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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

302 replies

mumontherun14 · 27/05/2019 15:13

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

OP posts:
Lauraloop1516 · 28/05/2019 08:27

My mum had my brother when I was 13 and my sister 15 - she was 40. Though she loves him, I don't know if she'd do it again. She is shattered - dealing with ageing parents as well as a very difficult teenager. He's just turned 18 but I don't see him leaving home /contributing anytime soon.

missminagrindlay · 28/05/2019 08:27

That's the other thing, all our friends have older children now and activities reflect that.

Frittata · 28/05/2019 08:29

Why are people being so negative?

Most people have said no, OP, but you've come up with countless arguments why you should - so get off Mumsnet and do it!

I had one in 40s and it was fine - no regrets.

donajimena · 28/05/2019 08:30

I see someone else has urged you to 'go for it' where will they be if it all goes tits up?

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/05/2019 08:31

i'm going to get flamed but... a 10 year old with a 51 yo mum, could be awkward for the child if his friends / people thought you were his gran

Believe me when I say there are many younger parents (mid 40s) who look much older than I did.

No one ever mistook me for ds’s gran

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/05/2019 08:34

One friend had her 3rd at 46 slightly shorter age gap.

Wimbledonwomble · 28/05/2019 08:36

It is hard when you are out of step with your friends too. Your life revolves around a small child and their lives have moved on.

Yes! A former close friend had another baby after a gap similar to what you're proposing and it alienated her from her friends, most of whom had children of a similar age to her older ones. They'd moved on and were too busy or not interested in hanging out with someone whose priority was a small child, as adorable as they undoubtedly were!

MsTSwift · 28/05/2019 08:38

Our local friendship group all have 2 dc exactly the same age as ours. We do a lot together. An extra toddler would put an end to that for sure everyone relieved to be out of the baby toddler zone and haven’t been near a soft play for years

missminagrindlay · 28/05/2019 08:39

Why are people being so negative?

Because at that age there can be some really bad shit happening, and yes, it's always a risk but the risk of a lot of issues (and increasingly the rise is autism is being correlated with the age of the parents) increases substantially with age.

There's almost nothing positive about living with a child like my son. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and personally, there's a lot to be said for quitting whilst you're ahead.

newjobnerves · 28/05/2019 08:43

@Frittata

I think the negativity comes from having children already so the risks for many of us outweigh the benefits, I'm sure the responses would be more positive if it was OP's first child. I was quite young having mine and am in my 30s now, if I wasn't sure before reading this thread about a third for me I definitely am now, I'm terrified haha. With babies it's very easy to get carried away with biology, there is no harm in having a reality check. It's her decision ultimately.

flapjackfairy · 28/05/2019 08:44

I had 2 children close in age then a surprise 3rd child aged 36. There was an 8 yr gap and it was great. No issues at all.
I love kids and then went into fostering and so I now have a long term foster child aged 13 and an adopted 5 yr old and I am 54. My children are 29, 27, 19, 13 , 5 . Oldest daughter is married but the rest are still at home and it is lovely .
I haven't been anymore tired as a parent with the younger 2 at all though of course I didn't grow them or give birth to them myself !
If you are enjoying having a little one around then what is stopping you ? I certainly wouldn't let it be your age.

MsTSwift · 28/05/2019 08:47

At the time we were musing on it our 2nd was 3 dh sibling baby died shortly after birth dh was with them throughout. He came home grey and shaken and said no way on gods earth were we risking going through that. So we didn’t throw that dice again.

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 28/05/2019 08:55

Thanks again for all the perspectives.

Had a good chat again with my husband (even he was quaking a bit at the thought of twins lol!)

I think if our wee one had special needs we would cope with it. I'd like to think we are a caring family in general and we have nursed my mum through Alzheimer's & help out my dad so I am under no illusion how stressful & difficult a long term illness can be and yet again for my mum we got a lot of support had some great times as a family and I wouldn't change a bit of it (apart from wishing so much that she'd never taken it in the first place)

And why I said my DD would help out....I didn't mean I'd expect or need her to. I just know how she is and I know she would want to. I am very close with her and my MIL (she works in a nursery and DD helps the younger kids at the stables). They get a lot of fun & enjoyment from children . My DS is great with my nephew and plays with him and gives him a lot of fun but sometimes he needs a prod to do anything- typical teenager. I just meant I know my DD and she'd embrace it wholeheartedly.

And on the social support

My Dsis lives round the corner with my nephew 1 and planning another. We see each other 3x a week.

My 2 sister in laws have both had babies this year so would be cousins of similar age the family but they live further away but we all meet up for holidays.

