To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

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I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

You could be in a situation where you have no family around and your DH is a permanently on-the-edge, extremely hyper, workaholic type (and you can’t really do much to change men like that, unless you want them to have a total breakdown). There are pros and cons to this. The pros are the lack of money worries. The cons are that you can’t plan around him or expect much input. Combined with the fact any money you make wouldn’t even be noticeable, you might do what you think is best to give your kids a more balanced life - ie SAH. I know so many women in this scenario. They’re not low IQ. They’re not lazy. They’re just making decisions in a particular context which, unless you’ve been in that situation, may be hard to understand for some.

You're not wrong there. . .

I don't see how that above post is so hard to understand

We're all different, at the end of the day we suit ourselves and our own families.

Not everyone has or wants a conventional lifestyle, this is why generalising on these type of threads is stupid.
Just because someone chooses to live a particular way, doesn't make them right, even if a lot of other people live the same.
Do what you like and own your choices, it has no bearing on what others choose.

If your husband said “ok you’ve been home for 5 years now, I would like to swap and take over your responsibilities and you can go out and earn the money and further your career”...how many SAHMs would take them up on it?

Not the exact conversation but yes that is what has happened in our house. The reasons are relevant to no one but us. We have 3 school aged children.

Impossible to answer out of context. Everybody’s circumstances are different. For example, some people have partners with flexible jobs to allow for some school runs while others don’t. Some people have family to rely on with childcare while others only have themselves. Some people have children with special or high needs and others have quite low maintenance children. The list goes on. . . But the point is that everyone’s circumstances as parents are different so it’s impossible to say whether you should be getting a job or staying at home.

I'd not want a spouse who wouldn't work or contribute financially yet expected me to to pay for that choice and keep them. I'd not see that a being part of a team whatsoever but as opting out of responsibilities.

Fortunately my DH was able to see beyond the “financial” and know that my contribution to our family was measured in more than pounds and pence. When we were first married and I was the sole earner I felt the same. That’s what being a team actually means in our world.

Only you can really know whether a) you need to be at home for your family in your circumstances and b) whether you have the social group /hobbies/passions to allow you to live a fulfilling life without work.

I'd not want a spouse who wouldn't work or contribute financially yet expected me to to pay for that choice and keep them. I'd not see that a being part of a team whatsoever but as opting out of responsibilities.

This shows that all families are different and there isn't one right way of doing things. My spouse has very reluctantly accepted that I should go back to work as it is best for me. He firmly believes that by being at home I make the most valuable contribution to the family. It is certainly true that I will only ever earn a tiny fraction of what he does. He would be delighted if I could be happy enough with being at home and not going back to work.

Pa1oma is describing my situation pretty accurately.

I'm likely to be vilified as I don't work and toddler DS goes to nursery.

DH is exec level in Finance so earns 10x times what I did before I went on maternity leave. He can travel at short notice and no family live nearby. I have an autoimmune disease and CFS so working would be very hard for me and put an extra burden on all of us.

DS has medical issues too so I spend a lot of time at appointments, or paperwork relating to our conditions. I also try to get chores done to see free up our weekends to do nice things together. This is assuming I'm not in a bad phase where I'm bedbound or in hospital again.

If we were to divorce, we'd be splitting sizeable assets, and I gave up my job to follow DH's career to a place I can't work. I also have assets in my own name, inheritance and property investments.

I don't see why anyone cares if I work or not? I think it's brilliant if people want to work rather than be at home, and it should be about what suits the individual family.

Barring circumstances like poor health I would not want to be financially dependent on my partner.

I know some SAHMs with high earning partners who work long hours and / or travel a lot. The ones who are married, under current but perhaps not future divorce laws, would probably be financially OK in the event of a break up. If they have pension provision. I think the ones who are not married have made some v risky choices.

I think there's a lot of lucky mumsnetters who have great jobs that they love and are in a loving, supportive relationship with a man (or woman) who shares 50/50 of all the wifework and households tasks.

I was made redundant after my second and DP took a job overseas so it didn't work for me to go back. Consequently I ended up picking up everything with DP doing less and less. He still hardly does anything except mow the lawn and random bits of DIY. I do regret giving up my career, it was well paid but stressful with lots of travel so not sustainable especially with someone who didn't and doesn't pull their weight. Now my children are in their teens I'm not prepared to go back to work full-time in some low paid job, I also feel I'm too old to retrain in something I would love to do. Why? because I know this would mean full-time plus full-time at home. I'm not putting up with that.

I have never, in all the time I have had off, been bored nor do I consider myself boring. I really struggle to see what is so fab about going to work everyday unless your job is fabulous!

@KneelJustKneel I'm retraining into speech and language therapy

I don't know anyone who didn't have free childcare in some capacity. Except us!

And us. and most parents in my kids school (outer london - most people don’t come from here, grandparents are hours away and elderly)

Right, I am going to stick my head above the parapet.

