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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM/Housewife with children at school?

999 replies

Pinkbutton85 · 29/05/2019 08:32

I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years. My youngest will be starting school in September and I'm unsure of what to do next. Financially, I don't need to work at present. Would you still be a SAHM if you didn't 'have' to be?

OP posts:
Reenascreena · 29/05/2019 12:34

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JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 12:37

It's posts like these that make me wonder about IQ differences between WOHMs and SAHMs -- because those of us who are not 'economically inactive' don't magically get a free pass from costumes and PE kits, and taking children to hospital

Doesn’t take much IQ to understand that it’s so much easier to do all those things if you don’t work full time....

Dieu · 29/05/2019 12:37

Financial independence is so important for women, as you never know what's round the corner.
I was a SAHM while my kids were at school. For me it was a one way road to feeling purposeless and depressed. I work full-time these days, but reckon part-time is the best of both worlds.

RomanyQueen1 · 29/05/2019 12:40

“Teenagers are heavily influenced by their peers though. You can tell them that your contribution is worthy of respect but if their peers mothers are doing what you do and earning they probably won't respect your contribution as much as you would like to think.“

Mine were more interested in what they wanted to do than what their peers mothers were doing Confused They were thankful I put them first before any career or job. None of their friends with both parents working could have had the flexibility that mine did and they often talk about it now as grown ups/ teen.

Hollowvictory · 29/05/2019 12:42

Exactly Reena some people really make a meal of things. School admin isn't a full time job ffs. 30 mins a week tops. Any more and you're doing it wrong

Dungeondragon15 · 29/05/2019 12:42

I never do just sit around in the dsy though, Dungeon because firstly, that’s not my personality and secondly, things just don’t pan out that way. There is always something. Right now, I’m in an Uber and off to the fracture clinic with another DC. It’s half-term. But even when it’s not school holidays, I’m always doing something - for one of the Dzc, for DH or for me. I’ve just renovated a house - that took a year. You fill your time, however much time that is. There are still not enough hours in the day!

You sound like my retired parents. Apparently you are so much more busy when you retire than when you worked. At least they have the excuse of being elderly though. Think about it rationally rather than insist that you are so busy. Unless your children have more needs than the majority of children why do you think it is impossible for you to work with teenagers when the majority of other parents manage it?

MsSquiz · 29/05/2019 12:43

Technically I have been a housewife (no children) since November, although I do do DH's admin for his various businesses, but this rarely takes up more than an hour a day.
DH pays me a monthly wage and I also have inheritance invested and in savings that are my own money.

We recently found out I was pregnant, so obviously my role will then become SAHM. Since becoming a housewife I am responsible for all housework/chores (apart from putting the bins out and doing the cats litter trays!) and 95% of the cooking. It also allows me time to plan and arrange an annual dinner for a charity that DH is on the board of.

I have this role as it's what I enjoy and what I wanted to do, and if I was to change my mind following having our child, I know that DH would have my back in doing so

MarshaBradyo · 29/05/2019 12:44

I have a 14 year old, 9 and 16 months. I’m a sahm atm and have worked ft and used a nanny.

Given a choice the older two would prefer after school to a nanny - as nice as she was. It wouldn’t stop me if if I needed to or wanted to go back but they still like having me around.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 12:46

I don't think my IQ is affected by my work status, or changes with it. Nor did it influence it.

It's sufficient to have got me through two degrees, one of them professional (did that one when pregnant and the children were pre-school).

LOL, men really are second best when it comes to putting women down. Women are infinitely superior in that domain, I feel!

BangingOn · 29/05/2019 12:47

They were thankful I put them first before any career or job

Gosh, yes. How selfish of some mothers to work to pay for a roof over their children’s head and food on the table.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2019 12:48

School admin as stated above took me or DH minutes each week. I can't imagine stating any of it as a reason to justify not working.

Saharafordessert · 29/05/2019 12:49

It’s entirely your choice but however secure you think your relationship to be I would be very mindful of the financial risk you take by not working.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 12:49

I don’t think it’s impossible for me to work Dungeon. Where do you get that from? Very odd.

If I have to be totally blunt with you, I don’t work because I don’t need to. That’s it. If we needed the money, I wouid work (obviously). If DH had preferred to have a WOH wife, then I would no doubt work. But he doesn’t, so I’m not. If I had one or two children, rather than four, I might work. But I don’t. If I was bored, I would work. But I’m not.

Yes, it’s called individual circumstances. Imagine that! Who knows what any of us would do in different circumstances?

CripsSandwiches · 29/05/2019 12:50

It's posts like these that make me wonder about IQ differences between WOHMs and SAHMs -- because those of us who are not 'economically inactive' don't magically get a free pass from costumes and PE kits, and taking children to hospital.

