To kick out my pregnant 20 yr old DD?

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I know the title of this thread sounds harsh but i’m honestly at breaking point and would appreciate all opinions.

DD is 14 weeks pregnant. She has been in a relationship with the baby’s father (also 20) since Feburary and would have conceived within the first few weeks of knowing him. He has a child from a previous relationship, is currently unemployed and living in temporary accommodation. He is under the care system currently supported by a social worker who is helping him get a permanent place to live. However, he appears to want a bachelor life of gaming and smoking dope with friends and pretty much told DD she isn’t welcome there. He still wants to be a couple but not live or raise the baby together.

DD is also unemployed, dropped out of college last year and has a history of severe mental health issues (depression, self harm, suicide attempts) She shows all the signs of BPD but undiagnosed as she refuses to follow through with appointments or doctor referrals. It’s been 5 years of hell, I can’t even begin to explain what she has put me through. Think, drugs, stealing, lies, violence, a string of unhealthy relationships with criminals not to mention a pattern of disappearing without contact. She struggles to maintain any type of friendships, thinks the world is against her and refuses to take responsibility for absolutely anything.

I have tried to help her in so many ways. I’ve given her a safe place to land whenever she comes home, usually after months of absence and always with a tale of woe. I’ve listened, encouraged, loved and supported in every possible way imaginable, yet the way she treats me, her siblings and my home is truly awful. She shouts, screams and smashes things and has even got physical with me and her younger sisters over the smallest of things. It’s clear she is deeply unhappy and has been for years but her behaviour towards others is quite toxic. She wants this baby yet, I honestly don’t think she is capable of looking after it and i’m terrified.

I’ve tried to help her find work, offered to pay for college, even support a business venture...literally anything to help give her some sense purpose and direction and a better future for her child. She just isn’t interested and continues to sleep all day and stay up all night. Now she is pregnant her mood swings and outbursts have escalated and twice in the last week she has assaulted me. Once pulling me down to the ground by my hair and the other when she threw a full cup of coffee over me (thankfully it was cold).

I have two young DD’s aged 7 and 9, they witnessed both incidents and hear her calling me a c**t and other awful words. I need to protect them but at the same time DD needs help. I just don’t know what to do.

I worry for DD and this child as I don’t think she has it in her to care for it. If she stays at home she’ll expect me to look after the baby and I can’t see her behaviour changing. With two primary aged DC’s and a demanding job I don’t think I have the strength.

Calling 999 or throwing her out with nowhere to go isn’t going to help.
Perhaps you could help her get assistance and support by making a referral to ss and taking her to the gp/midwife or a and e for psychiatric assessment they may act fast as there’s a baby involved and then she can with the help of professionals access help and accommodation

I agree you have to keep your younger dc safe and yourself but if it was me I’d really give this one last chance and on tuesday be calling/visiting all the relevant people

Your dd sounds very angry at you and I wonder why that is? I know you've a diagnosis you think can explain it, but has she any reason to be angry with you?

Having adult DDs who aren't going through anything like this at all, at a certain age they could've had an argument in an empty room. Nothing, absolutely nothing, gives this daughter the right to shout, scream, smash stuff and hit her mother and younger sibling. Your questions on this make it sound like the poor OP (who sounds very caring) is at fault in some way.

I know someone who has exactly the same pattern as this and she has not experienced trauma - quite the opposite had a very secure and normal upbringing - in fact quite spoilt . However I do think this person I know has some kind of undiagnosed PD as she starting telling lies right from primary school .

For the sake of your children she cannot be in the home.
You need to ask her to leave by presenting as homeless. You can still offer support to her even if she does not live in your home- you are not letting her down.
Just to reiterate points about supports including mother and baby placements- these are not easy to come by and require an assessment of suitability and referral which would be dependent on her engaging.
All you can do is make it clear she can't live with you but you will still offer support. The rest is her decision.

Do not condone that shit. Kick her out.
She's an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself, regardless of being traumatic unbringing, pregnant, BPD, whatever.
You are not helping her, putting up with her violent behaviour.
She'll be rehoused temporarily then permanently as she be given priority. Time will tell what kind of parent she'll be.

The fathers in care and she has mental health issues. They would certainly look into her risk of possible future emotional harm

@dockerdre says me. I had no childhood trauma. I was just very sensitive/emotional which my parents didnt handle well. I have tried to kill myself in the past but that is as violent as it gets. Never assualted anyone, abused drunks/alcohol, been promiscuous or any of the other traits that get trotted out.

I actually dont have the diagnosis anymore, as I no longer meet the criteria. I just suffered from chronically low self esteem.

It does bother me that people assume everyone with bpd is a certain way. It has actually been renamed to emotional something disorder (I cant remember exactly) which much better explains, to me, what it is.

Sorry to derail OP. I think you need to ger SS/police involved.

