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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:

SherlockSays · 29/05/2019 14:06

Well I was going mad by the end of 9 month's maternity leave so it really wouldn't be for me. I've reduced my hours to 4 days though.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 14:08

Dontbea(whatever) - if I had by chance happened to be an entrepreneur type who had built up businesses and employed a lot of people in various countries and had a lot depending on me and wanted to see it all through / do what it takes / go wherever necessary, etc because I thought this was in the short and long-term interests of my family and it made most sense for me to contribute to my family in this way, then yes, I’d be delighted if I had a partner who understood this and balanced me out in that he was happy to take on the even more important business of our children’s day-to-day wellbeing and everything everything I didn’t have time to get into.

ethelfleda · 29/05/2019 14:09

UserName31456789

I completely agree with your post.

comingintomyown · 29/05/2019 14:09

I did that and absolutely loved it yes when XH left when DCs were 11 and 13 it was a tough journey back to work etc but no regrets at my choice

Jamesonwhite · 29/05/2019 14:10

It's your life OP. Personally I decided to work full time from when I stopped maternity leave. I was utterly dreading it (it was sort of a choice - but we wouldnt be able to afford our beautiful house and holiday and have savings otherwise).Dd is happy at her childminders, I am happy to be at work using my brain to it's full capacity (and drinking hot cups of tea) and family time is always precious and fun. Not the same for everyone though!!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2019 14:10

Then please tell me who will look after my DC if they're unwell and can't go to school. Where will my DC go in the 14 week's holiday every year

It's a good job people can think outside the box otherwise we'd have no teachers, doctors, nurses etc once they decided to have a family

If children are sick, you take care of them between you. There is more childcare available than ever for working parents so schools having holidays is not an excuse to not work.

Some people make having children seem equivalent to being a CEO of some major company. It's not hard to work and parent, millions do it.

MyInnerAlto · 29/05/2019 14:14

I work for myself, from home, around the children, in a rather niche segment of a skilled interesting job that doesn't pay too badly (not huge amounts but enough). It's brilliant, and I'm very, very lucky to be able to do it and not have to worry about annual leave, answering to an employer when I want to take a day off and do something with youngest dd, etc. It is tiring, though. Often dealing with dc and family things gets in the way of working, and when I am busy there are a lot of evenings and weekends in the office (in fact I work at least a couple of hours most weekends - so far I've had four weekends completely off this year, including the Easter weekend, and I often work on bank holidays and send employed dh and the dc off to do something without me). It does feel rather as if I'm trying to cram two jobs into the time available for one, and the house is a mess, tbh. But I still feel rather like I've found the holy grail.

I think in an ideal world, SAH would be wonderful - I have so much that I would love to do with more time, including academic research, singing lessons, all sorts. But in the real world, I am very glad indeed to have my hand in, so if anything did happen to dh I would be able to keep us afloat (our earning power - in very different fields - is roughly equal atm, but I earn around half of what he does).

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 14:14

If children are sick, you take care of them between you.

So, if we both have to be in work, who will look after them? You haven't given me an answer.

There is more childcare available than ever for working parents so schools having holidays is not an excuse to not work.

I really don't want to drop my DC at a holiday club at 7.30am and pick them up at 6.30pm every day for six weeks in the summer. It would be exhausting for them.

Again, you are saying there's solutions but not actually giving me any.

I don't know anyone with school age dc who works and has zero family support.

Dontbeadickkkkk · 29/05/2019 14:15

Breakfast club, after school club, holiday clubs, 5 weeks annual leave

If their sick I take a carers day. I also work overtime for time in hand instead of money. Once they’re in secondary your childcare costs are done.

My position does not come from a place of jealousy at all. It comes from seeing numerous women on here and in real life being fucked over when their husbands leave them/get made redundant/become ill or die. I hate seeing women doing themselves down talking about how they couldn’t cope with having to work “on top of everything else”. These aren’t impossible problems and you are in a really vulnerable position.

Icandothisallday · 29/05/2019 14:16

Ffs.

I am a single parent who works full time.

It can be done. Work and all the housework and home admin.

