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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

154 replies

Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 08:56

I’ll try keep this short.

Myself, brother and dad moved away from our hometown 15 years ago. We all lived together until 10 years ago where brother left for hometown and I left to be where I am now (40 minutes away from my dad, 2hr 20 away from hometown).

I’ll add at this point that during the initial stages of us all living far apart I used to get the train to see my brother and his now wife but felt like I was overstaying my welcome after a few nights, when they then had their DC it just kinda became not an option for me to get the train down and stay. However, upon issues with my husband myself and my then 18 month old daughter did go and stay for 2 nights upon me having some issues with her father (my brother collected us from home and drove us there). Everything was great! I was pregnant with my second child at this point.

I want to add also that neither of my children have been great travelers and both have created so much in the car they’ve eventually made themselves sick, my husband also didn’t have weekends off until 3 months ago when he changed jobs.

2 years ago my brother got married, my children were 2 and 6 months and the journey there and back was just awful, hysterical crying all the way on the journey home from my 6 month old, causing my 2 year old to feel like as horrified and we had 2 lots of sick to clean up from them on the way home (we pushed it and didn’t stop as we just thought it would prolong the agony).

Anyway, I haven’t seen brother since then.

This weekend they are visiting somewhere with their child and coming to see my dad and my family is only a 30 minute additional drive on top of a 4 hour one, but would split their journey up and of course, they’d see everyone.

When my dad asked my brother he didn’t reply, so I asked and the answers were really frosty. I knew deep down that he didn’t want to see us and was expecting a mundane excuse as to why and this happened yesterday. I was told they didn’t want to come as their 7yo was tired after 2 days of (fun activity).

I felt really upset by this, and told him so. I asked him not to use child tiredness as an excuse not to spend an additional 30-40 minutes in the car and split his journey up.

He spat back that the reason he doesn’t want to make the effort is because nobody makes it for him.

They both drive, I don’t. They have a 7 year old, I have a 2 and 4 year old who have never travelled well until recently where we have been pushing journey times. As soon as my husbands job changed the first thing I did was express to my brother that we will visit for a day out soon, I send cards for birthdays yet never receive them here, I send presents (at Xmas I bought and wrapped them for his DC, my children received amazon parcels) whenever we talk it’s always me opening the conversation.
He’s snapped that I only see him when in crisis (I’ve been a few times when having issues with my partner).

We weren’t included in his wedding, we felt like an afterthought. I’ve leant him money before he got with his partner and never expected it or fussed about it being given back. I’ve never treated him differently because we’ve not seen each other, we’re both guilty of needing to make more effort and I’ve never held him to account for having more tools to do this (car and driving ability).

I’m really hurt, it has been clear that his partner doesn’t like us, and that’s fine. We’re civil enough, she doesn’t have to like us. But this? I dunno. It just doesn’t seem like my brother at all.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

Thanks for reading so far if you have....

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 27/05/2019 12:09

I can see your brother's point, TBH. You do seem to find a multitude of excuses that prevent you visiting him and some of them sound pretty flaky. Public transport is a pain (esp with small kids who need car seats) but many people do that and manage. If I was your brother I would be hurt that you seem not to want to put yourself out in the slightest to see him.

mummyhaschangedhername · 27/05/2019 12:11

Just read you are a driver, why on Earth would you say you're a non driver when you can drive?

For the record I don't enjoy driving, so I do get it, but I still drive when I need to. I had several accidents (non fault) in a few years and had some panic attacks when I started driving again. You know how you fix that? Keep driving!

You're not helping yourself by making untruthful statements, you can drive so you are not a non driver.

You are expecting your brother to make allowances for your preferences yet don't allow him the same.

Yabbers · 27/05/2019 12:26

Gizlotsmum - that was the idea, to see them at my dads.
So why would that mean an extra 30 minute journey for them?

