To think my DH is BU

[kooklet]

Long time lurker – this is my first foray into actual chat…deep breath...

Some background; DH has a high pressure job, works long hours, is often away on business. I am self employed and work at home: the vast majority of childcare falls to me. 2 kids, one with ASD, both at school. DH takes them to school 1 morning a week. I do the rest, bar the odd weekend when I have to work.

My issue is that my DH puts himself first. All. The. Time. So far this year, he’s done a five day stag bender, at least 5 weekends of stuff with his mates (uni reunion, birthdays, weddings etc), six days in the US on a (non-essential) work trip over the Easter holidays, which he left for the day after DC became A&E level unwell. On top of this there are the business trips abroad, often at weekends. Last night, he got back from a 4 day festival: he left me with both kids, one of whom is again ill, and no car on a half term BH weekend. It wouldn’t irritate me so much if he saw the kids during the week, but he doesn’t.

I’m miffed. I voiced my displeasure before he left for this bloody festival. When he got back he asked if I was still angry and when I assented and tried to explain why I was put out, he stormed off and avoided me for the rest of the evening. He then texts me this morning, telling me that he’s upset because I’ve held a grudge over the entire weekend, it’s all in my head because of my pms and that he came back a day early to help out – implication being that I should be grateful. He didn’t come back a day early – he didn’t have today off work ffs. Am I going mental, or is he being a twat?

C0untDucku1a he can definitely manage! And I don't HAVE to micromanage anything I suppose. It's just the default situation now because I've let it become so. I'm complicit in this shitshow because I've allowed it to happen. Ugh. I feel so thick!

Ffs I despair what some people have to tolerate in their sham partnerships with useless pricks such as this poor woman's husband. No fucking way would I ever tolerate a man telling me to fuck off I'd probably secretly dream of punching them in the face. His belongings would be on the front lawn and the locks changed within 24 hours.
Don't tolerate this OP get a lawyer consultation stat

"I’m a bit gobsmacked at how he’s just spoken to me tbh. "
Well, he's not used to the staff revolting, y'see.

"I'm complicit in this shitshow because I've allowed it to happen."
NO, NO, NO!! Do not start thinking like this! You loved and trusted him, which you should have been able to do. He used that love and trust to manipulate the situation so that he got everything he wanted and you made it happen.

You were not complicit - you were exploited. This is not your fault - this is his. All his.

Ugh this is weird. I'm having some sort of crazy physical reaction to all of this. My whole body is shaking and my fingers have gone purple. Mental.

You aren’t complicit in anything. You’ve been bullied by a very selfish man who you loved.
I would leave for tonight, you don’t need to pack much. Just leave a note saying I never signed up for this, and I never imagined I’d end up in a relationship where someone treated me like this. They are OUR children, not my sole responsibility.

It’s the shock and the stress @kooklet. When somebody shows you who they are and you hear them for the first time, it’s like a physical punch to the face.

If you think your kids will be safe and cared for with him, definitely pack that bag and go to a hotel.

I’d love to see my kids for 10 minutes in the morning while sipping my coffee. That’d be the life. It’d be so easy to smile lovingly at them and award myself a parent of the year medal. But it’s not really parenting is it?
Instead Im: where the hell are your shoes you were wearing them 10 seconds ago!! Do NOT push your brother!! Mummy is shouting because she’s late to work AGAIN.

@BettysLeftTentacle he's gone to bed. And he'll get up in the morning and go straight to work. He won't even realise I'm not here. So no, I'm not confident the kids will be safe, let alone well cared for. Am going to suggest counselling to him in the morning when he's being less of a wanker. Hopefully.

I would suggest counselling by email from your hotel room tomorrow night. When he sees you leave so knows he is in charge of his children.

I wouldn't leave him in charge of young children who need actual care (nappies/ help with dressing/food making for them) i wouldn't trust him with it. It sounds like even when he's had them on his own he has had support from grandparents etc.

He doesn't sound like the kind of man who is going to be open to the idea of counselling. Sorry you are going through this op.

Oh OP. So sorry he’s been such an aggressive, nasty prick.

I don’t think there is any reasoning with someone that selfish and entitled and intent on lashing out.

Please begin to research your options.

