To ask when children should use sex assigned toilets?

[newjobnerves]

I have 2 sons, we were at the cinema today and the 3 of us went to the toilet. They're 8 and 5. Today was the first day I felt uncomfortable with him being in the female toilets, I've never even thought for a second about it before, but it was a small toilet and there was a queue and he was stood next to a smaller girl and I realised how big and out of place he looked! I ended up sending him into the men's so he didn't have to queue and my DH was waiting outside (he didn't need to go otherwise they usually go with him)

Anyway this is a rather convoluted (and lighthearted!) thread asking when do you think girls and boys should use the "correct" toilets? I'm not a helicopter parent by any stretch but I do get a bit a nervous at the thought of him being out of sight if DH isn't with us. We are swimming tomorrow, DH is working and I believe 8 is the age at our local swimming pool.

About 8 ish.

My ds is 5 going on 6 and can’t reach taps yet so needs to be with an adult.

I was at a public loo this weekend and a man walked out of the female toilets with his toddler daughter. I’m not in the UK and couldn’t formulate the right thing to say in the local language quick enough. I have seen this in the uk too though.

It really annoys me when there is a huge queue for the ladies and mothers are still bringing in their sons who could go in with their dads. Obviously if you're on your own, it's different but I quite often see women doing it, like the OP, when their DHs are there.

I have no issue with boys coming in with their mums whatever the age. It is more difficult for girls as not always cubicles in men’s toilet.

@Shutityoutart could it have been that there was no baby change unit in the gents and the toddler was still in nappies? I always end up having to do nappy changes on holiday due to this Hopefully by the next time we're away in October DS will be reliably toilet trained so DH can take him.

I know they are hated on MN but this is a positive of mixed, cubicle only toilets, this just wouldn't be an issue.

@Settlersofcatan as I said in my OP it was the queue that made me twig and reflect.

The complication in the UK is that if you challenge a man in the women’s toilets you might find yourself getting abuse for being a ‘transphobe’.

kaytee I don’t think so as there was a baby change there separately.

There are cubicles in the ladies so I have never understood why people get so worked up about boys being in there.

At some point they will refuse - for my nephew that was around eight. At ten he would point blank refuse incase anyone saw him.

But I wouldn’t be bothered at all by a 10 or 12 year old boy in the ladies. You never know what’s going on (special needs, bad experience, etc) and no one is peeing in front of anyone.

But you said it was to avoid your son having to queue, not to avoid women having to queue longer behind him. That was my point.

@Settlersofcatan yes I did say that one thing in a post I was already mindful of being waffley enough, but I sent him out for the benefit of him and the others in the queue. I also did it as a result of seeing him next to the little girl which showed me how much bigger he looked and made me realise he didn't really need to be in there. I was quite capable of seeing the benefit all round! It's why I posted really as I say it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me in that I'd never really thought about it all before. I think in other situations if I'd seen there was a queue I'd always send them with DH (admittedly for their own benefit I guess) but this wasn't a big queue we didn't know until we got in.

I think an 8 year old should definitely be in the mens. My DS went to the men's from about age 6 places like restaurants or cinemas.

Its tough, I also know a man who was sexually assaulted in a toilet as a child. I know this is rare but it’s something that wouldn’t really worry me, I’m glad I have a Dd. I think it depends where you are and how confident he is. Obviously there comes a time when he needs to use the mens, just make sure you are outside the door and he can shout you if needed.

*would worry me

Tulips1234 this is exactly my concern. I totally agree it’s rare, but the worry is there.

I remember being shouted at by a council cleaner for taking my 5 year old son with me to the ladies. I should have sent him to the mens all by himself apparently 😡 I told her to keep her noise out and that my child would be with me until I chose otherwise. He was 8/9. I was confident he wouldn't mess about in the men's and I was able to make sure he understood stranger danger.

@SpotlessMind, it's a very good idea.

If your husband was there, why did you not send them with him? Surely they should only accompany you when he's not around? Makes zero sense for them to be with you when you had your husband with you.

I also agree around 7/8 is when children can begin going to the toilet by themselves and by 10 they should be quite used to it being the norm.

I have an 11 yo DS. There are very few circumstances when I’d feel it appropriate to take him in the toilets with me. However the other week we were at a concert and we both needed to go. The place was a bit lively and I’m blind so need a bit of assistance getting around so I took him while DP (female) kept our spot.

I would normally think it inappropriate for able boys of older primary age to be in the womens although I’m aware you can’t always tell if someone has a disability or not. DS has insisted on using the mens since about 7 and as long as we’re not anywhere a bit dodgy I think it’s only right that he should. If I’m not sure I’ll make myself noticeable at the door while he’s in there.

A few months ago I had a row with my Dsis about this very thing. She insisted her DS, also 11, come in with us. I suggested the boys go together but she was having none of it, despite it being a busy family pub. Her own 9 yo DD said she’d feel uncomfortable if other similar aged boys were in the womens but her feelings don’t matter it would seem. Things did not go well there after and I expect she’s still taking her perfectly able 11 yo, moving up to secondary DS with her into the toilets.

DS started using the men's toilets independently from around 7 or 8. I might have occasionally taken him into the women's with me if I didn't feel comfortable with him going to the men's and DH wasn't with us or if I really needed to go and I didn't think waiting outside was appropriate or safe. A couple of years down the track and he'd be mortified if I asked him to come to the women's with me.

Another saying about 8, depending on exactly where we are. Motorway services I am very careful about.

We have a kind of shift system where I send my boy and girl to their separate loos first, wait for them to come back, and leave them together outside the loos while I nip in.

I can’t remember with the older ones but ds3 8 has refused to use the women’s for a few years now

Ds4 is 6 and goes with me or one of his older brothers

At what age would you get annoyed at your DCs school allowing boys in to the girls toilets or vice versa?

It isn't just about supervision or safety, there's also privacy and dignity to consider. I'd say 8 seems a reasonable rule of thumb.

Ds is 8 now and I ended up taking him in to the cinema toilet with me and dd (5) today. My concern is not him messing around as a previous poster suggested, but rather the society we live in today and his safety had dd not needed to go at the same time I might have let him fo to the men's and waited at the food but I'm not quite ready to let to have that total freedom with no check up. I wonder if it due to me being a teacher and being showed several unpleasant video clips regarding public toilets.