To think DH makes me look like a crap mum?

[loudnoises1]

So my gorgeous baby is just over 6 weeks old and it's been a bit of a rough ride after a traumatic birth experience. DH has been an absolute angel throughout the whole thing, I cannot fault him at all.

DH went back to work 2 weeks ago and he misses us a lot when he's at work as I'm sure most new dads do. So when he's with us, he tends to be very cuddly with her, does the majority of feeds and changes etc. Obviously this is great as it means I get a bit of a break when he's home but people have started to make comments when we're out socially.

We've had a few comments from friends/family members about how she is always with him and how she's such a daddy's girl. One even asked if I had ever changed her nappy. Obviously this is infuriating as they don't seem to realise or take into account that I'm alone with her all day every day.

I'm getting really down about worrying that it makes me look like a crap mum and that DH does everything. Am I being over sensitive or would you judge a mum if you only ever saw baby being fed/held by dad?

sigh it feels like we're held to such an impossible standard sometimes

My mom says dp does more than most as he will cuddle baby to sleep at night if I've been with him all day or been at work since 5 am and its now 9pm.
Ignore it.
It what he should want to do as a proud dad. My dad never helped my mom with all 4 of us. That's her fault for not making him not because my dp is better somehow.

Don't let the comments get to you, but it is totally ok to point out how rude they are.

When they ask if you ever change the baby "nope, the 10 hours of every day and the nights I'm with her, I just let her sit in her own shit and starve until husband comes back home." People are just jerks.

two glasses of wine and breast feeding isn’t ideal.

This is rubbish. Two glasses is fine to breastfeed! Two bottles and you might struggle to look after you baby!

It’s the usual sexist bullshit - because you’re a woman, people see it as your job to look after the baby and are impressed when your husband ‘helps you’. It’s obviously absolute idiocy, and you have nothing to feel bad about.

One even asked if I had ever changed her nappy

You say these comments are from friends and family members so they are clearly saying this as a horrible little dig as they know your DH works. They are either jealous that your DH is so hands on because theirs is useless or just sexist morons who think you should be doing everything while the man has his feet up. I'd be snipping back 'of course I change the fucking nappies, who do you think looks after her while DH is out at work all day, Santa?.... but then I lm a bit of a narky cow

Ugh I had similar comments, OP.
I’ve had a few ‘oh she’s such a daddy’s girl’ from DPs mum and sisters out DD. Basically he’s hands on and pulls his weight. Its incredibly sexist and it’s just a shitty and unnecessary comment.

Just to add my voice to those saying there is nothing 'not ideal' about moderate amounts of alcohol and bf. At that age I would have prob stuck to one tbh, but mine fed very very frequently at that age - if you have a baby who will tend to go a bit between feeds then two (perhaps timed to be drunk just after or even during a feed) is no problem. And even without those precautions the ill effects are basically zero.

Even 'hands on' (sorry, not denigrating PP who have used it) I find questionable. My test is whether the same language would be used about a mother - and nobody ever talks about a 'hands on mum', because the concept of being 'hands on' is a (indeed the essential) part of the job description. He pulls his weight/parents his child.

“@Angel54321 a bit too far at six weeks, even if you aren’t breast feeding (which I hope you aren’t after that post). Tbh I wouldn’t have gotten drunk with such s young baby either“

Point made.

@Angel54321 a bit too far at six weeks, even if you aren’t breast feeding (which I hope you aren’t after that post). Tbh I wouldn’t have gotten drunk with such s young baby either

Meh. I went out with my mates and got absolutely hammered when my eldest was six weeks old. I wasn’t breastfeeding, he was well looked after, I got to let my hair down. Everybody happy.

All good.

Raed ypour own link Alice

A woman would have to cosniderably pissed for her breastmilk to have any alcohol in it... Maternal blood levels have to reach 300mg/100ml before mild sedation is reached in the baby (this compares with a level of 80mg/100ml needed to fail the police breath test In England

and then ^It’s unlikely that having an occasional drink will harm you or your baby, but it might affect how easily your baby feeds. So when breastfeeding, it’s probably sensible to drink very little. For example no more than 1 or 2 units once or twice a week. If you intend to drink more than this on a special occasion, you might want to think about
expressing milk in advance for your babysitter*

Which is exaclty what OP did... left baby with Dad and a bottle.

Ye gods! Shall I try that again

Read pour own link Alice

A woman would have to considerably pissed for her breastmilk to have any alcohol in it... Maternal blood levels have to reach 300mg/100ml before mild sedation is reached in the baby (this compares with a level of 80mg/100ml needed to fail the police breath test In England

and then It’s unlikely that having an occasional drink will harm you or your baby, but it might affect how easily your baby feeds. So when breastfeeding, it’s probably sensible to drink very little. For example no more than 1 or 2 units once or twice a week. If you intend to drink more than this on a special occasion, you might want to think about expressing milk in advance for your babysitter

Which is exactly what OP did... left baby with Dad and a bottle.

