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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask when children should use sex assigned toilets?

163 replies

newjobnerves · 27/05/2019 18:52

I have 2 sons, we were at the cinema today and the 3 of us went to the toilet. They're 8 and 5. Today was the first day I felt uncomfortable with him being in the female toilets, I've never even thought for a second about it before, but it was a small toilet and there was a queue and he was stood next to a smaller girl and I realised how big and out of place he looked! I ended up sending him into the men's so he didn't have to queue and my DH was waiting outside (he didn't need to go otherwise they usually go with him)

Anyway this is a rather convoluted (and lighthearted!) thread asking when do you think girls and boys should use the "correct" toilets? I'm not a helicopter parent by any stretch but I do get a bit a nervous at the thought of him being out of sight if DH isn't with us. We are swimming tomorrow, DH is working and I believe 8 is the age at our local swimming pool.

OP posts:
Attache · 28/05/2019 01:56

ClarkeMurphy our infants have mixed sex toilets whereas juniors (so age 7+) have single sex toilets.

I can't see why a boy would ever need to go into the girls' loos or vice versa, though I'm not familiar with what's normal in a through primary.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 28/05/2019 02:32

I do think that if there's a parent of the same sex available then they should always take them to the correct toilet for their sex, but otherwise I'd take them with me until they're competent on their own. Probably around 6 or 7 as that was the age my DD was able to take herself to the toilet and when she started being uncomfortable changing around boys.

Dana28 · 28/05/2019 04:23

Adults wouldn't mind a boy of 8 in the wrong sex changing room
Speak for yourself. I have on several occasions challenged boys in female changing rooms and toilets, asking if they were girls and then telling them when they say nothat they are not allowed to be in the ladies facilities

Lucyccfc68 · 28/05/2019 04:58

My DS is 13 and goes in the men's toilets in most places, except at football matches. There is no way he is going in on his own - he doesn't feel comfortable or confident enough. It can be really intimidating and he doesn't feel safe in such close proximity to lots of blokes who have been drinking.

No one has ever said anything to me when he has come in the ladies with me and I would challenge anyone who said anything to him or me.

Boulezvous · 28/05/2019 05:07

I don't understand how people say never alone! I'm divorced and have a DS and a DD. If we were out and about or on holiday etc how would I have managed to escort my son into the toilets? By taking my DD too? Or leaving her all alone outside? Of course my son had to go in alone. I didn't like it but I didn't have a choice. Some of you are so couple centric you really have no idea what it's like to be a single parent.

On age, he decided and he was about 8. There's no way he would've let me go in with him.

QueenBlueberries · 28/05/2019 05:23

Depends on the place. About 8 I think, however Ds’s Friend was ‘flashed’ in cinema toilet (the man was caught and arrested) so whenever we go to a cinema I am very cautious. Large shopping centres too. So maybe a bit older for those.

Becles · 28/05/2019 08:19

@Lucyccfc68

My DS is 13 and goes in the men's toilets in most places, except at football matches. There is no way he is going in on his own - he doesn't feel comfortable or confident enough.
No one has ever said anything to me when he has come in the ladies with me and I would challenge anyone who said anything to him or me.

Your NT 13 year old comes into the ladies toilet with you and you'd have ago at a woman who questions this - is there a reason why you don't go to the men's toilets with him?

Tmartnmum · 28/05/2019 09:02

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isabellerossignol · 28/05/2019 09:08

13 year old in the ladies toilets? And we wonder why so many boys grow up into men with such a sense of entitlement over women. The constant drip drip drip of little things like this all add up.

thebabessavedme · 28/05/2019 09:10

I would say it depends on the child, at some point a boy is just not going to want to use the ladies loo, if thats the case then just let them use the mens, fwiw, I would never be bothered about a dad bringing a little girl into the ladies, much nicer for her than using a mens toilet, little girls dont need to see men peeing into urinals.

HaveNoSocks · 28/05/2019 09:14

@Becles

What the hell? Some posters here are so ridiculous! If you aren't happy with a 13 year old boy in the women's toilets what makes you think men would be happy with a grown woman in the men's toilets?

Tmartnmum · 28/05/2019 09:14

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HaveNoSocks · 28/05/2019 09:15

@Dana28

Then you are absolutely outrageous to challenge them and could well be asked to leave the premises. Boys ARE allowed to accompany their mother into the ladies toilet usually at least until they are 8 years old. You have no right to ask boys if they're girls or tell them to leave. You are completely unreasonable.

Tmartnmum · 28/05/2019 09:16

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CripsSandwiches · 28/05/2019 09:19

I can't believe posters are suggesting that women have the right to accompany their sons into the men's toilets. The entitlement is ridiculous. Young boys are allowed into the women's toilets. Adult women are not allowed into the men's toilets.

I also can't believe anyone thinks they have the right to challenge young boys who are in the ladies with their mum! You have no right to do this. What horrible behaviour.

Rezie · 28/05/2019 09:19

Re: 13 yo not using toilet on his own.

The parents should really try to build this confidence. Assuming there is no other circumstances that affect this there than confidence. In less than 5 years this teenager is an adult and society expects them to function like one. That's not a long time to learn independence.

HaveNoSocks · 28/05/2019 09:21

@Tmartnmum

I didn't say he shouldn't go in the men's. I was responding to the poster who said a mother should go into the men's toilets with her son. This is so obviously completely ridiculous. People get up in arms about boys coming into the ladies but think they have the right to use the men's toilets! Defies sense.

Langrish · 28/05/2019 09:22

Agree HaveNoSocks. No way would I have let my under 8 boy into motorway service/shopping centre/large cinema gents by himself. What exactly is it that people think these usually accompanied little boys are going to do in the ladies? Another person here who’s managed to get safely to the age of 55 without ever being stared at under a partition (and wouldn’t little girls be just as likely to do that?).
Anyone challenging my under 8 boy would have been firmly and politely put right by me.

ChoudeBruxelles · 28/05/2019 09:22

Why didn’t your dh take them as he was there?

I think around age 8 is an appropriate age to go alone

Original poster
newjobnerves · 28/05/2019 09:26

@ChoudeBruxelles I'm totally guilty of doing this as a poster, I rarely start a thread in AIBU, but it's very frustrating when people don't at least read the OP's responses, I understand not every post but easy enough to see mine and you'll see my answer, multiple times!

OP posts:
ChoudeBruxelles · 28/05/2019 09:31

newjobnerves I skimmed through 5 pages.

Whatever

Original poster
newjobnerves · 28/05/2019 09:34

Whatever indeed!

OP posts:
DesperadoDan · 28/05/2019 09:39

My DS has severe special needs and has just turned 13. We have a radar key and started using the disabled loos last year. Prior to this he came into the ladies with me, never an issue, he’s smaller than his age and to be honest it’s quite clear that he has severe special needs.
I always feel sorry for dads who are out with young DD’s, where do they take them?
We didn’t like DD going into the ladies loos by herself at the age of 3 so he used to keep a potty in the car for her to use. Neither of us were happy with her using the potty in between 2 open car doors somewhere but what can you do?

Becles · 28/05/2019 09:39

@HaveNoSocks That was me. The mum doesn't want her NT 13 year old to use certain men's toilets but is fine with him in the ladies. I was asking why it was ok for him to be in the ladies but was a problem for her to be in the men's toilets.

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