I am a SAHM with teenagers in secondary school. I returned to work after Ds1 was born, note the word work, it was certainly not a career. Some of us don't have actual careers, we just had jobs. Shitty paid jobs.

I left my job because Dh, who earns 4 times what I can got a job hundreds of miles away. We discussed it before he went for it.

Since then I haven't worked. I supported him whilst he got his career off the ground, we had another baby. I was the default childcare obviously and this allowed him to build up years of experience without having to leave early to collect children from childcare which he had to do before when I worked. We shared it.

I make his life easy by being at home, I do all housework, admin, cooking, shopping etc, he makes it home for family dinner every night. He looks after me, cares for me and appreciates me. We have been married 20 years.

I do volunteer my time and have done for almost a decade. I am not bored or lazy. With the internet at your fingertips how on earth can anyone be bored? Films, magazines, podcasts, Netflix, Prime, ebooks, YouTube all available. I have never watched Jeremy Kyle.

We are happy as a family, it works for us. We are completely fine financially , I have my own car, we have holidays abroad.

OP If you are unsure if this is for you, why not try it for a little while and if it isn't for you then look for work. Lots of my SAHM friends from nursery days have gone back to work. Some haven't. Each to their own. I genuinely don't judge people who work full time. Most of them teach my children and are amazing.

cupofteaandcake are you married?

I work part time. I like this as I bring money in and meet people in my job but I'm still around for the children.

I would love to be a SAHM but I'm pretty lazy by nature and I fear I'd waste the days away on my phone and watching tv.

Loopy - no I'm not but I'm not exposed financially if we split

OP (if you're still there) if I were you I'd not rush into working if you don't have to. Take some time to consider your options and the impacts they might have. Enjoy a bit of time to yourself.
I do work and for me the key is having a flexible job/employer. That means I can go to school events, do some drop off and pick up, manage things when my DH is away, and more recently work from home around school to fill a childcare gap.
Ideally I would like to work less, but we can't afford it right now and I don't want to move to a less flexible employer. DH wouldn't be able to do his job so easily if I worked less flexibly, his job is not quite as flexible as mine. So that more than makes up for me earning and working less. Having said that I work 4 days so it's not much less!

There are some MN who seem to think that no one at all should be a SAHM once their child starts school. I worked pt (2-3 days a wk) when my child first started school which i really liked but circumstances changed and now i need to work 5 days albeit not 9-5 every day. I am so lucky that i have SAHM friends who can pick up DS for me if i am stuck at work or can't get back for pick up. (I do try to repay the favours when they need childcare, or babysit for them in the eve) I'm also grateful for the mums (mainly but not all SAHM) who accompany the weekly swimming lessons or go in where parent helpers are needed for craft/reading etc. Many of the pta are SAHM too.
When i was a SAHM i used to help at a toddler group and nannies/cms/GP would bring children as well as mums.
So i think WOHM and SAHM benefit each other, sometimes without the other party knoeing or realising.

I think there's a lot of lucky mumsnetters who have great jobs that they love and are in a loving, supportive relationship with a man (or woman) who shares 50/50 of all the wifework and households tasks.

Lucky to have great jobs maybe (although arguably not all down to luck) but I really don't think that having a partner who shares the load is "lucky". Some people see it as the default and wouldn't accept anything less.

I don't think it's lazy as it depends on your circumstances. My DH travels frequently for work. I'm a shift worker and whilst I'm on maternity leave now it's so easy being here and not worrying about childcare.
When I return to work we are both going to have to juggle as my day often starts at 5am and if he's traveling he has to be at the airport for 5am so childcare will be hard.
The only downside of me being off work now is DH takes it for granted I'm here 24/7 and will frequently ring to say he's running late or has to go away last minute.
Technically it would be easier for me to just stay at home and be responsible for the children and home but I'd be bored however if it becomes way too stressful I may reconsider. My job has good perks otherwise I'd probably look for something else.

I think there's a lot of lucky mumsnetters who have great jobs that they love and are in a loving, supportive relationship with a man (or woman) who shares 50/50 of all the wifework and households tasks

I don't consider myself lucky that DH does his share I'd settle for nothing less in a relationship.

Just remember we all present the image we want online,, it's not necessarily true. No one has a perfect life, we all carry something.

OP, I'm a SAHM to school age DC. I feel very satisfied doing it - I have time to do the part of cooking I like, plenty of time to keep the house in order, prepare activities and plan for the school holidays. I do miss my old career but wouldn't change it for the world.

I've never met anyone in real life who says you can have it all. The fact anyone would argue that either working or SAH is 'best' seems bonkers to me. We make significant financial sacrifices by my not working while everyone I know who works also says there are things they miss out on.

Hell, I sure as goshdarnittoheck don't have a perfect life! It's a life of compromise, and making the best of the situation.