To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

And here it is again

I am not lucky dp does half the housework. Its half his house, his mess, his belongings etc.

OP, it really depends on what you want as well.
My dh is often at home all day, and I'm a sahm of 30 years. We love one another's company, always have, so spending lots of time together is for us. I have hobbies, interests and the family has benefitted from having a sahp. At each stage of our life apart from pre dc it's been the right choice not to work for an employer. My dh has a career that you don't retire from and it's what he loves to do with his time so he has never minded at all that I haven't contributed financially. In fact in a way a sahp does contribute financially by saving money.

We have never been rich but we get by and have few expectations ito earning money.

I love how on MN, if your DH isn't doing 50% of childrearing you need to get rid not matter what the circumstances. And yet the only burden within a relationship is the financial one (the SAHP shouldering all the child and house related tasks is being unfair to the partner who brings in the wages.)

Surely marriage is about compromise and doing what is best for the family unit.

Anyway, back to the OP. If it works for your family unit great. Some people and family set ups are suited to having a SAHP, some aren't.

"You could be in a situation where you have no family around and your DH is a permanently on-the-edge, extremely hyper, workaholic type (and you can’t really do much to change men like that, unless you want them to have a total breakdown). There are pros and cons to this. The pros are the lack of money worries. The cons are that you can’t plan around him or expect much input. Combined with the fact any money you make wouldn’t even be noticeable, you might do what you think is best to give your kids a more balanced life - ie SAH. I know so many women in this scenario. They’re not low IQ. They’re not lazy. They’re just making decisions in a particular context which, unless you’ve been in that situation, may be hard to understand for some"

Agree. This was me.

I did have all the savings in my name though. DH had his job, I had the house and savings. If the shit should ever hit the fan, I'd have the means to live on my own

To me that was crucial to becoming a sahm. To have financial independence of sorts

Kids are 15/17 and I have (miraculously) found a job. It's nice to be working again, but not easy to find after 10+'years at home!

Only you can really know whether a) you need to be at home for your family in your circumstances and b) whether you have the social group /hobbies/passions to allow you to live a fulfilling life without work.
I reckon I could easily fill my time if I gave up work. There's loads of things I want to do and achieve. I dont understand the 'how would you fill your time' arguments.

That said, I am very reluctant to lose my pension contributions and long term security so wouldn't be giving up work unless DH was willing to pay into a pension pot for me as well. Even with the legal protection of marriage, it's important to make an informed decision and take personal responsibility.

I think where issues arise is when some women don't set themselves up with the potential to be financially independent, give up work and associated NI/ pension contributions, aren't married and then find themselves very financially vulnerable.

For example, I find this attitude hard to comprehend:
I think there's a lot of lucky mumsnetters who have great jobs that they love and are in a loving, supportive relationship with a man (or woman) who shares 50/50 of all the wifework and households tasks
It's not luck that got me a career I enjoy and a husband who does his share.
Planning, working hard, giving up a job to retrain, DP (Now Dh) supporting me to retrain and holding the fort, choosing a man that believes in equality, choosing a man who believes as an adult he is responsible for the house as much as me, choosing to financially plan for our future, discussing hypothetical shared parental leave before getting married etc has put us in that situation.
I can't stand the idea that some women claim it's luck. It's not. It's hard work and choosing someone who views me as his equal.

I did have all the savings in my name though. DH had his job, I had the house and savings. If the shit should ever hit the fan, I'd have the means to live on my own

If you are married it doesn't make any difference if the house and savings are in your name. On divorce they would probably be divided and you may well only get half.

I'd call that damn lucky, you should be ashamed.
Some people have bad luck throughout their lives and it's nothing to do with planning and working hard.

LOL RomanyQueen1, I always say that I used up all my good luck finding and marrying DH.

No it’s not luck, but do you really think the pinnacle of equality is finding a man who does 50/50 housework? Can you not think of any other relationship dynamics in which people may have different roles (as they feel they naturally gravitate to) and still feel equal? Many couples just outsource housework anyway - they just don’t focus on this as significant. Whatever you do, it’s about mutual respect and understanding ultimately.

I don’t get the house and saving thing, if you’re married then it’s joint isn’t it? No matter whose name. Same if the other way round.

Exactly, what dh has is mine, and what I have is my own.

