To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

I'm wondering if op has any real experience of children with learning disabilities, is even aware that many such conditions come with physical health factors some of which can mean the child is in pain sometimes constantly?

Very much a rose tinted view on such things.

I had my second at 38 (8 year age gap). I don't think your age is a problem. We all adore him including his older brother but I had forgotten how relentless and boring caring for a small child can be. Back to not being able to enjoy going for a leisurely meal, no cinema, someone missing the panto/ice skating/ school play to care for him *depending on your babysitting situation. Little down time alone or with my partner as we take turns to work/childcare. I wouldn't change things now but I do miss those freedoms and am looking forward to getting them back again one day but it will be some time away.

Graph

I actually think most people think that disabled children only happen to other people and don't factor it in when making decisions.

last year, a colleague and two friends of mine got pregnant over 40 (these would have been 3rd and 4th DC). all had a pregnancy with DS. One went ahead and has a lovely little boy but he has lots of issues, one had a termination which triggered a depression. and one terminated and is fine. I don't know how common DS pregnancies really are over 40 given that most pregnancies are terminated and most people don't talk about it. but knowing of three cases in my closer circles makes me wonder if it isn't much more common then people assume.

Hi OP,
we swithered for 7 years whether to have a 3rd DC. Eventually we decided that we would try when I was a couple of months from 40. We made a decision if it didn't happen in a year it wasn't meant to be. I found out I was pregnant 5 weeks later 3 weeks from turning 40.
The pregnancy was fine apart from some nausea for the few early weeks. I did have an amniocentesis due to the fact that are a couple of genetic faults in the family and given my age it was offered. It came back fine and he rest of the pregnancy went well I worked to 5 weeks before my due date though DS3 made an appearance 3 weeks early he was fine. My recovery after having him was a bit harder that after my other 2 sons who were at that time 15 and 20, I developed high blood pressure in labour and it took a few months to get back to normal.
He is such a pleasure to have he's 5 now and due to start school in August. It was hard at first getting into the swing of things again and oh my god the tiredness but he has a great relationship with his big brothers and they adore him though DS2 was a bit eek at first. I have given up nights out and wee lunches out on my own for the time being but I have no regrets at all and these last few years have went so quickly (if sometimes a bit relentless) and it won't be long til I can do this again if I can be arsed :)
I can't help you decide what to do obviously, that's up to you and your husband but for us luckily it has worked out well. YANBU to think about it at all :)
Take care

Aww thank you Cheeky chops! Glad it's worked out for your family. There would be a higher risk obviously due to my age but we have no genetic issues in the family (just my mum having the twins!) and I have had 2 straightforward pregnancies so I suppose those risks didn't fully occur to me . I might get a chat with my GP and sound a few of my friends out who know our situation x

I have a child with a chromosome disorder. nothing in the family. our issue is 'de novo', i.e. not inherited it happened when conceiving DD1. I am in a number of groups and most people with disabled children in there have 'de novo' children.

as you get older, your eggs get older which increases the likelihood of chromosome issues. Very ignorant to think it's not going to happen to you as there are no issues in the family

@rainbowbash I think the OP said that they hadn't fully occurred to her rather than that it wasn't going to happen to her?! Which is a different thing altogether?

I am 39 and now pregnant, of course, there are risks but this is true of any age.

I wouldn’t have but everyone is different.

Yeah that's what I meant , I know there are risks I just hadn't fully looked into it all . I know some friends where they know about certain conditions in the family so they would know to ask about them or get tested. That's all I meant x

"I actually think most people think that disabled children only happen to other people and don't factor it in when making decisions."

I agree. I also thing there's kind of too much focus on DS when there are loads of different potential conditions, many of which can't be tested for in pregnancy.

I also think people tend to think of an "acceptable face" of learning disability, for lack of a better description, the childlike and affectionate side of things when there's far more to it than that.

I used to work in a residential care place for late teens and young adults with learning disabilities and it was heartbreaking. Those people weren't there because their families didn't love and care for them but because their conditions were fairly severe and required round the clock care often including issues like double incontinence, inability to feed normally, inability to control body movements, frequent mood swings including violent anger flashes, which their parents found as they got physically bigger put them and possibly other children at risk and under a lot of stress. Plus of course often the parents were older and so weren't in the best of health themselves (the stress and physical demands of caring for a very disabled child can have a huge effect on ones own health) and didn't have the energy or physical strength to manage their child and their needs.

Some of the residents were there for respite care but the older ones were generally long term/permanent, some were orphans with nobody else either available or willing to care for them.

Look at Katie price and Harvey - and she's a young, fit woman with the money to get in extra help and family support!

I think there's still a lot of ignorance and naivety around such issues.

And it's not just chromosomal/genetic issues either. Complications in pregnancy and childbirth are more likely with older mums and that includes premature birth which can result in disabilities/chronic illness.

OP I agree with Graphista that you seem to have a rose-tinted view about having a disabled child. I find you breezily implying you’d be fine because you looked after your mother with Alzheimer’s insulting.

Having a child with disabilities is pretty all-encompassing. As well as practical considerations, the emotional toll is immense. You have to fight for the right health and educational care. There are so many forms. You’re on red alert to your child being bullied or not stimulated or safeguarded enough at school or whether they’re meeting their academic and social potential and getting the reasonable adjustments you fought so hard for. You have to engage with so many different authorities who are all under resources and cutting costs. You have to think about what’s best for your child at the next stage. You have to work at getting their siblings to understand their needs and, in some cases like autism, not accidentally ‘trigger’ them.

