To think DH makes me look like a crap mum?

[loudnoises1]

So my gorgeous baby is just over 6 weeks old and it's been a bit of a rough ride after a traumatic birth experience. DH has been an absolute angel throughout the whole thing, I cannot fault him at all.

DH went back to work 2 weeks ago and he misses us a lot when he's at work as I'm sure most new dads do. So when he's with us, he tends to be very cuddly with her, does the majority of feeds and changes etc. Obviously this is great as it means I get a bit of a break when he's home but people have started to make comments when we're out socially.

We've had a few comments from friends/family members about how she is always with him and how she's such a daddy's girl. One even asked if I had ever changed her nappy. Obviously this is infuriating as they don't seem to realise or take into account that I'm alone with her all day every day.

I'm getting really down about worrying that it makes me look like a crap mum and that DH does everything. Am I being over sensitive or would you judge a mum if you only ever saw baby being fed/held by dad?

sigh it feels like we're held to such an impossible standard sometimes

Also, loudnoises I would be challenging them on it every single time - raised eyebrow, incredulous tone, ‘what, he’s amazing for actually parenting his own child??’ Or ‘Hmmm I didn’t realise that all of you had settled for such useless, manbaby fathers!. How do you have any respect for them knowing they’re such shit parents?’

Really, this is such sexist, misogynistic bullshit.

Honestly OP the level of judgement over child rearing is staggering and you are absolutely damned if you do and dont
I have learnt to smile and nod. A lot.

@Loudnoises1
It's not that he's making you look like a crap Mum, as a pp said he's making you look like a well supported Mum, he's doing what all decent Fathers should. You're doing a great job and try and ignore judgemental other people, especially on a thread you've started.
Their problem may also be that he makes a lot of Men look like really crappy fathers. All this talk of "he's very good helping" fuck that, he's their parent too.

Yes he’s not making you look crap, he’s making their men look crap and them like the mugs they are.

Really honestly, don’t take any notice. Like pp have said, people love to judge parenting and you’ll need to develop a thick skin.

They are probably just jealous you have a husband who also pulls his wait, or worried their other half will expect them to do the same. Ignore them, whatever you do as a parent someone will have an unwanted opinion. As long as what you do works for your family just relax and enjoy it.

Yes he’s not making you look crap, he’s making their men look crap and them like the mugs they are.

Yep this.
Their husbands are crap.

Wait = weight

Or if it’s men saying this to you just ask them straight out, ‘oh so do you plan to be one of those useless fathers then?’ Or, ‘I don’t understand how you could expect X to respect you as a man if you can’t even bother to actually parent your child.’ Or, ‘don’t you feel embarrassed trying to pretend that you can’t possibly do the very simple things required to look after your child well?’

Some people are just bloody rude, or even jealous.

I’d be tempted to go completely the other way and not take any situation like that seriously-‘yeah, I’ve never changed a nappy, I just put her in a makeshift septic tank until DH can get home to deal with it’. No-I don’t do night feeds, I just don’t wake with my earphones in from the other side of the house. DH sleeps on the stone floor next to the cot, so he’s more accessible for her’.

The more ridiculous the better, for ridiculous comments like that!

I wouldn’t reply to the comments.

They are 100% jealous martyr mammies.

I think it’s so important to model equality in the home. So many women are burdened by ‘ women’s work’, my dh is like yours and even his mother is pass remarkable!

Congratulations

Actually yes I like that! Stupid questions deserve stupid answers.

My FIL worked away a lot when his children were young so when he was home he did night feeds, nappies etc. He took a lot of flak (it was the 70s) for 'spoiling' his wife but ignored it all. I'm glad my DH (and now my children) have him as an example of someone who is an equal partner in life.

Just ignore the comments

Ha! Yes, here's your answer:

'Ah yes - the Public Parenting Irony, I think they call it? (Laugh, but then immediately move to sad face) - DH gets so little real time with her you see, I've got her all day every day and he can't even really take over at night as he's got to get up for work, so when we're out like this it's really the only chance he gets. But what can you do?' (extra sad face)

:)

It is definitely a low bar. Luckily in my friendship group, dads dont set the bar low so i don't get rubbish from them. I remember once at lunch though my then newborn needed a change and my husband, who had finished went off to change. No conversation or prompting obviously, he smelt and he dealt. The two ladies next to us gushed how good he was, my friend and her dh and I ignored and eyerolled as it got to 'doing mum a favour' and they commented dh when he got back. Dh looked very wtf, told them ds was his baby too and when they mentioned how good he was again for nappy changing too him, i sarcastically remarked that i had to be fucking epic then doing it all day, every weekday.

They honestly looked stunned as if it didn't occur to them at all. One muttered about mums having a very tough job and then they both took full advantage of our waitress asking about desert. I'd definitely challenge again.

