Who is BU?

[Jellybeansincognito]

I’ll try keep this short.

Myself, brother and dad moved away from our hometown 15 years ago. We all lived together until 10 years ago where brother left for hometown and I left to be where I am now (40 minutes away from my dad, 2hr 20 away from hometown).

I’ll add at this point that during the initial stages of us all living far apart I used to get the train to see my brother and his now wife but felt like I was overstaying my welcome after a few nights, when they then had their DC it just kinda became not an option for me to get the train down and stay. However, upon issues with my husband myself and my then 18 month old daughter did go and stay for 2 nights upon me having some issues with her father (my brother collected us from home and drove us there). Everything was great! I was pregnant with my second child at this point.

I want to add also that neither of my children have been great travelers and both have created so much in the car they’ve eventually made themselves sick, my husband also didn’t have weekends off until 3 months ago when he changed jobs.

2 years ago my brother got married, my children were 2 and 6 months and the journey there and back was just awful, hysterical crying all the way on the journey home from my 6 month old, causing my 2 year old to feel like as horrified and we had 2 lots of sick to clean up from them on the way home (we pushed it and didn’t stop as we just thought it would prolong the agony).

Anyway, I haven’t seen brother since then.

This weekend they are visiting somewhere with their child and coming to see my dad and my family is only a 30 minute additional drive on top of a 4 hour one, but would split their journey up and of course, they’d see everyone.

When my dad asked my brother he didn’t reply, so I asked and the answers were really frosty. I knew deep down that he didn’t want to see us and was expecting a mundane excuse as to why and this happened yesterday. I was told they didn’t want to come as their 7yo was tired after 2 days of (fun activity).

I felt really upset by this, and told him so. I asked him not to use child tiredness as an excuse not to spend an additional 30-40 minutes in the car and split his journey up.

He spat back that the reason he doesn’t want to make the effort is because nobody makes it for him.

They both drive, I don’t. They have a 7 year old, I have a 2 and 4 year old who have never travelled well until recently where we have been pushing journey times. As soon as my husbands job changed the first thing I did was express to my brother that we will visit for a day out soon, I send cards for birthdays yet never receive them here, I send presents (at Xmas I bought and wrapped them for his DC, my children received amazon parcels) whenever we talk it’s always me opening the conversation.
He’s snapped that I only see him when in crisis (I’ve been a few times when having issues with my partner).

We weren’t included in his wedding, we felt like an afterthought. I’ve leant him money before he got with his partner and never expected it or fussed about it being given back. I’ve never treated him differently because we’ve not seen each other, we’re both guilty of needing to make more effort and I’ve never held him to account for having more tools to do this (car and driving ability).

I’m really hurt, it has been clear that his partner doesn’t like us, and that’s fine. We’re civil enough, she doesn’t have to like us. But this? I dunno. It just doesn’t seem like my brother at all.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

Thanks for reading so far if you have....

@Ellisandra I’m not trying to be passive aggressive. I’ve been understanding, I thought he had as well but clearly not.

I fear this is our relationship permanently broken and I’m very upset, I don’t know how I can fix it when he doesn’t want to see us.

So the way I read this is your brother came and got you and your children once or more than once when you had problems with your DH. You attended his wedding and then have had various excuses not to visit him. The main one being your children’s travel sickness. Your dad visits every few months.

Is there a reason, that while your a DH was unemployed or since he stopped working weekends, you could not go down alone with your dad?

This latest plan is for him to drive to your dads for a couple of hours then drive home. You think this is a 30 minute detour, while it is probably a few hours in reality. He originally said his child was too tired which I think is a perfect acceptable reason not to stop off and he has accepted that your children are travel sick as an excuse.

But you wouldn’t accept that excuse and pushed him into saying why should he when you don’t make the effort? So OP why should he when you have made no effort and have numerous excuses not to visit. After all he made a special effort for you when you needed him to.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to see you he just doesn’t want to make the effort of a detour when you haven’t bothered for years.

you say you told him not to use his childs tiredness as an excuse

sounds like you’re the one who went for the jugular. Another who wouldn’t do the drive you’re asking your brother to do - even a sibling i got along with!

You’re not going to listen though are you?

PS. Maybe learn to drive? It’ll make life much easier for you.

@Nanna50 there isn’t any reasons in all. My dad hasn’t asked, I haven’t asked to go with him. He’d have to drive an additional 40 minutes each way to get us too.