Overall, while with a mother with Alzheimer’s you can lie in bed and think about how she used to be in the past and cherish his age was ‘before’, with a child with disabilities you lie in bed worrying about their entire life.

graph, true about DS. in my local Facebook group are more than 500 families. 3 have a child with DS. the other 497 families have children with other conditions. many actually also with issues from being premature or complications from birth.

Better to regret the things you've done than those you didn't

This makes no sense. It's better to have a baby you regret than regret not having one? Really?

You have a very rose-tinted and naive view of disabilities and learning disabilities. My son's life and ours are a living hell due to his autism and OCD, and it's forever. It's a life sentence of utter hell. You'd better believe I regret having him. No idea why you even asked because it seems like you're going to do it, anyway.

ByeClaire all I meant was I have some experience of dealing with a really difficult & complex health condition. I've looked after my mum for a long time washed her, dressed her, stayed with her & held her hand through multiple long hospital stays, had many really really upsetting times, fought for her to get tests, different medication, social support, physio, taken her to support groups, music therapy etc. I know it's so different from your child I am honestly not trying to compare all I am saying is I have a little experience of complex health needs rather than none at all and I can assure you I am not saying it "breezily " x

There would be a higher risk obviously due to my age but we have no genetic issues in the family (just my mum having the twins!) and I have had 2 straightforward pregnancies so I suppose those risks didn't fully occur to me .

We have no genetic issues in our family . I had had 2 straightforward pregnancies and easy deliveries, my son was a straightforward pregnancy and delivery. And no one is going to be able to guarantee you a healthy child. Again, you seem bent on doing this so no reason why you asked.

The difference with a parent though is it is the natural order, and as horrible as it sounds there is an end to that, when a child has additional needs what happens when a parent dies or gets too unwell. I know this is all REALLY negative but It's just not even comparable really.

ByeClaire Great post.
You described my life with my DC ATM. I am glad it is not just me, it is a lonely place fighting for services for the DC, no previous issues in my family either.

Great posts by ByeClaire and Graphista.

I think we need far more openness and honesty generally about the challenges of having children with disabilities.

I had dd in late 20's, she has a physical disability that was I now know pretty bloody obvious from the start to anyone with any knowledge of the condition and honestly I feel it should have been dx far earlier than it was. She was finally dx more as a result of luck than anything else when she was almost 12.

Once we had a dx and I was able to learn about it so so many things finally made sense!

My dds disability is relatively "mild" at this stage though likely to worsen as she ages.

But it has still caused her distress and suffering including pain and I've had a battle on my hands getting school, family, friends, adults in charge of her care at clubs etc and even hcps to take it seriously!

To the point she has ended up in hospital twice unnecessarily because of Gp's not listening and dealing with related issues appropriately and not even bothering to so much as Google the condition even though they admitted they weren't "familiar" with it.

I've a few friends with children with learning disabilities and I'm in awe of the fact they cope at all! One has a child with autism who is barely verbal at 9 and sleeps maybe 2-3 hours a day and can't be left alone the rest of the time. Another her child has major heart problems as part of the condition and they're in and out of hospital constantly, he doesn't understand that he can't over exert himself and so his parents have to manage that and physically prevent him from running etc.

Gradually we are seeing via various media more people with various disabilities but it's very much (and I understand why) the "presentable" face of disability, people able to engage with others not close to them, to communicate fairly well and inoffensively, who don't look particularly physically affected etc.

It's only in rare documentaries that the more severely disabled are seen (and that's ethically problematic) and that's a mere glimpse into the 24/7 demands of having a severely disabled loved one.

We're possibly looking at at least another 3 years probably longer of this current govt who are massively cutting funding and support for the disabled and the Nhs. The economy is being run into the ground so that massively reduces contributions to charities...

Honestly op do you even know very well anyone with a disabled child? Have you ever spoken honestly with them about what that's like? Maybe read some of the threads on here by families dealing with such issues?

Because you just seem to think your family will "cope" magically, that it wouldn't have a massive impact on your time, energy and finances and your ability and availability to parent your older two - a frequent issue I've known of in families with a disabled sibling is the "healthy" siblings feeling neglected and ignored.

Honestly alzheimers doesn't even compare - and I've cared for many people with Alzheimer's including a close relative. They're far easier to care for than a physically fit, strong, quite possibly soon bigger than you child with little impulse control or control of their bodies.

Also you've chosen not to care for your mother any longer at home - why? I'm guessing because it was becoming too much? Which is ok and understandable, except you're saying you know you'd cope with a disabled child because of your experience with your mother yet you've chosen not to continue to cope with her at home.

I feel like I'm losing my lovely daughter because her brother's disability completely dominates all our lives and she wants to leave home asap, who wouldn't?, and I'll be left with only this mess, he doesn't love us, either. You have no idea.

Alzheimer's has an end date. This shit doesn't.

I'm the youngest, sisters 7 and 9 years older.
I never had the relationship they had with each other. Imo you should have one more close in age. The younger of my sisters was very jealous and have continued to be so 50 years on.

@missminagrindlay. Sorry you're going through such a rough time.

I don't for a second believe its the same as looking after an aging, ill parent. If you really couldn't cope, you could walk away from an elderly relative in a way you just cant from your own child.