See I couldn’t leave it unchallenged. I just couldn’t. It’s the kind of thing people say without considering the kind of rubbish they’re endorsing with it.

I don’t leave it unchallenged either!
I’m very unforgiving of it.

I would be delighted if my lads were like your dh, my brothers are fantastic fathers.
Hopefully between us we’ll breed out the manchild men.

Congratulations on picking a decent father @Loudnoises1, that seems to be a rarity round here sometimes.

The few comments I've had about how good DH is have mostly been batted off with "He's DS's dad? ". Unless these people are spectacularly dense they realise they're being sexist as soon as you raise one eyebrow. I was confused by my MIL saying recently how surprised she was that he's such a decent father, I said "Really? He's exactly how I expected him to be."

@AliceWond - if you don't understand how breastfeeding works then please don't give out comments about it, it really isn't helpful to try to worry new mums unnecessarily. I solely breastfeed and happily have a few beers every week; regarding the article you linked I can tell you that DS has never struggled to feed, I imagine the issues quoted have been if someone gets a bit dehydrated because they've had booze and not kept up with having shitloads of water; I still get through at least 5 pints of water a day at the moment, but then DS is a greedy giant toddler.

It doesn’t make you look like a crap mum, it makes him look like a decent dad.

Just FYI this has been picked up by the mirror

Pity them OP because they obviously haven't been lucky enough to experience a man who does his fair share of the baby care when he can.I think these people commenting are more incredulous and maybe slightly jealous rather than purposefully mean. Ignore them.

Soak it in OP! My OH was the same until we started solids and the poo's became extra smelly, now he has magically lost all sense of smell 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry but are you letting him get away with that??

Why on earth should you be doing all the shitwork (literally and figuratively)?

I’d be telling him that I’m disappointed with him and that I expect him to pull his weight and look after his child properly.

Ah yes I know how you feel to some extent. I’d agree with those who have said keep your chin up and enjoy having such a doting DH.

It can get annoying when perfect strangers do this, or even friends. I noticed it first when DH and I were out walking with our twins in their double pushchair, he was pushing them along ahead of me (I’d fallen behind due to my shoes being a right pain, new flats that were cutting into my ankles) and I told him to continue walking whilst I got some tissues out of my bag and popped them in the back of my new shoes.

As I was catching up I saw strangers “aawing” and commenting on what a great Father he must be, two younger women stopped him to chat and said “you’re so brave taking two out at once, I bet it’s not easy”, it seems that people were in awe of what they thought was a Dad on his own, with twin toddlers, out and about. I never get more than “you must have your hands full” or unasked for parenting tips, if anything on the multiple occasions I’ve been out with them on my own.

DD is a massive “daddy’s girl” and when he was out with her in the carrier (DS in single pushchair with me falling behind again because DH can be such a fast walker) same sort of thing happens - I don’t let it bother me anymore but when you’re the person in charge of looking after DC the majority of the day it can suck that praise falls on the other parent for being “so amazing”.

DH handles it well now, at first it went to his head a bit as he enjoyed the attention but now if he gets stopped he makes sure to say what a great mum I am (I don’t feel like it a lot of the time but he believes it, he tells me every day which is sweet!) and that makes the older ladies in particular swoon 😂

Friends have often commented on how he clearly takes over childcare when he’s home from work when they visit, thing is they come after work and so he’s bound to be there and rarely do they see me in the day, after three days without a decent shower (just the quick one I can grab most days), hair looking like it’s been dragged through a hedge backwards, running about after the twins (who of course behave ‘so well’ by everybody else’s estimation but can be little howler monkeys for mummy), singing nursery rhymes with a slightly demented gleam in my eyes because there are only so many times I can sing Old McDonald with accompanying animal noises before my head explodes... just to keep them entertained enough to get them to eat their meals without getting bored and throwing their food EVERYWHERE. Phew, that was a bit of a rant sorry OP!

Well done to you for being an amazing mum and your DH for being an amazing dad, but mostly to you OP, because we mums don’t tend to get recognition for the everyday.

Well done for the sleepless nights, the ‘thankless’ tasks, the stress and the joy of being a Mum and taking it all in stride because that’s what we do

Don’t let such crappy comments get you down, OP. Your DH is simply doing what a father should be doing for his DD. He’s at work now so it’s right that he should want to look after his DD when he gets the chance.

My DH has always been very hands on as well, and as a result has a lovely bond with both our (adopted) DDs.

It’s lovely that your DD has 2 devoted parents.

One even asked if I had ever changed her nappy. Obviously this is infuriating as they don't seem to realise or take into account that I'm alone with her all day every day.

I couldn’t let even one comment go past. Like, do they actually think you loll round all day eating peeled grapes and doing fuck all parenting? Challenge, every single time and remind them it’s sexist bullshit.