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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DH is BU

127 replies

kooklet · 28/05/2019 15:25

Long time lurker – this is my first foray into actual chat…deep breath...

Some background; DH has a high pressure job, works long hours, is often away on business. I am self employed and work at home: the vast majority of childcare falls to me. 2 kids, one with ASD, both at school. DH takes them to school 1 morning a week. I do the rest, bar the odd weekend when I have to work.

My issue is that my DH puts himself first. All. The. Time. So far this year, he’s done a five day stag bender, at least 5 weekends of stuff with his mates (uni reunion, birthdays, weddings etc), six days in the US on a (non-essential) work trip over the Easter holidays, which he left for the day after DC became A&E level unwell. On top of this there are the business trips abroad, often at weekends. Last night, he got back from a 4 day festival: he left me with both kids, one of whom is again ill, and no car on a half term BH weekend. It wouldn’t irritate me so much if he saw the kids during the week, but he doesn’t.

I’m miffed. I voiced my displeasure before he left for this bloody festival. When he got back he asked if I was still angry and when I assented and tried to explain why I was put out, he stormed off and avoided me for the rest of the evening. He then texts me this morning, telling me that he’s upset because I’ve held a grudge over the entire weekend, it’s all in my head because of my pms and that he came back a day early to help out – implication being that I should be grateful. He didn’t come back a day early – he didn’t have today off work ffs. Am I going mental, or is he being a twat?

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 16:03

Last time I escaped for a few days I had to co ordinate 5 adults (DH, MIL, FIL, DM and childminder) to handle the childcare, and I came back to discover both DCs had nits.

No, you didn't have to coordinate that.

You did it so that he wouldn't be thrown in the deep end and have to think 'How is this going to work? Who is free then? Where do they have to be? Who shall i call?'

And that's exactly what he needs to experience.

Basically you're shielding this person from ever actually having to parent. He's not a parent. He's being carried. So he really, really doesn't understand what you do and the effort it takes, and that always, always produces spoilt, entitled brat-husbands.

Tell him things need to change - you need equal, EQUAL time off and when it's outside of the normal working week, equal responsibility. If he doesn't think that's fair then no problem - you will go back to work full time. And after that you will probably, eventually, split up because who really wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who won't do their share? It does rather erode respect. And a man who doesn't know how to parent and take proper responsibility for his own kids is pathetic, no matter how much he earns.

kbPOW · 28/05/2019 16:06

What SGB said. He's not an amazing dad. He's a rubbish dad and a shit partner. I hate it when people answer posts like yours OP saying book yourself a spa day and bugger off to Ibiza for a long weekend. Becoming an equally shit parent is not the answer. If you bank on him having the children every other weekend and one night in the week, that's the most you can expect from this selfish tosspot. And by the way, he KNOWS he's being a selfish arsehole. His response to you being unhappy is strategic.

Original poster

kooklet · 28/05/2019 16:06

Thanks for all the replies - I feel vindicated. Though it does get me thinking as to what constitutes unreasonable behaviour. He says to me all the time that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. So I'm going to. It'll probably make me a lot happier and less inclined to spend time focusing on him!

OP posts:

Magenta82 · 28/05/2019 16:08

he cares very much for the kids and is great with them when he's with them. He's an amazing dad (when he's around) and they adore him.

This is because he gets to be the "fun parent" off the back of all of your hard work.

He isn't parenting them, he is acting like an uncle or grandparent who gets to swan in and do all the enjoyable stuff with none of the responsibility.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 16:09

And nope. He is a crap dad. He is absolutely the definition of a very, very poor and uninvolved parent. 'when he's around'-? That's kind of the point. Good dads are around. Good dads of young children who work hard would be planning breaks where both of you take the kids camping, because, shock horror, they want to BE WITH THEM on their downtime and have fun. Not go to fucking festivals. The kids adore him - really? Of course they do. They probably feel extra excited at seeing him in the way one might feel about a lovely uncle who visits occasionally. What they won't feel with him is necessarily secure, listened to, or that he knows them. They'll come to you if they need a parent. That's awful.

MRex · 28/05/2019 16:09

Do you like him at all any more? It's ok not to, I can't imagine why he thinks this level of selfishness is ok, but it's bound to affect your feelings.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 28/05/2019 16:09

If he was an Uncle then I would says he was an amazing Uncle but an amazing Dad doesn’t choose to take that much time away from the kids.

How many days has be spent with the kids. About the same as if he had them one night a week and every other weekend or less? It’s easy to be the amazing Disney Dad when you don’t have to do tooth brushing, health eating, homework and all the other necessary but boring stuff.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 16:11

Oh - and he won't get these years back, or the memories they build, or the love and trust that they set the foundations for. Maybe start telling him that. Thing is though, you already see in his actions just how much he really wants to be with them, so maybe that's your answer.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2019 16:11

There's a difference between being good with the kids when he's there and be an amazing dad OP, being an amazing dad includes sacrificing things he wants to do alot of the time so he's there with and for them, it's knowing what he has to do to look after them properly when you're not around or even if you are, It's being unselfish. He doesn't sound like an amazing dad.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2019 16:12

I think it's pretty much universal.