I'd call that damn lucky, you should be ashamed.
Some people have bad luck throughout their lives and it's nothing to do with planning and working hard.
Our lives are full of choices.
People can choose whether they work hard in school and get good GCSEs or not.
People can choose their post 16 pathway.
People can choose whether they go into employment or to university.
People can choose which sector they want to work in.
People can choose whether to persevere and get over work challenges or they can choose to job hop when they don't like things.
People can choose to pursue a career or not depending on what suits them.
People can choose whether they work their way up in a company and make the most of the training opportunities.
People can choose to upskill themselves or not.
People choose their partners.
People choose when they have children and who they have them with.
People choose who they settle down with.
People choose to get married or not.

Of course, sometimes life throws things at people and there are bumps in the road, some might take longer to overcome than others, but I can't stand it when people act like people being successful is somehow luck of the draw. It's not and minimising the graft that goes into doing well.

Yes, and they can be unlucky in their choices too.
I have a fantastic husband and fit and healthy children, I don't need to work, life has been a dream with no regrets.
I've been extremely lucky, I know plenty who haven't.

Our lives are full of choices

they aren't. There are illnesses, disability (I e.g. have a severely disabled child - I have to leave work as there is no childcare available in any shape or form and I am mentally and physically on my knees after caring for well over a decade without break). You must have a lived a very sheltered life without life chancing events of it is so some as 'choice'

RomanyQueen1
Perhaps. But it's how we respond to those challenges.

I can think of plenty of bumps in my own road. The question is how we respond to them.

I find people who dwell on how lucky everyone else is and how unlucky they are are prone to viewing themselves as passive victims of circumstance as if everyone else has it better. It's more comforting to write off their situations as just one unlucky thing after another and they're a passive participant who is helpless to do anything than it is to accept they have had choices along the way. Life doesn't always turn out how we want it, but we arent passive victims of circumstance.

I can't stand the idea that some women claim it's luck. It's not

It's a mixture.

Lots of people with lovely, nice, normal, middle class, conventional upbringings don't realise that they've started on a higher rung on the ladder of life already.

That alone has given them the tools to make better decisions in life.

Ha Romany yes quite ;

Lola

I can think of plenty of bumps in my own road. The question is how we respond to them.

maybe you can give me an idea how to 'respond' to the bump in the road that is now a 12 year old severely disabled child for whom I have to care until the day I drop without much support from the state. We cannot access any childcare anymore and don't have family. How could I get my career (sciences, post grad degree) back on track when I am only available 10-2 and need about 20 weeks a year off (appointments, therapy, school hols, illness) .
Thank you.

Only you can really know whether a) you need to be at home for your family in your circumstances and b) whether you have the social group /hobbies/passions to allow you to live a fulfilling life without work.

The word OR has been missed out in this. For some people a) is the reason they have to be at home, it is immaterial what else fulfils their lives (or doesn't as the case may be)

Life is a mixture of luck, choices and situations outside of our control, it is as wrong to say that life is all about the choices you make as it is to say it is all about luck. Life is not that simple.

formerbabe
Some people absolutely have a head start. One thing my family used to say to me was that privilege isn't always about the foot up the ladder (though some have it), it's the safety net to know you'll never really fail.
It's very true.

Working from a background where most of the people I went to primary school with wouldn't get good GCSEs, first in family to get a degree, parents who were keen for us to do more etc there's no two ways about it that the people with the comfy allowances and didn't need to work had the safety net.

But we aren't passive victims and to write off people doing well as being luck of the draw is ridiculous.

and our of interest, what kind of bumps in the road did you have? must have been some small gravel, not more!

Bit ridiculous to focus on the 'choosing the men' bit. Many women on here have had the rug pulled out from under them and like fuck was it their fault for choosing 'wrong'.

Maybe just maybe.. Its not luck OR choice. It's both. Bill Gates didn't just become a billionaire through choice. Circumstance played a huge role.

I'm not divulging personal issues. It's not what I use MN for. There's been far too many issues on here for me to do that.

The point is that suggesting people who do well for themselves is down to luck is total patronising nonsense.

I've watched friends in horrible situations do what they can to get through situations. I'm not saying circumstances don't affect people. I just question the idea that people are passive and life is all set out for them and there's nothing they can do.

dontdoubtyourself
People do choose their partners. They choose what level of protection they have in the event that their partner turns out to be a dickhead (It's why legal protections exist). They choose whether to make themselves financially dependent with no legal protection.

We aren't responsible for other peoples actions but we are responsible for out own.

I’m a sahm and I didn’t have any children under school age for two years and I loved it. I have another baby now though and another on the way!

I think it depends what you do as a job and also what you can do as a sahm.

It’d be pretty boring if money is tight and you have no mates lol. I used to spend my days going for lunch, going shopping, getting my nails/hair done, and also completely renovated my house in two years! Loved it!