My brother is moaning that my dad isn’t making any effort either though, which is why he doesn’t want to visit my dad.

It doesn’t sound as though you like your sister in law much. Could some of the effort that your brother refers to be in relation to her? I would not be willing to put myself out to visit someone who is barely tolerant or hostile towards my other half.

Why didn’t you go with your dad on any of his Friday visits in the last 2 years?
Your kids aren’t in school, you’re not working.

I still want to know why a cat dying has stopped you visiting.

Just take this as a positive - your brother has now been honest with you. So talk to him. If you feel you’ve shown your effort in other ways (wrapping gifts) then talk to him about that.

You have to see his side... you think gift wrapping is you showing your effort. I think it’s a non event, maybe he does too.

You do say that he never initiates contact though. So maybe you have to accept he isn’t as bothered as you. But at least now you can be honest too - tell him, if you’re upset that you always text first.

But just leave the cat out the excuses when you do talk to him!

@chuckyeggtimestwo I did, I passed my test a month or so before my nephew was born but felt absolutely terrified in a car alone which resulted in a minor accident and I haven’t driven since. My husband bought me a car at the end of last year but I felt more comfortable driving his automatic- it’s very sporty though so I’m waiting until we get an suv (hopefully this year) to build up my driving confidence which will allow me a bit more freedom.

Don't ask who is unreasonable and then get defensive when the majority of people think it is you.

You haven't seen your brother in 2 years. Your brother who dropped everything and came to pick you up when you had a fight with your partner. I would be sick of your drama if the only time you came to see me was when your were fighting with your partner again.

Two years is unbelievable to not see a brother who has done so much for you. Your excuses are starting to sound like "I can't come, I'm washing my hair that day", they are petty with very clear work arounds.

It comes down to if seeing your brother was a priority, you would do it. Why did you not take the train just you to see your brother for a day and stay the night without your children? Why have you not learned to drive in the years you have been a SAHP? He clearly isn't a priority for you, so why should he bend over backwards to accommodate you? He did that previously, and what he got was 2 years of avoiding him. If you wanted to see him, you would have found a way.

You are unreasonable. You can either accept that and work to change it, or keep doubling down that you are perfectly blameless but have it without a relationship with your brother.

@Ellisandra the cat didn’t, it was just a reason why we’ve been a bit preoccupied recently, along with other stuff.

I would like to see my nephew too! I’d assume dad hasn’t invited us along as he was hoping they might all visit him soon.

Everything just seems tit for tat, I’m not trying to give excuses, life has got in the way but equally not just on my side. It’s come as a real shock that he’s been secretly holding this against me/ feeling used.

You see your excuses don’t add up, you haven’t thought to ask your dad and if 40 mins extra is ok for your brother to drive then it’s ok for your dad. You could travel to your dad, why would he need to come to you, you could leave the DCs with their dad so they don’t get sick and you could still see your brother.

It’s you who he can’t make the effort to drive to see today, not your dad, he sees him regularly anyway. And do you know what they might really just be too tired. I don’t think any of your reasons for not visiting are more valid than his reason for not wanting to detour.

How about you just admit that you haven’t made him a priority even though he has made you a priority when you needed him. Then maybe you can build bridges from there, go visit with your dad, alone if need be.

I'm with your brother. You don't work so have far more free time yet you expect him to do all the running around. It's not his fault you can't drive and won't use public transport.

Jeez, you drive but are picky about which fecking car, honest it gets worse, you really can’t see how this looks can you?

@Nanna50 huh? You’ve got mixed up I think.
We were going to go to my dads today, if my brother was. A 40 min drive for both sides bar my dad.

Its not his or his wifes fault you wont drive. Its yours.

The way you can mend this is:

Apologise for having a go at him as you were out of order.
Stop picking at everything they do, (the amazon parcels for example makes you sound ridiculous and ungrateful.)
Tell him you want to repair your relationship.
Be kind to his wife.
And visit.

Its all very simple. You can keep going round and round in circles making out he and his wife are at fault or you can be a drama llama and have no relationship.
Your choice.

Why is all this responsibility pinned on me? The non driver, the non worker and the one with 2 kids?

Christ. Genuinely? My dad gos to see him but doesn’t get visited either.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I didn’t think this would solely be my fault.

I fear this is our relationship permanently broken and I’m very upset, I don’t know how I can fix it when he doesn’t want to see us.

