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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To kick out my pregnant 20 yr old DD?

148 replies

Navigateashitstorm · 26/05/2019 17:20

I know the title of this thread sounds harsh but i’m honestly at breaking point and would appreciate all opinions.

DD is 14 weeks pregnant. She has been in a relationship with the baby’s father (also 20) since Feburary and would have conceived within the first few weeks of knowing him. He has a child from a previous relationship, is currently unemployed and living in temporary accommodation. He is under the care system currently supported by a social worker who is helping him get a permanent place to live. However, he appears to want a bachelor life of gaming and smoking dope with friends and pretty much told DD she isn’t welcome there. He still wants to be a couple but not live or raise the baby together.

DD is also unemployed, dropped out of college last year and has a history of severe mental health issues (depression, self harm, suicide attempts) She shows all the signs of BPD but undiagnosed as she refuses to follow through with appointments or doctor referrals. It’s been 5 years of hell, I can’t even begin to explain what she has put me through. Think, drugs, stealing, lies, violence, a string of unhealthy relationships with criminals not to mention a pattern of disappearing without contact. She struggles to maintain any type of friendships, thinks the world is against her and refuses to take responsibility for absolutely anything.

I have tried to help her in so many ways. I’ve given her a safe place to land whenever she comes home, usually after months of absence and always with a tale of woe. I’ve listened, encouraged, loved and supported in every possible way imaginable, yet the way she treats me, her siblings and my home is truly awful. She shouts, screams and smashes things and has even got physical with me and her younger sisters over the smallest of things. It’s clear she is deeply unhappy and has been for years but her behaviour towards others is quite toxic. She wants this baby yet, I honestly don’t think she is capable of looking after it and i’m terrified.

I’ve tried to help her find work, offered to pay for college, even support a business venture...literally anything to help give her some sense purpose and direction and a better future for her child. She just isn’t interested and continues to sleep all day and stay up all night. Now she is pregnant her mood swings and outbursts have escalated and twice in the last week she has assaulted me. Once pulling me down to the ground by my hair and the other when she threw a full cup of coffee over me (thankfully it was cold).

I have two young DD’s aged 7 and 9, they witnessed both incidents and hear her calling me a c**t and other awful words. I need to protect them but at the same time DD needs help. I just don’t know what to do.

I worry for DD and this child as I don’t think she has it in her to care for it. If she stays at home she’ll expect me to look after the baby and I can’t see her behaviour changing. With two primary aged DC’s and a demanding job I don’t think I have the strength.

OP posts:

vintagesewingmachine · 26/05/2019 17:38

Goodness, that sounds really tough but your first duty is to your younger children who really should not be witnessing what is, essentially, domestic violence. You can still love and support your pregnant daughter but just not in your own home. If SS are not already aware of your adult daughter's pregnancy due to her chaotic lifestyle, then you need to inform them right now.

redspider1 · 26/05/2019 17:39

Oh how awful for you and her. Could you actually turn your back on her though? I would get her to some counselling or something as having this baby may not be the right thing for her or the child. You need to act quickly but ultimately, if she won't listen to reason, I don't think you have a choice .

SqueakyPigs · 26/05/2019 17:40

Didn’t want to read and run, have no advice other than to put your two young children first

Totalfusion · 26/05/2019 17:41

Been there & done all of that & I'm now raising the baby (he's actually 5 yr old now) who has Feotal Alcohol Syndrome.
You need to make her leave in order to protect your younger children.

missminagrindlay · 26/05/2019 17:42

You can't 'get counselling' or 'find a mother and baby unit' for an adult like this because they won't engage or go to it. I have a son like this. Ultimately, they take you down with them. I think for the sake of your sanity and your other two kids, you need to tell her to leave.

Roseandrhubarb · 26/05/2019 17:44

No way would I throw out my child and grandchild, no way.

MaxNormal · 26/05/2019 17:45

No way would I throw out my child and grandchild, no way.

Even at the expense of your younger children though?

PortiaCastis · 26/05/2019 17:47

I have a 20 year old dd and there is absolutely no way I could turn her out

Pheasantplucker2 · 26/05/2019 17:47

Have you considered that she might be on the autistic spectrum? My daughter (11) is, and through her journey, I've realised that my sister in law is also highly likely to be on the spectrum. Years and years of similar behaviour to your OP, then she had a pregnancy in her thirties from a one night stand, the baby ended up being forcibly adopted out of the family because of her MH issues (we were too close to be able to keep the two apart). It won't solve her issues, but it might help to understand where she's coming from. My sister in law also has BPD and has been given a whole list of other MH diagnoses at different times through her life. She has been sectioned many times, and it is only because there has been the ability to get private help for her that she's made it this far.

I may be completely off the mark, but so many of the behaviours you describe - struggling to keep friendships, being in very vulnerable positions with people who prey on her, all the emotional stuff, can all stem from undiagnosed autism in girls.

A good start might be the National Autistic Society. They have great helplines and might be able to help you further. There are lots of online questionnaires that might signpost you to whether or not you think it might be ASD.

