To have paid for my own

[TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole]

I know billsplitting threads are on here all the time, and I am maybe just looking for somewhere to vent rather than asking but:

Went out for dinner with a couple of friends who I go out with frequently and a friend of a friend who I vaguely know. Generally theres no issue with the bill, we tend to get round about the same thing and well..are friends so even if ones a bit more, who cares. But this guy, he ordered steak (no issue, I usually do) and 2 starters for himself (that he left most of) and nonestop cocktails while we drank..well like normal people. Then ordered a desert, didn't like it so ordered another, while still ordering and necking cocktails. It was like something from a TV show tbh, the constant shouting for stuff, the sheer amount ordered, he was also a bit of a twat to the waitress, basically seemed to think she was there to be his slave, even fucking asked her to wipe the table when he spilt a bit of drink instead of just doing it himself. Friend seemed quite embarassed to have brought him. And there was an atmosphere throughout the whole ordeal, as people kept pulling him up on speaking to staff like dirt and that.

Anyway, inevitable, bill somes and the guy says we should just split equally. I refused, as did the others as he had clearly taken the piss. He actually started arguing that this made us tight, who cares about an 'extra few quid' etc etc. I stood my ground and told him it was him who was tight because he basically, did not want to pay for the extravagent amount of food and drink he had ordered and how on earth were we tight because we did not want to basically sub him. He still said that it was us being tight. The whole scene was embarassing but I swear the difference was huge, but it was more the principle of it..we have enouh cash to pay for his too but why should we, especially when hes gone on the way he did and basically ruined the night. In the end, we all paid our own. Mine and mates was 20-25 quid each. His was near a hundred. And he didn't leave a tip either..took the change down to the penny!

He then said when leaving in a strop that if not splitting the bill, we should say before anything is ordered. WHY would that make a difference, if he was not only ordering as he thought we would pick up the tab? There is no reason at all that telling people you are not splitting would make any difference, unless they were being a twat on purpose surely?

Can anyone think of a reason why (besides taking the piss) anyone should have to say before anything is ordered that they are only paying for their own?

As I said, we usually just split it, but we don't take the piss out of each other the way this bloke was seemingly to. Anyway, he buggered off still in a strop that we were stingy and mean apparently, and we went on to have a decent night. I will totally avoid him from now on, not that I saw him much anyway, was just someone I kind of knew in passing but not a friend.

I think I know the answer to this really, but bill splitting threads are sometimes unpredictable. Were we being unreasonable to stand our ground and pay 20 quid, rather than literally double that it would be had we paid for his too? I know a lot will think 'its only 20 quid' but, it was principle too. Especially when he started saying it was us who were tight, when he was asking us to pay an extra 20 each because HE had been over indulgent..

I go out with 3 different groups of friends, and it's always the case that we pay for our own and a tip. Bills are itemised which helps, but even years ago it wasn't hard to take note of the prices for your own choices, round up to the nearest pound and add a tip.

We've all had varying financial situations, and this has always been, to us, the fairest way so that those in tighter circumstances didn't get stiffed by someone ordering more expensive food.

I don't mind splitting a bill when everyone's had roughly the same, but I won't subsidise someone ordering pricy stuff.

" With many of my friends we just split it and it does feel “tight” not to tbh."

Why does it though-how can it be tight to pay for your own stuff & not sub others?

Why does it though-how can it be tight to pay for your own stuff & not sub others?

Actually my preference is to pay for what I’ve had but in the groups I’m in it does seem the norm to split the bill equally so I feel tight if I suggest just paying for what I’ve had 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think PPs are right in saying that those who want to pay for themselves are not the tight ones

No I agree.

What I hate is if you want to pay your own & others are trying to shout you down & make you split the bill because "it's easier".

And yes as per the OP, it's usually the ones tha thave had more!

👏👏👏 well played

@SrSteveOskowski, I loved your "essay". What a wonderful outcome.

"The people who want to pay for their own are NEVER the CFs."

Well, most of the time I agree with you entirely but I have on occasion been out with someone who will only order tap water for themselves, but then help themselves to some of the wine on the table - but of course they then don't pay in for the wine they've drunk, because they "only ordered water". So occasionally they are sly CFs too - but in the main, you are correct.

YANBU. The only reason I'd want to make it clear before hand we were paying for our own is that I'd then feel free to order a note expensive meal while not forcing other people to sub me.

most of the time I agree with you entirely but I have on occasion been out with someone who will only order tap water for themselves, but then help themselves to some of the wine on the table - but of course they then don't pay in for the wine

That’s very cheeky and not even really paying for themselves in my opinion.

YABU at all.

Well done OP. I wonder how he’s going to treat your friend at work today.

Fab you stood up to this absolute cheeky Fucker. ..

For me the absolute positive unfalsifiable evidence was his argument that you 'should have told him' you were not splitting the bill before you ordered...it was absolutely calculated!!

I think most of us have been ripped off this way....hopefully with much smaller amounts. ..I once met up with a junior colleague who was leaving nhs. ..with 12 or so other people ..I had another essential seminar early evening so I joined then for a coffee and someone gave me a small slice of pizza that was left over ...I was fully intending chucking in a tenner to more than cover my coffee and pizza .....someone very drunk (a hospital consultant...) announced that we just as well split the bill.....like a stupid person I meekly didn't speak up as it would have been very obvious as a long table and everyone would have heard.....and my 'share' was over 30 quid...I had been there less than an hour...at the time my take hone pay was less than 170 quid...I worked part time and it was a few years ago...there were over 20 empty wine bottles.....I've never forgotten this..obviously ...most of the table were hospital consultants on over 100k...it was shitty behaviour. ...but I was young and less assertive....I wonder rig they reflected the next morning how a junior collegues had massively subsidiseD their evening

I read an agony aunt page where 4 couples used to go out for meals and split the bill 4 ways. The husband of one woman passed away but she continued to socialise with the group. Their expectation though was that they'd continue to split the bill 4 ways!

