To think my DH is BU

[kooklet]

Long time lurker – this is my first foray into actual chat…deep breath...

Some background; DH has a high pressure job, works long hours, is often away on business. I am self employed and work at home: the vast majority of childcare falls to me. 2 kids, one with ASD, both at school. DH takes them to school 1 morning a week. I do the rest, bar the odd weekend when I have to work.

My issue is that my DH puts himself first. All. The. Time. So far this year, he’s done a five day stag bender, at least 5 weekends of stuff with his mates (uni reunion, birthdays, weddings etc), six days in the US on a (non-essential) work trip over the Easter holidays, which he left for the day after DC became A&E level unwell. On top of this there are the business trips abroad, often at weekends. Last night, he got back from a 4 day festival: he left me with both kids, one of whom is again ill, and no car on a half term BH weekend. It wouldn’t irritate me so much if he saw the kids during the week, but he doesn’t.

I’m miffed. I voiced my displeasure before he left for this bloody festival. When he got back he asked if I was still angry and when I assented and tried to explain why I was put out, he stormed off and avoided me for the rest of the evening. He then texts me this morning, telling me that he’s upset because I’ve held a grudge over the entire weekend, it’s all in my head because of my pms and that he came back a day early to help out – implication being that I should be grateful. He didn’t come back a day early – he didn’t have today off work ffs. Am I going mental, or is he being a twat?

Viques is a good idea. I suspect you’d have to go away every second weekend for the rest of the year to end up equal days away.

Oh also, an oft-repeated line here but a useful one. It's unlikely that he really works hard 'for the family'. Especially if he has a high-flying career, it is very likely that he'd have pursued the same career and worked as hard, were he single.

People work for personal satisfaction, status, money, lifestyle, social and intellectual stimulation, to grant themselves the freedom that status and money bring etc, as well as to support the other people they choose to live with.

It's not so much that you make his career possible, you do but he'd have it anyway. You make his having a family possible. Without you and all your career and personal sacrifices, he (with this career that doubtless is such an integral part of his identity) could not have children.

he does take the kids every so often. If I'm working he'll have them for the weekend. 'takes the kids' .. they're his bloody kids! He's not 'taking' them as a treat to you to give you a break, or because he wants to. Because he is forced to parent. How you cal him a good dad is beyond me.

He doesn't sound like an actual parent. He sounds like your helper or friend who'll chip in now and again but only when it suits him.

The life you lead is certainly one kind of normal - you are not unique. The job, the hours, the expectation of everything being facilitated by a woman. My impression is that, even within that context, your DH's time spent on leisure trips away is high, his lack of apparent desire for 'family time' all together, low.

Many of us don't live like that, share parenting far more equally and find that normal amongst the people we know.

Surely, if he's so Busy and Important and able to afford to go on five day stag benders and festival tickets (because if it was something like Bearded Theory, they ain't cheap, even before you add on things like car parking, travel, tipi hire, furnishings if you aren't already buying a tent and equipment the cost of showers, food, drink and the festival tut people like to buy), it's not that much of a stretch for you to have a car as well?

Are we sure he doesn't have a secret second family??

Hannonie not beyond possibility. A few threads like that and I've known of a case in real life with a "busy" man with a job that involved a lot of travelling/time away from "home" - all came out when he died travelling from one family to the other! Total shock to both women and sets of children.

It's rare but does happen.

Graphista - yes to homework and all the school stuff and favourite things. No to everything else...

Yea that's "beloved uncle" territory not "involved and genuinely responsible and caring father"

I’m 99% sure there’s no one else involved. There are always photos of what he’s been up to of a weekend. For the kids, obvs. The rest of the time he’s in the office.

My DS' dad is a good dad. A great dad. He sees DS at least once a week, is almost always available when I want to go out, pays decent maintenance, knows and understands the things that DS cares about, cooks for him, listens to him and loves him to bits. He doesn't live with DS and me but he is there for his DS - and, to an extent, supportive of me as well. (We were old drinking mates when DS was conceived and basically have a family-ish relationship now, though we would probably kill each other if we tried to be a couple.)

The bar really doesn't need to be set so low.

