To think DH makes me look like a crap mum?

[loudnoises1]

So my gorgeous baby is just over 6 weeks old and it's been a bit of a rough ride after a traumatic birth experience. DH has been an absolute angel throughout the whole thing, I cannot fault him at all.

DH went back to work 2 weeks ago and he misses us a lot when he's at work as I'm sure most new dads do. So when he's with us, he tends to be very cuddly with her, does the majority of feeds and changes etc. Obviously this is great as it means I get a bit of a break when he's home but people have started to make comments when we're out socially.

We've had a few comments from friends/family members about how she is always with him and how she's such a daddy's girl. One even asked if I had ever changed her nappy. Obviously this is infuriating as they don't seem to realise or take into account that I'm alone with her all day every day.

I'm getting really down about worrying that it makes me look like a crap mum and that DH does everything. Am I being over sensitive or would you judge a mum if you only ever saw baby being fed/held by dad?

sigh it feels like we're held to such an impossible standard sometimes

So when my advice was welcome I was a friend, but when I disagree I’m abused. Glad you want impartial advice then

You sounds like a wonderful caring mother and those comments are completely idiotic.

I definitely understand the feeling of someone getting tons of credit for something you do. My in-laws are pretty bad about it, I do pretty much all the paperwork in our house but as they’ll ask DH about our new insurance policy etc it’s as if he’s sorting it out. Seems petty but it gets frustrating as they’ll then keep checking that “we’re” up to date with something when it’s in reality aimed only at me. There’s definitely a sexist element of surely it’s my job as it’s household stuff even though the real problem is they didn’t adequately prepare their son for handling his own paperwork and finances.

I’d say try to find comfort in the fact that you and your DH know that you’re a great mother and everyone else can think what they like. The wine example just backs up that it’s everyone else having a crazy skewed view of how parenting should be divided up that’s the problem.

I'm not sure what you mean by "friend" but you've come on a post about unwanted and unnecessary sexist opinions given freely to mothers, to give an unwanted and unnecessary sexist opinion. Your contribution is not welcome.

Above was for @Alicewond

If the people commenting have husbands/partners of their own who are the fathers of their children I think I'd be tempted to have some fun at their expense.

"You think this is unusual? What an outdated idea. Didn't your dh/dp do the same? I'm so sorry that must have been SO hard for you, I can't imagine being with someone who didn't pull their weight"

let em chew on that!

Alicewond it seems to have completely bypassed you that you're EXACTLY the kind of person the op is about!!

Sexist, judgmental and jumping to conclusions.

@Rach182 is that not down to the op to decide, or are you speaking for her?

It's fine to have two glasses of wine while breastfeeding. I wish women would stop peddling this bullshit and actually research it for themselves. Just another stick to beat new mums with for the sake of it.

For your milk to contain the same alcohol content as ORANGE JUICE you would need to be paralytic.

@Graphista go ahead, why am I so evil?

@Celebelly so how often can a breastfeeding woman drink two glasses, daily, weekly, monthly? You haven’t stated that?

As often as she wants?

evolutionaryparenting.com/guest-post-breastfeeding-and-alcohol-consumption/

Please learn how alcohol passes into breastmilk before advising other women about it.

@Alicewond 2 glasses of wine and breastfeeding is most likely fine as a one off. As long as you are still sober enough to care for a baby you are OK to breastfeed as very little alcohol gets through, see <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/wp-content/dibm/alcohol%2520and%2520breastfeeding%2520%25283%2529.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiKkdvV6L_iAhX7URUIHQczDMAQFjAKegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw2DtTTPQrOqbVQFfXrnmGRw&cshid=1559101337923" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/wp-content/dibm/alcohol%2520and%2520breastfeeding%2520%25283%2529.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiKkdvV6L_iAhX7URUIHQczDMAQFjAKegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw2DtTTPQrOqbVQFfXrnmGRw&cshid=1559101337923 . (Although I so rarely drink now 2 glasses would definitely have me drunk so its not OK for everyone).