I went for a meal with colleagues a few Christmases ago and the group had varying levels of disposable income. The younger women in the group ordered numerous cocktails in the £10/£15 price range. One chap kept track of what everyone had and paid the bill with the company card to save any hassle on the night then emailed everyone on the next Monday with their share. The cocktail drinkers were shocked to find their share was 3 or 4 times everyone else's and queried it with the chap. He clarified they'd had the drinks he'd noted and that's when the penny dropped that they weren't being bankrolled by the rest of the group.

how can it be tight to pay for your own stuff & not sub others?

Well - if you’re talking about a scenario where people have had roughly the same, then it does look a bit tight to spend ages calculating things to the last penny only to work out that I owe £37.50 and Sue owes £42.50 because she had a fresh orange juice and an extra topping on her pizza. Much nicer to spend that 5 minutes chatting and both stick in £40 (in the full expectation that, next time we go out, I may be the one who orders a coffee as well, so it all comes out in the wash over time).

What the OP here is talking about, however, is radically different and I’d applaud her for calling out a CF!

Once went out with another couple. He ordered loads, hers wasn't as expected so he complained. She was mortified and kept telling the waiter it was nice just not what she expected etc. He kept complaining - I assume in the hope of getting a freebie (?) The bill came and my dh refuses to split as the other man had eaten far more (Indian restaurant and lots of sides). We paid our share and he was fumbling in his pockets dropping loose change on the counter.
It was painful to watch. But he obviously hadn't brought enough cash to pay for their meal and assumed we would settle 50%.
Went out with them once more(drinks only) and he paid at the bar with handfuls of change! Dh refused another night out!

how can it be tight to pay for your own stuff & not sub others?

To be fair it depends on the scenario. If you're all on 6 figure salaries and have ordered about the same then it would seem a bit mean to start forcing everyone to do calculations for the sake of a few quid.

The problem comes when there's a disparity in income. One person might order very carefully to save themselves £10 off the final bill while for someone else that's small change and not worth calculating. I had a friend like that when we were students - her parents just topped up her bank account whenever she was getting low. She wouldn't even look at the price before ordering - she once ordered a set meal for 2 just for herself. She thought it was really embarrassing/crass to work out how much each person owed. She wasn't a nasty person just very thoughtless.

Stupid man!

We always just split the bill, however in this instance I'd have done the same. What an absolute wanker.

Obviously you do get deliberate cheeky fuckers, but I think in a lot of cases people are paying less attention to what everyone else has had then people seem to assume. If you've had the cheapest main and a tap water then that's very obvious to you, but not necessarily to everyone. In the story upthread, for instance, I don't think the consultants really thinking 'haha, a trainee paid for our wine' - I think they were drunk and it didn't occur to them that there might be someone at the meal who had just had coffee. I do think in that scenario if you really can't manage to speak up for yourself then someone sat next to you, who will have noticed that you were just nursing a coffee while everyone ate, should do, but to expect that the table as a whole notes what you're doing is unreasonable.

In my experience, the issue is that when people 'just pay for what they have', the issue is they often don't put in anything for service, even if it's on the bill, and it's disastrous if there were shared things (especially wine) as people 'just chuck in a bit to cover that' which never actually does. Wine is particularly bad because people think chucking in a tenner should cover 'a couple of glasses', but what they've actually had is 2/3 of a bottle and it absolutely doesn't cover that. I went for a group meal with a NCT like group recently and ended up having to pay £30 over my meal because people had done this (and they'd paid, leaving 'their share' then left) and I'd booked it so I felt responsible when it turned out we were massively short at the end. I'm sure they all felt they had entirely reasonably paid for what they'd had, but they hadn't.

Re wine in a group setting, usually I'll order a specific bottle with another person with the agreement we're sharing the cost.

Yes I think there is a massive difference between what op is describing contrasting eith situations the where group of family /pals and all have same ish priced food /drinks....Ioften done this, and amongst pals everyone always pipes up ...I'll put in an extra tenner as I had the unicorn steak/. ..then it's just split by number of folk. ..we have been going out for over 20 years and I don't think anyone has ever over/underpaid more than a fiver on 25/30 quid bill .it all evens out over time.

Well done for standing up for yourself, OP. I'm usually of the view that it's much better easier to split the bill, but that only works if everyone is having more or less the same.

If one person eats and drinks the amount this person did, they shouldn't expect to be subsidised by everyone eating and drinking normally. Similarly, if one person only has a starter, they shouldn't have to subsidise everyone else who has a 3 course meal.

Good on you op! Brave and very justified. He was clearly ordering in the knowledge you’d be subbing him. Avoid like the plague!

Well done OP.
I don't mind if people want to pay their own or splitting the bill and if someone has slightly more, it normally doesn't make a big enough difference to quibble.. and usually people offer to put in a bit extra, or the person totting it up subtracts for someone who wasn't drinking for eg. but this was royally abusing the privilage in a deliberate way.
What struck me about your post was the way this man thought that if he insulted you by calling you "tight" you would immediately cave.. as if "tight" was the very worst insult in the world and you would do anything to avoid a lovely person like him thinking ill of you.
I've noticed this behaviour strategy before - insult the person, accuse them of an underlying character trait to detract from the wrongdoing and side track them into defending themselves whilst the bully continues to berate - and I think you did so well to calmly turn it back on him.
Glad you taught him a lesson.