Whatever her diagnosis, she needs a different kind of support now. The midwives will have her on their system as someone who needs additional support, and I would be surprised if they didn't put a care plan in place. If nothing came up as a result of the booking in appointment, I would contact them, or the GP, and ask for help.

You have a duty of care to your other children, and I would suggest - as things are so volatile, you start looking for an NHS mother and baby mental health unit. They will take mums to be with severe MH issues in from (I think) around 36 weeks, and then bring both mum and baby back to be cared for and assessed to see if they have capacity and ability to care for the baby and keep them safe.

I feel so sorry for you - we were the only family members to support my SIL through her pregnancy, birth and adoption, and it was the most stressful, heartbreaking time of my life. If you want to, please do PM me.

Take care x

GreenTulips · 26/05/2019 17:47

No way would I throw out my child and grandchild, no way

Even if that child regularly assisted you? I think you’d have to walk a week in OPs shoes to make that statement

CruellaFeinberg · 26/05/2019 17:48

@Roseandrhubarb
No way would I throw out my child and grandchild, no way.
not even if your other DC were at risk?

GreenTulips · 26/05/2019 17:48

Assaulted

redspider1 · 26/05/2019 17:48

Rose Really? Do you think OP is not suggesting this with a heavy heart? Think about it.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/05/2019 17:49

Throwing her out has to be the last resort, but I think you're pretty close to being out of options. Have you talked to SS about the situation?
Letting her live with you will probably end in disaster and you have younger children to protect. She obviously needs help but you are not qualified to help her- she needs specialists. Do you think that she would engage with MH services if you made it very clear that it was this or she would be homeless? Or would she take no notice?

ParadiseLaundry · 26/05/2019 17:49

People with BPD usually have trauma in their past. Is there anything in your daughter's past that might explain these behaviours?

This. What was her childhood like?

Totalfusion · 26/05/2019 17:51

No way would I throw out my child and grandchild, no way.

When I was in a similar situation with my daughter Children's Services visited after I'd had to call 999 & made it clear I had no option than to safeguard my younger two children & if I didn't they would intervene.

Roseandrhubarb · 26/05/2019 17:52

If my other children were at risk, I’d maybe rethink our living arrangements, I still would not throw her out.

BabyDueDecember2019 · 26/05/2019 17:52

OP that sounds so difficult. You need to protect yourself and younger DC so YANBU. Tough love may result in her getting the professional help she needs

werideatdawn · 26/05/2019 17:53

The next time she assaults you, you call the police. You have her removed from the property and you make it clear she is not welcome back.
Call social services and explain the situation, she needs to be on their radar.
It would be bad enough if you didn't have younger children witnessing this. As it is you need to be firm and get her out otherwise you'll be dealing with the same kind of shit from her traumatised younger siblings in a few years time.
It will go one of two ways: she will crash and burn, end up in an even worse lifestyle and have her baby taken away or she will actually engage with support and sort herself out.
I don't want to out myself but I was this 20 year old and I had my son at 21. In my case it did give me a kick up the bum and I fully engaged with the mental health team who helped me to help myself, finally got a proper diagnosis and I'm doing fine now. If she chooses the other road it is not your doing.
The wishy washy "I could never put my own child out" doesn't help anyone, particularly when other vulnerable children are involved.

binglybongly · 26/05/2019 17:53

social services now. TELL them she what she has done in full view of your other children .....EVERYTHING. make it absolulety crsytal clear that she is not welcome and you are not having her at her home because of the violence. They wont like it (hence youll need to be very blunt and tell them not in a sheepish way!) but its their job to deal with this.

WHEN/ IF she does anything threatning/ violent 999 police straight away. Even now actually. The police will deal with her....and call social services! she is a danger to you, young children and possibly herself/ baby.

CloserIAm2Fine · 26/05/2019 17:54

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s one of those times where all choices are bad choices.

But you absolutely need to protect your younger children. Supporting your adult daughter shouldn’t be at the expense of her siblings who are still children and dependent on you. And you shouldn’t have to endure that kind of abuse for your own sake either.

lifetothefull · 26/05/2019 17:55

Asking her to leave doesn't mean you are turning your back on her. You may actually be putting yourself in a stronger position to help your family including your grandchild.

LadyRannaldini · 26/05/2019 17:55

What would happen to the baby if you aren’t around to look after it?

Why should the OP be responsible for another adult's baby? The daughter has abused her family and looks ready to dump her mistake on them too.
Get rid, let her take some responsibility.

binglybongly · 26/05/2019 17:56

think of how traumatising this is for the younger ones. It`s messing them up for the future. Do it for them .

Or will you wait till shes violent to you again or what about her siblings? If she were to be voilent/ threatning to them how would you feel? youd never forgive yourself.

Mummyoftwo91 · 26/05/2019 17:57

For the sake of your younger children she needs to leave, assaulting you in your own home is disgusting behaviour no one should have to put up with

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