To ask when children should use sex assigned toilets?

[newjobnerves]

I have 2 sons, we were at the cinema today and the 3 of us went to the toilet. They're 8 and 5. Today was the first day I felt uncomfortable with him being in the female toilets, I've never even thought for a second about it before, but it was a small toilet and there was a queue and he was stood next to a smaller girl and I realised how big and out of place he looked! I ended up sending him into the men's so he didn't have to queue and my DH was waiting outside (he didn't need to go otherwise they usually go with him)

Anyway this is a rather convoluted (and lighthearted!) thread asking when do you think girls and boys should use the "correct" toilets? I'm not a helicopter parent by any stretch but I do get a bit a nervous at the thought of him being out of sight if DH isn't with us. We are swimming tomorrow, DH is working and I believe 8 is the age at our local swimming pool.

I agree that it depends on location. When mine were little, there were definitely places where I was fine and places that were just no. For example, parts of the university I knew well and had to go to a lot sometimes with a kid in tow, I sent my DS in from about 5 or so and other places like on trips and places I didn't know well or were really big and busy where I was wary and avoided that. I think at our local cinemas, which tend to be small and quiet, I'd probably be okay with the 8-year-old or maybe the pair going in together with me standing outside though if their dad is there, he'd go in too.

Our local shopping centre has family toilets and 'parent areas' with changing tables and kids toilets which makes that easier with multiple kids, I used that until my youngest was 5 or so and would use it if I took only my 7-year-old DS there without his father or teen DS to take him into the men's toilets (though that's part wariness and part my 7-year-old's personality). I think those types and large single cubicles - family and just general ones - which have started being more common at family places around here would be good at places like cinemas as well. It is tricky, especially when they're growing can sneak up on us and some kids being more reliable than others.

I’d say about 8 years old but depends where tbh.
If it’s a restaurant then fine but if it’s public as in shopping centre toilets I’d say 9 .
There was a boy in the women’s changing /shower room at the gym the other day , he was atleast 12 or 13 . I felt really uncomfortable and so did my 8 year old .
I was meant to say something to staff on the way out but I forgot which has really annoyed me .
Will definitely do it straight away if it happens again.

Should add he was taller than me which made me feel even more uncomfortable!

1. I think most boys any older than that would be embarrassed at having to go in the ladies with mum anyway.

@Pk37 that's understandable, ours has signs saying 8 year olds to use the correct changing room.

@Aprillygirl I have to admit I feel a bit guilty I've never really asked him and he's the obedient sort that would just go along with what I was doing. It was an eye opening moment on many levels lol.

My son was 8, it was when he decided he felt ok doing it. But he did look 12 at that age and has always been tall so I expect people did think he was older when I took him in. You can never assume a child's age just by sight.

Also for the PP who wonders why it’s ok for a woman to check on a boy in the men’s toilets.

I still don't think you can dismiss that grown men might not want grown women in the men's toilets. I have zero problem with a child of either gender coming with their mum into the ladies. You have women here up in arms that boys (as young as 8 some people are complaining about) in the women's toilets saying that it breaks down their hard fought for rights. In this case you can't dismiss that men also have a right to privacy - especially when using a urinal!

ParrotWithACarrot unfortunately bad things happen in many places. That shouldn’t mean that teens/adults of the opposite gender should be going to another genders changing/toilet spaces

The first article you linked to was a 14 year old boy. Are you suggesting 14 year old boys should go into women’s toilets?

@Aprillygirl I have to admit I feel a bit guilty I've never really asked him and he's the obedient sort that would just go along with what I was doing. It was an eye opening moment on many levels lol.

Aw bless him. For the record I wouldn't have a problem with a boy up to secondary school age in the ladies,I just think for their sake you have to let go of the reins sometimes.

My DS has only recently started to use the men’s (he’s 9) and that’s because he wanted to and asked to. I’m a bit over protective and I’ve heard the horror stories of children alone in public toilets so it scares me a bit.

Tbh it's a no brainier if your dh was there. Send him? I've always done the toilet runs with our girls if we've been out and about but dh has been able to send them in to ladies alone from about 6 or 7 if I've not been there. Tbh I have never been too comfortable with them using the men's so only when they absolutely have to!

