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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

302 replies

mumontherun14 · 27/05/2019 15:13

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

OP posts:
ByeClaire · 28/05/2019 16:10

Emerald it really is a lonely place at times Flowers

I get what you’re saying OP but, in the nicest possible way, I do think you’re viewing the decision in a rather breezy way. To be blunt, I don’t think you’re giving enough consideration to your existing DC. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a third - obviously not my place to! - but that you don’t seem to have thought about the potential negatives for your DC in depth. Some things to think about:

  • Teenage girls in particular can need a lot of emotional support from their mothers, and imo it’s something they need to know they can always rely on. Would you be approachable and have the energy and time to do that if focused on the practicalities of a baby or hormonal yourself?
  • what if you get antenatal depression or PND?
  • what if, yes, your dc3 has additional needs taking up a lot of your time and attention and your teens feel resentful?
  • the teenage brain is designed to be self-centred and risk-seeking. A 15 year old girl is quite a different beast to a 12 year old one. The latter may love babies, the former may much prefer boys.
  • there’s a big difference between your DD having a parent with her at the stables every day and getting a lift there from someone else’s parent.
  • As others said, revising for GCSEs and toddlers is not a great mix. Not just practically, your teens will be under stress.
Original poster
mumontherun14 · 28/05/2019 16:16

Graphista we looked after my mum at home for ten years. She then had a fall had a bad accident & hit her head and doctors said she was not medically ok to go home she needs 24/7 care it was not our choice.

Wow missminagrindlay what a thing to say. None of it is easy we all have our own troubles in our own situations and your sounds so hard but still that's a bit harsh

OP posts:
missminagrindlay · 28/05/2019 16:23

It's the truth, mum, childhood disability has a completely different nature that you are naive about. It's far from 'our own troubles', it's much akin to someone throwing a financial, emotional and physical grenade into your life and family over and over again. The fact is that your age is a factor, age is correlated with increase in disabilities and complications in pregnancy. The world is full of sunny anecdotes but just as many are tales beyond a nightmare.

formerbabe · 28/05/2019 16:33

She then had a fall had a bad accident & hit her head and doctors said she was not medically ok to go home she needs 24/7 care it was not our choice

It was your choice. You could have shut the door and refused to take her. Not saying that would have been easy but it is not the same.

ByeClaire · 28/05/2019 16:35

Okay OP, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt but saying the above to missminagrindlay is pretty condescending. Especially after all your posts on this thread describe the wonderful lifestyle you have with your children and don’t talk of any issues (with your children). Yes what she said is harsh, I took an intake of breath when I read it, but do you really think she wants to feel that way? Do you not think she sounds very depressed and in despair?

To wave they away by talking about us all having our troubles when the only one you’ve described is your mother’s I’ll health is a big shit. I thought you said you were very caring?

ByeClaire · 28/05/2019 16:37

Sorry for all typos, am on phone. That should be a ‘bit’ shit, not ‘a big shit’. Blush

Kaddm · 28/05/2019 16:43

I am the same age as you with same age children. I have to say the thought would utterly terrify me! For many of the reasons already stated. But I guess if it’s what you want, go for it.

Graphista · 28/05/2019 16:45

"she needs 24/7 care" which is exactly my point! If you can't provide 24/7 care for your fairly incapacitated and therefore somewhat controllable mum what makes you think you could provide 24/7 care for a more physically mobile but severely disabled child?

And it was your choice, the dr can only advise they can't dictate.

I'm not saying the choice was wrong but to say that you know you could cope with a possibly severely disabled child as you age yourself when you've already decided you couldn't care for your mum is a massive case of denial/cognitive dissonance

I also think you're out of order criticising misminagrindlay who is merely honestly describing the reality of caring for a disabled child.

But then I suspect that criticism comes from your starting to realise how big a challenge that is and panicking a bit.

flapjackfairy · 28/05/2019 17:04

Well as previously mentioned I have a long term foster child and an adopted 5 yr old and 3 birth children and I am 54.
Both my foster child and adopted child have v complex needs. Think feeding tubes, Bipap machines, oxygen , epilepsy etc and both are wheelchair users.
They are the light of our lives and enrich our lives massively. There is nothing to say you would even have a disabled child but if you do you will cope esp as you already have experience of caring.
Just another perspective as I find the negativity about parenting a disabled child a bit depressing at times.