My best friend has a 3 year old as well as 2 same age as mine. I see her ever week we've been friends for 20 years!

My other close friends all have older kids but primary school age so we all meet up regularly as well and go on holiday together from time to time. I don't think any of this would change the baby would just be welcomed in with all the others

We don't have huge amounts of space is a consideration we have 3 bed semi & kids both have their own rooms but my husband said we could look at a loft conversion or possibly move locally which we have been thinking about anyway.

And we already have a 7 seater car...

We live in Scotland so don't pay university fees but obviously there would be financial considerations for the future

Still a lot to think about xxxx

OP posts:
Daisypie · 28/05/2019 09:03

I think this is a case for following your heart. I had DD at 41. My early 40s are a bit of a blur but that doesn't matter. We got sandwiched with else care at the same time as DC were little which was tough, but got through it. I have some younger mum friends from Dd's school which has enriched my friendship group.

Daisypie · 28/05/2019 09:04

*elder care

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 28/05/2019 09:06

MsTSwift so sorry about the wee one. That's so sad. 💐💐💐

OP posts:
Dodie66 · 28/05/2019 09:15

My mum had my brother when she was 42. I was 20 and my 2 other brothers were 18 and 15. We all get on well despite the age gap
I would go for it if I were you

pumpkinpie01 · 28/05/2019 09:33

Not exactly the same situation but similar.I have 4dc and the gap between the youngest now 6 and 3rd is 12 years. So there isn’t a lot that an 18 year old girl and 6 year old boy have in common but they generally have a lovely relationship. She finds him funny and is always getting him to do daft things then sending the videos to her mates or putting him on snapchat! I was 39 when I had him , it was the easiest pregnancy ever. With regard to people saying all your friends have moved on , you can make new friends I certainly did.

MyInnerAlto · 28/05/2019 10:52

I think neither an airy 'oh, go for it, you'll never regret a child' nor dire warnings are necessarily the best guide here.

There are people here who've done it and love it. Others who've done it and regret it. Others who haven't done it and can't think of anything worse (so of course are not going to have a positive take). I did it and (largely) love it (yes, there are downsides, as there would have been to not having her), but would still counsel the OP to think carefully, not because of any experience of mine but because of a few things in her posts that I noticed. Which group you fall into is going to depend so very much on a combination of personality, current set-up, values in life, and experiences to date.

All other things being equal, what are the most likely outcomes for you, in your current set-up, OP? (Not forgetting that life can throw curve balls at any time and in any direction) A thorough list of those would probably help you.

milkshak3 · 28/05/2019 11:00

I think if our wee one had special needs we would cope with it.

I think you see this through rose tinted glasses. Nursing someone through Alzheimer's is one thing. Having a child with e.g. in my case severe LDs is like living with someone with Alzheimer's. only, it is your child and not an elder relative who will pass away at some point in the usually not do distant future. If it's your child, you will do the nursing and caring until the day you drop dead! totally different.

I love my disabled DD dearly but if I would have know what life would be like, I would have never had her.

Pgqio · 28/05/2019 11:09

Friends of ours had a late baby. She's 19 now and they're in their 60s. She has severe autism, is non verbal and doubly incontinent. They freely admit they don't cope with it well and wished they'd stopped at 2.

Propertywoes · 28/05/2019 12:40

My son plays for a football team and we go to watch all his games and my daughter has a horse and one of us is with her at the stables most days

So your son has a football match and your dd needs to see to her horse. You've got a colicky baby who won't stop screaming. Which child are you going to let down?

I wonder if your daughter will be so keen on a baby if it means that no one is available to take her to the stables to pursue her passion and instead she's stuck at home helping you out with a baby.

rattusrattus20 · 28/05/2019 12:53

i think the gap is a bigger problem than your age, which, most obviously in your husband's case, isn't really that extreme at all. you'd effectively be bringing up an only child.

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 28/05/2019 12:57

Again thanks! My daughter has a well established routine for the riding for the past 4 years that doesn't fully depend on me so we'd manage that. We do a lift share with her 3 friends Mums & my husband her grandad & gran also help out....no reason why anyone would be "let down" ...and baby's can go in car seats as well I often take my nephew along when I'm watching him with no problems! We also share lifts with another family for the football...don't think any of that would be hugely disrupted but again could have the rose tinted glasses on

Am well aware it might not even be able to happen but it's just a feeling I keep coming back to and it may pass over again .xxx

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 28/05/2019 13:00

I was 30 when I had my twins. Having them has knocked the stuffing out of me. Twins are at least 3 times the work of one baby and as youre older, you've got a much higher chance of multiples. Of course you might not have multiples but if you did it would throw a grenade into your nice orderly life.

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