To kick out my pregnant 20 yr old DD?

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I know the title of this thread sounds harsh but i’m honestly at breaking point and would appreciate all opinions.

DD is 14 weeks pregnant. She has been in a relationship with the baby’s father (also 20) since Feburary and would have conceived within the first few weeks of knowing him. He has a child from a previous relationship, is currently unemployed and living in temporary accommodation. He is under the care system currently supported by a social worker who is helping him get a permanent place to live. However, he appears to want a bachelor life of gaming and smoking dope with friends and pretty much told DD she isn’t welcome there. He still wants to be a couple but not live or raise the baby together.

DD is also unemployed, dropped out of college last year and has a history of severe mental health issues (depression, self harm, suicide attempts) She shows all the signs of BPD but undiagnosed as she refuses to follow through with appointments or doctor referrals. It’s been 5 years of hell, I can’t even begin to explain what she has put me through. Think, drugs, stealing, lies, violence, a string of unhealthy relationships with criminals not to mention a pattern of disappearing without contact. She struggles to maintain any type of friendships, thinks the world is against her and refuses to take responsibility for absolutely anything.

I have tried to help her in so many ways. I’ve given her a safe place to land whenever she comes home, usually after months of absence and always with a tale of woe. I’ve listened, encouraged, loved and supported in every possible way imaginable, yet the way she treats me, her siblings and my home is truly awful. She shouts, screams and smashes things and has even got physical with me and her younger sisters over the smallest of things. It’s clear she is deeply unhappy and has been for years but her behaviour towards others is quite toxic. She wants this baby yet, I honestly don’t think she is capable of looking after it and i’m terrified.

I’ve tried to help her find work, offered to pay for college, even support a business venture...literally anything to help give her some sense purpose and direction and a better future for her child. She just isn’t interested and continues to sleep all day and stay up all night. Now she is pregnant her mood swings and outbursts have escalated and twice in the last week she has assaulted me. Once pulling me down to the ground by my hair and the other when she threw a full cup of coffee over me (thankfully it was cold).

I have two young DD’s aged 7 and 9, they witnessed both incidents and hear her calling me a c**t and other awful words. I need to protect them but at the same time DD needs help. I just don’t know what to do.

I worry for DD and this child as I don’t think she has it in her to care for it. If she stays at home she’ll expect me to look after the baby and I can’t see her behaviour changing. With two primary aged DC’s and a demanding job I don’t think I have the strength.

She’s an adult who assaults primary aged children. You’re actually forcing your younger children to live with their abuser.

Throw her out, contact her midwife and be done with it all.

Get rid of her other two kids? Are people insane on here

You must contact the Local Authority and have her register as unintentionally homeless. If you say she has assaulted you, she will be put much further down on the priority list for housing as that counts her as 'intentionally homeless'. She will be a priority case due to her pregnancy. Then contact SS and be prepared to help their assessment and be honest. Unborn baby and your young children are number one priority now!

Source: I'm a social worker

If you have a GP you trust I would go and talk to them. The midwife will probably work out of the same surgery or be connected to the practice. It will probably start a process of getting help for you and your daughter and protecting your younger children.

Definitely call social services.
She will probably accuse you of interfering, but it isn’t interfering, it’s doing the right thing. Children come first. Your younger DDs and her unborn baby come before your relationship with her. Sad but absolutely true. Do the right thing.

Get rid of her other two kids? Are people insane on here

Apparently so... The two younger DC have no one else to protect them. They deserve a home that is safe where they’re not witnessing violent abuse. That’s a bare minimum. You don’t remove the innocents, you remove the abuser.

Ask her to leave . she’s and adult and your other children don’t deserve this .

I know you will be heartbroken but it’s the right thing to do .

Yes do try contacting the health visitor / etc so they can organise some support for her . But don’t Raje her back until she behaves .

Once she’s a mum her behaviour may improve.

Get that baby away from her

An adult you live with is abusing you in sight of your young children.

You need to deal with that situation.

This was me and my middle son 10 years ago, and he will say now it was the best thing I ever did as much, as it broke me to do it.

He now has a trade, a house, 2 beautiful boys and lovely partner. If I hadn't evicted him he would probably be dead in the gutter by now.

Children's Services will be aware and baby will be put on a pre birth at risk plan which she will either engage with or not... the baby will almost definitely not be staying with her if she doesn't engage with support.

I will be thinking of you x

I think those of you taking a stripe off theOP may never have known a close family member with BPD and unplanned pregnancies.I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My sister put my parents through hell with behavior like this and because of their soft glove approach she continues to do so and she's over 40! You have to protect those younger children whatever it takes to do so-your eldest made her choices

I feel for you.

But you say she saw things during your marriage she shouldn't have and that it might have affected her. That's exactly what is happening to your young children now.

They are witnessing interactions they shouldn't and which might affect them later in life.

Contact SS and beg them if necessary to help your daughter with a plan. She will be upset, but you have to. For everyone's sake, no less her baby.

Time for tough love. Good luck.

Sadly I think you know you have no option but to ask your eldest daughter to leave. You cannot allow your younger daughters to witness their home life.domestic violence. They could report it or mention it at school and you could find SS want to investigate their home life. I would offer to support your eldest dd through either an abortion or adoption but make it clear she is an adult and must make her own decisions and live by them.

This sounds like a severe MH issue to me. Even if she wont go, go and chat it over with your GP under the auspices of how it is affecting you and your younger children. At least they may be able to point you in the right direction for some support. If you phone social services she may well see you as the enemy and things could get a lot worse before they get better. I have some experience of this...different scenario but similar behaviour...and think stark confrontation at this stage could make things worse tbh.

As a primary school teacher, I see the effect it can have on younger children living in this environment. I completly agree with you, she needs to stand on her own 2 feet xxx

Find her a room in a shared house help her fill in the forms for HB and UC. Help her from a distance but keep yourself safe.

OP

Police, bags packed and keys back. If you posted here that your DH was shouting at you, throwing water over you, with your two younger DD watching then the response would be kick the B out. Sorry but this is in the same category pregnant or not.

Report her to social services. There is no way they will let her keep that baby if that’s how she behaves. It’s a recipe for disaster. Sadly yes she may have to hit rock bottom

Obviously she can't stay living in your house due to your two younger children, but it would be irresponsible to just kick out a mentally ill, unstable, unemployed pregnant 20 year old with a history of suicidal ideation and nowhere to go without contacting social services.

Worrying about her not forgiving you for contacting social services is a very twisted priority - wtf do you think will happen to her and your grandchild if you don't?

At best a squat or being unwelcome sofa surfers or staying with the drug using boyfriend who doesn't want them, at worse one or both of them will come to real harm or end up dead.

The "having to hit rock bottom" tough love stuff doesn't work if, as the OP says, she's mentally ill with a history of being suicidal. Social services involvement is essential, not just kicking her out without anyone knowing, especially pregnant.

Another...that's not quite what I meant. She will presumably be still living with OP whilst this gets sorted out. I've lived through this with a family member. It was hell before ss got involved but much much worse with regards violence, threats, smashing things up etc when they knew we had contacted ss and before they were moved out. I was actually a younger sibling so I do have valid insight into this.