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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 13:45

I am also a single parent

Ah, I'm understanding now.

It’s a serious issue and it’s a pity you obviously see it as a joke

I don't see the issue as a joke. I see sweeping statements which make a nonsense of the issue as a joke.

BlackPrism · 29/05/2019 13:46

If my DP wasn't the resentful or controlling type and I didn't have a career to get back to then possibly

I'd probs volunteer for something though and maybe do you educational courses as I can see the lack of structure making me depressed

RomanyQueen1 · 29/05/2019 13:47

Someone needs a definition of feminism, or maybe just low IQ of a wohm.

My IQ is very low and I happen to be a sahm, I have the intelligence to do what makes me happy and hat ain't working for some fat cat, to prove I can have what another might think is everything.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 13:48

I don't need a job to impose an external structure upon my life, I create my own structure within the context of my life. It's not hard, even poor silly SAHM's can do it. . .

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 13:49

I have to say RomanyQueen, that I have worked with a lot of people, male and female, that clearly hadn't dipped that deeply into the well of the Brains Trust. In fact, some of them, were, I would go so far as to say, absolute lunkheads. (And worse, didn't know it. . .)

The80sweregreat · 29/05/2019 13:50

See line,
it's nice to read a positive message about being a stay at home mum.
It's nearly always a 'bun fight 'when it's brought up on threads and I've always felt bad that I've only ever worked 10 hours or much less a week for years now, but we did what worked out for us and it did help that I was about in the teen years as well as dh worked away a lot and would be away for many weeks at a time with work etc. Without any other back up it's not easy to work full time or even part time.
It's always a difficult subject and complex.
As someone else pointed out, the stay at home mums tend do more for the community too ( sometimes) as they have more free time.
I have also worked full time with young children ( when ds1 was born) and I was berated for that : you can never win whatever you choose to do.

SilverySurfer · 29/05/2019 13:51

With a current divorce rate of over 40% I think any woman would be beyond foolish to give up a good career to be a SAHM for years.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 13:52

Sorry about that above Blush

continually - I think we’ve reached a point now in our society when there’s slightly more to feminism that “women working = feminism.” God how depressing and narrow-minded that would be. Feminism has to take into account that women may make different choices to men - this is something to be lauded and respected. As women get more choices - to be at home, to work full time, or to work flexibly, then men get more choices too. Different set-ups suit different individuals. There’s no “should” about it. As long as a family is happy, then who the hell is any woman on here to preach from on high with their stale, outdated notions of “feminism.”

AlaskanOilBaron · 29/05/2019 13:53

As someone else pointed out, the stay at home mums tend do more for the community too ( sometimes) as they have more free time.

Bless.

ethelfleda · 29/05/2019 13:53

I loved some of the freedom I had when I was on mat leave for 12 months. I started drawing (turns out I’m pretty good) atarted learning a language and completed quite a few openlearn courses. I was really happy. I felt I was using my brain more than I do when at work. I started reading some classical literature and became even better at cooking than I was. It was hedonism pure and simple. And I would love my life to be designed in such a way that I could do these things again on a regular basis.

CripsSandwiches · 29/05/2019 13:53

@Pa1oma

Exactly and in fact it doesn't even have to be the case that women make choices different to men. I think it's just as valid for a man to stay home if that makes more sense for the couple.

BlackPrism · 29/05/2019 13:54

@formerbabe meanwhile everyone else manages to fit 40 hours of work in there on top of childcare responsibilities.... you're not overrun

continuallychargingmyphone · 29/05/2019 13:55

But overwhelmingly they don’t.

Dontbeadickkkkk · 29/05/2019 13:58

Childcare costs aren’t a valid excuse, they don’t last forever.

How many SAHMs have their own pensions?

If a woman came on here and said she worked full time but her husband stayed at home and played Xbox, went to the gym and the pub with his mates it would be thread after thread of posters shouting “

I also agree that it’s not on claiming 50/50 on the grounds of sacrificing a career if you never intended on having one in the first place.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 13:59

Don’t what?

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 14:00

Childcare costs aren’t a valid excuse, they don’t last forever

They don't but they can be utterly prohibitive whilst they do last!

BentBastard · 29/05/2019 14:01

Wasn't aware SAHM needed a "valid excuse" to stay at home Confused

UserName31456789 · 29/05/2019 14:01

These threads always go the same way. It starts off as a reasonable discussions. People mention the pros and cons of each option suggest alternatives (start a business, take a qualification, volunteer etc). It then without fail descends into petty name calling and ridiculous passive aggressive and sometimes outright aggressive comments that do nothing but make the person who's making them look ridiculous.

No one who is secure in their decisions would feel the need to shit over other people who have made different decisions. Almost everyone - whatever their choices have made sacrifices. If you're working full time you or your family will have certain advantages and certain disadvantages compared to a family with a mainly at home parent and vice versa. Admitting there are certain disadvantages does not mean you've made the wrong choice - you'll have advantages too and every situation is different. It really is possible that someone made a different choice to you and you've both done the right thing for your own family.

Many people (for example with SN children, or people who can't afford to live off one salary) don't have the luxury of choice. If we have managed to make a choice be grateful for that luxury and be supportive of other women - even if their choice wasn't the same as yours.

Dontbeadickkkkk · 29/05/2019 14:01

I work 38 hrs a week with 4 kids as a single mother.

I’m embarrassed for all these women who say it’s too much stress to get a part time job whilst they have a husband and only a few kids. Honestly, cop on to yourself

Dontbeadickkkkk · 29/05/2019 14:02

You kind of do need an excuse not to contribute to the family finances

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 14:04

@BlackPrism

Then please tell me who will look after my DC if they're unwell and can't go to school. Where will my DC go in the 14 week's holiday every year?

Why do you care anyway? I'm not costing you any money!

KneelJustKneel · 29/05/2019 14:05

(Pantsy... what are you changing to out of interest....)

AlaskanOilBaron · 29/05/2019 14:05

Wasn't aware SAHM needed a "valid excuse" to stay at home

I think that either we need to either accept that a more women will opt out of work than men, and accept that women will remain underrepresented in certain roles/industries, or start demanding excuses and argue for quotas and the like.

I prefer the former, personally.

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 14:05

@Dontbeadickkkkk

Where do your DC go before school/after school and during the holidays?

HomeMadeMadness · 29/05/2019 14:06

I can guarantee the nasty, aggressive comments come from a place of jealousy or insecurity.

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