To think DH makes me look like a crap mum?

[loudnoises1]

So my gorgeous baby is just over 6 weeks old and it's been a bit of a rough ride after a traumatic birth experience. DH has been an absolute angel throughout the whole thing, I cannot fault him at all.

DH went back to work 2 weeks ago and he misses us a lot when he's at work as I'm sure most new dads do. So when he's with us, he tends to be very cuddly with her, does the majority of feeds and changes etc. Obviously this is great as it means I get a bit of a break when he's home but people have started to make comments when we're out socially.

We've had a few comments from friends/family members about how she is always with him and how she's such a daddy's girl. One even asked if I had ever changed her nappy. Obviously this is infuriating as they don't seem to realise or take into account that I'm alone with her all day every day.

I'm getting really down about worrying that it makes me look like a crap mum and that DH does everything. Am I being over sensitive or would you judge a mum if you only ever saw baby being fed/held by dad?

sigh it feels like we're held to such an impossible standard sometimes

5 days after I had given birth, PIL's where around and exDP was doing his 'look at me I'm daddy' bit and exMIL told him to make sure he was looking after himself

He got through a year without getting up with DD once and maybe bathed her a handful of times, but to them he was God's gift of a father. Irritated me to no end.

YANBU, fathers get praise for basic childcare whilst mothers get judged 😐

When they ask if you ever change the baby "nope, the 10 hours of every day and the nights I'm with her, I just let her sit in her own shit and starve until husband comes back home." People are just jerks.

Yes! Call them out on their stupid nonsense.

DH has always been hands-on. He travels for work so when he's home he's very much the "I'll do it" one. MIL thinks I'm the antichrist for "making" DH deal with his own DC, proudly telling anyone who'll listen that DH's Dad never changed a single nappy or did a night waking. She'll look at DS2 (who is a carbon copy of DH right down to the bowl hairdo) and proudly state "he's such a Daddy's boy". Yes, that's right, because when DH goes off to Dubai for 3 weeks at a time our house is like a Midlands version of Lord of the Flies, with the DC gnawing at tin cans for sustenance.

You have given birth and you are female. How very dare you. This now means you can expect to enjoy censure concerning:

Feeding choices. You are seriously damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Weaning choices. Too soon/too late, baby-led versus spoon feeding.
Stopping breastfeeding. Too soon/too late.
Going out for evening and leaving DC at home to be parented by their father. Expect “is your DH babysitting?” comments.
Having an extended period of time away from DCs during the day. You will hear this phrase: ‘Daddy Daycare’.
Not sitting on the ‘kids table’ during extended family get togethers.
DCs going to nursery. Lazy cruel mummy!

But the crème de la crème will come when you...Go Back To Work. The judgement that will rain down on you then will blow your mind.

DS has medical issues he was oxygen and in neonatal for months 'twas shite. DH was a brilliant dad (still is) HV came out when he was changing his wires and you'd think it meant he was the twatting second coming.

Even DH was make the most of it I do my oldest DD's dad was shite I got zero help.

Why is it always so shocking when a man turns out to be decent and hands on and hard working? And then they are put on a peddlestool.
Sounds like team work to me!

@loudnoises1 keep calling out the shitty judgemental sexist responses. Sounds like you are doing a great job of parenting together.

It is ridiculous - my stb exDH was a great dad from the off. We didn’t work out and separated a year and a half ago. I get comments about how great he is to do 50/50 child care and in the same breath asked how I can be without my kids for half the week!!

Tell them to bore off!

Hate this sexist bullshit. DH's family found it both surprising and hilarious that he loved his newborn daughter.

I often used to remark to him in the early days that I found being a mum really hard but I'd love to be a dad. He was great but being home all day with a newborn, especially when you're BFing and can't really get a break even at the weekend, is so bloody tough.

It's better now I'm back at work and not BFing any more. Everything 50/50 in our house now. Still get the odd comment about how lovely DH is with DD. And he is, it warms my heart... But no one ever says it and the mothers!

Oh and Alicewond, hopefully by now you realise you're spouting bullshit on a topic you know fuck all about. Something to avoid in the future perhaps. Especially when needlessly criticising a new mother who's world has just been turned upside down.

It's sexist bullshit and I'm afraid it never ends!
If dh goes out for the evening nobody asks if I'm 'babysitting' yet if I'm out I get a chorus of 'ooo isn't good' etc It infuriates me!

