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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To kick out my pregnant 20 yr old DD?

148 replies

Navigateashitstorm · 26/05/2019 17:20

I know the title of this thread sounds harsh but i’m honestly at breaking point and would appreciate all opinions.

DD is 14 weeks pregnant. She has been in a relationship with the baby’s father (also 20) since Feburary and would have conceived within the first few weeks of knowing him. He has a child from a previous relationship, is currently unemployed and living in temporary accommodation. He is under the care system currently supported by a social worker who is helping him get a permanent place to live. However, he appears to want a bachelor life of gaming and smoking dope with friends and pretty much told DD she isn’t welcome there. He still wants to be a couple but not live or raise the baby together.

DD is also unemployed, dropped out of college last year and has a history of severe mental health issues (depression, self harm, suicide attempts) She shows all the signs of BPD but undiagnosed as she refuses to follow through with appointments or doctor referrals. It’s been 5 years of hell, I can’t even begin to explain what she has put me through. Think, drugs, stealing, lies, violence, a string of unhealthy relationships with criminals not to mention a pattern of disappearing without contact. She struggles to maintain any type of friendships, thinks the world is against her and refuses to take responsibility for absolutely anything.

I have tried to help her in so many ways. I’ve given her a safe place to land whenever she comes home, usually after months of absence and always with a tale of woe. I’ve listened, encouraged, loved and supported in every possible way imaginable, yet the way she treats me, her siblings and my home is truly awful. She shouts, screams and smashes things and has even got physical with me and her younger sisters over the smallest of things. It’s clear she is deeply unhappy and has been for years but her behaviour towards others is quite toxic. She wants this baby yet, I honestly don’t think she is capable of looking after it and i’m terrified.

I’ve tried to help her find work, offered to pay for college, even support a business venture...literally anything to help give her some sense purpose and direction and a better future for her child. She just isn’t interested and continues to sleep all day and stay up all night. Now she is pregnant her mood swings and outbursts have escalated and twice in the last week she has assaulted me. Once pulling me down to the ground by my hair and the other when she threw a full cup of coffee over me (thankfully it was cold).

I have two young DD’s aged 7 and 9, they witnessed both incidents and hear her calling me a c**t and other awful words. I need to protect them but at the same time DD needs help. I just don’t know what to do.

I worry for DD and this child as I don’t think she has it in her to care for it. If she stays at home she’ll expect me to look after the baby and I can’t see her behaviour changing. With two primary aged DC’s and a demanding job I don’t think I have the strength.

OP posts:

sincethereis · 26/05/2019 17:21

YANBU

i would. Tough love.

Thehop · 26/05/2019 17:22

YANBU at all

You can’t love like this, you’ve done enough.

Maybe tough love will be the push she needs to get some help?

Do you have any support?

EmrysAtticus · 26/05/2019 17:24

Yes you need to to protect your children.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/05/2019 17:24

Your current duty is primarily to your younger two children. Are social services aware/concerned about her pregnancy?

CodenameVillanelle · 26/05/2019 17:24

I hope you plan on referring the baby to social services for assessment. In the meantime yes you do need to protect your younger children and if you were to make her homeless she could access emergency/temporary accommodation. Be aware though that asking her to move out probably guarantees that she won't cope with the baby; but I'm not sure how you can avoid that as it would be too risky to have her and a baby living with you and your other DCs.

Ilovemylabrador · 26/05/2019 17:25

You need to put her out. Abuse is escalating. It’s now time to step back - call 999 and report the assaults - you need to protect yourself before she kills you

BobbyBrewstersMagicTorch · 26/05/2019 17:25

I think you should talk to social services if you're concerned for her welfare and that of her child.

You must tell her that this behaviour won't be tolerated any longer and she needs to go elsewhere.

MustardBastard · 26/05/2019 17:26

Your younger children are your priority here. Your eldest is an adult. Obviously she could do with your support but not at the expense of your younger two.

NoBaggyPants · 26/05/2019 17:26

People with BPD usually have trauma in their past. Is there anything in your daughter's past that might explain these behaviours?

