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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

154 replies

Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 08:56

I’ll try keep this short.

Myself, brother and dad moved away from our hometown 15 years ago. We all lived together until 10 years ago where brother left for hometown and I left to be where I am now (40 minutes away from my dad, 2hr 20 away from hometown).

I’ll add at this point that during the initial stages of us all living far apart I used to get the train to see my brother and his now wife but felt like I was overstaying my welcome after a few nights, when they then had their DC it just kinda became not an option for me to get the train down and stay. However, upon issues with my husband myself and my then 18 month old daughter did go and stay for 2 nights upon me having some issues with her father (my brother collected us from home and drove us there). Everything was great! I was pregnant with my second child at this point.

I want to add also that neither of my children have been great travelers and both have created so much in the car they’ve eventually made themselves sick, my husband also didn’t have weekends off until 3 months ago when he changed jobs.

2 years ago my brother got married, my children were 2 and 6 months and the journey there and back was just awful, hysterical crying all the way on the journey home from my 6 month old, causing my 2 year old to feel like as horrified and we had 2 lots of sick to clean up from them on the way home (we pushed it and didn’t stop as we just thought it would prolong the agony).

Anyway, I haven’t seen brother since then.

This weekend they are visiting somewhere with their child and coming to see my dad and my family is only a 30 minute additional drive on top of a 4 hour one, but would split their journey up and of course, they’d see everyone.

When my dad asked my brother he didn’t reply, so I asked and the answers were really frosty. I knew deep down that he didn’t want to see us and was expecting a mundane excuse as to why and this happened yesterday. I was told they didn’t want to come as their 7yo was tired after 2 days of (fun activity).

I felt really upset by this, and told him so. I asked him not to use child tiredness as an excuse not to spend an additional 30-40 minutes in the car and split his journey up.

He spat back that the reason he doesn’t want to make the effort is because nobody makes it for him.

They both drive, I don’t. They have a 7 year old, I have a 2 and 4 year old who have never travelled well until recently where we have been pushing journey times. As soon as my husbands job changed the first thing I did was express to my brother that we will visit for a day out soon, I send cards for birthdays yet never receive them here, I send presents (at Xmas I bought and wrapped them for his DC, my children received amazon parcels) whenever we talk it’s always me opening the conversation.
He’s snapped that I only see him when in crisis (I’ve been a few times when having issues with my partner).

We weren’t included in his wedding, we felt like an afterthought. I’ve leant him money before he got with his partner and never expected it or fussed about it being given back. I’ve never treated him differently because we’ve not seen each other, we’re both guilty of needing to make more effort and I’ve never held him to account for having more tools to do this (car and driving ability).

I’m really hurt, it has been clear that his partner doesn’t like us, and that’s fine. We’re civil enough, she doesn’t have to like us. But this? I dunno. It just doesn’t seem like my brother at all.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

Thanks for reading so far if you have....

OP posts:
Cariadne · 27/05/2019 09:07

I think there are deep issues on both sides if you haven’t seen each other in 2 years, but he should bear as much blame. I would try to have a conversation to clear the air and see if you can both agree to make more effort in future.

Gizlotsmum · 27/05/2019 09:15

I can kind of see his side too. So he dropped everything to rescue you when you needed him, the only time he sees you is when you need space from your partner. Your partner drives so you could have made the effort to see him or invite them up to stay with you. From his point of view you only want to see him now if he will drive an extra hour (I assume in wrong direction).

Gizlotsmum · 27/05/2019 09:16

Couldn't you go to your dad's and meet them there?

PinkCrayon · 27/05/2019 09:19

Can you not travel to your Dads to see your brother? I think if someone is traveling close to where you live then its nice for you to make the effort to see him.
Traveling and visiting different people is tiring. You should make the effort as he has done coming down. I do also actually think adding an extra 30/40mins to a 4 hour journey is a pain in the arse especially especially when you have kids. You both havent seen each other for 2 years you need to make the effort also.
As pp says though there are deeper issues here at play that you need to air.
But I dont think you were in the right here complaining. When you havent seen him for 2 years either.

FriarTuck · 27/05/2019 09:20

YABU - you've made no effort to see him and have used your children's travel sickness as an excuse despite being able to do the journey if YOU need to. And 4 hours of driving is bad enough without sticking another 30 mins on top - you can't be bothered to do half of that to see him...

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:21

Gizlotsmum - that was the idea, to see them at my dads.
My husband does drive, but has always worked weekends and bank holidays up until 3 months ago, we’ve been a bit busy with various things, birthdays, death of our cat etc, we’re on holiday an hour and a half away next week and we’re planning on going when we are back as will have more funds.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 27/05/2019 09:22

I actually see where he's coming from. He drove to rescue you when you need him, accommodated you and your child. You see your own children's dislike of travel as a reason not to visit him (do you never go anywhere or on holiday?) , but his child's tiredness isn't good enough. He probably also thinks your husband is a dick for treating you in a way that your brother had to come and get you. You should've said, oh you're travelling 4 hours and you'll be best is, we'll come and meet you for a day out/lunch etc.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:23

@FriarTuck how have I made less effort than him though? This is what I want to know.