I still get the comments about how good DH is - I'm back at work and we both work part time so it does annoy me when all.he is doing is his share!

alicewond - there’s nothing wrong with having a few drinks and letting your hair down. The op isn’t a chronic alcoholic or drug addict. You post was exactly the kind of judgy nonsense the op is on about. People always want to comment like they are baby raising experts.

I know it annoys him too, maybe I need to encourage him to point it out to the wankers people who make comments.
Absolutely!! Present a united team to those unthinking idiots who engage mouth before they engage brain.

'ah yes, normally I do all the driving but currently I have a gaping hole where my perineum used to be. I think that entitles me to a swift glass of wine.'
Her face was a picture... 🤣

Alicewood certainly once in 6 weeks is fine!!! Of course two glasses of wine does NO damage and you are wrong to say to OP that you are glad it was only 2 glasses and glad she is using alternatives. So yes, your comments were judgy and exactly what OP has to deal with.
Loud noises your partner sounds great so ignore all the daft comments you are getting from people around you.

I really like Graphista’s suggestion on calling the fellow parents making these remarks out on their nonsense.

Be proud OP, you have a wonderful DH, who respects you and understands and has learnt the necessary skills involved to care for your baby. This is what marriage should be like! Please don’t allow anyone to make you feel otherwise, they are just highlighting the inadequacies in their own relationship.

My DH was exactly the same as yours and people used to remark on the smallest things, e.g. him changing a nappy in a restaurant rather than me. It’s utter nonsense and deserves calling out when you feel up to it.

Congrats on your lovely family!

@Alicewond your comment about feeding was a bit dickish. I'm just so over people judging mothers' feeding choices, I couldn't really be arsed to call you out on it.

Alice
Graphista didn’t say you’re evil. That’s very black and white thinking. Your response to her post adds more weight to it. A quick google would have told you the recommendations when drinking alcohol and breastfeeding. I see you have a linked response to your post. Idk why people come on these threads and tell new mums a bunch of crap. It’s frightening.

Would you like being judged in this way?

Ok bandwagon here, did I not support you before op? But yes I do disagree with drinking during breast feeding, despite all my previous comments of support for you though I’m now Satan? And eligible to be attacked by all???

Alicewond

What is your main concern? I’m genuinely interested and not trying to attack you. Is it because of what you perceive gets in the milk or more about the mother’s ability to feed safely?

Ignoring the obvious attention seeker on this thread - OP I was exactly where you were after I had DC1. DH was ecstatic to be a dad and literally took over - a little too much. Factor in I just couldn’t get the hang of BFing then that also became his territory too.

It is hormonal when you’re so soon post partum and you feel like your baby is getting “whipped away” when all you want to do is snuggle and feed and listen to their peeps and cheeps. Just tell DH how you feel; mine was totally none the wiser to just how much he dominated her care and from that point things got more equal and remain so now.

It’s well intentioned but I know how annoying it can be.

Off to have my morning Merlot now.

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/wp-content/dibm/alcohol%20and%20breastfeeding%20%283%29.pdf

I used to put on a shocked face. 'oh you poor thing. DH does do his share and is really good at it, but I do know there are people who have to struggle as their partners are just useless. Do you need help? I hear there are some really good options now for women stuck in relationships where they are forced to do everything? If it's really bad, I can probably help you find a solicitor?'

Mine are grown up but it was my family who did it. They thought it was hilarious that DH changed all the nappies at weekends and ripped the piss out of me for being a lazy cow.

Despite me doing all the breastfeeding all the time and every bit of everything while he was at work all week

IRS very old fashioned and sexist.

Alice
I don’t see what you’re trying to prove. Op had 2 glasses of wine and is mixed feeding, therefore could easily have given a bottle then fed a 2/3 hours after finishing her last drink.

The leaflet is largely aimed at “Chronic consumption” rather than an occasional glass.

Satan. . Nope. Drama queen