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 28/05/2019 17:05

I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be for mismigrindlay .How can I when it's never happened to me? All I was trying to say was I could imagine some of the feelings of sadness & despair and fighting with doctors due to what's happened with my mum. It's not the same, it's not comparable I know that and I've said it a few times. And I'm not even going to go into the care home situation that's our own personal situation and with the complications my mums had we really did have no other option and it's been heartbreaking. I don't want to keep justifying myself and I mean no offence at all to anyone was just looking for some positive & negative thoughts & ive certainly had that!!Smile

OP posts:
MRex · 28/05/2019 17:18

I have an older sibling and one much younger, with a bigger age gap than you describe. The eldest was always a difficult character, but the youngest has been the light of my life until my DH turned up and then later when DS was born. She still is almost as important to me as both of them. Having had DS while older, pregnancy is very tiring and I understand why my DM struggled with the tiredness of pregnancy and the initial few months. The greater financial and emotional security we both happened to have at this stage of life I think does make life a lot easier. Most of the mums I've met are actually 35+, so my fears of being the eldest were unwarranted. It's reasonable for people to ask how you'll cope if the child has disabilities or additional needs, as well as the risks of miscarriage, but women of all ages should really be thinking about those things. Until you're over 45 or even 47 the statistics don't actually change all that much, when I voiced my fears to a doctor he said brusquely "Oh it's fine, you're young, older mothers are in their late 40s these days".

PixiKitKat · 28/05/2019 17:34

My mum had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I just remember being miserable all the time. I had to babysit a lot, I felt like I didn't matter in the family and was just there to look after 2 kids that I didn't ask for.
It was so bad it's actually put me off having my own children as I'd hate to feel that caged again. I felt my needs/wants literally didn't matter and that only the 2 youngest counted. We've also had quite different up bringings which is kinda weird and also sad. I would never have got the same support if I had the same issues as my sibling has now.

I'd just think very carefully about the role everyone will play in the family and don't exclude older children for the younger ones. They should all matter equally

Whoops75 · 28/05/2019 17:35

MRex I was 35 having my final baby and on my chart was geriatric pregnancy 🤣

I’d have much preferred your doctor.

Desmondo2016 · 28/05/2019 17:41

I am 41 with 2 adult kids, a teenager and a toddler. It's fabulous. Wouldn't change it for the world!

Number3or4 · 28/05/2019 17:55

There is an age gap of 20yr between my older brother and youngest sister. She complained about more tiredness and a harder pregnancy. But she loved the help/ assistant she received with dsis. Dsis is closed to me apparently bought by our shared love for baking. I do have other siblings and they all act according to their personality. I was 17yr when mom had dsis and it was a lovely suprise. She was very worried as it was a suprise pregnancy at 42. The only awkward thing was that dad wanted mom to abort, she didn't listen and had her. He is now glad to have dsis and both say she makes them feel very young.

user87382294757 · 28/05/2019 18:00

There's also risk to the mother to think of...with older mothers in childbirth. I'm not sure of OP has had a previous c section, but I have been advised against another pregnancy due to previous adhesions and surgery. Again, obviously very important given already having children.

MRex · 28/05/2019 18:02

@Whoops75 - notes probably said geriatric too, maybe another benefit of being an older mum is that I just don't remember now!

I do remember meeting 2 others at pregnancy yoga and one said "I'm worried about being so old in these groups" yet turned out to be younger than either of us. (Also now one of my best friends, but that's coincidence.) In some regions it might be unusual having a baby so late, but luckily not around here.

Wimbledonwomble · 28/05/2019 18:15

Have you considered adoption or fostering?

A friend adopted a 2 year old boy when she was about your age and her other children were teens. She always wanted a large family but due to difficult pregnancies and then the increased risks of age, had held off. He is 7 now and its worked out wonderfully. It wasn't always easy in the beginning and she did get some resentment from her teens. However, she escaped the sleepless nights and baby stage while giving a little boy from a very deprived background a wonderful life.

user87382294757 · 28/05/2019 18:24

I can imagine what it could be like- I used to work with children with severe autism and saw how their one to one carers tied to manage etc. It is not that difficult to comprehend how that all the time could make one feel the same. It is not nice to shame someone for stating how they honestly feel. maybe spending some time around special needs children may give you some food for thought / awareness, OP.

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 28/05/2019 18:29

Of course I didn't shame her about that. What I didn't like was when she said Alzheimer's had an expiry date! That stung a bit as my mum in final stages....xxx

OP posts:
tomtom1999xx · 28/05/2019 18:30

Op.
If you want another child then have one.
A younger woman can have a child with special needs, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that.
The only disability I’m aware of that’s age related is Down’s syndrome & that can be tested for quite early on.

user87382294757 · 28/05/2019 18:31

Tomtom, sorry but that is nonsense.

Graphista · 28/05/2019 18:36

Tomtom that is a shocking lack of medical knowledge you're displaying! Even a quick google would have informed you of this!

tomtom1999xx · 28/05/2019 18:38

Oh ok. Apologies Blush

Jimdandy · 28/05/2019 18:40

You would be absolutely mental. You’ve just about got your freedom back!!

But it’s not my life it’s yours!