To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

Nope. I'd die of boredom.

I've been a sahm since my eldest DS was born - he's 20 now. Have a young baby at home now and I have to admit a motivating factor for having another dc was so I could continue being a sahm throughout the school years until DH takes early retirement! I don't get bored or lonely but then I have plenty of hobbies, and I enjoy my own company. DH pays into my pension and ISAs from his salary (it's tax efficient for us as a couple as he can only contribute a small amount into his pension) so I do have a decent pension and savings in my name. NI contributions are covered by child benefit (which will bring me up to the 35 years minimum) Over the years I've done bits of studying, voluntary work, intensive sports training, creative hobbies, music lessons - the baby currently takes up all my time but I'm looking forward to having time for all that again once she starts pre-school and then primary school.

I did find that people could seem critical or sometimes just nosy about our finances when they found out I was a sahm of an older child (we live in London, where it's rarer as lots of families depend on two wages). So I started a small creative side business, partly for tax reasons, and partly so I have a bit more of an identity for the kind of people who want to know what I do for a living.

“Not saying SAHM don't contribute in some ways but it's pretty small to just look after your own kids, not pay tax etc

My god, some people are beyond odious.

Welly - that would be my idea of hell !

But we all make our own choices
Neither is wrong

I value my independence

A school mum acquaintance feels sorry for me because I have a part time admin job, she feels blessed she doesn't have to work because 1) she has a "disability " so gets benefit for this, she not ill she admitted this to me, but wants the benefits and

2. her hubby works so she lives off his money too.

When I see her on the school run, she assumes I'm unhappy at work even tho
I tell her I'm fine & glad to have my job but she doesn't believe me and thinks her life of Netflix binge watching and socialising with school mums and other friends is the best life ever.

If I'm honest - yes I would love to be a SAHM - I'm a single mum and what really grinds is the SAHM who claims she is a more caring parent putting her children's care at heart as no-one could possibly care for her child/children like her. Also SAHM parents who list attending parents evening, put their child's education first so they can attend every parent event etc - I've attended all using flexi time or annual leave.

Formerbabe especially has given lots of excuses as to why she's a SAHM who couldn't possibly work. I hope this thread has proved that yeah it may not be easy but of course you can work with children.

Being a single parent I do the working and the parenting - who'd figure?

I've certainly noticed that the divorced women I know who were SAHM seem very keen to repartner/remarry much faster than the ones who worked and didn't have financial reliance on their spouse.

With the exception of expat trailing spouses were visa/regulatory issues prevent women from working, I've not been surprised by any of the women I've known since school/university who became SAHMs, they all were a certain type of personality to be honest. Clearly keen on being taken care of rather than working for themselves - despite being clever and having talents. But I think it's not considered acceptable to actually admit that so people come up with convoluted reasons why they've ended up at home.

The reality is that it's more than possible to work with school aged children, if you don't it's because you don't want to, not that you can't manage it.

I did it for two years. I volunteered extensively and worked very part-time hours . With school hours here plus longish walk to and from school it only ended up being about 5 1/2 hours at home. However in the end I became very bored and have recently completed retraining for a new career which I hope to be working in September.

The reality is that it's more than possible to work with school aged children, if you don't it's because you don't want to, not that you can't manage it.

This

I have no issue with people doing as they choose, but it's the justifying that they simply wouldnt have time that doesnt sit right with me. Especially since it seems to be a hint, that a working parent cant possibly do it, so the kids must be suffering.

I mean how do people think single parents do it all.

Absolutely do as you choose. But dont pretendbits not a choice.

It's not always a choice. Try being an expat trailing spouse in a country where you need three languages to work at the supermarket cash till, where you have 19 weeks school holidays a year, where there are unfavourable tax implications if you earn, and when your dh travels almost constantly, usually with very little advance notice.

How many times does it need saying? People's circumstances are not all the same.

And the expat issue aside, I think it is appalling on a website that is meant to be supportive to women that some get judged by others as shirkers or being "a certain type" because they don't work. It's simply not true. I know so many sahms who are dynamic, hard- working and resourceful women. It's ridiculous to generalise!

Yes its heaven.

Shadycorner I have excluded expats.

I am speaking of the women that I know who are SAHMs with school aged children, they don't have health or special needs issues. Their husbands don't work away every week. And neither are their DH exceptionally wealthy or successful. They have education and skills. But these women just don't want to work.

The majority of women I know who became SAHMs out of circumstance - multiple pregnancies back to back, health problems, DH work, etc. - all went to back work and/or retrained. The ones who haven't gone back never wanted to work and they have no plans to do it again unless forced to.

Why on earth does it matter to you if someone doesn't go back to work? No one else gets to decide if their reasons are enough justification.

