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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my DH is BU

127 replies

kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:25

Long time lurker – this is my first foray into actual chat…deep breath...

Some background; DH has a high pressure job, works long hours, is often away on business. I am self employed and work at home: the vast majority of childcare falls to me. 2 kids, one with ASD, both at school. DH takes them to school 1 morning a week. I do the rest, bar the odd weekend when I have to work.

My issue is that my DH puts himself first. All. The. Time. So far this year, he’s done a five day stag bender, at least 5 weekends of stuff with his mates (uni reunion, birthdays, weddings etc), six days in the US on a (non-essential) work trip over the Easter holidays, which he left for the day after DC became A&E level unwell. On top of this there are the business trips abroad, often at weekends. Last night, he got back from a 4 day festival: he left me with both kids, one of whom is again ill, and no car on a half term BH weekend. It wouldn’t irritate me so much if he saw the kids during the week, but he doesn’t.

I’m miffed. I voiced my displeasure before he left for this bloody festival. When he got back he asked if I was still angry and when I assented and tried to explain why I was put out, he stormed off and avoided me for the rest of the evening. He then texts me this morning, telling me that he’s upset because I’ve held a grudge over the entire weekend, it’s all in my head because of my pms and that he came back a day early to help out – implication being that I should be grateful. He didn’t come back a day early – he didn’t have today off work ffs. Am I going mental, or is he being a twat? Confused

OP posts:
Happyspud · 28/05/2019 15:34

He’s a twat. You know this though. Problem is he’s oblivious to it. He’s taking advantage of you.

gamerchick · 28/05/2019 15:35

Yes he's being a twat.

Question is though, how long will you put up with it? If he wants the single life he can't live with his family while he does it. The kids would probably see more of him living apart and you would be free to find someone who treats you with respect.

Or you can accept him the way he is.

I have no idea how to make him change though.

kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:36

I think you're right. Problem exacerbated by the fact that I've enabled it for so long he now feels entitled. Ugh.

OP posts:
Soulsista14 · 28/05/2019 15:36

What a twat. You’re basically a single parent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2019 15:39

So in the past 5 months he's spent at least 25 days avoiding his family. Yeah YANBU.

What are you going to do?

kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:39

Leaving has never crossed my mind - I can't even imagine!

OP posts:
kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:41

Yeah - I feel like a single parent. It's annoying. Whenever I've voiced this with him he always pulls the 'I work so hard for us all to have this nice lifestyle' card on me. Which, to be fair to him, he does. Then I feel bad about giving him a hard time.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2019 15:42

So he ca do what he likes and you'd never divorce him?

kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:43

MrsTerryPratchet I'll probably show him this thread...

OP posts:
kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:44

MrsTerryPratchet basically. But then, I'm free to do what I like to, in theory. It's just I'm so busy facilitating his jollies that I never have time!

OP posts:
kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:44

too not to

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/05/2019 15:47

this with him he always pulls the 'I work so hard for us all to have this nice lifestyle' card on me. Which, to be fair to him, he does

Yeah, but you doing everything else means you’ve supported him and allowed him to create this lifestyle. If it weren’t for you running the place, he’d be screwed. Remind him of that!

Hadalifeonce · 28/05/2019 15:48

Perhaps you should find the odd 'jolly' for yourself, nothing megga, just leave him to sort out the DCs, see how he likes it. Do you have someone local who would be willing to let you stay overnight?

billy1966 · 28/05/2019 15:49

He has absolutely no interest in being a part of family life.

He clearly does not care about you or your children.

Your children and you deserve better.

He sounds like an immature, selfish pig.

I would make plans to leave.

Real men do not behave like this to their children and partners, ONLY SELFISH PIGS.

Good luck OP

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2019 15:50

Sounds like he's working hard for himself and you are working hard for him and your children.

And if you show him this thread he will use the words "bitter" and "man-hating". Just so you know I'm married to an astonishingly hot man who works very hard and also spends time with us all the time because he wants to. He facilitates his gym time by getting up very early so he can be home to see DD. I am not saying that to me smug, I am saying it because you seem to think selfish men are the norm.

BettysLeftTentacle · 28/05/2019 15:51

it’s all in my head because of my pms and that he came back a day early to help out – implication being that I should be grateful

So he’s not only an entitled, selfish prick, he’s a misogynistic one too.

What’s the point of having him around? It’d be easier on your own.

kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:53

Cherrysoup I do try and remind him of this, and I think he's aware of it. I need to remind him that being enabled and taking the piss are two different things.
Hadalifeonce - I am planning a holiday! Though it is such a mission that it's almost not worth the effort. Last time I escaped for a few days I had to co ordinate 5 adults (DH, MIL, FIL, DM and childminder) to handle the childcare, and I came back to discover both DCs had nits. Grin

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 28/05/2019 15:56

I was discussing something similar this morning, If I was away, I used to sort out food, childcare and anything else. If DH was away, he used to just go. Perhaps you shouldn't sort out anything, just to educate him as to what is involved in being a parent?

FrenchJunebug · 28/05/2019 15:57

Defo a twat. Get a car for you. What do you get out of being with him?!

kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:57

billy1966 he cares very much for the kids and is great with them when he's with them. He's an amazing dad (when he's around) and they adore him. I just wish he would choose to be around a bit more.

OP posts:
IDrinkAndISewThings · 28/05/2019 15:57

@Cherrysoup said it best - he works (in his job) so hard so that you (the family) can have this great lifestyle. Only - YOU - don't have the great lifestyle, he does, and the kids do, but you're essentially a facilitator making sure the bills are paid, the home is kept, the family is fed, the children are raised, and all the fucking arrangements that life requires are arranged! He needs to realise that a nice house with nice furnishings and nice clothes does NOT equal a 'nice lifestyle' - they equate to a pretty prison cell and scrubs when you feel trapped at home by an absent partner

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 28/05/2019 15:58

He's a selfish cunt, OP, and unlikely to change.

kooklet · 28/05/2019 16:00

hadalifeonce - this exactly! I think it's pretty much universal.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/05/2019 16:00

A man who acts like this is not an amazing dad Hmm

ReanimatedSGB · 28/05/2019 16:01

I'd suggest doing some research and fact-finding about what it would be like to end your marriage - whether it would be better for you to take the DC and leave or whether to make him leave; how you would manage financially, whether he is likely to pay maintenance or try to duck out of it. You don't have to act on the information, at least not straight away, but it's good to have it.
Because if he's decided that you are his servant, and you and DC are props to support his image of himself as Happily Married Father, therefore you only exist for his benefit, then that's a difficult mindset to change. A lot of men also seem to think that, because they 'work hard for money' they are more important than their partners, who work hard but either do not earn any direct income or earn less than The Man Of The House because they are doing everything else to make his working life run smoothly.

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