None of this really makes sense, (it’s the easiest post to make sense of) From what I gather, you only visited your brother when you needed a place to escape to. You have dozens of excuses for why your own circumstances mean you can’t go, and despite the “clarifications” I still think you expected them to travel another half an hour on top of the 4 they already travelled.

YABU, your brother is sick of being there for you and getting nothing back.

Ellisandra · 27/05/2019 12:29

OP wouldn’t like me if I were her SIL either.
Cos I’d be saying “so she passed her test 7 years ago, they have 2 cars - but she can’t get off her arse to come here because she doesn’t drive. Your sister is making excuses. Shame about the kitty though.”

slashlover · 27/05/2019 12:32

Why is all this responsibility pinned on me? The non driver, the non worker and the one with 2 kids?

I've asked this a few times and you haven't answered. How you at any point over the last two years messaged your brother to say something like "Hey, we would love to see you. Would you like to come for a visit, the dates we are free are X, Y and X?" Have you actually invited him to stay with you?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/05/2019 12:34

In the last two years you’ve had a driving license, access to a car, no job to restrict your plans, access to public transport, and in the last 3 months your husband available to drive at weekends, and in the last 2 months no cat to worry about. And it’s still not your fault you didn’t visit your brother?

slashlover · 27/05/2019 12:34

So why would that mean an extra 30 minute journey for them?

DB wasn't planning to visit any of them, he was planning to drive straight home. OP thinks he should detour to their DFs so she only has to travel 40 mins to see them and it can "break up" the journey (meaning that DB is going to be arriving home over 3 hours later than planned with a tired child).

bridgetreilly · 27/05/2019 12:42

Oh, grow up. The world has done a pretty good job of organising itself to suit you so far, apparently, but at some point you need to start recognising that other people also have needs, wants, problems, and life to deal with. Apologise to your brother, start driving more and stop whining.

Yabbers · 27/05/2019 12:46

They were once very close, it surprises me that they don’t drive up to see my dad at all tbh. They used to, nothing has changed. It’s why I feel it’s his wife’s doing a little bit.

I moved 3 hours away from home years ago. When I was single, I would go back at least once a month. Then I met my husband and we would go up there much less and do so even less now we have DD. Nothing to do with my husband, we just have a life and things to do at weekends. Your life stops you going, why isn’t it your husbands doing that you don’t visit?

Whether or not he visits your dad is between them, nothing to do with you.

You’ve had so many goes at making him sound unreasonable for so many different reasons and not a single person here is buying it.

DirtyNumbAngel · 27/05/2019 12:53

TBH a '40 minute detour' would increase massively in Bank Holiday traffic.

yourestandingonmyneck · 27/05/2019 13:07

What I'm picking up on is that you are seem think that less is expected from you for reason. You make a lot of references to doing "what you can" etc. Is there a reason why you can do very little in comparison to other people?

The fact that your MIL paid all your bills when your husband was looking for work.....why didn't you get a job at this point? Surely you and your husband weren't both at home for 6 months with no income, both looking after the kids?

Unless there is a reason for your lifestyle, it sounds to me like you need a kick up the bottom and to be of more practical help to people rather than just "liking their Facebook posts" and expecting everyone else to make the actual real-life effort.

Birthdayshit · 27/05/2019 13:08

This has to be a joke?

You can't afford petrol or train fare yet you can afford to buy, tax and insure 2 cars even though one of them is basically sat on your driveway as you won't use it. And you're about to get another car.

Let alone not being able to visit because of a dead cat or some car sickness. Neither of which are a factor when YOU want to go somewhere!

Unbelievable. Makes me glad I'm an only child.

Kanga83 · 27/05/2019 13:08

You need to accept he isn't interested- he is protecting his children from drama and you now need to do the same. I have done the same and currently doing the same. Sometimes life is too short to carry on with the baggage and that's just the way it is. The more you push now the more he will pull. It's sad but there's no point if he's giving you every signal he just doesn't want to- there are three young children who don't know each other, there's no point forcing a meet to be tense and for the kids to then not know of a next meet or relationship. I have 5 nieces and nephews, two I have never met and never likely too as we've cut contact yet they still don't get it. The other three we hear of when husband speaks with his brother, mainly on phone as his wife is full of excuses to not meet unless on her terms.