Talk to your dh

He should counter comments with how wonderful you are

This was the DH i imagined id have..wow it sounds ideal! Stuff the twats who havent got a clue whats happening behind ur front door&enjoy a guy who actually does what a dads meant to do!! We got the jerk who put on a great'superdad'act in front of parents/friends&was like a useless infant at home when there was no-one but me&DC around.

You are all fab so nice to know I'm not alone in having had these kind of feelings.

Surely anyone would just have to look at your Dh's face to see how much he loves his child and so the reason he is feeding her is because he loves her.

They definitely did this with Dh. He was absolutely besotted and would fly through the door, get changed as fast as superman (no phone box required) and then pick up Ds and shower him with kisses. He just loved him so much.

Your Dh is building a lovely bond with his child. I am not sure why people make the comments. Re our Ds? He is now 16 and he and Dh have a lovely relationship, as with Ds2 (13) as well.

I am a SAHM and they come off their computer games the second Dh comes through the door from work to greet him and hug him. It is a joy to see.

Ah yes. We were out to lunch once, and the women in the restaurant cooed when my husband got up to change a nappy. He also does most toddler related stuff at the weekends - which is when we're out and about seeing people - purely because he only sees him for a hour a day during the week, and (shock horror!) he misses his son and wants to spend time with him (and give me a break too.)

People who comment obviously think the toddler is self sufficient 12hrs a day, mon-fri 🤔

At the end of the day, you'll have the last laugh, because you'll be able to enjoy your life, your baby and your marriage. You'll get out and about. You'll see your friends. your husband will have a fantastic bond with his child. So sod what anyone else says.

Some women (and it is usually women) have a hard time imagining that any man might actually want to do his share and parent his children so they bevome spiteful to anyone who has a relationship of equals.

Don't worry OP. You and your little family are great.

@Alicewond

You can disagree with drinking while breastfeeding.

But you're wrong to. It's absolutely fine.

OP sorry on a thread like this you got judged.

My husband is also a wonderful hands on father and some people seemed to use that as an excuse to act like I was lazy. It's hurtful. My daughter refused all types of bottle so he did lots of things when not at work as I had no choice but to do all the feeding.

Also - he genuinely loves spending time with DD so why wouldn't he want to care for her? It's asking little questions like that that shut these idiots up.

It really is sexist shit. My DW was the same after she went back to work, when she was home with us she did almost everything - he was BF but she gave first expressed feed everyday to let me sleep a little longer, held him, soothed him, changed him. But nobody made these comments. Probably less shocking to see another woman actually parenting than a man?

Enjoy your new family OP.

OP welcome to the judgement around motherhood. All you can do is ignore ignore ignore and be very selective about the people you make friends with. For some strange reason a lot of people want to turn motherhood into some bizarre 'best mum ever' competition - I have never understood it and never will.

In any case some babies are clingier to their mothers than others. Dd1 wasnt at all clingy to me dd2 was and would cry when other people picked her up and stop when they gave her to me. I wasnt a different mother. FWIW Dd1 has also been planning on moving out since she was 4 😂😂

Your DH just sounds like one of the few who would meet my expectations (sadly they are few and far between even in 2019 and it amazes me what a lot of women put up with).

I had this sexist attitude as well, my DH was really involved in caring for our DS from the moment he was born (as he should be). Too often you see a mummy martyr with Dad trailing behind, hardly involved in family life, that’s what I find really sad.

I remember one Christmas day. Son was in the high chair and he did a poo. My husband scooped him up to change him and a relative said ‘aren’t you a good Dad, you?’

I mean, he is. But is that the benchmark?

Imagine if all I had to do to be a good Mum was wipe a dirty bum? Killing it

I recommend the book “what mothers do” by Naomi stadlen. You can dip in when you’re feeding and it’ll remind you what a fantastic job you’re doing. X

I have sons and I'd be very upset if they weren't like your dh. I had the opposite experience when my children were little and it's not fun and I still resent my husband for allowing me to become ground down into exhaustion by never getting a break. The lowlight was when I asked for one lie-in, just one, and he decided to rock the (crying) baby to sleep in bed next to me, rather than, say, take him for a walk, drive, whatever.

The point is, your dh sounds lovely and it's by far the best thing for your children to have a rested mother and a strong relationship with their father. Anyone who thinks different is either jealous or batshit.