So bloody what.

I hate these threads, because you have a lot of sahm on the one hand who seem to think working mums must just not bother with school plays, book day etc

Then some working mums who look down on sahm

I would never be a sahm. I am glad, when me and my husband divorced I bought my own house straight away. No worries about finances or being able to pay the Bill's or benefits.

But if someone wants to be a sahm, is aware they are financially vulnerable in event of a split and make plans....crack on.

And working parents manage to do all the same stuff and work....if you are happy....crack on.

Tumbleweed101 · 29/05/2019 14:16

I would because I’d like to write my novels.

Dontbeadickkkkk · 29/05/2019 14:16

I have no family helping me. How many sick days do your kids have?! Between 4 kids I took 3 carers days last year. I had two left over

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 29/05/2019 14:18

Some people make having children seem equivalent to being a CEO of some major company. It's not hard to work and parent, millions do it

Totally agree (providing there are no health issues) and running a home it is manageable I juggle a lot at times but get through it

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 14:18

I juggle a lot at times but get through it

Maybe it’s ok to not want to “juggle” though?

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 14:18

talking about how they couldn’t cope with having to work “on top of everything else

I could cope with the volume of stuff to do...I can't conjure up affordable, flexible childcare though.

After-school club finishes at 5.45. Most full time jobs finish at 5.30 in London...good luck finding a fifteen minute commute!

AlaskanOilBaron · 29/05/2019 14:19

So, if we both have to be in work, who will look after them? You haven't given me an answer.

Where employers don't have bandwidth to cope with employees having sick children, they'll be out of business sharpish.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2019 14:19

I don't know anyone with school age dc who works and has zero family support

I don't, imagine there are plenty of MN that don't.

There are solutions but you don't want to hear them i.e. Childcare etc.

Dontbeadickkkkk · 29/05/2019 14:19

But you accept that you are putting more stress on your husband to be the only breadwinner?

Hollowvictory · 29/05/2019 14:19

Why would you have to work full-time?

AlaskanOilBaron · 29/05/2019 14:21

I could cope with the volume of stuff to do...I can't conjure up affordable, flexible childcare though.

That's also pretty normal, and the people who fork out a significant chunk (or more than) one salary are deadly serious about getting back to work, they view it as an investment.

It's much easier having someone else at home, particularly in the young years, but you shouldn't couch it as anything but a choice.

StayAtHomeScrounger · 29/05/2019 14:21

Argh this thread is turning into a bit of a scrap!

Inevitable when the subject of SAHM arises.

OP, it's your choice, no-one else's. I did and enjoyed it. Children have left home and now I'm shock, horror a stay at home wife and in the fortunate position of being able to afford to do so. I do indeed have a private pension and my own money but you know in some people's eyes still scrounging off my hard working husband as a kept woman 🙄.

I have a very busy life, I'm not sitting on my arse doing eff all every day. I could not give a damn what anyone thinks of me, especially not a load of random people on the internet.

LolaSmiles · 29/05/2019 14:21

Do whatever is right for your family, but make sure you are adequately protected.

E.g. Are you married or just living with DP? Is your name on the deeds of the house? If something went wrong would you be confident in your ability to provide financially on your own? Given you're not making NI and pension contributions, have you made arrangements to pay into a private pension? Are you aware of the implications on your state pension if you've not paid in enough years?

There's too many threads on here where women give everything up to stay home and find themselves financially vulnerable (at best) and shafted (at worst) because they drifted into staying at home for years without making an informed decision.

Dontbeadickkkkk · 29/05/2019 14:21

If your husband said “ok you’ve been home for 5 years now, I would like to swap and take over your responsibilities and you can go out and earn the money and further your career”...how many SAHMs would take them up on it?

Yet will claim 50/50 in a divorce as they have sacrificed their career?

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 14:22

Why would you have to work full-time?

Because part time jobs are hard to find and you still often need wrap around care so if you're paying for that anyway, you'd be even worse off working part time.

Dontbeadickkkkk · 29/05/2019 14:23

How do you have your own income and private pension without working? Genuine question!

Inheritance?

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