To think DH makes me look like a crap mum?

[loudnoises1]

So my gorgeous baby is just over 6 weeks old and it's been a bit of a rough ride after a traumatic birth experience. DH has been an absolute angel throughout the whole thing, I cannot fault him at all.

DH went back to work 2 weeks ago and he misses us a lot when he's at work as I'm sure most new dads do. So when he's with us, he tends to be very cuddly with her, does the majority of feeds and changes etc. Obviously this is great as it means I get a bit of a break when he's home but people have started to make comments when we're out socially.

We've had a few comments from friends/family members about how she is always with him and how she's such a daddy's girl. One even asked if I had ever changed her nappy. Obviously this is infuriating as they don't seem to realise or take into account that I'm alone with her all day every day.

I'm getting really down about worrying that it makes me look like a crap mum and that DH does everything. Am I being over sensitive or would you judge a mum if you only ever saw baby being fed/held by dad?

sigh it feels like we're held to such an impossible standard sometimes

Fuck 'em. Enjoy it. Good on your DH for doing exactly what a parent should

It's just the usual sexist BS. A man does the bare minimum and he's a saint. (Not to say your husband is only doing the bare minimum.)

Ignore them and be happy that you found a good man, they are few and far between.

Be proud and tell them instead how much he helps you when you are exhausted

First of all, you have nothing to feel bad about and everything to feel happy about. What a lucky little girl to be so adored and cared for by both mum and dad. Sounds like you, DH and baby are all doing brilliantly

Who on earth is making such stupid comments? You're well within your rights to challenge their nasty remarks and question them on what basis do they judge you to not be meeting your child's needs. Ask them, do they really suppose your baby goes uncared for when your DH is at work, or are they just trying to provoke and belittle you for some other reason?

I'd probably be thinking what a good relationship you must have as a couple and what a lovely relationship you must each have with the child. And I'd be jealous! I wonder if other ppl are commenting out of jealousy?

What stupid comments to make tho. Man gets praise for holding own baby and woman therefore not arsed. FFS.

Any chance the postbirth hormones are making you feel more sensitive than usual? Just speaking from experience. Usually I have the hide of a rhino and it takes a lot to upset or offend me. But with newborns the smallest most meaningless throwaway comments upset me. Those comments would probably tile me up now tho.

Congratulations on such excellent family management!

Oh wow, thank you those who have commented so quickly!

Sat up feeding her at this time and just feeling a bit sensitive I think.

You're right, it is sexist BS. Just because he actually parents and doesn't 'babysit' his child, people talk to him as if he's some kind of unicorn and me as if I'm a spoilt princess.

I know it annoys him too, maybe I need to encourage him to point it out to the wankers people who make comments.

I'd laugh a little and make some comment to "lightly" remind them that, as you say, you're taking care of her all day while he's away. They probably just aren't thinking/don't realise how their comments come across-- though the person questioning if you'd ever changed a diaper must be either stupid or jealous that your husband is a hands-on father.

(*rile me up not tile - as in would piss me off years after the newborn stage)

@Fireballfriends you're right, I probably am over sensitive at the minute. I adore our little family set up so it pisses me right off when people question it.

@loudnoises1 enjoy your little family as they are, stay away from negativity, just be happy

Challenge each of these comments when they are made, pointing out the sexist bullshit that they are.

You sound as though you are all doing great.

Welcome to motherhood - where everyone feels they can have a pop at you - interestingly especially when you are still recovering from a traumatic birth on top of floods of adrenalin and other hormones rushing through your body, and on top of feeding and sleepless nights. Smile sagely, note the bs. These people are showing (even unwittingly) some shadowy aspect of themselves. Decent mothers know exactly what you are experiencing - and perhaps because you are strong these so called friends and family step over the line. Don't let their nastiness effect the bond between your daughter and her Dad - parenthood is a marathon for both of you. You and your DH will find your own family groove - there will be ups and downs but they are wholly yours. Best wishes to the three of you.

I’d laugh and say ‘Yep, he’s the public parent, I’m the private one. He gets to see her so much less with his work that I can’t bear to pry her away when they’re finally together.’

And if there was any stupid or judgey follow up comments, I’d give them the face and say ‘wow, you don’t hang out with many modern families do you? The 1950’s called, and they want their parenting manual back!’ Big smile.

You are looking at it wrong - your DH is not in any way making you look like a crap Mum (I can see how it would feel that way though), it is your friends who are only seeing what they want to see.

I would be pretty pissed if my friends said this stuff and once I had set them straight I would ask my DH once we were alone to please do the same in future so it doesn't feel like I was the only one saying that I was doing the hard yards.

Congrats on your bub, enjoy, they grow up way too fast xx

@Skittlesandbeer 'The Public Parent' I love it! Will definitely be stealing that one.

I did manage to get a bit of revenge at the weekend. We were at a wedding and I decided to have a couple of glasses of wine and DH agreed to do all the night feeds etc so I could let my hair down a bit.
A friend of a friend at the wedding came over and very judgily said something along the lines of 'ooh you're living the high life aren't you- you're lucky he's willing to do the driving' and also 'I wouldn't have ever had a drink when mine were that small'.
To which I responded 'ah yes, normally I do all the driving but currently I have a gaping hole where my perineum used to be. I think that entitles me to a swift glass of wine.'
Her face was a picture...

I despair of the younger generation. All that is so amazingly sexist.

But yes, welcome to motherhood. The ones that bottlefeed get tut-tutted, the ones that breastfeed also get tut-tutted. My dd got so fed up with the whole world trying to change her way of being a mother.

@Angel54321 a bit too far at six weeks, even if you aren’t breast feeding (which I hope you aren’t after that post). Tbh I wouldn’t have gotten drunk with such s young baby either

@Alicewond

I had two glasses of wine, I didn't say I got drunk. Also, combination feeding if you must know.

Not that I should have to justify myself Is this not kind of what we're talking about here?
I'm really bored of being second guessed or having to justify our choices to everyone. It's exhausting.

Nice comeback ! If you get the nappy comment again, try "No- when DH is at work the stork actually comes back and changes the nappies. Amazing aftercare from the baby delivery service! For an extra fiver it'll clean the house too"

@loudnoises1 that’s good to hear, two glasses of wine and breast feeding isn’t ideal. Good you are using alternatives :)

My husband is the same with my now 6 month old, my in laws I don’t think realised how hands on I am until I went to see them on my own ... but Monday to Friday it’s all me night and day Bar a few hours ( if I am lucky if James is home ) weekends he has missed him so much I can’t pry him off my baby boy.

It made me feel bad and judged but really we are just lucky our babies have awesome daddies

I love how society comment when you had a drink but bet they would have batted an eye lid if the dad did. 😂

My husband doesn’t drink alcohol .. in a bar they would always give me the soft drink and him the alcoholic one 😉

Wouldn’t have batted

The most annoying thing about being a mum is all the unwanted opinions!

What ridiculous comments. WHY do people feel the need to interject their opinions and comment on everything?

If you ever get the diaper comment again, say, “Nah, I just let her sit around in it all day until John gets home and then he takes care of it.” Then roll your eyes at them and give them a WTF look.

All the best to you and your little family! It sounds like you’re doing everything right.

@Alicewond piss off with your judgey bullshit