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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

154 replies

Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 08:56

I’ll try keep this short.

Myself, brother and dad moved away from our hometown 15 years ago. We all lived together until 10 years ago where brother left for hometown and I left to be where I am now (40 minutes away from my dad, 2hr 20 away from hometown).

I’ll add at this point that during the initial stages of us all living far apart I used to get the train to see my brother and his now wife but felt like I was overstaying my welcome after a few nights, when they then had their DC it just kinda became not an option for me to get the train down and stay. However, upon issues with my husband myself and my then 18 month old daughter did go and stay for 2 nights upon me having some issues with her father (my brother collected us from home and drove us there). Everything was great! I was pregnant with my second child at this point.

I want to add also that neither of my children have been great travelers and both have created so much in the car they’ve eventually made themselves sick, my husband also didn’t have weekends off until 3 months ago when he changed jobs.

2 years ago my brother got married, my children were 2 and 6 months and the journey there and back was just awful, hysterical crying all the way on the journey home from my 6 month old, causing my 2 year old to feel like as horrified and we had 2 lots of sick to clean up from them on the way home (we pushed it and didn’t stop as we just thought it would prolong the agony).

Anyway, I haven’t seen brother since then.

This weekend they are visiting somewhere with their child and coming to see my dad and my family is only a 30 minute additional drive on top of a 4 hour one, but would split their journey up and of course, they’d see everyone.

When my dad asked my brother he didn’t reply, so I asked and the answers were really frosty. I knew deep down that he didn’t want to see us and was expecting a mundane excuse as to why and this happened yesterday. I was told they didn’t want to come as their 7yo was tired after 2 days of (fun activity).

I felt really upset by this, and told him so. I asked him not to use child tiredness as an excuse not to spend an additional 30-40 minutes in the car and split his journey up.

He spat back that the reason he doesn’t want to make the effort is because nobody makes it for him.

They both drive, I don’t. They have a 7 year old, I have a 2 and 4 year old who have never travelled well until recently where we have been pushing journey times. As soon as my husbands job changed the first thing I did was express to my brother that we will visit for a day out soon, I send cards for birthdays yet never receive them here, I send presents (at Xmas I bought and wrapped them for his DC, my children received amazon parcels) whenever we talk it’s always me opening the conversation.
He’s snapped that I only see him when in crisis (I’ve been a few times when having issues with my partner).

We weren’t included in his wedding, we felt like an afterthought. I’ve leant him money before he got with his partner and never expected it or fussed about it being given back. I’ve never treated him differently because we’ve not seen each other, we’re both guilty of needing to make more effort and I’ve never held him to account for having more tools to do this (car and driving ability).

I’m really hurt, it has been clear that his partner doesn’t like us, and that’s fine. We’re civil enough, she doesn’t have to like us. But this? I dunno. It just doesn’t seem like my brother at all.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

Thanks for reading so far if you have....

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 27/05/2019 10:20

How come he isn't seeing your dad? Your first post says that he came to visit somewhere with his child and see his dad... I'm confused.

The problem seems to be that there is a power struggle. You each want to dictate how you meet up. I probably would have accepted that the trip to dad's wasn't going to happen and asked if there was any way you could see him before he heads home. See if there was another option.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:22

@Wonderwoman98 yeah my dad takes the drive up there once every few months and does the same to us.
They were once very close, it surprises me that they don’t drive up to see my dad at all tbh. They used to, nothing has changed. It’s why I feel it’s his wife’s doing a little bit, none of us treat her differently but it is obvious she doesn’t like us. I’m not fussed about that though, I just wish it didn’t have to make our relationship awkward.

Our mum died of cancer before she hit the age of 60, 6 years ago. Even though we don’t often see my dad I take it as it is and accept that it’ll be easier as my kids get older to hop on the train.

Me and my brother used to be close too, which is why it’s come as a bit of surprise that seeing us with a 30 minute detour is out of the question. When he’s as to blame as us.