My concern would be that if you chucked her out, that she'll not long be dead. Sorry to be blunt, but it does sound like things are that bad and you'll be pushing her towards someone with an even more chaotic lifestyle. Can you get an agreement from her that she'll seek help, on the understanding that if she doesn't she can no longer live with you?

Soubriquet · 26/05/2019 17:26

Oh that’s difficult....

Where would she actually go?

What would happen to the baby if you aren’t around to look after it?

I get where you are coming from, you should feel safe in your own home, especially with two young children. But I don’t think I could do it knowing there will be a baby involved

TurboTeddy · 26/05/2019 17:27

It sounds like you have done everything in your power to help and you must feel heartbroken to be facing this decision but I think given the violence and abuse you must ask her to leave. Your worry won't end but at least your home will feel like a safer place for you and the rest of your family. I wish you all the very best.

Orchidflower1 · 26/05/2019 17:27

Is there a family member she could stay with eg aunt/ gp? That way you’re giving the tough love and looking after your younger children but still keeping her in the family?

I’d be inclined to phone her midwife and keep her in the loop too. Could she have any social services help?

Mooey89 · 26/05/2019 17:28

YANBU.
Does she have a social worker?
You need to ask her to leave - if you had a partner who was assaulting you and your young children were witnessing it you wouldn’t think of him staying, you have to prioritise your younger children.

I would speak to children’s services about what support they can offer your daughter - and see if she will agree to see a social worker from Adult mental health

HollowTalk · 26/05/2019 17:28

I think her baby should be taken into care, tbh. It doesn't sound as though she's safe to be around.

Singlenotsingle · 26/05/2019 17:29

For her own sake, and the baby's, it would probably be best if the baby was adopted. You clearly can't look after it, and neither can she.

OddCat · 26/05/2019 17:30

I truly sympathise with you- I've had exactly the same with my dd21 apart from the pregnancy. She now shares a flat with her partner and things are so much better between us. Sometimes you have to just let go and support and love them from a distance.

tensmum1964 · 26/05/2019 17:30

So sorry that you are going through this. If your children are witnessing this then they are living in a household with domestic violence. This is a child protection issue. You have to refuse to house her for the sake of your younger children. You can still love her and to an extent support her but regardless of MH issues she needs to leave. As she is pregnant she will be given emergency accom. I imagine her behaviour etc will be picked up in the temp accom and Social services will become involved. In the long run you will have done her a favour by making her leave.

Karmin · 26/05/2019 17:31

It is awful and one of the hardest things you will do, but you need to get her removed.

She is your daughter, but also an adult. Whilst Social Care/Council will have a duty to ensure baby is housed she doesn't have the same requirements. She is not pregnant enough to get Social Care help yet.

Have you given any consideration to the possibility she may dump baby onto you? Either willingly or because social care give her no choice.

Good luck, you have to protect the younger two though.

ImaginaryCat · 26/05/2019 17:32

I think if you kick her out and she has to plead homelessness, that baby stands a far better chance at having a suitable amount of social services input. Living with you, DD and the baby are likely to slip through the cracks, as it'll fall to you to pick up the pieces. If she's out on her ear, they've got to deal with her.

PurpleDaisies · 26/05/2019 17:33

For her own sake, and the baby's, it would probably be best if the baby was adopted. You clearly can't look after it, and neither can she.

That’s not the op’s decision and there would have to be far more than described above for SS to remove the baby against the daughter’s will.

breakfastpizza · 26/05/2019 17:35

Have you discussed abortion with her? I would offer to support her through that, but be very clear you won't be offering support otherwise.

Jimmy2345 · 26/05/2019 17:35

In These circumstances and in light of the fact she’s assaulted you, yes I would

Aprillygirl · 26/05/2019 17:37

It won't be easy but for the sake of your little one's and for your own sanity I can't see that you have a choice but to throw your DD out. You don't mention her father,is he on the scene at all?

missminagrindlay · 26/05/2019 17:37

I'd kick her out and let SS know she is pregnant.

Iris1654 · 26/05/2019 17:37

Can’t you find her a mother and baby unit?
My neighbours daughter was 17 and a nightmare. They got her a place in an assisted unit. Two years later she really pulled herself together, it was the shock she needed.

I’d do t he same.

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