To think my DH is BU

[kooklet]

Long time lurker – this is my first foray into actual chat…deep breath...

Some background; DH has a high pressure job, works long hours, is often away on business. I am self employed and work at home: the vast majority of childcare falls to me. 2 kids, one with ASD, both at school. DH takes them to school 1 morning a week. I do the rest, bar the odd weekend when I have to work.

My issue is that my DH puts himself first. All. The. Time. So far this year, he’s done a five day stag bender, at least 5 weekends of stuff with his mates (uni reunion, birthdays, weddings etc), six days in the US on a (non-essential) work trip over the Easter holidays, which he left for the day after DC became A&E level unwell. On top of this there are the business trips abroad, often at weekends. Last night, he got back from a 4 day festival: he left me with both kids, one of whom is again ill, and no car on a half term BH weekend. It wouldn’t irritate me so much if he saw the kids during the week, but he doesn’t.

I’m miffed. I voiced my displeasure before he left for this bloody festival. When he got back he asked if I was still angry and when I assented and tried to explain why I was put out, he stormed off and avoided me for the rest of the evening. He then texts me this morning, telling me that he’s upset because I’ve held a grudge over the entire weekend, it’s all in my head because of my pms and that he came back a day early to help out – implication being that I should be grateful. He didn’t come back a day early – he didn’t have today off work ffs. Am I going mental, or is he being a twat?

At most, he's a Disney dad. If he's got you convinced the way he behaves is what being an "amazing dad" looks like then he's done a real number on you.

Do you think it won't affect your children to grow up wondering why their dad is rarely interested in spending time with them? That they won't notice his complete lack of interest? Won't realise he doesn't know them at all?

I would encourage you to think seriously about how you would like your life to be ten or twenty years from now.

I second buggering off on holiday yourself and NOT sorting it all out first. Leave him to be a parent instead of another child.

And yes, you have enabled this for so long he won't change his ways without a fight.

He 'works hard' - so do you!!!

Tell him if he wants a single life; he can have one. Bye bye!!!

And anyone who chooses to run away from family life is not a good father...

Make a calendar for the year so far. Cross out all the days he has been away for fun in red. Cross out work trips in black. Circle the days he takes the children to school in purple.

maybe he needs to see how little contact he is having with his family.

I suspect it's less that the kids adore him and more that they're completely insecure in his love for them and are desperately trying to please him on the rare occasions he is around, plus the fact he's doing sod all actual parenting - does he EVER

make them do homework

go to bed on time

Discipline them over a long period

Listen to their worries about a friendship fallout or school

Care for them when they're sick/injured?

I'm guessing not.

Could he even tell anyone asking his children's favourite toy/film/book? Who their current best friend is? What subject they're best/worst at in school? Again I strongly suspect not.

He sounds a pretty shit partner and dad to me!!

Help out!!

Oh how lovely of him to help out with his own kids, you’ve got a good one there OP. You need to book a spa weekend or something to your taste and just head off so he can ‘babysit’ his kids one weekend as i’m Sure he’d put it.

If he's doing something like that, it's unacceptable to leave you and the kids without transport while he gads off with the car. He needs to hire a car or get a lift or take public transport. It's totally unfair to inconvenience you and reduce the options of what you can do while he's away.

This was my experience too (I also work from home), and frequently when I did arrange something for me, exh would scupper it by simply not turning up on time so it had to be cancelled. That was never his fault, as the traffic was terrible, so he never needed to apologise or make it up to me.

Current bf has a nine-year-old he looks after 50-50 with his exw. He works hard, but always prioritises his daughter before work, is fully reliable, and owns a wide range of nit equipment. I had no idea...

Do you think your DH is set in his ways / defensive, or might he actually think about this and be persuaded to be more of a family man?

it’s all in my head because of my pms and that he came back a day early to help out

Urgh! What a nasty, woman-hating arsewipe.

So, he gets to live the life of a single manchild (no responsibilities for the family, he's outsourced all of them to you) and you get to live the life of a single parent (all the responsibilities, mentally exhausted)?

Fuck. That. Shit.

Do NOT under any circumstances show him this thread.
Post in relationships and you will get very good advice.

I have been a parent with a very hands off father and I am currently a single parent.

It does not sound to me like the OP is a single parent. Very different (in good ways and bad ways) to 100% single parenting!!

Do NOT under any circumstances show him this thread.

What bad advice has she gotten here?

He sounds like a helpful and supportive uncle not a dad. Sounds like the kids are your job and any "help" he offers he considers an act of extreme kindness for which he deserves gratitude.

