/05/2019 20:39

No way. I would be bored stiff and rather be in work part time. Either that or I would definatley do some sort of degree while not working. If it makes you happy though then go for it. Who cares what others think.

moonrises · 29/05/2019 20:39

Sometimes it is less of a bump and more of a gigantic mountain. This idea that everyone can just overcome everything in life is ridiculous. In my job I am reminded on a very regular basis how fragile life is and how many things are thrown at you when you least expect it.

Yes it is wrong to be told that it is all down to luck, but it is highly offensive to also suggest that everything is down to the choices you make.

MarshaBradyo · 29/05/2019 20:44

At the risk of using lyrics from a song (that people might not like) I like these words when it comes to choices / luck

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't
maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't
maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…
what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 20:49

When choosing a partner, luck does come into it partially.

If you're more attractive, you'll generally have more choice in men.

If you had a middle class upbringing and a good education, men of a similar background will be more attracted to you.

Sharon from a council estate, brought up in care with no gcses isn't going to be dating a banker is she?

BendydickCuminsnatch · 29/05/2019 20:51

Very timely thread for me as my eldest is starting school in sept and we’re debating whether to have baby number 3 or not. I turn 30 this year too and another couple of things meaning I’m at a giant crossroads 😄

One thing I am sure of is that I would definitely never be bored!!! Surely most people would love to not work? Once you’ve done all the housework, kids prep, food prep, exercise, volunteering, socialising, hobbies, and if i’m still somehow miraculously at a loose end... i’ll be off to the cinema 😄 I don’t want to face the stress of working AND doing most of the above and dealing with kids’ endless illnesses and holidays. Argh! I realise that is life though and I will no doubt do something to bring in some money and put on my CV.

G5000 · 29/05/2019 20:59

Surely most people would love to not work? Once you’ve done all the housework, kids prep, food prep, exercise, volunteering

Personally I'd rather work than do food prep, housework and volunteering, my work is more interesting.

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 21:04

Personally I'd rather work than do food prep, housework and volunteering, my work is more interesting

Lucky you. Many women have boring, mundane, repetitive jobs and staying at home mopping the bathroom floor is preferable.

MarshaBradyo · 29/05/2019 21:05

That’s the same for me if sahm means endless housework (and volunteering, I know it’s optional but it comes up a lot in these threads) I’d rather be at work

RomanyQueen1 · 29/05/2019 21:13

I'd rather work at a hobby than do housework, and food prep. I only do a bit though as dh does more than me, and I'm a sahm, no dc at home during term time, neither Grin Do I win .

MarshaBradyo · 29/05/2019 21:15

Ha
Would you rather game my dc play

MerryDeath · 29/05/2019 21:30

i thought i'd love mat leave but i didn't.. it was boring. also i don't want to be my husband's maid. i'll be going back to work hopefully part time and on my terms.

notso · 29/05/2019 21:32

Personally I'd rather work than do food prep, housework...my work is more interesting

Surely even those with even the most interesting jobs need to eat occasionally, load the dishwasher or put the odd wash on.

lauryloo · 29/05/2019 21:36

I find being a sahp really really hard

My littlest is disabled though and with her extra care needs work just isn't on the agenda right now

I'm bored and a bit (very) lonely

LolaSmiles · 29/05/2019 21:41

you suggest that people who have it tough have no one to blame but themselves (or how they respond). that is patronising
you would make an excellent Tory government minister. blame the poor!
It's nothing about blaming the poor. Bit of a leap there. It's about thinking that the people who spend the most amount of time acting like everyone who has done well has had some sort of magic luck hangout are kidding themselves.

Statistically most of the people I went to primary school with didn't get a good set of GCSEs. Is it luck that I did? Or that I chose to work hard despite CAMHS referrals and bullying? When me and DP hit an issue, the fact I'd changed careers and had better pay meant we could stay in our house because in my previous job we wouldn't have afforded the rent on my old salary alone. The event in question wasn't our creation, but the ways forward were for us to work on. If I'd made a different choice instead of retraining, the situation and options would have been very different, most likely not as good but then we would have had to move and make different decisions. That's life. It would have done us no good to decide that we're just unlucky and poor us.

People get things thrown at them all the time. Some people are very good at deciding there's a black cloud over them and the world is out to get them and everyone else has it magically easier. Most of the time we're all doing the best with the options in front of us at the time and making what we consider to be the best choice with the information at hand.

BaconAndAvocado · 29/05/2019 21:42

Have done both.

DCs are now 10 and 12 (big one away at Uni) and part time is fantastic!

Unfortunately, my contract finishes in January so I will probably be at home again......

Sunshine196 · 29/05/2019 21:42

ohhhh I would definitely be a sahm if I could afford it. I would love to catch up on all the things I never get done (clean skirting boards/dust/life admin/get fit) and enjoy some quiet time. Don’t rush your decision just enjoy it for now & see how you get on. You might be bored in 6 months or so. Also, school hols come round so quickly so take your time to consider all options if you can. Kids are only little once but it’s important to do something for you too if you need it. Enjoy x

Ragwort · 29/05/2019 21:46

I was never ‘bored’ as a SAHM for 12 years (one child) I had loads of time for hobbies, volunteering etc etc. Yes I was ‘lucky’ in that I could fund a nice lifestyle, I never get why people say they can only be fulfilled by ‘working’, not all paid jobs are stimulating and interesting Hmm.

I wasn’t anyone's Maid, I didn’t spend my time cleaning & cooking, apart from the absolute minimum.

WillowSummerSloth · 29/05/2019 21:56

I wouldn't do it. For loads of reasons mentioned above but also because I wouldn't want my life's work to be cleaning the work surfaces, putting washing away etc. I think children have more respect for a working parent and I like contributing to society. Not saying SAHM don't contribute in some ways but it's pretty small to just look after your own kids, not pay tax etc.

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