To kick out my pregnant 20 yr old DD?

[Navigateashitstorm]

I know the title of this thread sounds harsh but i’m honestly at breaking point and would appreciate all opinions.

DD is 14 weeks pregnant. She has been in a relationship with the baby’s father (also 20) since Feburary and would have conceived within the first few weeks of knowing him. He has a child from a previous relationship, is currently unemployed and living in temporary accommodation. He is under the care system currently supported by a social worker who is helping him get a permanent place to live. However, he appears to want a bachelor life of gaming and smoking dope with friends and pretty much told DD she isn’t welcome there. He still wants to be a couple but not live or raise the baby together.

DD is also unemployed, dropped out of college last year and has a history of severe mental health issues (depression, self harm, suicide attempts) She shows all the signs of BPD but undiagnosed as she refuses to follow through with appointments or doctor referrals. It’s been 5 years of hell, I can’t even begin to explain what she has put me through. Think, drugs, stealing, lies, violence, a string of unhealthy relationships with criminals not to mention a pattern of disappearing without contact. She struggles to maintain any type of friendships, thinks the world is against her and refuses to take responsibility for absolutely anything.

I have tried to help her in so many ways. I’ve given her a safe place to land whenever she comes home, usually after months of absence and always with a tale of woe. I’ve listened, encouraged, loved and supported in every possible way imaginable, yet the way she treats me, her siblings and my home is truly awful. She shouts, screams and smashes things and has even got physical with me and her younger sisters over the smallest of things. It’s clear she is deeply unhappy and has been for years but her behaviour towards others is quite toxic. She wants this baby yet, I honestly don’t think she is capable of looking after it and i’m terrified.

I’ve tried to help her find work, offered to pay for college, even support a business venture...literally anything to help give her some sense purpose and direction and a better future for her child. She just isn’t interested and continues to sleep all day and stay up all night. Now she is pregnant her mood swings and outbursts have escalated and twice in the last week she has assaulted me. Once pulling me down to the ground by my hair and the other when she threw a full cup of coffee over me (thankfully it was cold).

I have two young DD’s aged 7 and 9, they witnessed both incidents and hear her calling me a c**t and other awful words. I need to protect them but at the same time DD needs help. I just don’t know what to do.

I worry for DD and this child as I don’t think she has it in her to care for it. If she stays at home she’ll expect me to look after the baby and I can’t see her behaviour changing. With two primary aged DC’s and a demanding job I don’t think I have the strength.

this will get the proper help she needs and maybe "sort her out" professionally.

YANBU

but you won't, will you. She might end up on the streets.
Most people aren't tough enough to do it.

And it isn't like the old days. The taxpayer will most likely keep her in clover nowadays, so the only one losing out will be you.

You need to discuss this with professionals.

Your primary responsibility is your young daughters (7&9).

The adult pregnant daughter needs to live somewhere else immediately. Pack her things & make the necessary calls, including to the police.

To second a PP, could you find her a mother and baby unit?

@Navigateashitstorm my mum was in a very similar position when my sister was young! The best advice I can give you is to get in contact with social services and ask them for help, she does sound like she needs to be under a mental health midwife and getting extra support, if she refuses this then they will just take the baby of her!! If you kick her out it will happen anyway xx good luck 💐

in the uk they dont have mother and baby units like say america. theyre nhs and you`re referred to them by a social worker/ HCP.

Yanbu. I would kick her out and change the locks.

i agree. pack her stuff, her out, take off her keys. call the police. call social services (police will anyway).

She won’t end up on the streets with a baby in tow, it just won’t happen. The kindest thing to do here would be to contact SS and see if they can assist and offer some advice. It isn’t safe for your other DC.

If your daughters bf is still under the care system I believe, once Social Care are informed, both he and your daughter will receive an assessment of their potential parenting capacity. This may well be really positive for everyone concerned and particularly the baby. I do not think YABU wanting her to leave your home, in fact Social Care would probably advise you that she would need to leave in order for you to show you're keeping your younger children safe. I think you need to contact Social Care immediately

YANBU - it's a massively hard decision but you seem to have tried everything. You have to think of your younger children and also yourself. She sounds a completely nightmare and sometimes you just can't give anymore without getting a little effort from her.

A mother and baby unit seems a bad idea if she assaults people. You also have to think about the other women and children that live there.

Sending you huge hugs OP. What a tough situation to be in

I got kicked out for doing Art A level the first time (just 18yrs) and snogging a lad the second time (20yrs).