Last time I escaped for a few days I had to co ordinate 5 adults (DH, MIL, FIL, DM and childminder) to handle the childcare, and I came back to discover both DCs had nits.

Why would you organise this? These are my dates dh, you’ll have to take the time off work or arrange something. Byeeee. Oh and If I come home to a tip I will throw every piece of rubbish and crap at you one by one while screaming apparently I can do whatever I want SAYS YOU , but I can’t because you need 24 hour fucking facilitating and take no responsibility for our actual life. and any medical problems such as nits you come back to are his problem. Suggest he book an extra day off after you get back if he doesn’t think he can maintain basic standards so he can put everything through the wash, shampoo their hair etc.

I mean - does he do it for you anyway? The answer to that is ask him to take a lower stress job, say it’s fine we can tighten our belts, it’s more important the kids see you. I bet he won’t be keen. He doesn’t do it for you, he does it for himself. (In addition to the does what for you exactly ? What are the lifestyle benefits of being an unpaid unvalued housekeeper cook nanny 24/7? My dh year’s ago tried ‘I’m doing it for us’. Most self centred arsehole comment ever.

I am planning a holiday! Though it is such a mission that it's almost not worth the effort. Last time I escaped for a few days I had to co ordinate 5 adults (DH, MIL, FIL, DM and childminder) to handle the childcare

And once again you enabled him, you should have delegated all that for him to sort out (as you do every other day). He is their father who has an equal responsibility to his kids, not someone who is helping you out or doing you a favour!

Definitely not universal. Not if you marry an adult, rather than an entitled manbaby.

I couldn't, and wouldn't, live like this.

My kids know that their Dad loves them as he always priorities spending time with them. Great Dad my arse.

Please don't show him this thread. He'll take absolutely no notice of anything we say if he is happy to treat you like this.

Last time I escaped for a few days I had to co ordinate 5 adults (DH, MIL, FIL, DM and childminder) to handle the childcare, and I came back to discover both DCs had nits

Never had to organise anything for childcare etc if I am not here. Dh just does it. Knew when to feed them when they were little, didn't need lists or reminders because he has been fully involved since day 1.

Dh went to the supermarket yesterday with a partial basics list and got those as well as many more suitable items for half term lunches. He took Ds2 (13) with him as Ds1 is revising for his GCSEs. He prioritises being here on an evening. Gets up early and out the door so he can be back for dinner which we eat together.

You need to just book your holiday and go. Your Dh would never arrange childcare when he was away would he?

It is excellent that you are self-employed, so have a career and the ability to support yourself, whatever happens.

There's no point showing him the thread because he'll be annoyed, dismissive and may become angry with OP and suspicious of her motives. Someone with such a low opinion of women (see his 'pms' comment and notion of 'helping' with his own DC) will not be impressed by the comments of anyone here. He'll say we're bitter, ugly, sexually-frustated hags, taking out our own frustrations on other people's lives.

OP may find MN (especially the relationships section) very helpful in future. She should not alert her DH to her use of the site, so compromise her own privacy here, or the usefulness to her of the site.

Sounds like a wankbadger misogynist waste of space to me. NOT a good dad at all.

He has no respect for you.

If I'm working he'll have them for the weekend.

What do you mean have them for the weekend? He looks after his own children occasionally when you're not available? His medal for Dad of the Year is in the mail..

My DH used to have the, I work hard for the family to have nice things attitude, until I told him that's not much good if the family isn't here.

He's an amazing dad (when he's around)

No, he’s not. An “amazing Dad” is someone like my DH who worked shifts as frontline emergency services for 30 years, did his fair share of parenting even though I “only” worked p/t (and then became disabled) looked after me and dd every time I had surgery, learned how to do a ballet bun for dd for when I couldn’t AND broke the cycle of his abusive upbringing to become the most wonderful Dad. He and dd truly adore each other and I love that.

Like @mrsterrypratchett he’ll say “another immature sexist twat?” if I tell him about this thread.

Your DH sounds like a selfish gaslighting arsehole manchild who thinks you should be grateful for the crumbs he drops. Sorry, OP.

Viques - good idea. I will do this now and calmly present to him this evening.

LottieGarbanzo - wise words. Thinking about it, showing him this thread will just make him think that I am being mental.
Graphista - yes to homework and all the school stuff and favourite things. No to everything else...
All these replies are fascinating. I thought the life I led was quite standard. Evidently not!