I’ve made effort in ways I can

I believe we’ve been as worse as each other, but he has more resources, so I’m angry that he’s holding it against me when I wouldn’t and have never held it against him.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 27/05/2019 09:23

*you'll be near us

I've just seen that your fine to put the children in the car to go on a trip you want to go on!
I definitely see your brother's point of view, you want everything on your terms

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 27/05/2019 09:24

*you're fine to....

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:25

@ZippyBungleandGeorge tiredness was just an excuse, he later admitted he didn’t want to because we don’t make any effort. This is my argument, we’ve made as much effort as he has. I’m a SAHM and he has weekends off, his exudes when invited have been that his wife is at work, or busy. I couldn’t afford the train fare to get there, and my husband was of course at work at the weekends. As soon as this was different I expressed want to come and visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:27

@ZippyBungleandGeorge we’ve gradually built up our trips over the last year, we’re going an hour and a half away from where we live. As stated, we want to travel to them soon, although not much point now that he’s said he doesn’t want to see us?

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/05/2019 09:28

I can definitely see his point too.

But really, if someone is making excuses not go see you, why would you want to force them? Confused how would you enjoy a visit knowing he didn’t actually want to be there. It would be fake, wouldn’t it? I think you need to accept the relationship has changed and stop guilting him into spending time with you.

Ellisandra · 27/05/2019 09:29

How come you can use children not liking the car as an excuse, but he’s not allowed to use his child being too tired?

And you’re using death of a cat as an excuse too?

Even your comment about the Amazon parcel... that’s just as valid as hand wrapping presents.

So your husband works weekends? Public transport. Or go during annual leave.

You haven’t been bothered about seeing him. So don’t be a hypocrite about him seeing you!

Eliza9919 · 27/05/2019 09:29

Why is it 4hrs plus the 30 mins to yours if you live 2hrs 20 from your home town?

I think you are a bit of a CF tbh. You make excuses about travel sickness but can force the kids to travel when it suits you.

I'd take the same attitude as your brother.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:30

@Eliza9919 because they’re not at home, they’re at legoland.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 27/05/2019 09:30

It's not his fault you don't drive, as a SAHM you have plenty of time to organise public transport. Also has your 'd'h not had any annual leave on the last two years? You could also have suggested meeting up half way.
Look at this thread the majority are saying YABU , but you don't want to hear it

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:32

@Ellisandra wow I’m surprised at your cat comment, he was really poorly and absolutely devastated me, he was only 7 and we had him since he was a kitten.

My children being car sick isn’t exactly an excuse, to be fair we wouldn’t have gone anyway, since my husband worked weekends when they were free...

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 27/05/2019 09:32

If your dad is only 40 mins away you should be making the effort to go and see your brother there. He has done a lot of driving already and it's not just the extra 40 mins is the getting in and out of the car, settling into your home for a visit then going home. Plus it would cut into his time with your dad.

It does sound on the face of it you are not making as much effort as you could. Two years of not seeing each other is a long time.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:33

@ZippyBungleandGeorge I can’t afford the public transport, plus would need 2 car seats the other end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:33

@Pinkprincess1978 he doesn’t go and see my dad either, my dad drives to him.
My dad invited them and us to meet, we were happy to.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/05/2019 09:40

2 days at legoland would be exhausting for a 7 year old and presumably this is their holiday, they would have to forego some part of their holiday in order to travel and visit you. I think you should have offered to travel the 30 minutes to see them.

PinkCrayon · 27/05/2019 09:41

Why is it a valid excuse that your husband is working but when his wife is working it is not?
Also you blaming his wife, well thats never going to end well.
This is your fault too everyones telling you that and you seem to find it really hard to accept.
You havent seen him for 2 years either, him coming down and you making an effort too would have been a great opportunity for you to build bridges. Instead you have had a go at him. You stuffed up here and you should apologise if you want to repair your relationship like you say you do.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 09:41

@ILoveMaxiBondi Ok to make this clear
We will be driving 40 minutes to my dads to see them, they would not be coming to our house.

OP posts:
DoingItForTheKids · 27/05/2019 09:41

I think it's a tricky one. We had a car hater and until you have one it really hard to understand just how awful and limiting it is.

I think in this situation it's all got a bit out of hand and tit for tat and both have elements of being unreasonable. You need to talk and not focus on trying to work out who is in the wrong though. You will both think you are in the wrong and it won't get you anywhere.

Tell him you love him, hate that you've not spent enough time with him lately and want to make it work going forward. Draw a line in the sand and move forward. Good luck x