What a nasty post. Some jobs are more flexible than others not everyone has the option of flexible working where you can get enough leave to take kids to hospital appointments, attend assemblies, have enough time left over to faff about making costumes etc.

ethelfleda · 29/05/2019 12:52

I’m surprised at how many people would be bored to be honest. I wouldn’t! I can always find interesting ways to fill my time! My problem is that I don’t have enough free time to do those interesting things because I work.
I also hope than in a few years time, when DS starts school, that I will be there to drop him off, pick him up and be around during holidays. I’m not sure how we will achieve that yet but I’m sure we will find a way.

strawberrypenguin · 29/05/2019 12:53

Well you wouldn't really be a SAHM at that point would you? You'd just be unemployed.
Personally I'd find a job as I like to have my own money and not be solely reliant one someone else.

Reenascreena · 29/05/2019 12:53

Doesn’t take much IQ to understand that it’s so much easier to do all those things if you don’t work full time....

Jacques, I don't in the least want to get into a fight with you, as you've always struck me as a bastion of good sense and good humour, but it's ridiculous to suggest as that poster was, in a post far longer than I quoted that school demands for costumes and PE kits and cakes for a cake sale are reasons for being a SAHM.

Anyone who has school-aged children knows exactly how many PE kit changes and costumes and cake requests etc happen in the average term -- unless there's an 'extreme' level for SAHPs and the rest of us just get a modified version...?

Certainly it would be easier to keep on top of those things if you didn't also have a job, but I don't think that, in itself, it constitutes a reason not to work.

ethelfleda · 29/05/2019 12:54

I don’t think anyone has to ‘justify’ not working either! If you want to work then work.
I know I bloody wouldn’t if I didn’t need the money! Life is far too short and I couldn’t give a fuck if someone thought it was lazy.

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 12:54

It’s entirely your choice but however secure you think your relationship to be I would be very mindful of the financial risk you take by not working.

Thankfully we have all these high IQ WOHP's here to point this out to us ad nauseum if we have, somehow, had this admittedly important consideration somehow elude us. Smile

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 29/05/2019 12:55

No. It was never in my life plan to be a SAHM.

However ..... I am not you. If you've considered all the implications — positive and negative — and it works for you then go for it. Enjoy Smile

CripsSandwiches · 29/05/2019 12:55

I definitely remember as a teen feeling rather displaced when both my parents weren't there much in the evening - and when they were were often busy quickly sorting dinner, or chucking laundry on etc. I definitely used to over invest in boyfriends as a result. I'm probably a more sensitive person than average though.

If I didn't have the self employed part time option I would probably volunteer rather than engage in paid work. Mainly because a lot of the term time paid employment options are fairly menial - which I'd do if I needed the money but I wouldn't enjoy. In the voluntary sector I've found since they're getting free labour you're able to get more responsibility while remaining flexible. TO me it would also be important that we had financial security in the case DH was made redundant or we divorced. I don't think we will but it's a non trivial possibility. (Sickness isn't a problem as we're insured).

JacquesHammer · 29/05/2019 12:55

Reenascreena

I don’t disagree with your point. I didn’t think the jibe about IQ was necessary!

I’ve no wish to get into a fight with anyone. These threads always end up the same way. Even more of a bunfight that towel washing!

Whackitupto200 · 29/05/2019 12:56

I wouldn’t.

You see so many threads on here where the woman has given up her career and earning potential to stay at home with the kids and then after 15-20 years the husband fucks off and leaves the SAHM shafted. You only do well out of a 50:50 divorce if you have a lot of assets to begin with. If you’re Mr and Mrs average with a £100k mortgage on a 3 bed semi and him on £35k a year, you’re not going to be able to live off the proceeds of that divorce. As a single parent you’ll either need to work or top up with benefits.

Also I would massively resent the idea that being a SAHM meant the housework was my default job. I fucking loathe housework and I only have to do 50% of it. I think that would damage my relationship tbh. Scrubbing DH’s skids off the pan and washing his pants, cooking him meals while he puts his feet up after a hard day in the office and does fuck all. I’d seethe to death.

ethelfleda · 29/05/2019 12:56

Well you wouldn't really be a SAHM at that point would you? You'd just be unemployed

I’d be a mum who stayed at home.
But call it unemployed if you like. Makes no difference to me.

Reenascreena · 29/05/2019 12:58

What a nasty post. Some jobs are more flexible than others not everyone has the option of flexible working where you can get enough leave to take kids to hospital appointments, attend assemblies, have enough time left over to faff about making costumes etc.

It's not nasty at all. It simply pointed out that working parents aren't magically exempt from PE kits, tombolas and hospital visits, and to claim these things as reasons why you can't work is incredibly disingenuous.