Morning planned out exactly as predicted. DH got up, spent all of 4 minutes with DC1 before going to work. DC2 still asleep so no joy for him...glad I didn’t go to a hotel last night-DH would have left the kids alone at home!😐

OP at this point you really need to have a look at the relationships board and contact Womens Aid.
Do not antagonise him.
Use the time he is at work to find and copy all the financial information you can. Evidence of salary and tax returns. Bills, expenses, pension, costs of hobbies and excursions.
A pp asked what bad advice you had here and the answer is none, so far, but AIBU can sometimes be a bit tricky.
The relationships board is full of women who have been exactly where you are and contains lots of very useful information based on experience of going through the same thing.

A weekend in a hotel is not going to change him. Nor is counselling.

Realistically, there are two options. One is you learn to live like this for the rest of your life. Two is you leave him.

@endofthelinefinally I will. Thanks for the advice and please forgive my ignorance...all of this is very new to me!

@kooklet there’s nothing to forgive. Have you ever heard of “boiling frog syndrome”? That’s what your life with this man has been like. It’s not your fault because how could you know? He’s gaslighted you to think this is all you deserve.

Well it’s not. You sound like a wonderful Mum and I’m guessing you would never treat or speak to your children with such contempt and so little courtesy and respect as your DH does to you. Time to put a stop to it.

I know you will see this as hugely jumping ten steps down the line, but endoftheline is 100% right in what you shoudl actually be doing today.

What your H d you last night is that as long as you toe the line, he's ok. As in, fairly happy, fairly oblivious to you, takes you for granted (that counts as the nice version of him... )

Once you show the slightest sign of not toeing the line, he is aggressive, swears at you, gaslights you, minimises - demonstrates that not only has he no intention of listening to your opinion (and certainly not giving one shit that you, his wife, clearly feel unhappy) but that he will shout you down and attack you to get you to shut up.

If, if you were to get to the stage where he thought that you might actually try and leave, he would, 100%, go on the attack. That, amer things, would mean financially.

You may never need it, but PLEASE spend today absolutely digging into finances. Do you have access? Joint accounts? Joint savings? Find, photograph, copy everything you can - before this even gets to the stage where it occurs to him that he might need to try and stitch you up.

You now know what he's like.

Agree with PP, get all the financial information, passports, birth certificates etc and keep in a safe place or give to DM or friend.
Even if you choose to go counseling route, it is good to know what is what.

Why would there be more admin to do when you go away? The whole point is that he needs to deal with it. Does he organise help for you when he goes away?

He probably thinks "last time OP went away, it was easy - our families did loads of childcare for us, and I did a whole day by myself (aren't I amazing?), and then she came back. Why is she always complaining about this?". Of course, it was only easy for him because you'd been running around like a blue-arsed flying putting everything in place.

i think this is why he is doing this.

I know it seems hard but he really isn't a decent father, He doesn't really care about his kids by the looks of it.

Are you ok op?

How are things op?

Frosty! For now I’m biting my tongue and biding my time-we have booked counselling, which he readily agreed to, and he’s been pretty proactive about addressing other issues. He’s also made a real effort to get home and see the kids, so he is trying! Which gives me hope. Still don’t think he respects me or understands my anger though, so hopefully that’s something we can work through with then counsellor. Work in progress. Thank you for asking though. It’s been a bit of a bonkers week 😬

Best of luck this week @kooklet.

I’m in an almost identical situation as we speak. Was hit by the enormity of how completely unacceptable my situation is a month or so ago and am starting to see just how I got “boiled alive” in an abusive relationship without even knowing it. Gave my husband an ultimatum and he’s finally agreed. He started anger management last week and we start couples counselling this week.

To be honest I don’t think he can change. And even if he could I don’t know if I’m prepared to continue to waste more of my time while he works it out. So much damage has been done and I don’t even think I love him anymore. This is just my story but maybe yours will be different.

I will say this though. Counselling could be a safer way out of the marriage for you rather than a way to stay together. It will be hard not to return to your default to minimise his behaviour and play up his alleged good points (eg. saying he’s an excellent father when he’s not) to the counsellor. But you MUST stick to the facts about your grim reality and be honest. He will try to manipulate the situation and recreate history to suit himself. He’s already doing it when he claims he sees the kids all the time. Read this thread again before you go in. List the things he does that are abusive. None of what our husbands do is acceptable. It’s just what we’ve been trained to believe.

Let us know how it goes. I would wager there will continue to be many parallels between your and my experiences with counselling.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

Counselling doesn't work when there's abuse, so tread carefully. A good counsellor will spot if the man is abusive and refuse to treat the couple any further.