You have made several comments like this throughout the thread but you seems genuinely unwilling to fix it. YABU. If you want to fix it, then you make effort. Plus, it really sounds like you're just creating drama where there doesn't need to be any.

Your dad asked them to stop by but they didn't want to because they will all be tired, seems far enough to me, then when challenged he said that you didn't make the effort so that's why he wasn't willing to.

I think he had a solid and reasonable excuse, I think the fact he was nagged to come made him realise ten relationship is fairly one sided with you.

If you want to fix things, then just say to him that's your are sorry he feels that way and you would like to make more effort to improve your relationship (and the cousins). Then you make effort to see him.

I think we all see the world differently and effort can be defined in so many ways. It can be spending time, spending money, communication, paying attention etc, and it can be a combination of all those things and more. Often relationships tip one way or another over time, there were times you relied on your brother to help you through difficult times, but it sounds like as soon as everything is ok again you disappear, and only turn to him in crisis. The only way to resolve that is to ask effort when times are not in crisis.

Do you have anxiety or depression OP? I just sounds very dramatic statements like he wants you to visits so your on the verge of a breakdown from a 2 hour trip with your children.

I have regularly taken mine on 12 hours journeys (one way) and once been stuck in traffic for an ADDITIONAL 7 hours, kids being sick, kids being upset, us being upset and stressed but I wouldn't say I was on the verge of a breakdown.i appreciate we all respond differently, but it just seems a very dramatic reaction. (I am trying to be genuine here, I worry if you need some help, perhaps visit your GP).

I do understand that times rush ahead with us, and having not seen him in 2 years, I don't think that's the issue particularly, after all life gets in the way and you youngest is only 2, while I always travelled with babies I can understand why some wouldn't travel with an infant. But I think now your brother has pointed this out, you just need to make an effort to fix it.

The ball is in your court here, your brother isn't being unreasonable at all, so if you actually do want to fix this, call him up yourself and talk. Arrange a weekend to meet. Up, maybe half way?

Correction **
Its all very simple. You can keep going round and round in circles making out he and his wife are at fault and be a drama llama or you can have a relationship.
Your choice.

I am sure you can arrange with your bro to meet up at another time if this is important to you.

If it's not affordable for you to travel to his - or meet up half way between - then perhaps schedule regular Skype chats?

Focus on the future and on building bridges and try not to dwell on the rights and wrongs of the past as there are two sides to every story and both of you feel in the right.

So you had no money and had MIL pay your bills, yet now you have a car you won’t even drive AND a sports car and you’re planning an SUV. And you can drive the automatic - so this is all bullshit excuses.

Why is all this responsibility pinned on me? The non driver, the non worker and the one with 2 kids?

Christ. Genuinely? My dad gos to see him but doesn’t get visited either.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I didn’t think this would solely be my fault.

I don't see why the driver issue is a problem, presumably you manage to get around normally? If it's an issue why haven't you learnt to drive? I'm confused as to why you think it's your brother responsibility because you don't drive?

It's a choice to have children and not work, many mothers work with children and many mothers don't, it's hardly a unique situation.

I don't "work" and I have 4 children (two with special needs), I do not expect anyone to make an effort to see me and me not see them.

Your fathers and brothers relationship isn't really your business, if he has an issue then he can raise that with him.

The fact he works (and presumably she does given your comments) is more reason why his time is limited, so an extra 4 hours time lost in traveling is precious, yet he did 8 hours travelling when you needed him and I think that shows a lot about him.

Regardless, you want to keep arguing this out, but you can't change him, you can only change yourself, so if YOU want a relationship then put in some effort and if your unwilling to do so then don't complain when the relationship fizzles out.

I’m not mixed up, you wanted your brother and his family to make a 40 minute detour today. The same extra time it would have taken for you or your dad should you have chosen to visit your brother with him in the last two years. I don’t mean today.

And your not a non driver.

Reading between the lines it sounds like your DH is maybe a source of a lot of your problems and perhaps your brother is fed up listening to it/fixing it/picking up the slack.

Also- you’ve had the ability to drive for 7 years- sorry but I can now totally see why your brother is pissed off. All that stuff about husband working weekends and public transport is entirely irrelevant in light of that massive drip feed. You’ve had no excuse at all not to go and see him with or without your husband.

@Snog is correct rather than dwelling on blame just move forward if you want to build a relationship.

You aren't a non driver you refuse to drive big difference. This is entirely your fault. Every excuse you have given has been garbage. I dont blame him at all.