To kick out my pregnant 20 yr old DD?

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I know the title of this thread sounds harsh but i’m honestly at breaking point and would appreciate all opinions.

DD is 14 weeks pregnant. She has been in a relationship with the baby’s father (also 20) since Feburary and would have conceived within the first few weeks of knowing him. He has a child from a previous relationship, is currently unemployed and living in temporary accommodation. He is under the care system currently supported by a social worker who is helping him get a permanent place to live. However, he appears to want a bachelor life of gaming and smoking dope with friends and pretty much told DD she isn’t welcome there. He still wants to be a couple but not live or raise the baby together.

DD is also unemployed, dropped out of college last year and has a history of severe mental health issues (depression, self harm, suicide attempts) She shows all the signs of BPD but undiagnosed as she refuses to follow through with appointments or doctor referrals. It’s been 5 years of hell, I can’t even begin to explain what she has put me through. Think, drugs, stealing, lies, violence, a string of unhealthy relationships with criminals not to mention a pattern of disappearing without contact. She struggles to maintain any type of friendships, thinks the world is against her and refuses to take responsibility for absolutely anything.

I have tried to help her in so many ways. I’ve given her a safe place to land whenever she comes home, usually after months of absence and always with a tale of woe. I’ve listened, encouraged, loved and supported in every possible way imaginable, yet the way she treats me, her siblings and my home is truly awful. She shouts, screams and smashes things and has even got physical with me and her younger sisters over the smallest of things. It’s clear she is deeply unhappy and has been for years but her behaviour towards others is quite toxic. She wants this baby yet, I honestly don’t think she is capable of looking after it and i’m terrified.

I’ve tried to help her find work, offered to pay for college, even support a business venture...literally anything to help give her some sense purpose and direction and a better future for her child. She just isn’t interested and continues to sleep all day and stay up all night. Now she is pregnant her mood swings and outbursts have escalated and twice in the last week she has assaulted me. Once pulling me down to the ground by my hair and the other when she threw a full cup of coffee over me (thankfully it was cold).

I have two young DD’s aged 7 and 9, they witnessed both incidents and hear her calling me a c**t and other awful words. I need to protect them but at the same time DD needs help. I just don’t know what to do.

I worry for DD and this child as I don’t think she has it in her to care for it. If she stays at home she’ll expect me to look after the baby and I can’t see her behaviour changing. With two primary aged DC’s and a demanding job I don’t think I have the strength.

Such a difficult situation for you , but you know what you have to do. The children need to have a safe home where they aren't watching their mum being assaulted or they will grow up to be equally as messed up. You don't really have a choice but to ask her to leave, is your DD seeing any mental health services or social workers ?

You don’t have a choice because your younger DDs are already witnessing their sister’s damaging behaviour. They saw their mum being pulled to the ground by her hair, having coffee thrown at her and called awful names. You have to get SS involved and tell them that DD is now homeless because of her violence. Don’t wait until one of you gets seriously injured by her.

Whether she has BPD or not you can’t live in fear of violence from a nasty thug even if she is your daughter. Abuse is abuse no matter who does it.

It's not good in pregnancy to be constantly stressed, which it sounds like she is. For that reason alone, I would tell the council you're kicking her out, so that she can find somewhere peaceful.

Can I ask what the arguments were about where she became violent?

YANBU. Report to police and SS.

Yanbu at all! She needs to leave. I really believe if you 'force' independence on a person then they are much more likely to actually become independent, you take the choice away.
I was 19 when I had my DD and I had no support from my parents in terms of looking after her. I think if I had then there's the chance I wouldn't have tried to look after her properly and just expected my parents to do it.
She will either grow up and become a good parent or she won't but I fully believe you're giving her the best chance by making her move out.

You can't 'get counselling' or 'find a mother and baby unit' for an adult like this because they won't engage or go to it.
Agree with this, plus this type of provision if it exists at all in OPs area will be so thinly stretched as to be useless.

