To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

The only disability I’m aware of that’s age related is Down’s syndrome & that can be tested for quite early on.

the likelihood for any chromosome disorder goes up with age (both maternal and paternal age). The likelihood of birth complications, premature birth and issues during pregnancy goes up..

most of the disabilities cannot be dx prenatally. and even if you dx DS, them the child will still have complex needs - oh no, I forgot, you just get rid of them and try again, innit?

but still that's a bit harsh

How can you possibly say 'it's a bit harsh' when you have no idea?!

@missminagrindlay - I get it. I haven't experienced it, but I understand somewhat having, as I said upthread, witnessed it with my best friend of 40 years.

Gotta love how someone explaining their brutal truth is so unpalatable that it should never be acknowledged.

Do you not worry about the environmental consequences? The world is hugely overpopulated and we are on the brink of a climate disaster. Having a 3rd? Just no.

Chillaxing I've said this 3 times now but of course I didn't mean she was harsh when describing her own situation!!! If you read back I was meaning the comment she made about Alzheimer's!!!! I've got so much sympathy for her situation xxx

OP says has 'already had 2 c-sections' as well. I was told after surgery if needing a c section could be risky and need to be planned due to previous. So would be looking at a third section too?

It wasn’t clear OP about which thing you were referring to that missminagrindley said. Because you preceded your “bit harsh” comment with a reference to her personal situation, I assumed you were referring to what she said about her child and not your mother. I didn’t see anything harsh about what she said about Alzheimer’s having an end point; just the blunt truth in the context of discussion about how the period of looking after unwell elderly relatives is finite. Now you’ve explained, I’m sorry for misunderstanding and ticking you off.

Not RTFT but my siblings are 14 and 18 years older than me. The eldest died when I was young but the younger one and myself have a limited relationship. No animosity or anything but there is no bond at all.

Would you consider fostering which may possibly lead to adoption.

As someone who has a large age gap one thing I will say if you feel like you’ve spent a lot of your life doing the school run etc. I’m 42 and I couldn’t face going back to the baby years. I do have 11yrs between ds1 and ds2 (and then 3.5yrs between ds2 and DD1) but I started young so was only 27 when ds2 was born. At 42 with a chronic health disease which started when DD was 2 I am glad they are getting older and can do a lot for themselves now.
The positives though there’s nothing wrong with spending a lot of your life raising children if that’s what you want. It is lovely to experience it all over again. Especially when you’ve got more patience and content to sit it and watch TV etc, you’ve seen how fast they grow and content to wait for your new baby to do things at a slower pace. My eldest loves his younger siblings despite the large gap and is very protective.
Best of luck TTC, sounds like you’ve made the decision which is right for your family

My idea of hell! Mine are 16 and 14 and there's no way I have the patience and tolerance for a newborn.

Other than health worries, i think your situation is the best it can be for having a baby.

I had my second at nearly 40, the age gap between my boys is 9.5 years. My oldest was abandonned by his father, has some anxiety issues and of course requires my attention, I live far from my mom, so practically no help. The 20 month old is a bad sleeper, he's home with me full and I have to work evenings part time. I'm exhausted. But he's the light of my life now and I don't regret a thing. I find that having him later in life, I'm more experienced and patient, I feel that I'm a better mother to my oldest as well. They both love each other. Yes, the little one annoys the big one, but he's also very excited to see him, gives him affection and they play together (more now than before) and I see them laughing and it fills my heart with joy. My DH was 47 when he was born. His children were 11, 14 and 17. They don't live with us, but also love the little one, especially the now 12 year old daughter.

The age gap doesn't have to be a problem. The relationship depends on children's personalities and on the way parents manage jealousy and other issues. I have a 20 months age gap with my sister and we fought like crazy. I often said that if she wasn't my sister, I wouldn't even be her friend. My mom didn't know how to manage it well and I grew up with anger issues. However, despite our differences my sister has been there for me (she's almost 40 and pregnant :), so I'm glad to have her and I wish we had more siblings.

About possible health issues, everything in life is a risk and people have different tolerances to it. We were lucky...

The only disability I’m aware of that’s age related is Down’s syndrome & that can be tested for quite early on.

That's really incorrect. ASD is related to parental age as are many other disabilities that cannot be detected prenatally.

www.sociologicalscience.com/download/volume%201/april/parental-age-cognitive-disability-among-children.pdf

It’s not your age, health or levels of fitness that are the problem. It’s the age of your eggs. A friend of mine did IVF at 44. She was advised very strongly to use donor eggs, but no, she was insistent she used her own eggs. She did get pregnant, it was hailed as a miracle and she gave birth to a beautiful boy.

The boy is now 3 years old, he can’t walk and can barely see. She has to carry him everywhere. We don’t know what’s wrong with him as she hasn’t said, beyond “it’s a chromosomal abnormality due to my age.”

Not worth the risk, IMO.

HermioneMakepeace

Goodness. Do we know the same person? I know someone who used a sperm donor and (at 44) IVF to conceive. They wouldn't do it over here so she went to the Ukraine. Was going to have a younger relatives eggs however relative decided at last minute she couldn't not mother her biological child. So her own eggs were used.

Her DS is preschool aged now and is blind, deaf and also is suspected to have muscle degeneration. None of it was predicted during pregnancy and she assumed she was in the clear after negative downs test. Then a few hours after he was born they realized he was blind and deaf and her life was forever altered from there.