Why have we decided on EIGHT as the age at which children are mature enough to use public toilets and changing rooms alone? The NSPCC says that children are not mature enough to be left home alone until they’re about 12. I’d not let my child walk to school alone until he was about 10. I think this is absolutely nuts - especially as there are documented cases where children have been sexually assaulted by men in toilets/changing rooms (as highlighted by a PP). Young boys are definitely getting the rough end of the deal here and reading some of these responses there are obviously plenty of people out there who don’t give a shit about their safety 🙄

I have 6 and 3 year old boys BTW and let them go to the toilets on their own if I judge it to be ok to do so. They come into the family changing rooms at the swimming pool and will be for as long as they want to - my older DS (who is nearly 7) would get very upset if I made him go off on his own to get changed and would also probably spend a lot of time pratting around so from a practical POV not a good idea either!

Talking about the child's feelings on the subject, children with older siblings tend to feel this much younger than eldests I think. Which was annoying as our second is much less sensible!

Certainly my second child was sensitive to having older girls and women in the men's changing room from before he turned 10. It does make me angry that some mothers and grannies think "over 8s to use own sex changing room" means they are allowed in the men's once their sons turn 8. But that's a slightly different can of worms.

It seems particularly cowardly to challenge and attempt to shame small boys themselves about being in the ladies rather than confronting the adult they have obviously come in with

DS is 8 has been going to the gents by himself for a year or so. I do fret in some places because he has ASD and ADHD and I worry that it affects his ability to judge unsafe situations. He’s very determined though and I don’t want to stifle his confidence and independence.

BTW, the only time I’ve ever had a child poke their heads under a toilet door it was a girl. Two in fact, aged about 7 or 8, who crawled all the way under the wall partition, through my stall and out the other side! Grim.

Probably about 8 somewhere like the cinema. If I was somewhere I felt a bit dodgy then I would still take them with me.

I am fully supportive of single sex toilets but I have never turned a hair at a woman bringing a child into the women's toilets however old. I think it's best to err on the side of caution in this situation.

Mind you I'm still reeling from the thread where it suggested a 7 year old should be able to walk to school on their own including crossing a road....

My son is 8 and still comes into the ladies with me, he does look a bit old to most but he has autism. I cannot trust him to go in the male toilets alone also if I go to the toilet he has to come in with me as I cannot trust him to wait outside safely.

I’ve tried to encourage him to use the disabled loos but he says he can’t because he doesn’t have a wheelchair 🤣 I am fully aware that not all disabilities are visible but he is not!!

@ChoudeBruxelles and HavenoSocks

I think my post has been misinterpreted. I think boys are in as much danger as girls as children using toilets alone. I have a son and I have also been assaulted as a child in (female) toilets by two boys so the issue is significant for me.

My post was mainly in response to the PP who was basically saying she really couldn’t see the issue with any parent being concerned about sending a child alone into any toilet.

I do think from a safety point of view it is less problematic for a woman to enter a male toilet than the other way round as there has yet to be a reported case of a female entering a toilet of either sex category to sexually assault a child. On the contrary, there has been multiple instances of men entering female AND male spaces to assault both male and female children.

That does not mean it’s ok for anyone’s right to privacy to be taken away. But on balance, my view is that wherever there is a child, the female adult entering the incorrect space is the lesser of the evils.

I teach yr 3 I'm adament they don't walk to and from school on their own.

How do teachers know how anyone gets to school? I can understand how you know who picks them up (although at our local schools they are only released directly to an adult up to P3, from P4 on you don't see the teacher at all except at parent interviews).

I’ve tried to encourage him to use the disabled loos but he says he can’t because he doesn’t have a wheelchair 🤣 I am fully aware that not all disabilities are visible but he is not!!

Shootingstar I wonder when it'll occur to him that he doesn't have a vulva

Same issue with disabled loos and autism here but he flat out refuses the ladies' too.

@SmallHaddockAndChips
Firstly, the nspcc guidelines are the 12 year old not being left at home for Long periods of time, not not at all, everyone I know leaves their 12 year old home alone for a short amount of time.
Secondly, that isn't comparable whatsoever. The 12 year old at home alone is at risk of fire and burglary, and of dealing with both those issues on their own. A 12 year old in a public changing room/toilet does not have to deal with either of those issues on their own.
I would imagine 8 is deemed the cut off age in a changing room, because at 9 some girls have started puberty. It isn't right to put them through the humiliation of stripping naked (I'm talking changing room here, toilets are different imo as enclosed) in front of their male classmates.