BibbyDarling · 27/05/2019 13:36

OP. You Are Being Unreasonable.
Grow up.

Pinkvoid · 27/05/2019 13:40

I can see his side of things but neither of you have many any effort to see one another for two years which is an awful long time. I think you’re both equally unreasonable to make a deal out of this.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 27/05/2019 13:45

Normally people drip feed to make themselves look better when it's an unanimous YABU, but OP you're making yourself look worse and worse with each drip feed Grin to the point it seems like a wind up thread.

Does the fact that pretty much everyone has said YABU not give you any pause for thought, that actually, it is you who is totally in the wrong here? Genuine question.!

Snog · 27/05/2019 13:59

I am blown away that you can't afford to visit your brother by train but have two cars, soon to be three and only your DH ever uses any of them.

Strange priorities.

HappilyHarridan · 27/05/2019 14:08

Why are you completely disregarding the fact that he has repeatedly been there for you when you needed him, but you haven’t been there for him at all?

Ellisandra · 27/05/2019 14:11

Yes, the non driver with both a car and a licence was something of an own goal drip feed Grin

OP, you seem to think a lot about him having to do more than you because he has it easier. But you don’t seem to understand that if he does, that’s a kindness not an obligation. Why should he make the trip because it’s harder for you with 2 kids? That was your choice. You seem to expect it.

10percentbatteryremaining · 27/05/2019 14:22

But you do drive?! So just drive?! Wtf 😂

How can you not afford train tickets but you can afford a car..!

10percentbatteryremaining · 27/05/2019 14:23

And why are you going on about him having more resources when you have the same resources. You know, as someone with a license and a car - just like him.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/05/2019 14:27

i don't drive and it can take anywhere between 3-5 hours to travel to my family via public transport.
I've seen plenty of parents travelling with their kids and babies without an additional adult present.
When you want to do something you always find a way.

If the only time you go to his house is when you need something from him - and that's what it sounds like - but have a million and one 'reasons' why you can't any other time, then you shouldn't be surprised that he feels like you can't be arsed making an effort with him.
You found the time and money to have another child - but can't find the time or money to visit him.
You want him to understand how 'difficult' it is to travel and visit with dc - but refuse to accept the same reason from him just because he drives.
Even as a non driver i can tell you that driving for hours - on top of an activity filled day with kids - is extremely tiring. An extra hour to you on that day might not be much - but for them it was.

Just respect his decision and make some effort to visit him.

He didn't accuse your dad of not making an effort - just told him that they were too tired to make the detour, which again is understandable.
That's between him and your dad (if your dad has any issues with it).

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2019 14:30

Sounds to be like you went to your brothers, you say a few times, when you were having problems at home, whether it was convenient to them or not and they took you and your kid(s) in without questions. And yet you have multiple excuses why you couldn't visit any other time. But apparently could manage it just fine when you had issues at home.

I really can't believe you mention you lent him money before he got with his partner. As they have a seven year old, that must be knocking on a decade ago.

Your brother clearly feels you only use him when you need him and dump him when you don't.

Up to you if you take any personal responsibility for that or just keep blaming him.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 14:33

I've seen a few batshit threads in the past 24 hours and this is up there with the best of them Grin

He's your brother, not a boyfriend. Get over it. I haven't seen mine in years (lives on another continent).

You don't seem to particularly like him or his wife, so why the angst about him visiting?

OKBobble · 27/05/2019 15:07

YABU.

Your brother has his own plans for the Bank Holiday weekend and you are trying to force him to change them to include a family visit that he does not want to have.

He tried to.let you down politely and instead of accepting it you are making a massive drama of it all. If you want to visit your Dad visit him. You cannot force yoir brother too just because it is what you want!