For the sake of your younger children she needs to leave.

I ask because I have a diagnosis of EUPD and during my pregnancy, my mother became violent with me. She was always violent in my youth, but it stopped when I moved out obviously, but when I went to visit her while pregnant, it started up again. Things like hitting my stomach when I was trying to show her how to do something on the laptop and such.

Your dd sounds very angry at you and I wonder why that is? I know you've a diagnosis you think can explain it, but has she any reason to be angry with you?

unfortunately the situation is that you need help as well, and you wont get it unless she is made homeless - Its all very well for others to criticise but you have done everything you can and she has just got herself into an even worse position . She probably thinks the world owes her a living and she will just land on her feet , but she is in for a shock , its going to be harder than she thinks . But at least if she fails you may be in a position to take the child in if necessary.

What happened to her? 🤔

BPD isn't always caused by past trauma. A lot of the time it certainly may be but not every case comes about due to abuse in childhood etc

Why should anyone be assaulted in their own home-doesnt matter who it is its wrong-noone would put up wit it from their partner so this should be no different

EUPD can be a response to trauma. But I have worked with young people who have that diagnosis or emerging who have not experienced trauma but have always displayed challenging behaviour since they were very young. I suspect that it might be attachment related for such people as they may have been particularly challenging to parent.

You’ve tried, you really have. Time to let the institutions of the welfare state to have a go. Focus on the younger children.

BPD isn't always caused by past trauma

Says who? You?

op dont think of this as putting her on the street, because you call the police now and social services. I can guarantee you they wont let her just wander off with no where to go 14 weeks pregnant. sadly youve done /coped all you can. its time to let the professionals in and help you and her (even if she doesnt like it).

I'd love to know what the argument was about.

OP appears to have done a runner!

You need to refer her to social services rather than kicking her out, there's mother to be placements and mental health units designed to take situations like this. She needs help but I wonder the trigger, mh issues definitely but the reason behind them depends upon the course of action . In all honesty an abortion is the best solution because there's no guarantee she hasn't drank heavily of been exposed to drugs, plus the "father" is in no fit state to be one, can you contact her midwife for advice and explain the situation (she won't be able to disclose anything but she can listen to your concerns) but all that said I wouldn't actually kick her out until a placement can be arranged because she's still your daughter (yes I've been assaulted by mine and done numerous late night dashes to a&e psych assessment)

I don’t think I could kick her out at this stage, although I can totally understand why people would advise you to. You need to protect your younger children, but also need to be thinking about protecting your unborn grandchild as your daughter is unlikely to do that. My worry would be that if you forced her to leave at this point, she may turn to bf and life could spiral further out of control. If she then resumed with drug taking (and alcohol?) this could have a devastating lasting impact on the unborn child. Maybe support her as best you can until she has the baby, where (worse case scenario) ss could take over and remove the baby if necessary, when born.

Call SS first thing tomorrow. You absolutely cannot have a violent person assaulting you in your home with your other children there. You are placing your children at risk. However, this is also your grandchild and I can see why you're concerned. Would you consider fostering the baby without DD at home? I can otherwise see this baby ending up in the care system.

docker you need to read around.

This is from mental health charity, Mind...

You might also experience BPD without having any history of traumatic or stressful life events, or you might have had other types of difficult experiences.

Is she having midwifery care? Has she been referred to social services? Whilst services are stretched, there will be support available. This could be the making of your daughter but she needs the right network in place. You kicking her out might actually be the catalyst needed.

Op are you willing to raise the child? Irony in brutal honesty think she can

Are you willing to raise her baby and if not can you look ahead 18 months and live with yourself while its taken into care?

If this situation continues youre putting your younger two through trauma and domestic violence and may be in the same situation in 10 years time. Tell her this needs to change or youre kicking her out . If anything occurs again , police. Tell them she isn't allowed to come back to live with you and if she's unfit to raise her baby you will.