He hasn’t come up unless I’ve needed him, never comes alone, I dunno. It just doesn’t seem right to me tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:23

@gottastopeatingchocolate they’ve gone to legoland which is 2.5 hrs away from us and my dad invited them to his to break up their journey and have some food and see everyone but he’s declined on the basis no one makes an effort for them

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:24

@gottastopeatingchocolate if he just said no that would have been fine. He didn’t fully say no until last night however, even though we all know he would’ve anyway.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 27/05/2019 10:26

Really, you owe him big time for the effort he went to when you had problems with your husband.

He probably sees it as you always wanting the effort involved to meet to come from him. And this is yet another one of those times. As you keep saying, you are going to your Dad's anyway.

If you want to salvage the relationship, then you need to make all the effort at some point. If you think he's unreasonable and you don't want to be the one putting the effort in, then nothing is going to change from the way it is now, and you have to find a way to be ok with that.

slashlover · 27/05/2019 10:28

You keep saying about your DHs job. Are you saying he has had no annual leave in the last two years?

Have you asked them to stay at yours during the last 2 years? It wouldn't matter if your DP was working then surely?

Wonderwoman98 · 27/05/2019 10:28

Sorry about your mum Jellybean X

Could you perhaps make the journey with your dad the next time he goes and leave the kids at home with their dad? See if you could build some bridges?

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 10:29

So nobody makes an effort to go to see him (car sickness), yet he's supposed to make an effort and go out of his way to see you?
Hell no. I wouldn't be arsed.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 10:30

As for being busy with a cat dying......... Well I'll say no more on that.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 10:31

Out of a matter of interest, how busy were you with said cat dying? Seriously?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/05/2019 10:31

This is one of those threads where everybody is going to say you are being unreasonable but you wont accept it.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 10:32

Sounds like your cat is more important than your brother. He has realised that. So he's not arsed to make an effort anymore.

ChicCroissant · 27/05/2019 10:33

I felt really upset by this, and told him so. I asked him not to use child tiredness as an excuse not to spend an additional 30-40 minutes in the car and split his journey up.

So you claim your own children are not good travellers so you can't visit, but it's not OK for his child to be tired or not want to travel? YABU, OP.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:33

@gottastopeatingchocolate his child is tired, I was upset that he used that as his initial excuse before telling me he didn’t want to make any effort for people that don’t make it for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:34

@DockerDre my cat died 2 months ago, it’s one of the reasons we haven’t been since my husbands job changed

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:35

@Wonderwoman98 I’m not sure. He hasn’t been to visit my dad in at least 5 years, my dad gos every few months but I think he gos on a Friday so barely sees my nephew.

I’m not sure I can move on from this tbh. He is just as to blame for no effort being made.

OP posts:
DizzySue · 27/05/2019 10:36

I think you are both finding excuses and trying to justify not seeing each other.

The truth is probably that neither of you really want to see each other, not all siblings are close.

Could you just accept that and let go of the hurt?

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 10:36

Jaysus. I've heard it all now.

You couldn't travel because of children, yet you want him to travel with children.

2 months after the fucking CAT dying, you're still not well?

Are you right in the head woman?

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:37

I know I am being unreasonable, I think my reasons are valid though and he did know this.
He’s just as full as excuses and no effort as me. Which is why I’m upset that he’s using it against me when I never would to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:37

@DockerDre it’s one of the reasons. I’m fine btw, it’s only been 3 months we’ve been able to go and have been a bit occupied so far. I wanted to go at the end of next month, but I’m sure that won’t happen now

OP posts:
araiwa · 27/05/2019 10:38

So the only time you visited him in 2 years was because you needed somewhere to sleep and he had to come get you and take you back?

I wonder why he thinks you cant be arsed....

Ive seen my brother more than that and were 2 flights and 14 hours apart

Its a poor do

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 10:39

Well I never..........

Nowt as queer as folk.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:39

@araiwa no that was almost 3 years ago, we went to their wedding 2 years ago and haven’t seen them since.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 27/05/2019 10:40

@araiwa he knew our situation and knew if he went to dads we would see him there. But he hasn’t been there either.

OP posts:
DockerDre · 27/05/2019 10:40

You don't care about him, he doesn't care about you. End of story.