Shadycorner
I agree with you. People should make the correct informed decision about SAHP/WOHP for their family and situation with no judgement either way.

They should just make sure their decision is fully informed and ensure they have relevant protections either way (e.g. names on deeds, paying into a pension, marriage or other legal document offering financial protection etc). Too often some women find themselves out of work and vulnerable financially relying on a DP with no protection and then claim they should have legal claims to things they didn't sort out. It's really important people consider that before becoming dependent on someone. We'd all like to think our partners wouldn t be dickheads, but we've probably all experienced or witnessed relationship breakdowns where the phrase 'but they're not like that' is used.

Shady, I’m assuming you and your DH both agreed to live in this specific country though — he didn’t put you in a sack and take you there? And it didn’t occur to you to object on the grounds that your lack of languages would make it impossible to work?

Not to mention being a ‘trailing spouse’ is in itself a choice.

I had my first DC at 35 and had a good career, including my own business before.

Stopped working until youngest went to school.

Found a PT job WFH 15 hours per week. Loved it and relished using skills again. Hate housework so first thing I did was get a cleaner

Now they're at secondary I work 25 hours pw from home (different company, better job), less hours during school hols.

The job is "lesser" than what I did pre DC but it's still challenging, interesting and enjoyable. The pay is decent. I feel absolutely no desire whatsoever any more to prove myself or climb the greasy pole.

I have my own bank account so there's no justifying my spending to DH, which was a bit of a bugbear early on.

Do what works for you.

I wouldn't. I think it's good to build up your own pension regardless of whether you 'need' the money now, and I also think it's good for all people who are able to work to do so in order to pay taxes and contribute to the country as a whole.

Trailing spouse is a whole other issue and not comparable to choosing to be a stay at home parent of school age children. I've been a trailing spouse and I worked eventually but it took a long time to sort visas and find a job. You are also settling a family into a new country and building a life for everyone.

I was a SAHM for 10 years, so 5ish years once children in school. I probably fall into the expat / trailing spouse category (without the expat salary unf! DH has a normal job which just happens to be in France). I didn’t speak great french, not enough to work anyway. And even once the children were in school, there was still an awful lot of running a round to do. TBH, for us, the lack of stress was priceless: sick kids, school strike, DH has to go abroad at short notice? Not a problem.

What made it work for us: we have very similar values when it comes to parenting, and me being SAHM fitted. Extended breastfeeding, no bottles, no nounous (nannies), no childcare. DH has very fond memories of coming home from school for lunch and his mum always being there. He was very keen to have that for our boys.

Career wise... it’s been tricky for me. I have a PhD, and while I’ve never been particularly ambitious, I am feeling frustrated that I’ve cut myself off from a career in «my» field. But being a SAHM is only part of that, mostly it’s down to being in a country where I’m not a native speaker - which is a lifestyle choice I guess. I’m working part time now in a fairly mundane admin job, but I love the interaction and earning some money again. I’m still around for the children, the job is super flexible and school hours only.

I've only just become a SAHM (not gone back after my first mat leave) but I think I'll quite enjoy it and will carry on when child(ren) are at school. DH and I are on the same page and both happy with the decision.

DH has a very demanding career and works long hours and he's very happy that I'm willing to hold the fort at home. We feel it'll be much nicer for me to do the wrap around and holiday care rather than outsourcing it to some randomers. He also loves his shirts magically re-appearing clean in the wardrobe and a dinner ready when he gets in. I feel very fortunate to be in the position to look after my family and also have time to spare. I've identified some courses I'd like to do, I enjoy tennis and keeping fit. So it's a win-win situation all around.

And yes, I'm financially savvy so pensions, insurance, investments etc are all sorted.

Outsourcing it to some randomers is not how working parents go about finding high-quality childcare, JoJo. What an ignorant comment. And so revealing.

And while I’ll bet your DH adores the magical ironing fairy doing his shirts, is this really a reason not work, because your husband is too lazy to get out the iron?

My friend who is the same age as me have been a SAHM since having her 1st child, who now is 31 and her youngest (of 3) is 16, I wonder what she does all day. But they are all very happy and have a lovely life.
I had to go out to work when my husband left me - I had been a childminder so was always at home . I went out to work when my children needed me at home the most. I could weep about it now looking back. It's lovely that your children come home to you after school. Your not tired from work, your housework is done and you have time.
I changed my hours to be at home on a Wednesday and weekends I done 4 long days
If I had my time again I would stay at home

I agree with clann Jojo (and I SAH). The issue of who to leave your kids with when you have to work or have made the decision to work is a huge, usually guilt-ridden thing; you don’t chuck your children out the door to the first passing adult.