No I couldn't personally. She sounds very vunerable and only seems to have you. Although you have your little ones to think about you also have your unborn grandchild. I would also ask SS to step in.

I could have written your letter, except that my 20-year-old left home to live with the mentally disturbed birth father. I was worried sick about her and the baby, but she refused to come home unless the bf was allowed too, and I was afraid of him.
After 18 months on their own, he was in jail and she was in rehab and I was given permanent custody of my grandson, whom I raised. It took his mother 15 years to "grow up" and she missed out on raising a terrific boy, but we are a family again. Don't give up hope!

you need to safeguard your younger children AND her unborn child - SS need to be informed about her volatile behaviour, aggression, her partners lifestyle (does HIS SW know he's going to be a dad?)

She needs supervision and help - but you can't do it because she will never let you.

I feel for you OP - My 16 year old lives 85% of the time with her dad because her behaviour towards me and her siblings was so dangerous - it's best for everyone hard though it is

Thank you for all of your replies. I have played out so many scenarios in my head as well as torture myself as to what has caused her to be this way. I suspect the trauma of divorce has played a massive part in all of this, she was 15 and no doubt heard things my younger two were oblivious to. My Exh is useless and doesn’t really know how to deal with her. She refuses to see him and hates his new gf for no apparent reason. Then again she seems to hate everyone, including me.

I have considered contacting social services and/or her midwife but I know she would accuse me of interfering and probably never forgive me. I also want to be absolutely sure it doesn’t result in her being isolated from her family, should they conclude that she does needs to leave. It’s all such a mess.

Go to social services now and tell them what you've posted her. Explain they need to help her work out a plan - she will be priority for social housing but clearly she needs more than that. They will be able to support her.

Op seriously you can’t live like this & you have yourself to put first as your other dc need you.

Take her to your district council and tell them she has nowhere to sleep and is of, advise them as she has assaulted you she has become homeless

Tbh it’s probably better that you support her in a different way and from arms length. Your dd is an adult and needs to start behaving as an adult that has made the choices she has

Tbh I doubt as will be terrible interested, sorry but at 20 they will want to leave your dd to someone else

Says who? You?

BPD, which again, the OP's DD has no diagnosis of, is not always caused by childhood trauma so you can stop blaming the OP for causing it.

BPD

Your worried about if she would forgive you but how about you won't forgive her for carrying on like this!
She can't play the pregnancy card and not actually take care of herself and her unborn child.
I would kick her out now before the child is here, let her get a taste of how hard it is and hopefully she will realise she needs to grow up or accept help. If she doesn't and hates you well it sounds like it's going that way already with how she's acting.
She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life.
I had two parents who hated each other, pregnant at 16, rushed in to marriage with a man who did sweet fuck all. But I still took care of my responsibilities and child

No way would I throw out my child and grandchild, no way

Then you would be failing your other 2 DC.

Come on navigate you haven't got time to "consider". You need to DO something now, before your DD does some serious damage or injures someone, maybe one of your younger children.

You need to get her out. She is an adult. She has choices. She has made choices.

Your minor children have no choice in this.

She needs to go before SS come after you for exposing your children to domestic abuse.

I think this will end badly if you kick her out. I had something similar but nowhere near as bad and no pregnancy and I basically sent the younger ones tolive with their dad ... is that an option?

I would make a referral to social services. And kick her out.

And I'm known as a pushover in general.

Police and social services. Make it clear you are supportive know the background. You dont want to drive her further into a dysfunctional system but that baby needs help. Is she drinking/taking drugs now?
Call SS and run them through the situation and explain your fears for your unborn grandchild.

As the bf is still in the care system, there will already be SS involvement. You should contact the social worker handling the bf’s case. They need to know about your DD’s pregnancy if they don’t already.

And you do need to tell your DD to leave. As she’s pregnant and vulnerable, she will be a priority case for council accommodation. If you don’t throw her out, Social Services will have concerns about your younger DC.

"She shouts, screams and smashes things and has even got physical with me and her younger sisters over the smallest of things. ... Now she is pregnant her mood swings and outbursts have escalated and twice in the last week she has assaulted me."

Yes, she needs to go. You owe it to your two younger daughters (and yourself, but I suspect you put yourself at the bottom of your priorities, so I'm emphasising the needs of your youngsters).

There's a saying - 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.' It sounds to me as if you've always been supportive - and it's not doing a damn thing for either of you. If you keep on being supportive, she's going to keep on too. You need to change your behaviour, to protect yourself and your other daughters. Only then is there the remotest chance she'll change her behaviour. I doubt she will change her behaviour, but she definitely won't if you continue as you are .

Thats a hard one. Ss will definatley get invovled due to her mental health and then her partner. If they go for removal due to her being homeless and past history you might be asked if you would be willing to look after the baby. I would contact ss if i was you.