It's not universal. When I go away for work I come back to a clean house, a fully stocked fridge, a happy nit-free child, and a lovely husband.

Now I have to go and tell DH how wonderful he is. And he knows what's going on so he'll say, "was some bloke being a twat on Mumsnet?" Yes, DH, yes he was.

IsAStormApporaching · 28/05/2019 16:13

I could not under any circumstance tolerate that from my dh regardless of how much I love him. He would be gone.

And if you did seperate, by the sound of it, the children would see their father more often on his acess time than he does now.

Also if you separated, you would have a bit of free time when they are with their dad, you would have none of 'd'hs Secretary/ maid shenanigans.
Relationships are about giving and taking not just one person taking.

Oh and as for you going away, you book and you let everyone stress about childcare etc like he does.
When he buggers off does he arrange anything for you?

Think about what you get from the relationship OP.

BettysLeftTentacle · 28/05/2019 16:13

He isnt a good Dad OP. A good Dad isn’t an absent one and a good Dad treats the mother of his children with consideration and respect.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/05/2019 16:13

he cares very much for the kids and is great with them when he's with them. He's an amazing dad (when he's around) and they adore him.

No he doesn’t and he isn’t. He’s a selfish shit who acts like a single man and gets away from them and you for his own enjoyment whenever he wants to. He also disrespects their mother. In what way does this make him a caring, great and amazing dad? Open your eyes and see the reality.

BettysLeftTentacle · 28/05/2019 16:14

And it ISNT universal. I personally know no men that behave like this. None.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2019 16:17

Also, if my DH thought I wasn't happy about him going away and leaving me with the kids, he wouldn't go.

JoJoSM2 · 28/05/2019 16:17

It really, really isn't on. My DH works insane hours in a very demanding job. Yet, the second he gets home, he gets stuck in + I need to kick him out of the house at weekends to indulge in his hobbies for a few hours as otherwise, he just wouldn't ever do anything for himself.

In your shoes, I wouldn't carry on with the relationship. But if you can't see yourself moving on, then just get a nanny so that you have time to yourself. I don't think there's anything you can do to make him be a bit less shit as a husband and father - he'd need to want to change.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2019 16:18

I think it's pretty much universal.

It really isn't...

Original poster

kooklet · 28/05/2019 16:18

MRex right now, not very much! I still fancy him though, which is a biggie. At the moment, he's doing a much better job at being a dad than being a husband!

Everyone else - he does take the kids every so often. If I'm working he'll have them for the weekend. I'd say he's around more often that not, the annoyance comes from the fact that he thinks that doing what he wants when he wants is a god given right.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 16:21

No, not universal here either.

No decent parent thinks they get to do exactly what they want and if that makes life difficult for the other parent tough shit. Which is exactly what you describe.

isthatabloborwhat · 28/05/2019 16:22

The next time he says I work so hard for us all to have this nice lifestyle then you need to point out rather forcefully that he has a nice lifestyle but actually yours is chock-full of childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry and being the default parent 24/7.

Tell him that you are going away for the weekend. Book a budget hotel room somewhere for a saturday night in a nice city to visit like Canterbury or Lincoln or somewhere. Get up at the crack of dawn on the saturday morning, take the car and go. And arrive back home very late on the sunday night. Better still make it a mon-fri short break

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 28/05/2019 16:22

Timeblock a calendar with his time off, your time, kids time, etc as a visual thing for him, maybe?

Let him see how much he has his own time.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 28/05/2019 16:22

It's easy to look like an amazing Dad when he doesn't have to deal with any of the boring day to day stuff and actual parenting. All he provides is money and probably a bit of rough housing before he sods off again and leaves you to clean up the mess. An actual amazing Dad would be there for the kids as much as possible. He's not a very good partner or husband, let alone father. More of an acquaintance who happens to live in the same house.
Perhaps you need to go away for a holiday and do not arrange anything for him. Let him know obviously that this is happening. Do not be swayed by any illness on his or the children's parts. Do not suggest childcare or engage in planning.
Good luck.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 28/05/2019 16:26

he thinks that doing what he wants when he wants is a god given right

Time to disabuse him of that notion then.

Original poster

kooklet · 28/05/2019 16:28

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt this is a good plan. I will do this! Thank you.
I will also make sure that I sort no childcare / meals / dogsitting / laundry before my holiday. If I ever get round to booking it...
Right. I have to walk the dog and get the kids. Thank you all again for your replies. A LOT to take in. xx

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 28/05/2019 16:29

he does take the kids every so often. If I'm working he'll have them for the weekend.

You make him sound like a helpful neighbour rather than a parent

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