But the crème de la crème will come when you...Go Back To Work. The judgement that will rain down on you then will blow your mind.

Or if you don't go back to work......

I just can't imagine what sort of friends/family you must have!

Dad takes the chance to have time with/look after his new baby when he's not working.

Revolutionary!

OP they sound sexist and irritating.

As for drinking and BF, there's a picture of me with a pint in one hand and baby feeding in the other!

Ignore the sexist people. If you feel strong enough, make a comment but you don't have to. Enjoy your baby.

diddl
But it is to some people. You only have to look at threads on here by men saying they do 50/50 to find 80% of replies are women saying he couldn't possibly be actually doing 50/50 because it probably have occurred to him to sort the family photos out and men always think they're doing more.

I've been told by some relatives that I'm lucky to have a husband who 'helps' around the house.

Some people have a low bar in terms of what they expect from the men in their lives

You are a great mom. First you selected a man that pulls his weight and genuinely loves you and your child. That is very difficult to do. I don't think I have ever been a relationship with such a man.

Furthermore, you are not martyring yourself for your child, which sets a great example for your child to follow. I don't see what more parents could do than providing a mutually loving and respectful relationship for your daughter to emulate later.

Who are these people making such comments? I hope these aren't friends, because that's no way for a friend to behave.

My dh was the same. He did all of the bedtime routine right from the beginning as if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have had any time with the dc at all. Dd2 is 13 and he still reads to her every night. He definitely did more than me with the dc when we were out as a family because I was sick to death of it. He had his own changing bag.

I've been told by some relatives that I'm lucky to have a husband who 'helps' around the house.
Urgh this too, even my DM says this. Yet if my skirting boards are dusty, naturally the fault lies with me.

@Teateaandmoretea

Or if you don’t go back to work...

How could I forget the Not Going Back To Work?! I went back to work after both DCs but then took voluntary redundancy. I was judged equally harshly in both situations BY THE SAME PEOPLE!! 🤣😂

They clearly thought that having failed to care for the babies adequately by buggering off back to work at the soonest opportunity, I then decided to fleece DH by lounging about at home.

And you set a bad example to your daughters Clare tut tut

As long as you're happy with the dynamic that's ok. It would have bothered me a lot not to have lots of time with my babies when out and about socially. I loved those baby cuddles. Your title is "dh makes me look like a crap mum" not "I'm annoyed at being judged". So just make sure you're getting those public cuddles too if you need/want them.

I then decided to fleece DH by lounging about at home

Dunno why but this made me LOL @missclaireremembers

In my experience, women who do this are jealous as their husbands don't do similar.
It should be the norm.

In response to OP. He doesn't make you look a rubbish mum, he makes you look a well supported mum. Bravo to the dude 👏🏻
Enjoy.

I once had this-I was in sole charge of my brood never having a break ever-it happened to be my 21st birthday and for once had gone out to really go to town
Someone who I vaguely knew (and she didn’t have kids herself) walked up to me and said
‘I never see you with your children’!

I almost punched her

Omg alcohol and breastfeeding. It’s not actually the judginess that bothers me so much (I never pay any attention to what some random nobody thinks about me and my life), but it’s the stupidity, the actual downright stupidity of them when they don’t even have have a fucking clue, they’re literally as wrong as they can be about something which is easily measured and quantifiable, and they still expect you to listen to them, like they’re some kind arbiter of rightness. The utter and complete arrogance of it is pitiful, really.

Never mind the breathtaking tone deafness of coming onto a thread like this to make a comment like that. Although I suppose for some people the wankery is so entrenched that they can’t even see it.

Well done, you Alice! You’re exactly the kind of person who perpetuates the garbage we women have to contend with.
You might be quite content to be painted into a mummy martyr of the household role and to enable all the shit, entitled manbaby men and useless fathers in the world, but don’t you dare piss on the chips of those who’ve managed to break out of that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a couple of glasses of wine when the very capable father of your baby is on parenting duty, so what you would so has exactly zero relevance here!

ffs74 is right, it never ends. DS2 is 26 and people still talk about how DH used to take him to work with him as a baby (freelance, outdoor job) when I did an occasional day's work (freelance, indoor job). DS2 was in a sling, buggy or backpack, DH got on with his work, fed, changed etc no problem but my god, you'd think regular parenting for a man was akin to elephant wrangling .