She had 15 and 13 year old DD's at the time. DD2 with ASD who was coming on very well regressed back after birth of brother because it was a huge change and she was neglected. DD1 now 18/19 didn't go to uni as she is under pressure to support mum. I often see her in town with her mum and brother and they all look miserable and drained.

During her pregnancy she said stuff such as "Well I was early 30s when I had DD and she had ASD then, so age is hardly a factor." or "I already have a SN child and cope, we'll be fine." among other typical lines. Having seen her out and about pushing her screaming clearly in pain unaware 4 year old around and having heard from mutual friends that she is clinically depressed, has lost all her sense of self and pushed everyone away, it's clear that she isn't coping.

I'm sure many people have babies in 40s and everything went fine and dandy. I can name a few. That DOESN'T cancel out the many whose age presented their babies with chromosonal disorders. It's all too easy to go "Meh, can happen to any age and if it does we'll cope." because it's one of those things that we are conditoned to think only happens to other people. Until it doesn't. The risks are higher (more so than you'd think, I have relatives who see it in their line of work) and people need to accept that.

If you want this, OP, then good luck. But please please don't just brush off the possibility that it might not work out perfectly.

At 30 baby has a 1 in 952 chance of chromosonal disorder. At 42 it's one in 64. By 49 it's 1 in 11.

Her DS is preschool aged now and is blind, deaf and also is suspected to have muscle degeneration. None of it was predicted during pregnancy and she assumed she was in the clear after negative downs test. Then a few hours after he was born they realized he was blind and deaf and her life was forever altered from there.

@HalvinCariss That is EXACTLY what happened to my friend . It is not the same person as she is a first-time mum. She also did the IVF in a very reputable clinic overseas, but used her DH’s sperm.

You’ve reminded me of another friend who had a DS at 40 through IVF with donor sperm. He is deaf. There is no way really of telling if it’s because of her age, but I do wonder.

I blame all these celebrities who put their fertility down to yoga and macrobiotic food. It’s bullshit and gives normal women unrealistic expectations. Most of them use donor eggs then lie about it. An embryologist in the US told me that there has never been a case of a woman over 45 having a baby through IVF with her own fresh eggs.

Had a 12 year age gap between my first and second and it's been brilliant! Eldest is delighted to have a much younger sibling.

Op so you have two about to hit teens (proper, Armageddon-bringing GCSE and A Level years teens), a horse, a dog and a mother with Alzheimer’s and you’re planning on bringing a baby into all this? Look it’s your life not mine, do what you want, but please don’t kid yourself for a moment that this is all going to be rainbows and unicorns.

My mum had my dsis when I was 11. I was expected to do an awful lot of nappy changes and babysitting. Thankfully she was an easy and very cute baby and child, and admittedly I love her to pieces and can’t imagine a life without her but by god my teenage years were dull, and my mum had zero time for me and it was completely absorbed in dsis. I have (and still am) suffered from mental health problems relating to being seen as unimportant, irrelevant and not particularly worthy. I compare my relationship with my mum compared to that of my teen dds (teens are far needier than you think so I invest masses of time into them) and can really see the difference. Of course my dm wouldn’t admit any of this but it’s my reality.

Ps excuse grammar - am knackered from lack of sleep!

I did. My youngest ones are 11,13 and 14 and the oldest two are 31 and 32. I have no regrets.

Someone got pregnant in her 40s and came out with high risk for DS & other chromosome problems. She refused more invasive testing due to the miscarriage risk and afaik her child is fine, although I guess it's possible something could come to light as they get older - there are many rare and unknown conditions.

*someone I know!

Also, health issues aside, you say you both have good, secure jobs. Are you relying on returning to that job after the baby is born? Are you up for the stress of coping with a job, teens & a baby? Are you relying on family for childcare? If so, don't assume MIL/other family will always be willing and able. Can you afford childcare if it all falls apart? Lastly, what would happen if you lost your job? Could you cope financially? If not, what would your prospects of finding another be?

Crikey I have to say this thread has terrified me! I'm early 30s (was early 20s having mine, unusual today obviously) I've always had in the back of my mind "I'm still young, see where life takes us" but think I'm going to send DH for the snip!! I fell pregnant on the coil last month (but miscarried) I felt "what will be" but now thinking we should double up protection...

@newjobnerves, you can always freeze your eggs if you’re worried.

One of the first several posts summarised why I wouldn't do it, despite my great love of babies and how much I miss the younger years (through rose-tinted lenses for sure)

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However and please don't shoot me down in flames, I'm just going to be brutally honest about myself.
I am finding it very hard, it has had a huge impact on my mental health . I have gone from having independent kids and a career to having a dependent child and no job. I was finishing off a Msc while pg and had to turn down Phd offer because it was going to be a full time job with much time out of the country to start with. I was devastated.
I feel like I did the whole Cbeebies and crafty stuff/soft play etc 12 yrs ago, plus all my friends kids are also now teens and we had sort of all moved on together through the stages of our kids growing up.
I have tried to join varying groups, but am probably 10-15 yrs older than the other Mums and I find this difficult. I am not UK based , it's a bit different here, we don;t get any free nursery places offered at all, so it's just me and a toddler day in day out, interspersed with two lovely but sometimes quite hormonal teens who also need a bit of attention . DH works long hours with a long commute.