Your DD has done WAY worse and absolutely no way would anyone on here tell you to stay with a man doing this to you so please do tell her to leave or you will be raising more children who think her behaviour is acceptable and is to be repeated.

She will be fine. I was.. twice.. plus as she is pregnant she will get more support. Her actions, her consequences - not yours.

Oh OP. My heart breaks for you. My eldest is 20 and has BPD and she can be a total nightmare, I could have written the same about her but without the assault.....however she has told so many vicious and horrifying lies about me it's unreal. My daughter is currently living with an abusive user and has consciously made the choice to come off the injection to get pregnant simply to spite me ( her words). She lives in a grotty b&b, can't get and hold a job and I know 100% that she will never be able to raise a baby so if she DOES get pregnant I will ultimately end up raising my grandchild/ren. I even offered to pay for a flat for them on the condition that she gets the implant and leaves it in....she told me to go fuck myself and stop controlling her life. She can't even brush her teeth or get out of bed but thinks pregnancy will be great and she can go on the dole and get a house. She worries me and her dad every second of every day and I know my entire life is going to be taken over by worrying, even when she doesn't live with me. A few weeks ago I heard a body had been found on the back of the road where she lives and I thought " oh my god, either he's killed her or she has overdosed" and I am ashamed to say that for a split second I felt relief at the prospect of getting some normality back into my life.....it upset me that much I threw up in the car and cried for 3 days about how much of a monster I am. I love her but I hate her at times, there is very little that is even likeable about her and it kills me that my daughter is trapped inside such nightmare inside her own head. She is beautiful on the outside and presents as very nice and sweet but within weeks of meeting her, people run for the hills as she is so very messed up. I want to hug her and help her and she won't allow it, she makes it her life's work to punish me for her pain. It's almost destroyed my marriage time and time again and her siblings hate her.

It is incredibly hard and I really do feel for you. But in your position I would 100% tell her to get out. You need to protect your children, and yourself.

I would contact social services and see what advice and support they can offer. Obviously it’s a difficult situation if she is not willing to engage with help.

As for BPD, as other posters have pointed out, this is hugely correlated with childhood trauma. ADHD often presents quite similarly and it has been argued that there are a lot of people incorrectly diagnosed with BPD when it’s actually ADHD. Might be worth exploring as it’s generally much more ‘treatable’ and doesn’t carry the same stigma (not that the BPD stigma should exist, but realistically it does), so perhaps she might be more prepared to have an assessment.

You have done so well, but you need to protect your younger children. Phone up social services and explain what you have said here, that your children are witnessing it. Otherwise SS will be involved anyway when the children tell people at school what they have witnessed at home.
Such a hard decision to do but pulling you to the ground and throwing a cup of coffee that they didn’t know is cold is actually quite bad assaults.

You can't just find her a mother and baby unit. They are all accessed through referral.

You poor thing,

Those piously saying 'I wouldn't ever throw my DD out'... have you actually read the OP? She has not only assaulted her Mum but also her youngest sibling who is 7. There comes a time when enough is enough.

You have to think about your younger children and how this affecting them and if that is calling a halt to her living there, so be it.

I’m not intending to be pious, Rousette, but the post did ask and I answered, honestly.

I couldn’t. Time would tell whether that was the right thing to do or not. But I couldn’t.

I'd also be wondering about childhood. Afaik, people are not born with BPD.

Well it’s made up of many factors. There is no need to heap guilt into the op.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/causes/

You've a 20 yo and a 9 and 7yo. I'm guessing different dad now for the younger two? Are any of the Dads in the picture in your life?

You know yourself pregnancy is a stressful time, particularly when she has nowhere to go and her boyfriend hasn't a home either.

BPD is a shit diagnosis to get. But something caused it (imo). Have you any idea what might have caused it? Is it something you could talk to her about?

All that said, I think for your dd's sake, she is better off alone in a place where she's not constantly angry and fighting. So formally throwing her out and informing the council, might be a gift in disguise for her.

Fair enough Rose. It's just when the available options seem to have gone for the OP, and the behaviour is just worsening whereby it's affecting young children, I just sometimes think you have to take a stand for the vulnerable children in the house (and given how awful this is, they are vulnerable) ....maybe it would be the wake up call needed for this girl? Who knows.
I can sense how desperate navigate is... what a truly awful situation to be in.

Honey, I wouldn't be taking the NHS website as the oracle on anything...