I’m not sure I could fancy my husband if he behaved like yours. It’s a really good line to spin that he’s working hard for the family. He’d still have to work if single. Plus when he has the kids you’re working. He’s not doing you a favour. His attitude sounds shit to be honest. I’ve found a lot of men seem to find it very easy to make sure they secure enough of time for themselves whereas women seem to find this harder. He sounds like he does the bear minimum.

I don't think you need to co-ordinate the whole thing just because you are having a holiday. What does he co-ordinate for you when he goes away? I'm guessing it's nothing. Book yourself some time away, give him enough notice but don't feel you have to shop, prepare, line up child care - leave him to it. He is their parent too, there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to manage.

If you were the nanny and not the wife, you'd have to be provided with a car to drive them round in and with 4 or 5 weeks of holiday, for which you would not need to arrange substitute childcare. Think about that. At the very least I'd expect a blank cheque for things that make your life easier.

He’s living the life of a bachelor.

You can do whatever you want whenever you want. Great, next time he is planning to go to a festival or whatever, you say no actually I have plans. Then make plans and go. Don't put anything in place to help him. He needs to understand that you are not his staff.

I’m not sure I could fancy my husband if he behaved like yours.

This. I couldn’t fancy a man I didn't respect and I certainly couldn’t respect a man who treated me like shit.

God, it's so sad you thought it was normal to be treated like crap and to be told you're mental for taking issue with it.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Bloody hell. DH rocked in at 9.45, just as I was putting DC to bed. Rolls in, exchanges a few words with DC and starts making dinner. For himself. Tells me about his day. Doesn’t ask about mine. So far, so standard. We sit down, and I try to convey why I’m annoyed. He shouts me down, telling me that I agreed to this, I have no right to be annoyed (he never asked me if this festival was ok, merely informed me). He then tells me I’m being ludicrous for being annoyed about the car, and that all I do is complain. When he called me over the weekend, I complained. When he got back, I complained, even though he came back a day early. At this point I’m in tears, as he’s now just being mean. Ffs, he literally can’t see that I have anything to complain about. I then mention that I’ve made a calendar, and before I can even show it to him he’s all like, “yeah of course you have because you want to show me how much you do and how I do nothing” - dripping with sarcasm and vitriol. Again, he tells me he needs to see his friends, and I need to see mine and I should just fucking go away. So I tell him that when I do go away it involves a tonne of extra admin at which point he tells me I’m a control freak and he stopped bothering to offer to help she’s ago because whatever he did was never good enough for me. I then tell him that I think he’s not around enough for the kids. He says ‘I’m here all the time’ at which point I laugh. Literally giggling. It’s risible. Having finished his dinner, he says ‘fuck you’ and storms off.
That went well...current mood, figuring out whether I can be bothered to pack a bag and go spend the night in a hotel. I’m a bit gobsmacked at how he’s just spoken to me tbh.

Well done for standing up to him and not backing down. People like him rely on others opting for the quiet life of acqiuencing to his selfish ways.

It stops now.

He's showing you who he really is. Take note.

Yes I'd go for the hotel.

He can worry bout the childcare tomorrow too - don't come rushing back.

He lives his life because it's the way he wants it. It's not for you, or the kids, or anyone else.

Please take a weekend away. Let your DM know what you’re doing, just to make sure he doesn’t poison her against you. Take the time to think about your next steps. Do you have a friend you can go with? Or even your DM? Perhaps mention to MIL and FIL that you need to take a break, as you’re exhausted from doing everything while DH is away. You need as many allies as you can get, as I have no doubt that he’ll paint you out to be hugely selfish - although you’re obviously far from that. Be aware that he may spin a web of lies about you, to make himself look the injured party.

This is so depressing. Women who live with and marry shit head, arsehole, arrogant wankers and describe them as amazing.

Also, no going away doesnt take a tonne of extra admin ffs. You put on the calendar the weekend youre going away. On the friday you kiss your kids and wave goodbye.

You cannot possibly describe your husband as an amazing father, then have to micromanage him parenting his own children. Barely competent fathers can manage their own children alone for two days and nights. You're saying yours can’t even do that without your input?

I don't think he'll spin a web of lies - he genuinely seems to believe that I'm an unhinged fishwife. It's extraordinary. "I see the kids ALL THE TIME. I see them every morning ffs" - his exact words. He sees them for maybe ten minutes while he has his coffee!